Previously on Buffy, Buffy's theatre of pain. Riley left town. Buffy chased down his copter and then fell into bed with Spike. Xanya got engaged. Buffy got a dead-end job.
DMP. Buffy scrapes the grill while one of her coworkers, Todd, stands nearby and flaps his gums about the political power structure of their fast-food environs. "It's like Machiavelli says." At this Buffy looks up. Todd smarms, "You know Machiavelli, right?" Buffy asks if he's the mullet who works day shifts, but I think she was hoping that Todd would just shut the hell up and leave her alone. Todd condescends, "I keep forgetting that you dropped out of college." Cram it, you slimy little worm. I dropped out of college myself once upon a time, but I still know who Machiavelli is. Buffy interjects that she's in the process of reapplying. Todd grabs his bag, saying that he's got to get a move on if he doesn't want to be late for his night classes. He's getting his MBA. Right. Because when one is getting a post-graduate degree, it's quite likely that one would work fast food. Where is Todd getting his MBA? DeVry? University of Phoenix? Ace tells me that my Todd hate is completely disproportionate to the amount of screen time he gets, but sometimes hate is all you have to get you through the day. "See you tomorrow," he calls. "Yes you will," replies Buffy to herself sadly. "And the day after that. And the day after that."
Cut to Buffy walking through the graveyard, carrying a paper sack and singing the Doublemeat Palace jingle. Aw. She's stopped by one of those stupid vampires that actually seeks out a confrontation with the Slayer. Or maybe he's heard about Spike and is hoping for a date. Who can tell? Buffy makes him wait while she carefully places her cargo on a nearby headstone before giving the vamp her full attention. Mid-grapple, the vamp stops and asks, "What's that smell?" Once Buffy testily explains that she's been working at the DMP, the vamp loses interest in her as a snack. He starts to make excuses, but then he's felled by flying stake. Huh. Remind me never to ask the slayer if she's skipped the deodorant.
Home at last and unmolested! Oh, wait. There's Spike in the front yard, who is also hoping for a piece of Buffy, albeit a different one than the first vamp wanted. Buffy stops him with a preemptive "No. Spike." He protests that she can't shoot him down when he hasn't even had a chance to ask the question yet. Spike leans into her airspace seductively; Buffy slaps his hand away, explaining that Dawn is inside waiting for dinner and she doesn't plan on "letting her down." Unlike letting her down by feeding her crappy fast food. Buffy doesn't want Spike inside where Dawn could find them, so Spike leads her over to the tree that is directly in front of the house, because I guess Dawn doesn't know how to look out a window yet. Hey! She's only about 18 months old. She's barely mastered object permanence. God, how I wish that sentence meant that Dawn might disappear forever at any time.
Buffy walks in to the kitchen and sets her bag on the counter. She slides it over to Dawn, but Dawn isn't exactly thrilled. And who could blame her? Cold, congealed fast food? Not appealing. Cold, congealed fast food that's been out patrolling in a graveyard and then in the vicinity of Spuffy sex? Especially with what appears to be your big sister's ass print on it? Even less appealing. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's endangerment of a minor. Dawn gently explains that she can't eat any more fast food. Buffy promises to bring home fish nuggets tomorrow. Willow comes in and comments on the grass stain on Buffy's coat. Willow assumes that it's from slaying vamps, but we all know it's from laying them instead. Buffy herself almost slips and gives it away, then sighs that she has to wash her coat now. Willow suggests that Buffy forget about it and go hang out at the Bronze with the gang and Dawn. Shouldn't Dawn be, y'know, grounded? Buffy tells them to go and have fun without her. They try and cajole her, but Buffy thinks that she's "had enough action for one night." After they leave, Buffy turns to a full sink of dirty dishes. Why is it that Buffy seems to be the only one capable of doing any chores? Did the gang pull a fast one on her? Maybe when she was fresh out of the grave and a little confused, they took her aside and fed her a fat pack of lies. "Buffy, you're the chosen housekeeper. Only you possess the strength needed to combat the grime and filth and evil dust bunnies of the world. This is your destiny!"
