Previously on Buffy: Spike and Buffy were an item; Xander proposed to Anya; Tara and Willow broke up; Buffy dumped Spike; Hallie the vengeance demon helped Dawn make a wish. There comes a certain point in every season when a recapper wearies of the previouslys.
Buffy and Willow are in Buffy's room. They're gasping at disgust at something in front of them. "Buffy, it's hideous. Oh my god, Buffy! Look at its arms!" exclaims Willow, making a blech face. "I know. But it's my duty," replies Buffy, and we cut to both the girls reflected in a full-length mirror. They're wearing peacock-green satin gowns, with square necks and tiers of flamenco-like flounces around the bottom. Both dresses have a huge floppy green flower at the breast, and Willow's has tiered chiffon sleeves. The green color of the dresses is very hard to describe; it's not emerald, or kelly, and it resides in a strange realm somewhere between green and blue. It would be the number-one color choice for your prom dress if your prom's theme was "Under the Sea." As rain pours down outside the window, Willow sulks that she has to wear one of the bridesmaid's gowns even though she's the best man. "Shouldn't I be all Marlene Dietrich-y in a dashing tuxedo number?" she whines. My poor beleaguered corneas, reeling in pain from being forced to see Willow's red hair vibrating against the perverted green of her dress scream, "Yes! Yes! Put on a tuxedo, Willow!" Buffy sits on the bed to put on her earrings as Willow suggests that perhaps they could still "go with the traditional blood larvae and burlap" of traditional demon wedding attire. The sleeves on Willow's dress actually look like some sort of larvae have consumed her arms. Buffy and Willow rehash the fact that Xander's relatives and Anya's demon friends are two great tastes that don't taste great together, and Willow mentions that the rehearsal dinner was "like a zoo without the table manners." Seems Anya told all of Xander's relatives that her demon friends are "circus folk," and the Harrises were drinking and behaving badly. Mr. Harris even threw up in Buffy's purse. Snerf. As we hear these lovely details of the matrimonial process, Anya hurries into the room and gasps in admiration at Buffy and Willow in their dresses. "You guys look so beautiful," she coos. Yeah, like hell's belles. Anya rushes over to give them a hug. "This is the happiest day of my life!" Uh oh. Famous last words. Willow makes a hilarious face at Buffy over Anya's shoulder.
Xander is at his apartment, searching for his cuff links. He asks Uncle Rory if he's seen them, and gets a lecture about Velcro being what he wants. The legendary Uncle Rory is not being played by Bruce Campbell, as so many fans had hoped. I'm disappointed about this too, and I would much rather have seen Bruce Campbell in boxers and an open bathrobe than the pot-bellied, gray-haired guy they did get to play Uncle Rory. Guess that's kinda the point, though. Rory continues to fiddle with the coffee machine as Xander greets a knotty-skinned guy who must be one of Anya's guests. An obviously human woman and child stare at Knotty Guy as he looks in the fridge. Rory fakes being electrocuted by the coffee machine, and Knotty Guy offers to take a look it, as the little girl in the background puffs on her asthma inhaler. Go, little sister! I feel your constricted bronchial tubes. I hope we're not supposed to think she's hateful like the rest of Xander's family just because she has asthma. I'd have to take offense at that. Knotty Guy's name is Krelvin. As he looks at the coffeemaker, the door opens, and Xander's mother and father enter. Without saying hello, Xander's dad roughly chides him for not being ready, and his mother instantly starts nagging, "Look at my hair! Of course, I suppose it doesn't really matter because I won't actually be in any of the pictures." As if this is a complaint he has heard many times before, Xander assures her that she will be in the pictures. Mr. Harris ignores this exchange and instead starts staring at Krelvin, finally asking if Krelvin is "one of hers." Xander tries to make nice, reminding his father that he met Krelvin at the rehearsal dinner. "Yeah, we met," chimes in Krelvin. "You said I resembled your mother-in-law, and then you hit me with a cocktail wiener and then you insulted my heritage." Sounds like trouble. Mr. Harris isn't fazed at all, though, sneering that he "means no disrespect" and then proceeding to be, well, really disrespectful. Xander pushes his mother, who is fussing with his buttons, away and stomps off towards his bedroom. On the way, he's stopped by his cousin Carol, who wants to know what her chances are with Krelvin and who is, for some reason, wearing Xander's cuff links as her earrings. "Nothing on earth can stop this wedding now," exclaims Xander. Famous last, last words.
