We open with "Showtime Presents," only in my mind, it's what we used to call it in sixth grade: "Blowtime." (Cinemax, incidentally, was the now widely used "Skinemax.") We cut to Hank's new dog, now adorably named "Yusef," sitting on the bed. Hank asks the dog what's a five-letter word for "excitable boy." "Zevon. Booyah!" Hank says. Meredith is bringing him coffee in bed, which is like some forbidden dream yanked right out of my head. Hank has a crossword puzzle in front of him, and if there were a laptop somewhere in the scene, this would be Omar's Perfect Sunday Morning (subtract dog, add cute cat, find a place for a crib in the room). Hank brings up last night, which he says was when they took things to a whole other level, sexually speaking. Let's hope she agrees. Meredith asks why he wants to relive it the morning. Hank says you get to remember the fun without the inevitable come-down. Wow, that really makes you deep, dude, that moment of post-sex blues. Meredith says that they need to talk. Hank's reluctant to talk, because no good can come of this.
Meredith says that they've been spending a lot of time in the bedroom, which is fine, but her last relationship was crappy and was totally based in the bedroom. Hank asks if he should fuck her in the shower instead. My wife, who hasn't watched this show until now, asks suddenly, "Why is Duchovny doing this shitty show?" For comedic effect (and I swear this actually happened at this moment), my baby daughter takes an audible shit in her diaper that makes us both laugh. "Even she thinks it's shitty!" my wife announces. You can't argue with a three-week-old TV critic, folks. Maybe the baby's poop is stifling discussion on the forum, too. Hank gets the message (from Meredith, not from the baby): she wants to go out on the town with Hank on her arm. He's down with that; he'll do anything. Meredith says there's a fundraiser. "No, can't do that," he says suddenly. He says it sounds terrible. She says it's at Hank's firm. His firm what? Hank says he's not one for causes, good or otherwise. Meredith tells him that apathy kills. Hank takes her hand and pulls it under the sheet and onto his crotch. He asks if that feels like apathy to her. It feels like apenith, not apathy, but only with a lisp.
Film-school-reject opening credits. They're still awful. When we return, Hank is going to Exy's house. She answers the door, and because it's not a close-up, it looks like a completely different person with big wavy hair, a nice dress, and jewelry. Hank is stunned and says she doesn't look half bad. The top half. Hank asks about Becca. Exy says that she's bummed. Hank says this thing just came up. Beccabot 3000 appears in the doorway. "Dad?" she asks. He produces a small gift bag, which she pegs as a bribe. It's a Sidekick, sans box. Beccabot, who appreciates a good piece of fellow technology, says it's awesome. Exy's annoyed, because they agreed not to get her a cell phone. But it's not a phone; it's a mobile messenger! Hank says that Becca can use it whenever she's pissed at Exy and "Lurch." Beccabot, who has lost some of her goth clothing, asks if Hank's going on a date. He says that he is. She asks if the woman is as cool as Mom. Hank says that's not possible. Beccabot says that if it's a real date and not a random hookup, she approves. But she wants details later. Oh, God, the details, child. Those will damage you the most. Exy pretends to be annoyed with Hank, especially when he leans in to sniff her. She asks about his date and whether he's taking her to Red Lobster or Denny's. Hank says he got roped into going to a fundraiser at the agency. Exy's smile fades.
Fundraiser! Hank, walking with Meredith, complains about "fascist architecture," then he asks what they're doing there. Meredith says they're mingling. He lights up a cigarette, which is like taking your dick out in public in California. I bet he's done that, too. They spot Charlie giving an awkward hug and bro-shake to Hank's nemesis, the evil populist filmmaker Todd Carr. Charlie comes over and tries to give Hank some love, but Hank pushes him away and reiterates his hate for that motherfucker Charlie was just with. Charlie says he's been trying to sign Carr for years. Hank threatens to fire Charlie for the hundredth time. Charlie whines about how little commission he earns from Hank's minuscule output. Hank jokes about feeling cheated on. Charlie assures Hank that Hank gives better head than Carr. This went from amusing to cute to horrifying in about five seconds. Charlie compliments Meredith for managing to get Hank to the fundraiser. She says she had to use all her feminine wiles. "And a butt plug," Hank adds. I wish I could get the baby to shit on command for lines like that.
Hank asks about Marcy. Charlie says she had an emergency waxing to attend to. He says Marcy's probably staring down the business end of Angelina's "vageena" right now. Hank says he has to think about that for a bit. Meredith excuses herself to go talk to a friend. Charlie asks about Meredith and calls her a "nice girl." Hank says she's not so nice. Charlie, now smitten, asks if she's naughty and what she's into. He asks if she's into a little "B&D," and just then, Dani California, the naughty assistant, walks up to them. "Settle down, tiger," says Hank, and I wish he'd said, "settle down, Beavis." Dani says hi to Hank, who calls her "Morticia." She asks if Charlie still needs her. Charlie asks if she finished reading the manuscript he gave her and whether she wrote her coverage. Charlie tells her to get back to work. He watches her ass as she goes. Hank asks if there's anything Charlie wants to tell him. "Please. I'm a married man," Charlie says, smiling. Hank repeats the question after Charlie has gone.
