As You Were

Buffy walks in to the kitchen and sets her bag on the counter. She slides it over to Dawn, but Dawn isn't exactly thrilled. And who could blame her? Cold, congealed fast food? Not appealing. Cold, congealed fast food that's been out patrolling in a graveyard and then in the vicinity of Spuffy sex? Especially with what appears to be your big sister's ass print on it? Even less appealing. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's endangerment of a minor. Dawn gently explains that she can't eat any more fast food. Buffy promises to bring home fish nuggets tomorrow. Willow comes in and comments on the grass stain on Buffy's coat. Willow assumes that it's from slaying vamps, but we all know it's from laying them instead. Buffy herself almost slips and gives it away, then sighs that she has to wash her coat now. Willow suggests that Buffy forget about it and go hang out at the Bronze with the gang and Dawn. Shouldn't Dawn be, y'know, grounded? Buffy tells them to go and have fun without her. They try and cajole her, but Buffy thinks that she's "had enough action for one night." After they leave, Buffy turns to a full sink of dirty dishes. Why is it that Buffy seems to be the only one capable of doing any chores? Did the gang pull a fast one on her? Maybe when she was fresh out of the grave and a little confused, they took her aside and fed her a fat pack of lies. "Buffy, you're the chosen housekeeper. Only you possess the strength needed to combat the grime and filth and evil dust bunnies of the world. This is your destiny!"

Bronze. Xanya sit at the bar and argue about the seating chart. And I can't believe I'm even saying this, but thank all that is holy that the wedding is week. Now I won't have sit through any more wedding planning "humor." Anya gets on Xander's case about his snarfing of a nearby bag of chips, saying that he won't be able to fit into his tux if he keeps it up. Jeez. Rude much? Granted, I'm not calling Xander fat, but I will say that if you mathematically calculated The Area of Xander in season six and compared it to The Area of Xander in season three, you'd probably have enough extra Xander to make a mini-Xander. I do wonder if it's Nicholas Brendon's way of making sure that he gets the maximum amount of screen exposure. "If I can't be in most scenes, then by GOD I'll be in as much of the scenes that I am in as possible." Anya snatches the bag away and begins munching herself. Xander blows a bit of a gasket, listing all the things that need to be taken care of as well as other incipient stresses, and finishes with a "and do NOT take my chips!" Xanya glare at each other. Dawn, unaware of the tension, skips up with a cheery greeting, but when they both snap at her, she goes to deliver a drink to Willow instead. Willow is in an extremely chipper mood, due to the fact that if she were to call Tara, Tara would not hang up on her. Uh. Yay?

Summers home. Basement. Kept company only by a portable radio, Buffy dabs furiously at the grass stain on her coat. Abrupt cut to the living room. It's morning, and Buffy is asleep on the couch, her coat draped over her. She's awakened by the sound of the garbage truck and races after it with the trash bags, but it's too late. Buffy walks in through the back door, having picked up yesterday's mail on the way back inside. Dawn's already in the kitchen and oh-so-helpfully reminds Buffy that it's trash day. Someone remind me why Dawn can't take out the trash? God. It's not like we ever see her DO anything other than whine and prance about. I'm sure she spends a lot of time shining her hair or something, but I'm thinking that five minutes spent hauling refuse to the street once a week wouldn't make an appreciable dent in her grooming time. Buffy gives her a look, then opens a letter from UC Sunnydale. It's a rejection notice. But it looks like her application was only rejected because she didn't get it in before the deadline. Which really shouldn't be a surprise, since the semester already started and all. Dawn asks what Buffy is reading, but Buffy doesn't want to tell her and just folds it and hides it away. Dawn kisses Buffy on her way out the door and says, "See you this afternoontonight then. Or, you know, tomorrow's cool." Maybe June? Or how's '04 looking for you? Really, anytime this decade is fine by me. Is Dawn on drugs? Last week, I spent most of the episode cringing at her babyish behavior, but this week she's the perfect little sister. What gives?

Doublemeat. Oh god, it's that annoying Todd guy. Buffy's flippin' burgers, he's nattering on about zeitgeist. Shut UP. Well, at least he seems to be working this time. He tells Buffy that it's her turn to man the registers, and she wanders up front, mechanically reciting the traditional fast-food greeting. Surprise! Her first customer is Riley! Buffy is taken aback. I guess she's not used to seeing French fries in their unprocessed form.

