Hank's single again! You know what that means...Pussyman returns!
Showtime presents...Hank shopping in a depressing-looking grocery store. Grocery stores in L.A. and New York pale to the giant ones in Texas. Some of our grocery stores have football stadiums inside the store. In case you want to buy AstroTurf or tackling dummies in the middle of the night. Anyway, Hank, wearing sunglasses indoors and his shirt partly unbuttoned, is smoking a cigarette and sipping from a giant bottle of liquor at the same time. He's trying to look cool while pushing a grocery cart. It's not really working. It looks like a bad commercial is starting. Hank grabs some cookies and tosses them in his cart. I can't wait till he gets to the produce aisle. That's gonna be so hot. Hank doesn't get there. On his way, he sees a woman wearing only tiny shorts and a rainbow bikini top with her giant tits about to pop out of them. Why, no, this isn't a male Hollywood writer's fantasy, why do you ask? Hank goes, "Yikes," which I said in my head for completely different reasons. The FHM model asks if Hank knows anything about wine. Hank, seriously trying to rock the shirt-unbuttoned-to-the-navel look, says wine is fine, but whiskey is quickah. Eeeeeeright. The woman says suicide is slow with liquor. "Sabbath," she says. Already? I thought it was Monday. Hank says, "Ozzy. Solo." He raises the devil horns. Hook 'em! She looks at his cigarettes and says those things will kill ya. Hank says life will kill you. This show is killing me. Owwwwwww.
A beat later, Hank ends up behind the woman in line. She's paying in coinage. The tired-looking cashier, who is probably just as hot as the woman in line when she's not made to look frumpy with bad makeup and shitty costuming, is not amused. Hank pitches in some cash. The FHM model pretends to not want to take his money, but Hank says that unless she has some "fuck-you money" up her "whosie-whatsit," she's shit out of luck. Where were these brilliant lines when I was young and single!? I could have fucked everybody! Twice! The woman says he's sweet. And cute. Hey...this might sound crazy, but this is Showtime. Why don't we go to your place and go fuck each other? Just for kicks! The cashier rolls her eyes. FHM exits. Hank is left with the annoyed cashier. Hank explains that he loves all women. Even her. He patronizingly says he'd make a run at her too while calling her "Crusty." Nice. Hey, you know that liquor bottle you were sipping on earlier? Why don't you finish paying for all this, then go out to the parking lot, peel the label off the bottle, take an egg from one of the grocery bags, crack the egg, rub it along the top of the bottle, take off your pants and your underwear, and shove the bottle right up your ass? That would be original and pithy, even for a writer of your unfettered genius. Hank exits the store holding a single bag as cheerful music plays. FHM is waiting outside holding her bottle in a brown bag. Wanna fuck? Aw, man. This is really gonna put a crimp on the whole bottle-up-the-ass thing.
Egregious credit sequence.
Slow music plays as FHM and Hank sit on the floor, smokin' weed as she plays with his guitar. She's diggin' his LPs and saying she loves vinyl. "Yeah. It just sounds better," Hank says emphatically. What are you, Eddie Vedder? She says he's an analog guy in a digital world. GAH! I hate when people abuse that phrase. If it's not Erykah Badu singing it, I don't want to hear that shit. He says he may steal that. Hey, Hank, that's like fourth-hand already. But you're the genius writer, what do I know? Hank asks her name. "Wouldn't you rather just fuck me and never know?" she asks. Finally, a show with real women characters we can all relate to! Hank mutters, "Who says romance is dead?" They kiss. She wraps her legs around him as they lie down on the vinyl records.