Dawn heads into the foyer to greet the arriving guests. The entity to arrive is D'Hoffryn, who is carrying a box pierced by many holes. "May the love we celebrate today avoid an almost inevitable decline," D'Hoffryn greets her, then tries to give the gift to Dawn. However, Dawn is distracted by the arrival of Halfrek, who is also wearing one of the screaming green bridesmaid's dresses. As we've all seen in the promo, D'Hoffryn's gift sticks a squirmy tentacle out at Dawn. D'Hoffryn and Hallie continue on inside, arguing about Hallie trying to get Dawn to make a little vengeance wish. Dawn notices Spike slumping around the lobby and hurries over to talk to him, seemingly excited to see him. Spike doesn't even greet Dawn, however, and instead just truculently says, "I want you to meet the date," gesturing towards the Goth-y chick he has on his arm. Dawn politely says hello, the date just says, "Uh huh," and Spike says "date" about five more times. Looks like that whole Spike-and-Dawn rapport is as dead as, well, Spike. He cared more about making himself look like the big man here than he did about actually talking to Dawn. Dawn wanders off.
In a large gathering room, which features a bar along one side, Clem, Cousin Carol, Mrs. Harris, Uncle Rory, and a guy with tentacles on his chin are all sharing uncomfortable conversation. Carol and Rory comment on Clem and his buddy being "circus folk," and Clem admits that "there are ancient ways." He then quickly covers with, "Clowning as an occupation grew out of the Commedia dell'Arte and ancient sports," which seems like a nice topic for conversation but only leads Rory to sneer that Xander's children shouldn't be raised in any sort of cult. As the tentacle guy gets involved in the debate, we see repeated shots of Xander's mom looking apprehensive. Mrs. Harris isn't like I thought she'd be. I thought she'd be more obviously horrible because of the time Xander called home and she had no idea who he was. But then there was the time she wanted to provide Xander and Giles with snacks, so maybe she has her good days and her bad days. Mrs. Harris finally catches a glimpse of her husband, who is hunched over the bar, knocking back drinks and laughing cynically about the "'til death do us part" section of wedding vows. He instructs the bartender to give him another drink. The old man in the overcoat (remember him?) has shown up at the wedding and works his way thought the crowd, obviously looking for someone.
Still with Buffy, Xander puts on his coat and asks for an appraisal of how he looks. Buffy compliments him, and they share a hug before heading out into the hallway. Xander runs Buffy though a list of things she's supposed to do for him, the first of which is, "Don't let [Mr. Harris] near the bar." Oops, too late for that. Dawn joins them and just can't wait to tell Buffy that Spike has come to the wedding and brought a "total skank." I dunno -- Spike's date was a little surly, but I really didn't see anything too skanky about her. ["I know! In fact, she looked a lot like my hairdresser." -- Sep] I guess we're supposed to think this random girl is a skank because she has an eyebrow piercing and doesn't have shiny, shiny monk hair like Dawn. Whatever. Dawn continues to giggle about Spike's date, but Xander, obviously with more on his mind than Spike's social calendar, heads out to talk to the wedding guests. He takes some congratulations and handshakes, and everything seems fine until his mother comes over to complain that she's been seated in the third row, instead of the first. They were seated, and then they all got back up again to mingle? Is that normal? I don't know very much about weddings. Xander tries to assure his mother that it was a mistake, and then is suddenly set upon by a multitude of people who want his attention, including the overcoat guy. The camera spins around to show how overwhelmed Xander is, and then he gets dragged aside by Overcoat Guy, who insists, "You can't get married today. It's a huge mistake." Xander's confused by this, obviously, and has no idea who Overcoat Guy is. Overcoat Guy claims, "I'm Xander Harris. I'm you." Um, sure. I know people shrink as they get older and all, so that might explain how this guy could be shorter than Xander, but could it explain why he has a much pointier nose and possibly different colored eyes? (I'm not sure on the eyes, because my television is pretty small.)