Bronze. Xanya sit at the bar and argue about the seating chart. And I can't believe I'm even saying this, but thank all that is holy that the wedding is week. Now I won't have sit through any more wedding planning "humor." Anya gets on Xander's case about his snarfing of a nearby bag of chips, saying that he won't be able to fit into his tux if he keeps it up. Jeez. Rude much? Granted, I'm not calling Xander fat, but I will say that if you mathematically calculated The Area of Xander in season six and compared it to The Area of Xander in season three, you'd probably have enough extra Xander to make a mini-Xander. I do wonder if it's Nicholas Brendon's way of making sure that he gets the maximum amount of screen exposure. "If I can't be in most scenes, then by GOD I'll be in as much of the scenes that I am in as possible." Anya snatches the bag away and begins munching herself. Xander blows a bit of a gasket, listing all the things that need to be taken care of as well as other incipient stresses, and finishes with a "and do NOT take my chips!" Xanya glare at each other. Dawn, unaware of the tension, skips up with a cheery greeting, but when they both snap at her, she goes to deliver a drink to Willow instead. Willow is in an extremely chipper mood, due to the fact that if she were to call Tara, Tara would not hang up on her. Uh. Yay?
Summers home. Basement. Kept company only by a portable radio, Buffy dabs furiously at the grass stain on her coat. Abrupt cut to the living room. It's morning, and Buffy is asleep on the couch, her coat draped over her. She's awakened by the sound of the garbage truck and races after it with the trash bags, but it's too late. Buffy walks in through the back door, having picked up yesterday's mail on the way back inside. Dawn's already in the kitchen and oh-so-helpfully reminds Buffy that it's trash day. Someone remind me why Dawn can't take out the trash? God. It's not like we ever see her DO anything other than whine and prance about. I'm sure she spends a lot of time shining her hair or something, but I'm thinking that five minutes spent hauling refuse to the street once a week wouldn't make an appreciable dent in her grooming time. Buffy gives her a look, then opens a letter from UC Sunnydale. It's a rejection notice. But it looks like her application was only rejected because she didn't get it in before the deadline. Which really shouldn't be a surprise, since the semester already started and all. Dawn asks what Buffy is reading, but Buffy doesn't want to tell her and just folds it and hides it away. Dawn kisses Buffy on her way out the door and says, "See you this afternoon…tonight then. Or, you know, tomorrow's cool." Maybe June? Or how's '04 looking for you? Really, anytime this decade is fine by me. Is Dawn on drugs? Last week, I spent most of the episode cringing at her babyish behavior, but this week she's the perfect little sister. What gives?
Doublemeat. Oh god, it's that annoying Todd guy. Buffy's flippin' burgers, he's nattering on about zeitgeist. Shut UP. Well, at least he seems to be working this time. He tells Buffy that it's her turn to man the registers, and she wanders up front, mechanically reciting the traditional fast-food greeting. Surprise! Her first customer is Riley! Buffy is taken aback. I guess she's not used to seeing French fries in their unprocessed form.
Back from commercials, Buffy is dazed and somewhat confused. Riley urgently tries to tell Buffy that he's on the tail of something dangerous that's just now showed up in Sunnydale. Time is of the essence, and he needs her help. Buffy is all, "My hat has a cow." And a rooster tail, sweetie. Can you tell me what sound a rooster makes? Riley sighs and apologizes for showing up out of the blue and interrupting her at work. But then he breaks it down for her: "I need the best. I need you, Buffy." Buffy considers her options for a long moment and then finally decides that gadding about with fry guy is marginally preferable. She rips her hat off of her head, grabs her coat, and rushes out.
Streets of Sunnydale. Riley again mentions how, as soon as he gets a chance, he'd love to sit a spell and catch up with Buffy, but he's interrupted by an instrument beeping. Buffy is briefly nostalgic for Riley's gadget-loving ways while Riley expositions that the Demon With Name I Can't Bother To Look Up is so dangerous because the species breeds very quickly. Buffy characterizes them as "really mean Tribbles," which cracks me up. They're interrupted by the snarl of the DWNICBTLU. Riley rushes in waving a badge and shouting that he's with the Forestry Service here to apprehend the "wild bear." Townspeople scatter in fear; I really would have liked one of them to be all, "Wild bear? Where? Did that big honkin' demon yonder EAT IT?" Riley and Buffy make a concerted attack on the DWNICBTLU, but he throws both of them aside and then jumps over a big wall. Buffy muses, "It's too fast." "I wouldn't necessarily say that," replies Riley.