Back from commercials, Buffy is dazed and somewhat confused. Riley urgently tries to tell Buffy that he's on the tail of something dangerous that's just now showed up in Sunnydale. Time is of the essence, and he needs her help. Buffy is all, "My hat has a cow." And a rooster tail, sweetie. Can you tell me what sound a rooster makes? Riley sighs and apologizes for showing up out of the blue and interrupting her at work. But then he breaks it down for her: "I need the best. I need you, Buffy." Buffy considers her options for a long moment and then finally decides that gadding about with fry guy is marginally preferable. She rips her hat off of her head, grabs her coat, and rushes out.

Streets of Sunnydale. Riley again mentions how, as soon as he gets a chance, he'd love to sit a spell and catch up with Buffy, but he's interrupted by an instrument beeping. Buffy is briefly nostalgic for Riley's gadget-loving ways while Riley expositions that the Demon With Name I Can't Bother To Look Up is so dangerous because the species breeds very quickly. Buffy characterizes them as "really mean Tribbles," which cracks me up. They're interrupted by the snarl of the DWNICBTLU. Riley rushes in waving a badge and shouting that he's with the Forestry Service here to apprehend the "wild bear." Townspeople scatter in fear; I really would have liked one of them to be all, "Wild bear? Where? Did that big honkin' demon yonder EAT IT?" Riley and Buffy make a concerted attack on the DWNICBTLU, but he throws both of them aside and then jumps over a big wall. Buffy muses, "It's too fast." "I wouldn't necessarily say that," replies Riley.

Cut to a dark SUV peeling out down a deserted road. Inside, Buffy compliments his "wheels." "Came with the car," says Riley tersely. Riley punches some data into the GPS tracking system on the dashboard. He again mentions that he's got some "big stories" to tell Buffy just as soon as all the craziness calms down. "Did you die?" asks Buffy. When Riley answers in the negative, she teases, "I'm gonna win." Riley does a double-take at this but doesn't pursue it. Apparently, Buffy's Doublemeat Palace duds aren't covert enough, so he gives her a black Kevlar vest to wear. "Boys like toys," explains Riley, in response to Buffy's look. Who is this strange self-assured Riley all ready with the quips and clipped delivery? Oh! Maybe he got a personality as his aspect of the demon? Buffy coquettishly says, "You won't look?" Riley reminds her that he's a gentleman. He gets serious for a moment, telling her how good it is to see her, and then, eyes still on the road, declares, "And Buffy? Love the hair."

In another car on a totally not-deserted road, Xanya are stuck in traffic, sharing a bag of chips. Anya opines that they actually must have died on the way to the airport and are really now in hell. Xander says that the radio said there was no traffic. "It's a hell radio. Of course it says that," grumps Anya. Heh. Xander gripes about his Uncle Rory. Anya frets that if she's not there to meet some demony friends of hers who are teleporting in soon, "someone's getting incinerated." Xander wonders why they were stupid enough to invite both her friends (demons) and his family (monsters) to stay at their place. Yawn. Booooring.

Buffy and Riley exit the car and walk over to thehuge dam in Sunnydale. More pseudo-banter. Poor Buffy is flirting her little heart out. Buffy and Riley rappel down the side of the dam. Find the demon. Fight the demon. Get their asses almost handed to them. As the demon is momentarily incapacitated, Riley and Buffy almost share a moment with her leaning against the wall of the dam and Riley panting into her face. In the background, a figure in black rappels down the side also. She approaches the duo, and after briefly greeting Riley, shifts her focus to Buffy and asks, "What exactly are you doing with my husband?"