Sep: So, two references to glowing and being pregnant. Do you fear what I fear?
Ace: I can't hear you! Can'thearyouhearyouhearyou!
Sep: That's not going to work and you know it! I have infinite patience to shout over your childish babbling. Can you hear me now? Good. Because I honestly want to know: do you think Mutant Enemy is foreshadowing a pregnant-Buffy story line?
Ace: Oh, c'mon. They wouldn't, would they? [pause] Oh, God. They would. This season of Angel proves they so would.
Sep: I know. I used to trust them to not choose the horribly annoying plots, and now -- well, I can trust them to unerringly choose the horribly annoying plots.
Ace: But Spike's a vampire. He can't get Buffy pregnant, right? Oh, man, what if the whole "I'm a vampire! My seed is dead" thing is just a big scam male vampires have been perpetrating for centuries?
Sep: Shyah. It's all been a big ploy to get out of having to wear a condom.
Xander is pacing in the kitchen, worried about the recent vision of his future, when Willow comes in for their emotional sharing of A Big Life Moment. They compliment their respective hotnesses (with obligatory gay Willow reference) and then tell each other how much they love each other. This is the sole moment of this whole episode that got me sniffly. Buffy and Spike? Dry eyes. Anya's hopeful vows? Yawn of boredom. Xander leaving Anya at the end of the episode? Checking my watch to see how much longer the torture was going to last. It's really unusual for me to not react to one of these heartrending episodes of Buffy. What the hell is wrong with me? I cry at long-distance commercials! The one that uses that "Rocketman" song? I miss my wife too, Elton! And neither of us do, or ever will, even have wives. I got teary this afternoon when I paused the tape and caught a few minutes of some dumb movie in which George Clooney cuddles a small kitten and romances a prickly Michelle Pfeiffer. Kittens are always good for a sniffle with me. But maybe my lack of emotional reaction to this episode is not my problem. I mean, I don't know why I've been saying the writers have no talent at all this season. It's completely untrue. They have an unerring talent for taking any given event that should emotionally resonate and sucking the pathos right out of it. Willow asks if he's ready to go, but Xander dissembles, asking for a few minutes to work on his vows. What is this "working on the vows" thing? Granted, I'm very familiar with procrastination, but I would think that for something as important as a wedding, you might have taken a few minutes to put together a couple of words at some point before the day of the ceremony.
Cut to Anya working on her vows, with a slightly disinterested Tara sitting at the couch providing feedback. Tara wisely counsels Anya against the inclusion of "sex poodle" in her matrimony acceptance speech.
Orchestra, orchestrating.
Anya overhears the music as Buffy pokes her head in to tell Anya that it's showtime. But Buffy is suddenly pulled out into the hall by a distraught Willow, who tells her that Xander has up and left. TV weddings have ruined matrimony for me! If I ever do decide to get married, I'm going to wake my intended up in the middle of the night and smuggle him onto a plane to Vegas so he won't have the chance to leave me at the altar, or think up hokey personalized vows, or humiliate me with inappropriate family behavior. Hmm. I think that's cue for a commercial.
More hedgehogs! Animal Planet should have a half-hour show based on these Nintendo commercials. What? It would be better than hours of back-to-back America's Funniest Animals.
Willow tells Buffy that she's going to look for Xander; Buffy is assigned the unenviable task of stalling the guests and participants. First order of business is to convince Anya that the minister is also a doctor and had to "perform an emergency C-section." This of course makes him "half minister and half doctor" and thus a minitor, but not a Minotaur, as he has "no bull parts whatsoever." Unlike this huge line that Buffy is feeding Anya. Anya turns back to the mirror to futz with her veil and work on her vows, and Buffy leaves to go stall the guests. Anya turns to Tara with the last version of her vows, which are very sweet and touching (or so people tell me; I haven't had the heart to sit through them again). "So I get it now. I finally get love, Xander. I really do," she finishes. Except she really actually won't, because Xander dumps her ass at the altar. As she talks about her love, sad Xander walks the streets of Sunnydale in the rain.
