Hell's Bells

Xander is at his apartment, searching for his cuff links. He asks Uncle Rory if he's seen them, and gets a lecture about Velcro being what he wants. The legendary Uncle Rory is not being played by Bruce Campbell, as so many fans had hoped. I'm disappointed about this too, and I would much rather have seen Bruce Campbell in boxers and an open bathrobe than the pot-bellied, gray-haired guy they did get to play Uncle Rory. Guess that's kinda the point, though. Rory continues to fiddle with the coffee machine as Xander greets a knotty-skinned guy who must be one of Anya's guests. An obviously human woman and child stare at Knotty Guy as he looks in the fridge. Rory fakes being electrocuted by the coffee machine, and Knotty Guy offers to take a look it, as the little girl in the background puffs on her asthma inhaler. Go, little sister! I feel your constricted bronchial tubes. I hope we're not supposed to think she's hateful like the rest of Xander's family just because she has asthma. I'd have to take offense at that. Knotty Guy's name is Krelvin. As he looks at the coffeemaker, the door opens, and Xander's mother and father enter. Without saying hello, Xander's dad roughly chides him for not being ready, and his mother instantly starts nagging, "Look at my hair! Of course, I suppose it doesn't really matter because I won't actually be in any of the pictures." As if this is a complaint he has heard many times before, Xander assures her that she will be in the pictures. Mr. Harris ignores this exchange and instead starts staring at Krelvin, finally asking if Krelvin is "one of hers." Xander tries to make nice, reminding his father that he met Krelvin at the rehearsal dinner. "Yeah, we met," chimes in Krelvin. "You said I resembled your mother-in-law, and then you hit me with a cocktail wiener and then you insulted my heritage." Sounds like trouble. Mr. Harris isn't fazed at all, though, sneering that he "means no disrespect" and then proceeding to be, well, really disrespectful. Xander pushes his mother, who is fussing with his buttons, away and stomps off towards his bedroom. On the way, he's stopped by his cousin Carol, who wants to know what her chances are with Krelvin and who is, for some reason, wearing Xander's cuff links as her earrings. "Nothing on earth can stop this wedding now," exclaims Xander. Famous last, last words.

Sunnydale street. It's still raining. An older man in an overcoat suddenly appears, wreathed in flames. He looks around him, then unfurls his umbrella and walks off.

Those Sonic the Hedgehog commercials with the real hedgehogs? Love them! But not enough to actually start playing videogames, so I guess that's failed marketing. Those commercials for the new UPN show As If? Hate them! But I actually did watch the premiere. So I guess that's successful marketing. Awful, I know. I'd have been better off with the videogames, I'm sure.

Buffy and Xander are in a room at the Bison Lodge now, I think. Buffy is wearing Xander's tuxedo coat and is trying to squish him into his cummerbund. Don't those things have a really long, adjustable strap? I thought so. Anyway, Xander worries that Buffy won't be able to make the cummerbund fit. "And then the whole world can see the place where my pants meet my shirt!" he exclaims, which makes me giggle, because I'd never seen cummerbunds in that light before. "I must wear das cummerbund," he insists, and Buffy finally gets it snapped, or buckled, or tied, or however these things are attached. He turns around, and she starts fiddling with his bow tie as she tells him how great he looks. She observes that he's "glowy," and then mocks, "Oh my god! Maybe you're pregnant!" Ha. Not. Don't even joke about it, Buffy. After all, if vampires can sire and bear children in the Jossverse, what's to stop men from doing it ? Xander suggests that he's happy, and Buffy gets all sniffly and happy for him. And of course, being Buffy, being happy for someone else also includes being happy for herself. She tells him that he and Anya give her hope "that there's light at the end of this very long, long nasty tunnel." I'm not sure how to interpret this, really. Xander and Anya give her hope of being happy, after her long depression and alienation subsequent to being yanked out of Hea-ven? Fine. But if she's saying Xander and Anya give her hope that she'll still find someone to marry, then I'd say she's being a twit. Because she has bigger fish to fry, like getting into therapy and dealing with everyday life, than relationship carp -- er, "crap." Am I babbling? I guess I'm cranky because I felt like I was expected to switch gears suddenly here, and instead of thinking of Buffy as someone involved in a huge existential crisis, I'm just supposed to think of her as a girl who has been a bit down because she's having trouble finding a long-term relationship. At twenty. But enough about me? Right. Buffy tells Xander she can't do anything with his tie and wonders where Willow, the best man, is during the dressing of the groom. Apparently Willow had more important things to do.