Bathroom. Hank is peeing. It's really the only time his penis isn't jammed into someone else. Hank is drinking champagne while urinating, which is...I don't know...so very Showtime, I guess. Carr walks up to the urinal. Hank asks if they can agree not to throw down while their cocks are out. Aw, I was looking forward to a cockfight that wouldn't harm any animals. "Yours is out?" Carr asks. Carr snickers and says he's done fighting. Hank taunts him about getting his ass kicked before. Carr says Hank is his own worst enemy. Hank says that's an astute observation. Carr thanks Hank for getting him out of a horrible fucking marriage. Hank is curious. Carr says the bitch was crazy and that it's the last time he marries a white woman. Hank asks how she took it. Carr says he hasn't split with her yet, but he may do it tonight. Hank is surprised to hear that the woman is at the fundraiser. All right, the fireworks have all been laid out, now it's time to light them up. Carr pats Hank on the shoulder, which makes Hank squirm from all the pee-hand.
Hank is mingling. He sees Exy and calls her "the former Mrs. Moody." She reminds him (and us) that she was never officially a Moody. Hank says she was moody even if she wasn't a Moody. She fires back that if he'd made her a Moody she'd have been less moody. I was kind of wondering when they'd exhaust that pun. Week Four, it turns out. Shakespeare, in the grave, breathes a sigh of relief. Through his dusty bones, somehow. Hank offers to take her to Vegas right now and marry her with a stop at In-N-Out on the way. She says no. She asks him to be on his best behavior as he takes a big drink. Exy says that you never know what to expect from Hank or his "dong." He asks how that's not a virtue. Hank tells her she looks beautiful tonight. She thanks him. Hank spots Carr's wife and buries his head in Exy's shoulder. She squirms, and we see a huge snaky tattoo on her left shoulder running down her back. Nice! Hank, done hiding, pretends it was a hug and disengages. Exy is exasperated.
Charlie in his workspace, getting ready to go all James Spader. He tells Dani to bring the script to his office. Dani answers the phone and passes on a call from Charlie's wife, Marcy. As Dani drops her skirt in front of Charlie, he asks Marcy about Angelina's "cookie." Dani takes off her shirt. She gets on all fours and carries the script between her teeth. Charlie says the phone call is breaking up. He says he's losing her and has to go. Dani presents the script to Charlie. She asks him to tell her what to do. He asks what happens if she doesn't want to do what he tells her. She says he's missing the point. She starts to unbutton his shirt as he looks nauseous.
Fundraiser. Meredith introduces Hank to two of her colleagues. The woman recognizes Hank, The Writer, but he says that these days he's Hank, The Blogger. The husband thinks Hank's blog is entertaining, and the wife wonders what Hank will write about this party. They haven't learned not to get Hank started and -- oh, there he goes, they just got him started. Hank takes a sip and says he finds it interesting that these people are fighting for the environment, but they'll load up on jet fuel to fly privately to Cabo for the weekend. Ooh, devastating! Save that gold for your blog, Hank! It's too sexy! Nooooo! Please, Hank! Save it! You are THE SEXY! Hank, smugly and loudly, tells "Babs" he said so and to pass it on to Oprah. The guy asks if Meredith will come with him to get a drink. Socialite Wife praises Hank's really good writing. She says she writes herself. Hank suddenly recognizes her as a Hollywood writer who does "clit-lit" stuff about trophy wives. She says it's masturbation material for North Montana hausfraus. What a lovely woman with a non-condescending worldview. Hank says he's all wet. Clit-Lit says she's always looking for new material. She taps Hank's hand. Hank asks what's wrong with her and her husband. She says that her husband and Meredith have been playing grab-ass for years now. Is this who Hank stole the dog from? Hank excuses himself. He goes to Meredith and grabs her by the arm, dragging her off. He asks what she's doing. She lies that she didn't know Married Guy was gonna be there, then admits that she knew. Hank is annoyed by the lie. But he relishes the thought of creating some chaos. He dips her and kisses her in front of Married Guy, who fumes.
We go to Exy's house, where Beccabot 3000 is hanging around, strumming a guitar while Mia watches her. She says she wants to be a forty-year-old virgin. Mia asks why. Beccabot thinks that once you get laid, your life turns to shit. That's sort of true, but it's also the moment your life turns awesome. Mia says it's not so bad. "You've had The Sex?" Becca asks, a bit robotically. Did they take you to Their Sex Leader? Mia says she has. Beccabot asks what it's like. Like doing it with your stepsister's father is what it's like. Mia, who was verbose till now, says it's "good." She adds that it's powerful, but then she tries to change the subject. Mia asks if Becca misses her dad. She does. "I miss my mom," Mia says. Becca says that Exy really likes Mia. Mia likes her too, but Mia says it's not the same. Mia asks if Becca likes Bill. "Sure. He's nice," she says, all noncommittal. Mia says Bill's not like Hank. Mia says Becca's really lucky. Sure doesn't feel that way. Becca strums. She should play Robot Future.