The guests are restless in their seats. Carol's daughter complains that she is bored. Carol snits, "It's a wedding, honey. We're all bored." Ha! Buffy rushes up the aisle, but stops in confusion as the musicians prematurely orchestrate the wedding march. She throws them a "cut it out" sign and goes up to tell the minister what the what is. Smiling broadly at the assembled, Buffy goes back down the aisle, and the stupid orchestra plays the recessional despite the fact that no wedding has, as of yet, taken place and therefore there is nothing to recess from. Mr. Harris gets up to keep the bar company, and the guests all shrug in confusion.
Anya. Pacing. Upset.
At the bar, Mr. and Mrs. Harris discuss how this is all Anya's fault. In the hall, Hallie starts to bitch to D'Hoffryn, and Carol tells Buffy that she's gotta "do something." Buffy takes her place up at the mike and asks who is from out of town. Nobody moves a muscle. Clem, noting this, enthusiastically hoists his hand high into the air! Aw. Clem's just trying to help out. I like that Clem. He's always willing to lend a loosely-skinned hand. It's funny, but I remember hating him when we were introduced. I guess he was just really drunk or something. First impressions can sometimes go awry.
Out on the porch, Dawn and a teenage demon discuss who has the most screwed-up family. It's a draw. At this point, it appears to no longer be raining; it is, in fact, very sunny. ["Pathetic fallacy bait-and-switch alert!" -- Sars]
Inside, Buffy entertains the crowd with Charades. The first word is "bull," and Buffy looks pretty cute making little bull horns with her fingers. She grins and points to whoever shouted out the correct guess.
Anya stomps resolutely down the hall with Tara running after her. Anya declares that "this bride waits for no one."
Buffy and Krelvin juggle for the crowd. The crowd applauds.
Coming in from outside, Dawn's little friend asks what's taking so long. Dawn fills him in on the Xander disappearance, just in time for Anya to round the corner and overhear, "The groom? He took off and no one can find him." "What do you mean Xander's missing?" panics Anya. Aaaaand now the whole place knows. Uncle Rory tries to insist that Xander's just playing a joke, and then segues into a story about an ape suit, but Squiddly just isn't in the mood. Mr. Harris throws down the gauntlet: "Drinking is the only way I can dull the pain of looking at your ugly face." Squiddly gets up and smacks at Pa Harris with his squiddly bits. FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! Up on the stage, Buffy rolls her eyes, then looks concerned. But not concerned enough to jump into the melee. Tara gets caught in the battle royale, although it looks more like she's just milling around than actually trapped, and Willow pulls her "to safety." They hold hands and simper. Blah. I'm really glad we got to see that instead of, say, any mention of Giles. ["Giles who? He's never going to get a mention. It's the first immutable law of departed characters, otherwise known as 'The Brenda Effect.'" -- Sep] I'm sure this whole fight concept looked amusing on paper, but it's hella dull to watch. Anya wades into the fray, asking if anyone has seen Xander. Carol points out Overcoat Oldster, saying she saw Xander speaking with him earlier. Anya makes her way over and asks Overcoat Oldster what he and Xander were talking about. "If you said something to make him leave…" she says in a vaguely threatening tone. Overcoat Oldster pronounces that Anya is "still as vindictive as ever," and she's confused that this guy seems to know her. Overcoat Oldster tells her, "He left because of you." "I didn't do anything," rebuts Anya, in genuine confusion. "Oh really?" snaps Overcoat Oldster. "What about this?" And then, as so often happens in Sunnydale, he morphs into a big demon.
Shut up, As If! Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!
Back from commercials, Overcoat Oldster breaks it down for Anya. Apparently, back in 1914, she was called to exact vengeance on him and sent him to be tortured in another dimension. "Every day I thought about how I would somehow get here and ruin your life like you ruined mine." Hold up, there. How did you get here, buddy? Does Greyhound have a Hell/Sunnydale line? And while Anya did curse you, she cursed you for being a philanderer. Granted, the punishment may not fit the crime, but don't stand there all righteous and green pretending like you were utterly blameless in the whole thing. Overcoat Oldster expositions that he frightened Xander away easily, with a "couple of phony visions." Anya breaks down in tears, and Overcoat Oldster revels in her pain. But then he decides that Anya in emotional pain isn't enough, and Anya should physically suffer as well, so he slashes at her with his claws and knocks her down to the ground. He's ready to really give her something to cry about, but -- oops! Buffy's noticed the fracas and has made her way over to defend the one getting picked on. Or, I should say, the one getting picked on who is also in the credits, because Buffy doesn't do a fat lot of anything for all the people in the huge brawl behind her.