More important things like staring at Tara as Tara buttons up the back of Anya's dress. Willow offers to help and she and Tara giggle together. Anya, her hair in rollers and wearing a cold mask, insists on their attention, because she's practicing her vows. She's going to love, cherish, and honor, but not obey, of course. She then rambles on a tangent about sea captains, which sets Willow and Tara giggling again. They exchange smiles, and Tara keeps buttoning. "Take care of my heart, won't you please? Take care of it, because it's all that I have, and if you let me, I'll take care of your heart too," she continues. Awww. That's nice, and Emma really sells it. Then she promises to take care of Xander's heart, just like a "little mangy stray," which doesn't work as well. Tara finishes the buttons, and Anya turns around to show them the dress. Willow and Tara gape in admiration (genuine, I think), but the effect is sort of ruined because Anya is still wearing the curlers and mask. And I hate to interrupt myself here, but Willow's hair looks terrible! She's got just the bangs pinned up, and the back looks all limp. It's not so short that they couldn't have done something more with it. Tara's hair looks pretty good, though, parted on the side and curled at the ends. Anyway, Anya's wedding gown is an ivory, beaded strapless gown, with a retro feel. It's fitted very tightly through the chest and stomach and then spills into a series of flounces and ruffles at knee level. I think I actually like it, though it would be more appropriate for grand old Hollywood movie premiere than a wedding. Anya is giddy and wants to see Xander right away. Upon being told it's bad luck, she grouses she can't keep all the "ridiculous traditions straight," which is pretty disingenuous, I think, considering that she managed to nail the ugly bridesmaid's dress and uncomfortable rehearsal dinner traditions. "It's just I'm so excited and I want to share it all with my best friend!" she explains, grinning. "I get to be with my best friend forever," she continues, and does a cute little hand-flap-and-squeaky-noise combo.

Shot of the Sunnydale Bison Lodge. It's still pouring down rain, and guests scamper quickly inside. Near the front door, poor Dawn (also in a bridesmaid's dress) is talking to Uncle Rory, who has glommed himself onto an attractive young caterer. Rory tells Dawn that the caterer has agreed to be his "date" for the night, but the caterer looks like she's just making a monumental effort to be nice. Dawn quickly bails on the embarrassing situation; Rory chuckles and then notices a stuffed bison's head on the wall, decorated with a bridal veil. He tells the caterer that the bison's lip was taxidermied incorrectly, but with more gross details. Fondling the poor caterer's back, Rory smarms, "It was my trade. I used to stuff things. I still do, but only for fun." That's yucky on all the levels I'm seeing there.

Dawn heads into the foyer to greet the arriving guests. The entity to arrive is D'Hoffryn, who is carrying a box pierced by many holes. "May the love we celebrate today avoid an almost inevitable decline," D'Hoffryn greets her, then tries to give the gift to Dawn. However, Dawn is distracted by the arrival of Halfrek, who is also wearing one of the screaming green bridesmaid's dresses. As we've all seen in the promo, D'Hoffryn's gift sticks a squirmy tentacle out at Dawn. D'Hoffryn and Hallie continue on inside, arguing about Hallie trying to get Dawn to make a little vengeance wish. Dawn notices Spike slumping around the lobby and hurries over to talk to him, seemingly excited to see him. Spike doesn't even greet Dawn, however, and instead just truculently says, "I want you to meet the date," gesturing towards the Goth-y chick he has on his arm. Dawn politely says hello, the date just says, "Uh huh," and Spike says "date" about five more times. Looks like that whole Spike-and-Dawn rapport is as dead as, well, Spike. He cared more about making himself look like the big man here than he did about actually talking to Dawn. Dawn wanders off.