Instead of watching them have sex, which would have made this whole lead-up at least a little worthwhile, we blur ahead to Hank waking up the morning, naked on the floor. The needle is bumping the end of the album. There's a knock at the door. Hank puts on his tiny black shorts. Hank is not pleased to see that it's Mia. He suddenly realizes that FHM took his guitar and records. He moans that he's been robbed. Mia tells him, wholly unoriginally, to save the drama for his mama. "Oh, the humanity!" he mutters. Mia asks who did it. Hank says it was some girl. Mia is surprised that Hank screwed a girl's intimate areas without knowing her name. Hank said it seemed like a fair trade-off at the time. He makes no effort to put on more clothes with a sixteen-year-old he's had sex with in his house. Hank asks what she wants. Peace in the Middle East. A two-hour orgasm. Pages of his lesser works. Hank tells her no. He says there's no such thing as a two-hour orgasm or his lesser works. Hank tells her to write her own stuff. She threatens to cry rape. He says she won't, because she enjoys torturing him too much. She agrees. Hank tells her to just write anything and he'll help her with it. He says he'll give her notes. Mia says Bill never helps her with her homework. Hank says he doesn't like being compared to Bill the Absent Putz. Mia tries to hug him and Hank pushes her away. He says he's sure she can write up something. He pushes her out.
Charlie's Office of Gouging Your Fucking Eyes Out With Sporks. Dani California comes in. She asks what he wants. Charlie says he dropped an Advil on the floor earlier and couldn't find it. He asks her to crawl around and look for it. She does so. He asks her to go slowly. She crawls lower, showing her undies. She says his head must be throbbing. Charlie agrees that it is, a bit. Charlie rolls up a copy of Variety in his lap. A quick knock at the door. Oh, shit, it's Marcy! Hide, fully-clothed employee! Marcy is wearing a pretty hot dress. Charlie gets up immediately to greet her. Dani, from the floor, greets her. Marcy asks what's going on. Charlie explains about the Advil and how his back went out, and Dani suddenly finds the Advil. Marcy sort of doesn't buy it. "That's an Advil," she says. Charlie tells Dani she can take lunch. She says she'll just eat something at her desk. She leaves. Marcy says that Dani's like his little slave. Charlie giggles girlishly. Marcy's short-term memory suddenly wipes itself. She tells Charlie she wants to get laid. She says they used to do nooners all the time at CAA. Charlie says everybody was fucking everybody at CAA. Charlie says that Dani is right outside. "Even better," Marcy says. She pushes Charlie onto his office chair and mounts him. She offers to lap-dance him, verb-like. She grabs his already-present boner. They mount. Remember when you called the cable or satellite company and ordered Showtime? You were like, "Fuck it. I'm subscribing to Showtime! Give me one Showtime!" Remember how you fantasized that one day you might get to see Pamela Adlon and Evan Handler having sex on TV? Your day has come. They go at it like monkeys. Marcy tells him to take his time. He doesn't. Best fifteen seconds ever! He's done. Marcy isn't. She says maybe she'll go to Nordstrom. Now that's sexy.
Outdoor concert. Hank is meeting Exy, who's wearing a weird little hat. He tells her he had his favorite T-shirt stolen, the one that said "Keith Richards For President." How old is Hank? Is he sixty? Exy got him that shirt. Hank says he's sad. She asks why a woman stole his T-shirt. "You really want to know?" he asks. She doesn't. The outdoor show is a battle of the bands. The emcee introduces a band called Kill Jill. Hank stands up and applauds. Beccabot 3000 is going to rock on guitar. She plays a song called "Don't Let Us Get Sick." She sings beautifully as she plays. Hank tears up. Exy asks if he's crying. "Shuddup," he says. She holds his hand. Awww, sweet Hank. Exy puts an arm around him and kisses him on the cheek. "Allergies!" he moans. Beccabot counts off and they go from sweet and sad to The Ramones, by way of the Disney Channel. Way slick camera angles. I like Becca and all, but, feh. The song ends quickly. Miracles do happen.
Afterward, the three of them are walking and eating ice cream. Beccabot says they should do this more often. She says she knows they're not gonna live happily ever (not with that attitude!) but that this is nice. She's glad Exy and Hank don't hate each other. Hank gets a phone call. He excuses himself to answer the phone. It's Mia. "You have to come get me," she tells him. Hank says he's busy right now. Mia, who's just standing around in someone's house, calls him an asshole and says he has to come because she's in trouble. Hank asks what kind. Mia says that her crazy writing teacher is all coked up and trying to get her and a friend to have a threesome. She doesn't want her dad to find out. Hank asks if she has any friends that can come get her. She asks if Hank isn't her friend. He says no. Mia says she'll deal with it herself. She fakes, "Get the fuck off me, you asshole!" Hank decides to go. Beccabot, cheery, asks if Hank wants to go to the movies with them. Hank says he wishes he could, but that Uncle Charlie is in trouble and needs a friendly ear. Exy doesn't believe it. "Do you think I'd rather be anywhere else?" Hank asks. He seems to mean it.