At the fundraiser, Exy runs into a guy who spills his drink on her. She suggests he could look where he's going. He calls her a cunt. Then he tries to spin it off into "I cunt hear you." Exy shoves him. Bill shows up and grabs her, asking what happened. She tells Bill. The guy lies about calling her a cunt. Bill says she should have come to get him and that it's not the place to make a scene. Asshole Bumper says he's not looking to press charges. Exy starts to go after him again. Bill asks if Exy wants the guy thrown out. She doesn't; she just wants to go. Asshole is smirking. Bill catches it. Bill ignores the guy and they walk away.
Charlie's office. He's having an Austin Powers photo shoot. Despite it being Showtime, Dani does all her modeling with her bra and panties still on. Charlie has taken his pants off and whips her a little bit. The jaunty music slows down dramatically as Hank walks in without knocking. What, no record-needle scratch? "Holy fucknuts!" Hank says. Charlie scrambles to his feet. "Don't you fucking KNOCK!?" Charlie yells. Hank asks if Charlie doesn't lock. Dani gets down off the desk. Hank tells "Diane Arbus" to take it easy and worries about Charlie having a heart attack. Charlie is hacking and coughing. Hank calls Dani "Betty Page" and tells her to clock out. Now Hank gets to be superior for a bit. Charlie recovers. They both laugh. Hank slaps Charlie on the back of the head. Hank calls him a big, fat cliché. "She started it, man!" Charlie whines. Uh. Good one. That'll hold up in court. Charlie doesn't know what happened. Hank admits that this whole thing sounds hot, but says that Charlie needs to get his shit together. Charlie beats himself up about it. Hank offers advice in the most annoyingly hipster way: "If you're having problems in the boudoir, maybe it's worth a conversation with the old lady." Yeah, you do that, bro. You and your old lady should have yourselves a rap session and smooth things out till they're groovy again. Charlie says that ship has sailed. Hank says he thinks Marcy would be into some freaky shit if Charlie asked. Charlie hugs Hank and starts crying. Mortifying.
Hank finds Meredith at the bar. She's drunk. She asks if he loves her. Hank says he's grown fond of her. Meredith doesn't think they'll get to the "I love you" phase. She knows a thing or two about loving a man who won't love her back. She glances at Married Guy. He's flirting with some young girl. Hank tells Meredith to stay put and hydrate. Hank goes right up to the young lady and whispers something in her ear. She gives Married Guy a dirty look then walks away. Hank reveals that what he said was that Married Guy needs a double dose of Viagra to get hard and wears a fanny pack on the weekend. That second part is a low blow! Married Guy says Hank thinks he's pretty clever. Hank says he doesn't mind being fucked with, but that it's not cool to string along a lady through her childbearing years. Married Guy asks if Hank is Don Fucking Quixote. Hank says he's Don Fucking Knotts. Hank says he's a fan of the lady. Married Guy says that's nice of Hank, considering that Meredith told him Hank is just a nobody, a loser. Married Guy wonders if Hank is the one who needs to be cut loose. Hank says Married Guy is lucky he promised to be on his best behavior. Just then, Carr's wife yells, "Fucking fucker!" and throws a drink. Hank dives quickly, and the drink lands in Married Guy's face. Hank walks off. Meredith grabs him drunkenly and says she's glad he came.
At the valet station, Hank says that was fun. Hank sees Exy after he puts Meredith in the passenger seat. Hank asks if she's proud of him. Exy says she approves. He asks about his behavior. Yeah, good, nice you didn't punch anyone. He says that this whole environmentalist thing must have given her a "clit-boner." That Hank is a classy gentleman of rare breeding. Asshole Bumper walks by with a date and tells Exy he'll see her Tuesday. She says, "Fuck you!" and has to explain to Hank that the guy called her a cunt. Exy says she dealt with it, but Hank is already walking over to Asshole Bumper. Hank punches the guy and he lands on his car. Bouncy music. Hank kisses Exy on the cheek and goes back to his own car.
Nauseating time-lapse montage.
Exy's house. Exy is at Beccabot's bedside. Did they forget to plug her in for the night? Becca asks if her mother loves her. Exy says she does. "Do you love Dad?" Becca asks. Exy says yes. She explains that she doesn't love Hank in the butterflies-and-Johnny-Depp way. Becca asks if Hank is a bad person. Exy says no, even though he gets people in trouble. Exy says that Bill is a good person. She says he's kind and smart and thinks things through. But he is a bit of a putz. Exy kisses Beccabot goodnight.
Sad music. Meredith has puked and Hank held her hair back. He leads her to bed. She asks him to join her, but he says she's still a little barfy. Hank goes to answer his cell phone. It's Becca. Becca thinks Hank couldn't sleep. He calls her his beautiful, precocious daughter. Droid. Becca asks what Hank used to do when she couldn't sleep. He used to look at the ocean and count the mermaids. "I did do that," Hank says, impressed with the memory. Becca suggests he try that. Hank starts to count for Becca. He interrupts with little jokes ("No, that's Daryl Hannah") as they both drift off to sleep while on the phone. All right, so Hank is a genuinely sweet guy for one episode. Let's see if it lasts.