In a large gathering room, which features a bar along one side, Clem, Cousin Carol, Mrs. Harris, Uncle Rory, and a guy with tentacles on his chin are all sharing uncomfortable conversation. Carol and Rory comment on Clem and his buddy being "circus folk," and Clem admits that "there are ancient ways." He then quickly covers with, "Clowning as an occupation grew out of the Commedia dell'Arte and ancient sports," which seems like a nice topic for conversation but only leads Rory to sneer that Xander's children shouldn't be raised in any sort of cult. As the tentacle guy gets involved in the debate, we see repeated shots of Xander's mom looking apprehensive. Mrs. Harris isn't like I thought she'd be. I thought she'd be more obviously horrible because of the time Xander called home and she had no idea who he was. But then there was the time she wanted to provide Xander and Giles with snacks, so maybe she has her good days and her bad days. Mrs. Harris finally catches a glimpse of her husband, who is hunched over the bar, knocking back drinks and laughing cynically about the "'til death do us part" section of wedding vows. He instructs the bartender to give him another drink. The old man in the overcoat (remember him?) has shown up at the wedding and works his way thought the crowd, obviously looking for someone.

Still with Buffy, Xander puts on his coat and asks for an appraisal of how he looks. Buffy compliments him, and they share a hug before heading out into the hallway. Xander runs Buffy though a list of things she's supposed to do for him, the first of which is, "Don't let [Mr. Harris] near the bar." Oops, too late for that. Dawn joins them and just can't wait to tell Buffy that Spike has come to the wedding and brought a "total skank." I dunno -- Spike's date was a little surly, but I really didn't see anything too skanky about her. ["I know! In fact, she looked a lot like my hairdresser." -- Sep] I guess we're supposed to think this random girl is a skank because she has an eyebrow piercing and doesn't have shiny, shiny monk hair like Dawn. Whatever. Dawn continues to giggle about Spike's date, but Xander, obviously with more on his mind than Spike's social calendar, heads out to talk to the wedding guests. He takes some congratulations and handshakes, and everything seems fine until his mother comes over to complain that she's been seated in the third row, instead of the first. They were seated, and then they all got back up again to mingle? Is that normal? I don't know very much about weddings. Xander tries to assure his mother that it was a mistake, and then is suddenly set upon by a multitude of people who want his attention, including the overcoat guy. The camera spins around to show how overwhelmed Xander is, and then he gets dragged aside by Overcoat Guy, who insists, "You can't get married today. It's a huge mistake." Xander's confused by this, obviously, and has no idea who Overcoat Guy is. Overcoat Guy claims, "I'm Xander Harris. I'm you." Um, sure. I know people shrink as they get older and all, so that might explain how this guy could be shorter than Xander, but could it explain why he has a much pointier nose and possibly different colored eyes? (I'm not sure on the eyes, because my television is pretty small.)

Okay, so Overcoat Guy insists he's Xander Harris, from the future. Xander is naturally skeptical. They go back and forth on this topic for quite awhile, bogging the pace of this episode down even more. The bickering about who is or isn't a Xander is interrupted by Xander's dad drunkenly shouting, "Toast! Toast!" "I swear I told [the bartender] no drinks before the ceremony," exclaims the Xander of the present. The bartender should have slipped Mr. Harris some whiskey-colored Shirley Temples or something. As Mr. Harris drones on drunkenly in the background, making a scene, Overcoat Guy (I refuse to even pretend for one second that I ever actually bought his "I'm future Xander" story) shows Xander a pink crystal orb that he claims will prove his identity. As Overcoat Guy leads Xander out of the room, Mr. Harris calls the entire room's attention to his wife and then says, "What would I do without you, beautiful?" The room murmurs in appreciation until Mr. Harris continues, "Well, for starters, I probably wouldn't need to drink so much, would I?" Mrs. Harris looks like she wasn't expecting much better than that, and everybody just stands by as Mr. Harris continues to say nasty things about his wife. He then starts in on Anya's demon friends and is told by Clem's tentacle-y friend, "Sit down!" Mr. Harris and Squiddly (as Mr. Harris dubs him) are about to get into it when Buffy finally appears and drags Mr. Harris away. Mr. Harris leches on Buffy, who holds up well under the pressure.