Buffy rips the bottom of her dress to allow her more freedom of movement. Oh, don't do that, Buffy! Now you'll never be able to wear it again later. Overcoat Oldster gets Anya in a headlock, and at that moment Xander returns. Buffy deals with the demon while Anya tries to explain that it's all been a huge, wacky, Sunnydale-style misunderstanding. Xander still seems troubled. Buffy is in the midst of dispatching the demon, aided by the bridal veil from atop the stuffed bison, when Xander breaks in to administer a hearty whack with a decorative pillar. He finishes by smashing the pillar down hard on what we are to assume is the demon's head, although though the long shot shows it to be intact. "It's dead," observes Xander. "Yup," agrees Buffy. Friends and family are united in their cheers, but I feel a little strange that they just up and killed an unarmed demon, who wasn't even a very effective fighter despite being about nine feet tall. When the body doesn't do them the favor of disappearing, Willow suggests that they cover it with flowers. Heh. Mr. Harris, always with the wonderful timing, insists that he's not paying for the damages, and it's the fault of all the "FREAKS!" A rematch of the earlier brawl looks imminent, but Anya tells everyone to sit down and shut up, because it's time for the freakin' wedding.
In the foyer, Anya notices Xander's glum expression. She's ready to get married, but Xander has reservations. "I'm not ready," he confesses shakily. Anya blinks a lot and makes fish faces. "But it wasn't real," reasons Anya. Xander thinks that the fact that it could be real is what matters. Anya blinks a lot and makes fish faces. She tries to tell him that if he just calms down, they can start again. Over her shoulder, Xander sees his dad berating his mom, an ugly expression on his face. "We can't start over. If this is a mistake, it's forever. And I don't want to hurt you. Not that way," declares Xander. Anya blinks a lot and makes fish faces. I think she's supposed to be crying, but she just looks like her eyes are too big for her sockets. Xander apologizes. Anya wipes away her tears and turns around. She slowly wanders up the aisle, her pain plain on her face, as the orchestra starts up with the wedding processional. Xander -- well, Xander just takes off, because he's a crapweasel who can't even help his fiancée call off the wedding. God! Why is this happening? Why did I have to sit through all the wedding crap, and all the planning for all the wedding crap, if they aren't even going to get married? The worst part is that it could all start over at any moment. season could be wacky wedding hijinx redux, for all we know. I can't tell you what this has done to me. I get twitchy at the sight of tulle. If I go out to dinner with my friends and people don't immediately decide where they are going to sit, I have a mini-breakdown. I got an invitation to a party the other day, and I had to sit down and breathe into a paper bag calmly and slowly for five full minutes before I could even bring myself to open it, because it looked like it could be a wedding invitation. I have post-traumatic recapping syndrome, and it ain't pretty, people.
Cut to the living room of the Summers home. Willow, Buffy, and Dawn all talk about how terrible Anya must be feeling. I guess they're not with her because she wanted to be alone. Everyone is shell-shocked and mumbly, insisting that Anya and Xander seemed so in love. Buffy says, "They were supposed to be my light at the end of the tunnel. I guess they were a train." Oh, yeah, well, God forbid they not design their lives so as to prop up your fragile mental state, Buffy. My attention is distracted for the rest of this scene, because I notice Buffy is wearing a shirt that says, "I survived," with a dragon that looks similar to the one that came out of the portal in "The Gift," but I did hear Willow saying that she can't bring herself to hate Xander.
Cut to Xander checking into the Motel California. You can run from bad parenting, Xander, but you can never hide.
Cut to Anya sitting in a darkened room, head bowed, still in her wedding dress. Her expression is one of devastation, but her hair looks fabulous. D'Hoffryn hands her a tissue. They appear to be at his, uh, void. Anya says that she's tired of crying. D'Hoffryn sighs and says, "Ah, Anyanka. I'm sorry. But you let him domesticate you. It's time you got back to what you do best. Don't you think?" Anya looks up at him, poker-faced, and…fade to black.