Cut to a dark SUV peeling out down a deserted road. Inside, Buffy compliments his "wheels." "Came with the car," says Riley tersely. Riley punches some data into the GPS tracking system on the dashboard. He again mentions that he's got some "big stories" to tell Buffy just as soon as all the craziness calms down. "Did you die?" asks Buffy. When Riley answers in the negative, she teases, "I'm gonna win." Riley does a double-take at this but doesn't pursue it. Apparently, Buffy's Doublemeat Palace duds aren't covert enough, so he gives her a black Kevlar vest to wear. "Boys like toys," explains Riley, in response to Buffy's look. Who is this strange self-assured Riley all ready with the quips and clipped delivery? Oh! Maybe he got a personality as his aspect of the demon? Buffy coquettishly says, "You won't look?" Riley reminds her that he's a gentleman. He gets serious for a moment, telling her how good it is to see her, and then, eyes still on the road, declares, "And Buffy? Love the hair."
In another car on a totally not-deserted road, Xanya are stuck in traffic, sharing a bag of chips. Anya opines that they actually must have died on the way to the airport and are really now in hell. Xander says that the radio said there was no traffic. "It's a hell radio. Of course it says that," grumps Anya. Heh. Xander gripes about his Uncle Rory. Anya frets that if she's not there to meet some demony friends of hers who are teleporting in soon, "someone's getting incinerated." Xander wonders why they were stupid enough to invite both her friends (demons) and his family (monsters) to stay at their place. Yawn. Booooring.
Buffy and Riley exit the car and walk over to the…huge dam in Sunnydale. More pseudo-banter. Poor Buffy is flirting her little heart out. Buffy and Riley rappel down the side of the dam. Find the demon. Fight the demon. Get their asses almost handed to them. As the demon is momentarily incapacitated, Riley and Buffy almost share a moment with her leaning against the wall of the dam and Riley panting into her face. In the background, a figure in black rappels down the side also. She approaches the duo, and after briefly greeting Riley, shifts her focus to Buffy and asks, "What exactly are you doing with my husband?"
Well, dam! Ha -- see, that's a joke, because there's another shot of the huge dam, and…oh, forget it. Poor Buffy breathes, "Husband?" and then, "Wife," to the two Kute Kommandos, who nod in konfirmation. There's something a little cross-eyed about Riley's wife. We suffer through a few more awkward moments before Riley finally introduces his wife as "Sam." But as so often happens in Sunnydale, there's a demon attack to break up the uncomfortable moment. Sam runs over to punch the demon (which was just throwing Riley and Buffy around like rag dolls) repeatedly with her fists (how is it possible that she's stronger than Buffy and Riley combined?). As she clobbers the demon, Riley and Buffy hang back, discussing the bombshell that just rappelled into their midst. Turns out Sam is Special Forces; she and Riley have been married four months, and Riley "meant to tell" Buffy about it. At some point. Some other point than all the points they experienced while riding in his car together and rappelling down dams, I guess. Buffy looks pretty disheartened. Sam continues to fight the demon. Riley watches her proudly and explains to Buffy that fighting demons brought him and Sam together. Hey, just like it brought Riley and Buffy together! Except that then, Buffy was a big emotional withholder and messed up the relationship and is now reduced to making quips about fast food, supporting a bunch of freeloaders, and hittin' the sheets with Dru's sloppy seconds, whereas Riley and Sam are all happily married and having a career together and shit. Seeing ex-boyfriends can be a real bitch. When the demon throws Sam down, Riley finally joins in with some sort of taser weapon. Buffy mopes by the wall for a little while and then grabs the demon and quickly breaks its neck. It's her turn to be proud, but not for long, since Mutant Enemy hates her this season and she must be humiliated at every turn. She notices that Riley and Sam look totally chagrined. Turns out Mr. and Mrs. Potatohead were on a "homing operation" and didn't want the demon killed. Another thing Riley was meaning to tell Buffy. At some point. I guess. Sam's pretty cool about it, and mocks Riley for not informing Buffy of the mission parameters. Sam talks kinda funny -- like a girl from a seventies sitcom who's from Jersey and wishes she were a boy. Like Jo from Facts of Life! Hmm, I always liked Jo the best. I'm withholding judgment on Sam for now. There's more kute banter, and after slicing open the demon, Sam says they're "too late" for something. However, the Kute Kommandos still don't bother to actually tell Buffy what the hell their mission was. They ask if she has a "safe house," and she offers her own home. They were chasing the demon, not vice-versa. The demon is dead. Wouldn't a Sunnydale coffee shop be about as safe a house as they need? Riley promises, "I'll fill you in. On everything."