Xander and Overcoat Guy have found an empty room in the Lodge. Overcoat Oldster pulls out his orb again (gotta watch out for old men in overcoats -- they always want to show you their orbs) and tells Xander to look into it so that he can see and feel what Overcoat Oldster has seen and felt. The orb flashes, and Xander is sucked inside. He suddenly materializes (still wearing his tux) in an easy chair. He holds a beer and watches a football game; looking around the messy, depressing room, he calls angrily for Anya. Two children, a regular-looking little boy and a girl with floppy ears a l Clem, run into the room, arguing. The little girl's name is Sarah ["gee, thanks" -- Sars] and the boy's name is either Joss or Josh. Anya, her chin pudged out with make-up, enters the room and curtly tells Xander she's going out to do a make-over party. She's bringing home the bacon because Xander has ruined his back fighting demons with Buffy. In this cheery vision of the future, Buffy is dead, again, and Anya thinks Xander's need to fight beside the Slayer has ruined their lives. She slams out of the house, and Xander shouts after her, "I hope you crash in your stupid pink car!" Jump forward a few years. The kids are now teenagers; Anya and Xander have taken them out for a family dinner. Josh and Sarah bicker, and when Sarah asks Xander to tell Josh to stop calling her a freak, he tells her to talk to her mother. Anya, looking haggard and old, just resentfully tells Xander he's had too much wine. Her old-age make-up looks pretty good in this scene, but Sarah's floppy ears look like nothing so much a bit of crumpled pink crepe paper pinned to her head. Anya and Xander bicker, and then Sarah storms out of the restaurant, saying she knows Xander isn't her real dad and that she wishes he would die. See, folks? Maybe little Dawnie isn't so bad after all. Well, if she'd lose the shrieking routine, that is. Later, Xander and Anya sit at a small table in their kitchen, which is a nightmare mishmash of 1950s appliances. He asks why she never left him, and complains about not getting any "touch in the past twenty years." He reviles Anya for stepping out on him, and when she tries to explain that he shut down and wouldn't come near her after Buffy died, Xander loses his temper completely. As Anya shouts about having hated herself for the last "thirty years," Xander grabs a cast-iron frying pan and swings violently at herhe opens his eyes in the present. Overcoat Oldster insists that he's given Xander a glimpse of his future, and Xander begs to know that Anya is all right. Overcoat Oldster doesn't answer him, but instead repeats that Xander mustn't marry Anya so that he can avert the pain in their future.

Speaking of pain, Buffy is trotting across the area set up for the ceremony, and spots Spike lounging against a wall. She wipes her fingers against her dress nervously and then heads over to speak to him. They exchange hellos; Spike tilts his head and attitudes, "You meet my friend?" Buffy allows that she hasn't, and then continues, "But she seems like a very niceattempt at making me jealous." Hee. And apparently it's worked some, although Buffy tells him it doesn't change anything between them. When she admits that seeing him with someone else "hurts," his immediate reaction is a concerned, "I'm sorry," with a quick switch to, "Good!" Aw. Aren't they sweet. Or something. Spike offers to leave the wedding, but Buffy says she has no right to ask him that. After a few uncomfortable moments, he again says he'll take his date and leave. Buffy's all curious if he's heading back to his place, which apparently was Spike's plan. He begins to assure her that he won't do whatever with what's-her-name, and once again says he's going to leave. SO LEAVE ALREADY! "Give my best or whateverhappy couple," mutters Spike with a wave of his hand, and then very sincerely tells Buffy that it's nice to see her happy. "I don't see it a lot," he admits, adding, "You glow." "That's because the dress is radioactive," quips Buffy sweetly. Spike actually leaves this time, but not before checking one last time that it hurts Buffy to see him with someone else. "Thanks," he says, to which Buffy sadly replies, "You're welcome."

Sep: So, two references to glowing and being pregnant. Do you fear what I fear?
Ace: I can't hear you! Can'thearyouhearyouhearyou!
Sep: That's not going to work and you know it! I have infinite patience to shout over your childish babbling. Can you hear me now? Good. Because I honestly want to know: do you think Mutant Enemy is foreshadowing a pregnant-Buffy story line?
Ace: Oh, c'mon. They wouldn't, would they? [pause] Oh, God. They would. This season of Angel proves they so would.
Sep: I know. I used to trust them to not choose the horribly annoying plots, and now -- well, I can trust them to unerringly choose the horribly annoying plots.
Ace: But Spike's a vampire. He can't get Buffy pregnant, right? Oh, man, what if the whole "I'm a vampire! My seed is dead" thing is just a big scam male vampires have been perpetrating for centuries?
Sep: Shyah. It's all been a big ploy to get out of having to wear a condom.