Quick cut to Hank going to an apartment complex. He raps on a door. A young girl holding a beer bottle answers the door. The teacher from last week (Paulie G. from The Comeback!) is at a table, snorting coke. All sweaty and hyper, he goes, "Moody! You fucking came!" It's like Christmas! Hank asks where Mia went. Teach says that Mia might be in the bathroom dropping a deuce. Teach calls Hank "Mofro" for some reason. He offers Hank some coke. Mia comes out of the bathroom. She seems fine. Hank tries to take her outside. Teach tries to stop him, saying he thought Hank might want to get in on some of this action. What action? Foursome! Teach says he's snow-blind right now. Hank tells him to get out of the way. Hank pulls out a cigarette, dips it in some coke, lights the cigarette and tells Teach that he's about to put him through a fucking wall if he says one more word. Teach asks if Hank would read something he wrote. Hank pushes the lit cigarette into Teach's chest and pushes him against a wall. Guess not.
Hank is dropping Mia off at home. His Porsche looks dirty. Hank asks what she was thinking. He says she wasn't in trouble. Mia says she was bored. Hank says she cried wolf. She says she just wanted to see Hank and that he enjoys their banter. Hank says that what he was enjoying was time with his Exy and kid. Mia reminds him that Bill is marrying Exy. She says she wants to see Bill happy and that Karen makes him happy. "Captain Fantastic!" Hank exclaims. Mia says the real question is whether Putzy Bill makes Karen happy. Hank tells Mia to fuck off. Mia asks him for a guess. Hank says he doesn't know. She tries to kiss Hank on the cheek and thanks him for the ride. She gets out of the car, finally. Hank goes up to the door. Exy answers. She asks about Uncle Charlie. Hank ignores the question and asks about Becca. She's out celebrating with her bandmates. He says he'll call her first thing in the morning. Hank and Exy go on and on about how great Becca was and how they made her. It's cute. Smiles all around. Hank apologizes and says good night. Exy asks if he wants to come in for a drink. He runs inside.
Charlie at home, in bed. Marcy asks if Dani mentioned anything about their little afternoon session. Charlie says no. Charlie says he doesn't talk about his love life with his employee. Charlie finds a clever way to bring up her slave remark and how it got him thinking about role-playing. He brings up the word "bondage" and says he's just trying to mix things up like she did earlier. Marcy, not too enthusiastically, asks if he wants her to beat the crap out of him. "Uh...if you...if you want, I guess," he says. Or he could beat her up, he says. Er, bad idea. He says nobody has to be beaten up. He explains the master/slave relationship. It's pretty much what you'd expect. She asks what he wants her to do. He busts out with candle wax on the nipples and teasing and she's pretty freaked out. He says he could bring her to the edge of orgasm and then stop. She says he already does that. He says he could pee on her. "Why would I want you to pee on me?" she asks. Maybe you got stung by a jellyfish? She says she's in. "Start doing some shit to me and we'll see how it goes," she says. Sort of...not the point. Marcy gets into doggie position and Charlie gets behind her. He suggests they set a safe word. "How about 'don't pee on me?'" she says. Good one! Charlie spanks her, hard. "Ow! Goddamit it!" she screams. Charlie apologizes. That really hurts. Party over. So I guess paddles are out of the question?
Exy's house. Exy and Hank are lounging by the pool, drinking. She asks what Hank would do if their "little spawn" became a real rock star. Hank says he'd be proud and would be there to pump her stomach when she ODd. Exy asks if Becca may have ever smoked pot "successfully." Hank says Becca told him that she saw Bill and Exy smoke it and it freaked her out so much she swore never to smoke. Exy laughs as she says that Bill saw a spider. Hank calls him a pansy. He asks if Exy is happy. "Whaaa?" she asks. She says she doesn't know what that means. Hank asks if Bill makes her happy. She says yes. "Bullshit! No! No, no!" They laugh. Hank asks if it's the way he made her happy. She says Hank made her insane. But happy? She says once upon a time he did, but then he made her crazy. She says she evolved. Hank asks if she outgrew him. Pretty much. Hank is a little annoyed.