Buffy, Sam, and Riley enter the Summers home. As Buffy apologizes for the house being a mess (it doesn't really look like one), Riley greets Dawn, who gives him a pretty icy reception. Xander and Willow come in from the kitchen and give Riley a handshake and hug, respectively. Riley tells Xander he'll love the married life, and as everyone heads into the living room, Willow pulls Buffy aside. With a darling glimmer of her former self, Willow whispers, "Just so you know -- I'm prepared to hate this woman any way you want." Buffy thanks her but doesn't want to seem petty; Willow assures her she can "carry the hate" for both of them. Aw. Dawn snottily asks Riley what brings him back to Sunnydale, getting in a dig about how he left without saying goodbye. A man on a mission, or something, Riley ignores the hostility and instead gives some extended exposition about the DWNICBTLU Buffy croaked at the dam. It's a vicious, almost unstoppable killer that breeds copiously and grows quickly. As Riley explains, he gets a little fussy that Dawn is hearing the (not so) gory details, and Sam annoys me by telling him Dawn's old enough to stay and then turning to Buffy for her permission. Whatever, Lt. McBossypants. The DWNICBTLU has already laid eggs somewhere in Sunnydale, and since Buffy was such a big loser and killed it, there's no way for Mr. and Mrs. Potatohead to find the nest. Sam graciously (or condescendingly -- your call) tells Buffy it's good she killed the demon, and then engages Xander in some wedding planning talk.
As Sam blathers about disposable cameras, Buffy sadly watches Riley fondle his wife's knee. She tries to direct the meeting back on track, and Mr. and Mrs. Potatohead reveal that, in some improbable way, they suspect that the demon eggs will be "sold on the black market." Apparently, some dealer named "the Doctor" is going to sell the eggs to foreign governments, who will be able to use the demons to decimate entire towns. This whole plot seems totally random. They were following the demon, rather than arriving ahead of it, which would possibly indicate that perhaps they didn't know where it was headed, yet they also know that someone in Sunnydale is waiting to take the eggs and sell them in an already established deal? And how does this Doctor person know where the demon laid the eggs? This whole demon egg plot sucks, well, eggs. And not just because I'm feeling let down after the brief peak in my interest when I heard mention of "the Doctor" and had a brief shining moment of hope that Joel Grey would be reprising his role as Doc. Sam puts her foot in it when she says, "Willow, you think you can help with a little locating spell?" Willow says she can't, then sulks, "I got addicted, the way addicts do." Sigh. Nice try, Will, but actually you got a bad storyline, the way characters in the sixth seasons of shows do. Willow flounces out of the room. Riley decides to send Buffy and Sam out together to look for the nest while he searches for the Doctor. Both Sam and Buffy seem pretty unsure about having to work together -- Buffy looks all pop-eyed, and Sam says she'll just slow down the Slayer. For some reason, her saying so changes Buffy's mind, and they all prepare to leave.
Willow. Kitchen. Sulk. Suck. Sigh. "Sigh" is just my shorthand for the complete disgust I have for the whole addiction plot. I can't even complain anymore. I just sigh. Sam clomps into the kitchen and makes a belabored attempt at "stage business" by affectedly pushing a bit of her bangs behind her ear. She apologizes for bringing up a sensitive subject and then…and then…and then she tells Willow a little story about two -- not ONE, but TWO -- shamans the Special Forces had working for them who used dark magic and became addicted. Addicted, JUST LIKE WILLOW! So, see, audience, you mock the magic addiction because you've never heard of it once in the six years the show's been on, but it EXISTS. It really, really does. Because Sam says so. And Sam is a mighty goddess, swept down from the sky, perfect in every regard. Then it gets worse. Sam continues her little exercise in plot justification by telling Willow that the magic-addicted shamans "are gone." Totally gone. Like that episode we just had, called "Gone." And she's never ever met anyone as special and wonderful and great as the great and wonderful and special Willow, who is the only person in the whole wide world who had the power to quit magic before it ate them alive. Writers trotting in tertiary characters to praise and illustrate the worth of lead characters really chaps my hide. Writers trotting in tertiary characters to praise and illustrate the worth of lead characters, while also using said tertiary characters to shore up spurious and poorly developed plot lines, makes me furious. Sam leaves the room, and Willow looks all glowy. Sigh.
Buffy and Sam patrol a cemetery. They walk very…very…very…slowly. I suspect that the actress playing Sam wasn't capable of walking quickly and speaking at the same time. Anyway, Sam's all hero-worshippy of Buffy, both because she's the legendary Slayer and because she's Riley's former love. Buffy seems a little interested to hear that Riley talked about her to Sam, and then we're subjected to Origins Of The Kute Kommando Kouple. Sam was a Peace Corps volunteer whose co-workers were all killed by demons. Somehow that led to her joining the Special Forces, and then to her meeting Riley. After she and Riley had been friends for awhile, he started talking to her about Buffy. Buffy sort of asks if Riley thinks Buffy let him go, and then says she wishes things had been different for them. She's a little nervous about how that sounded to Sam, but Sam assures her that there's no bad guys in the situation. Oh Sam, with your noble and gentle brow, dispensing wisdom. After Sam says, "It took him a year to get over you," Buffy replies that she's glad (he's over her), but actually looks pretty bummed. Unknowingly, Sam doesn't make things any better by chirpily asking if Buffy has a new beau. Buffy stutters about not wanting to "jump into anything" and finishes, "I don't wanna be defined by who I'm with." "Better no guy than the wrong guy," agrees Sam, but before she's even done talking, Buffy says they should split up. She tells Sam she has an informant she wants to see, but she needs to go alone. Sam's happy to run off to see Riley and clomps away, saying, "Don't worry about Ri and me. We're good." "I noticed," mopes Buffy. Oh, boo hoo.
Spike's in his crypt, reading a book by candlelight. I guess he doesn't have to worry about ruining his eyes. Buffy storms in and tells Spike she needs information. He says he'll help "if the price is right," and makes a little joke about how little money she makes working at the Doublemeat Palace. I guess that's okay, though. Using someone for sex probably doesn't entitle you to free information. I couldn't possibly even begin to understand the etiquette in this strange relationship. Buffy tells him she's looking for someone called the Doctor who deals in demon goods, but Spike has other things on his mind. Buffy's business-like demeanor seems to have gotten his dander up -- he gives her a long, lazy up-and-down look. When she tells him the Doctor is doing whatever he's doing "soon," Spike practically winks and asks, "Soon but not now?" Suddenly the tone in the room changes as Buffy softly asks, "Tell me you love me." The look on Spike's face is amazing -- he drops the flirting and looks so hopeful and happy. "I love you. You know I do," he replies. Buffy steps closer. "Tell me you want me," she continues. "I always want you," he says, and then Buffy shuts him up by pulling him over to one of the sepulchers, conveniently covered in blankets and pillows. She frantically unbuttons his shirt as her eyes search his face. Um, I feel like I've taken up writing romances, but that's what happened.
Some time later, the camera pans back to show us Spike and Buffy asleep on top of the sepulcher. There's some noise in the room and Buffy stirs restlessly. Then the door slams open; Spike sits up on his elbows and Buffy sits all the way up, clutching the blanket to her chest. When Spike sees who has entered the crypt, he begins laughing and then tells Riley (for it is he -- ugh, damn romances), "I don't usually use the word 'delicious,' but I've got to wager this little tableau must sting a bit, eh?" Riley looks stone-faced and Buffy simply dazed as Spike continues to gloat about screwing Riley's ex-girlfriend. Nice manners, Spike. Never you mind about Buffy's feelings in this situation. Just keep acting like she's not even there as you attempt to engage in a dick-measuring contest with her ex-boyfriend. Anyway, Riley couldn't care less what Buffy does. He's got him some Sammy keeping the artillery warm at home. Instead, he says, "That's not why I'm here. Doctor." Buffy looks shocked and betrayed.