Exy asks Hank to sum up their 10 years. He says they loved each other too much. He says they got it right the same time and that put too much pressure on things, so they buckled. Hank says the thing he misses most, besides Becca, is Exy's smell. "That's it?" she asks. He says when she left, he didn't want to wash the sheets. You know what sucks? Breaking up with someone and then you find one of their long hairs like a month later. Fucking ouch. Hank says it fucked him up because he'd wake up and smell her and think she was there. He says his heart would break again every time. He says that's why he goes in for the kiss all the time. To smell her. She asks if he's washed those sheets. Hank says he threw them away. He says a cute Starbucks barista had her period all over them. Exy laughs. Hank asks why they can't be together if he can make her laugh like that. Because you're both drunk right now? Exy thinks that Hank thinks he wants to be with her but that if she gave herself to him, he'd run for the hills. She says he's not in love with her. "You're in love with the idea...the idea of love." Exy says she's going to get some coffee. Hank asks how she can be so beautiful and so wrong. He kisses her, for real this time. Emo love music plays. Exy kisses him back. They break the kiss. She smiles and says he's running for the hills. She pushes him playfully, and he loses his balance and falls in the pool. Exy says she's sorry.
We cut to a bedroom. Hank falls on a bed with his shirt off. Exy, wearing a gauzy white nightgown, gets onto the bed and straddles Hank. The camera pivots around them. She kisses him. She raises her head and it's Mia. Then he's awake, and it really is Mia on top of him. She says it's just a kiss and it's not like she blew him. Hank is understandably jarred. Mia hands him some papers and says she wrote something. She wants a critique. "Now!?" Hank asks. She asks what happened last night. She asks if her father has anything to worry about. Hank tells her to get off. Exy calls for Mia, then comes in. Hank forcibly throws Mia off the bed, and she lands hard. Exy asks if he's seen Mia. He makes some funny noises, then says no. He puts a fist to his hip to block the view a bit. Exy says, "About last night..." Hank doesn't want to talk about it, which surprises her. Hank says it's a little raw and too soon. She asks if he's all right. She goes to take his temperature, and Hank falls forward on the bed. She offers to get him some Advil. On the floor, crawling? Exy goes to make coffee. Loudly, Mia pops up and asks about last night again. How did Exy not hear that? Hank pushes her away again.
Wearing one of Bill's salmon Polo shirts, Hank lurches down the stairs. "Oh my God! You look so lame," Beccabot says. We can't all be young and punk, Becca. Hank says that's what he's going for. Hank sits at the table with Mia, Becca, and Exy. Exy pours him coffee. Mia offers him the Times. "Boo-ya!" he says. Exy seems overexcited. They all smile. Exy goes to get the phone. "Pop-Tarts?" Hank asks incredulously. Hank mumbles with food in his mouth. Exy talks to Bill on the phone. He offers to take the phone. Exy refuses. Hank excuses himself. He tells Beccabot he'll call her later. He gives Mia a little high-five. On his way out, he takes Exy's hand and inhales of it. Exy watches him go, a little sadly.
Hank is at his black Macbook. "Don't Let Us Get Sick," as played by some band not fronted by Beccabot 3000, begins to play. Hank takes out the folded set of papers from his pocket. Mia's voice reads a story about a whiskey-soaked writer who sounds a lot like Hank. She says the writer was going to rant about how everything was so much cooler when he was young. The worst part is the girl in the story agrees with him. There's a knock at the door. Hank answers it. It's FHM, holding Hank's guitar. She says she felt bad. She doesn't look so great by the light of day. She's got his albums, too. She says he was so nice to her (without even knowing her name!) and that she took advantage. Er, yeah. Go ahead and look at it that way. Another win for Pussyman! She asks if he wants to get high and listen to some records. She's gonna tell him her name, but he stops her. Mia reads some more from her story about fucking each other just to feel something as we stumble toward the end of days. Hank kisses FHM in the doorway and pulls her inside the house. He shuts the door closed with his foot. They kiss roughly against the bookshelves. He carries her to the bedroom. The end.