Back from commercial, Buffy looks questioningly at Riley, who gestures in confirmation towards Spike with his gun. The shock of hearing that Spike is the villain of the week finally sends Buffy scurrying for her clothes. As she scampers off for a place to dress, Spike pulls off the blanket and gives Riley the full monty as he needles him about getting his vamp suck-jobs. I was just kidding when I mentioned a dick-measuring contest, Spike. There wasn't really any need for you to show off the goods quite so blatantly. Riley has no reaction to the goading, but instead looks around the crypt (pointedly avoiding the free show) and asks, "Where are they, Doctor?" Spike claims to not know what Riley's talking about or why he's calling him Doctor. Unimpressed, Riley tries a little macho posturing himself, saying he's glad to be back in Sunnydale where he knows who to beat for information. Buckling his pants (finally), Spike antes up with, "She's not your bint anymore." Um, yuck. I don't think that's a very nice word to use about the woman you love. Isn't it like calling a woman a cunt in America? And since when was Buffy anyone's possession, especially Spike's? Ugh. Blather blather about how Buffy has always wanted him, but Riley is not distracted. He asks Spike straight out where the eggs are, but Spike just laughs and calls Riley crazy.
Riley is just punching Spike in the face when Buffy arrives back on the scene. She looks shaken by that and protests, "The Doctor. It can't be Spike." Aw, ain't that nice? Spike says she doesn't have to defend him, so she whops him in the face too and continues, "It can't be, okay? He's too incompetent." Oh. Not so nice. Riley is convinced that the demon eggs are there, and prepares to search the place. "Over my dead body," protests Spike, and Riley actually gets a "heh" from me when he shoots back, "I've seen enough of your dead body for one night, thanks." As Riley heads downstairs into Spike's bedroom area, he asks Buffy if she's coming with him. She looks torn, but after a sad look at Spike she resolutely follows Riley downstairs. She's still protesting that Spike couldn't possibly be organized enough to be the Doctor when they discover a whole mess of big artichoke-like eggs in the corner. At this point, I wasted valuable minutes trying to decide if the eggs looked more like artichokes or like evil Cabbage Patch Kids cabbages. I wonder how the eighties would have been different if the Cabbage Patch craze had included bloodthirsty demon critters. But y'know? Those Cabbage Patch Kids were freakin' dangerous enough with their heavy-gauge steel skulls filled with reinforced concrete. The day I got mine, there was a definite shift of power between me and my brother. Especially when I extended my range by tying my jump-rope to wee Cathy. Little did my parents know that I was using my Cabbage Patch Kid as a mace to stave off my brother's reign of terror. My m-o-m was just happy that I was finally playing with a doll. Anyway. I guess this whole tangent is moot, because upon reviewing, I've decided that they look more like artichokes after all. Isn't there some little town in California whose claim to fame is being the artichoke capital of the world? I can't remember what town that is. I could look it up on the Internet. That's pretty much the type of thing the Internet was created for, but I feel I've wasted too much time on this already. ["It's Castroville. No, don't get up. I'll fire myself." -- Sars]
Anyway, back in the Buffyverse it looks like trouble because Spike hasn't kept the eggs frozen (which was necessary to keep them from hatching). Coming up behind them, Spike tells Riley that he can stop calling him "Doctor" and that he's just holding the eggs for a friend. Buffy punches Spike hard and knocks him down, saying, "No more games." His nose bloodied, Spike jumps up and shouts, "No more games? That's all you've ever done is play me. And you keep playing with rules you make up as you like!" He shrugs his shirt back onto his shoulder and is practically in tears as he continues, "You know what I am. You've always known." And then sadly, "You come to me all the same." Riley and Buffy harsh a little on Spike as he runs out of the room. Then the eggs hatch, and little squealy crab-like things start skittering towards Riley and Buffy. There's a ton of them, and Riley and Buffy only have one gun. For some reason, Riley gives it to Buffy, and for some reason, the girl who can fire a cross-bow into a vampire's heart can't hit anything with sophisticated weaponry. Yeah, I don't get it either. Buffy and Riley have no way to defeat the krabby creatures, so they decide to run away. They scamper up into the crypt, and Riley says they need a way to "contain" the krabby kritters. I'm picturing a very large Tupperware container doing the job nicely, but Buffy yanks off Riley's entire tool belt (you can pause your TiVo here on a full-screen Riley crotch-shot, if you like that sort of thing), pulls the pin on a grenade, and drops the whole thing below. They duck and cover as Spike's bedroom area is blown all to hell.
Strangely, we segue right to Anya and Xander, hiding in their bathroom and bickering. Anya seems resentful of how much Xander has been blathering about Riley. She wonders if he thinks Riley's marriage is better than his own (technically he's not married yet, but that's what she said), and Xander assures her that isn't the case, although he has a hard time "imagining Nick and Nora Fury hiding out from their own relatives in the bathroom." Nick and Nora Fury. Kute. Anyway, to summarize the rest of the scene: Xander is scared of the actual wedding, but looking forward to being with Anya for the rest of his life. "Our wedding is not our marriage," realizes Anya. Moving on? Moving on.
Riley and Buffy amble out of Der Zauber Kasten as they talk about where the Kute Kommandos will be going . Riley offers to send a postcard from Nepal, and then asks Buffy in a neutral tone if she wants him to "take the Doctor out." Wait -- he likes Spike now? Wants to treat him to dinner and a movie? Oh, no, right. That's military speak for killing Spike. "Do I want you to --?" says Buffy incredulously. "How can you ask me?" she continues in a tone that seems to make clear that she doesn't want Riley to do that. "I'm sleeping with him. I'm sleeping with Spike," she attempts to explain. Riley gets another "heh" from me for dryly saying, "I had actually noticed that." Buffy lashes out a little, asking if he actually waited until his life was perfect before coming back to Sunnydale, but Riley protests that he was terrified to see her again. "I'm sure my incredible patheticness softened the blow for you," self-pities Buffy. Riley is all, "I don't know what you're talking about." Dude? Has the potato grown so large that you cannot see what is right in front of your tuber nose? Riley tells her that none of the unfortunate circumstances that she finds herself in right now "mean anything." "It doesn't touch you," he continues. "So you're not in the greatest place right now. And maybe I made it worse. Wheel never stops turning, Buffy. You're up, you're down. Doesn't change what you are. And you are a hell of a woman." See, I think that's nice. I was spoiled for this episode, and I was all worried that Riley was going to fix Buffy's wagon right up by delivering a huge condescending lecture about how wrong everything was in her life, but instead he just tells her she's fantastic. Nothing wrong with that at all, and something more people should tell the people they love more often. See? Look at that. I don't need to call Riley an ass if he's not being an ass. Buffy sadly says, "Riley, that night. I never got the chance to tell you how sorry I was about what happened between us." "You never have to," he replies. I don't think she was accepting all the blame for the end of the relationship there, as some people have speculated. I think it was more her expressing sadness and regret that things ended with so much anger and resentment. You can be sorry that something happened without thinking it's all your fault. Our nice moments are over, however, because Sam leads Xander, Willow, and Dawn out of the Magic Box as she and Xander talk more boring wedding talk. Oh my god! No. Body. Cares. Sam makes nicey-nice goodbyes with Xander and Willow while Dawn glowers as only teenagers can, finally sneering at Riley, "So you gonna say goodbye this time or just split all secret-agenty like last time?" Since he and Sam are standing there saying goodbye, this seems like a rather stupid question. Dawn shouldn't miss so much school. In fact, Dawn should probably get shipped off to boarding school to catch up. Preferably a boarding school somewhere in a galaxy far, far away. Riley asks for and gets a hug from Dawn, and gives her a formal goodbye. Then a chopper flies in, and Mr. and Mrs. Potatohead are air-lifted out clipped to a wire. Are they going to drag them all the way to Nepal? Whatever. Buffy is the cheese and stands alone as the others wave goodbye. Before she goes inside, Willow steps over to Buffy and says in re: Sam, "What a bitch!" Of course she doesn't mean it, but it's still rather charming.
Spike surveys the bombed-out ruins of his lair and sighs. As he stares at the ground, Buffy walks in, wearing a strange tucked and gathered lavender peasant blouse. "Thought you'd be off snogging the soldier boy," Spike says grumpily. "He's gone," Buffy tells him and Spike asks if she's there for "a bit of cold comfort." He then makes a half-hearted quip about the bed being blown up but them not needing it anyway. "I'm not here to…" says Buffy gently. "And I'm not here to bust your chops about your stupid scheme either." What she is there to do is tell him, "It's over." Spike steps towards her, saying he's heard this one before and that she still wants him. Buffy agrees that she does: "Being with you makes things simpler. For a little while." In the same calm tone, she continues, "I'm using you. I can't love you. I'm just being weak and selfish…and it's killing me." Spike looks at her like he finally believes something is different about her protests this time. They stare at each other, and Buffy sadly says, "I'm sorry, William." She turns and leaves the crypt, where Spike shakes his head a little in pain. Upstairs, Buffy walks into a bright ray of sunshine and looks up in a hopeful visual statement.