Well, dam! Ha -- see, that's a joke, because there's another shot of the huge dam, andoh, forget it. Poor Buffy breathes, "Husband?" and then, "Wife," to the two Kute Kommandos, who nod in konfirmation. There's something a little cross-eyed about Riley's wife. We suffer through a few more awkward moments before Riley finally introduces his wife as "Sam." But as so often happens in Sunnydale, there's a demon attack to break up the uncomfortable moment. Sam runs over to punch the demon (which was just throwing Riley and Buffy around like rag dolls) repeatedly with her fists (how is it possible that she's stronger than Buffy and Riley combined?). As she clobbers the demon, Riley and Buffy hang back, discussing the bombshell that just rappelled into their midst. Turns out Sam is Special Forces; she and Riley have been married four months, and Riley "meant to tell" Buffy about it. At some point. Some other point than all the points they experienced while riding in his car together and rappelling down dams, I guess. Buffy looks pretty disheartened. Sam continues to fight the demon. Riley watches her proudly and explains to Buffy that fighting demons brought him and Sam together. Hey, just like it brought Riley and Buffy together! Except that then, Buffy was a big emotional withholder and messed up the relationship and is now reduced to making quips about fast food, supporting a bunch of freeloaders, and hittin' the sheets with Dru's sloppy seconds, whereas Riley and Sam are all happily married and having a career together and shit. Seeing ex-boyfriends can be a real bitch. When the demon throws Sam down, Riley finally joins in with some sort of taser weapon. Buffy mopes by the wall for a little while and then grabs the demon and quickly breaks its neck. It's her turn to be proud, but not for long, since Mutant Enemy hates her this season and she must be humiliated at every turn. She notices that Riley and Sam look totally chagrined. Turns out Mr. and Mrs. Potatohead were on a "homing operation" and didn't want the demon killed. Another thing Riley was meaning to tell Buffy. At some point. I guess. Sam's pretty cool about it, and mocks Riley for not informing Buffy of the mission parameters. Sam talks kinda funny -- like a girl from a seventies sitcom who's from Jersey and wishes she were a boy. Like Jo from Facts of Life! Hmm, I always liked Jo the best. I'm withholding judgment on Sam for now. There's more kute banter, and after slicing open the demon, Sam says they're "too late" for something. However, the Kute Kommandos still don't bother to actually tell Buffy what the hell their mission was. They ask if she has a "safe house," and she offers her own home. They were chasing the demon, not vice-versa. The demon is dead. Wouldn't a Sunnydale coffee shop be about as safe a house as they need? Riley promises, "I'll fill you in. On everything."

Buffy, Sam, and Riley enter the Summers home. As Buffy apologizes for the house being a mess (it doesn't really look like one), Riley greets Dawn, who gives him a pretty icy reception. Xander and Willow come in from the kitchen and give Riley a handshake and hug, respectively. Riley tells Xander he'll love the married life, and as everyone heads into the living room, Willow pulls Buffy aside. With a darling glimmer of her former self, Willow whispers, "Just so you know -- I'm prepared to hate this woman any way you want." Buffy thanks her but doesn't want to seem petty; Willow assures her she can "carry the hate" for both of them. Aw. Dawn snottily asks Riley what brings him back to Sunnydale, getting in a dig about how he left without saying goodbye. A man on a mission, or something, Riley ignores the hostility and instead gives some extended exposition about the DWNICBTLU Buffy croaked at the dam. It's a vicious, almost unstoppable killer that breeds copiously and grows quickly. As Riley explains, he gets a little fussy that Dawn is hearing the (not so) gory details, and Sam annoys me by telling him Dawn's old enough to stay and then turning to Buffy for her permission. Whatever, Lt. McBossypants. The DWNICBTLU has already laid eggs somewhere in Sunnydale, and since Buffy was such a big loser and killed it, there's no way for Mr. and Mrs. Potatohead to find the nest. Sam graciously (or condescendingly -- your call) tells Buffy it's good she killed the demon, and then engages Xander in some wedding planning talk.

As Sam blathers about disposable cameras, Buffy sadly watches Riley fondle his wife's knee. She tries to direct the meeting back on track, and Mr. and Mrs. Potatohead reveal that, in some improbable way, they suspect that the demon eggs will be "sold on the black market." Apparently, some dealer named "the Doctor" is going to sell the eggs to foreign governments, who will be able to use the demons to decimate entire towns. This whole plot seems totally random. They were following the demon, rather than arriving ahead of it, which would possibly indicate that perhaps they didn't know where it was headed, yet they also know that someone in Sunnydale is waiting to take the eggs and sell them in an already established deal? And how does this Doctor person know where the demon laid the eggs? This whole demon egg plot sucks, well, eggs. And not just because I'm feeling let down after the brief peak in my interest when I heard mention of "the Doctor" and had a brief shining moment of hope that Joel Grey would be reprising his role as Doc. Sam puts her foot in it when she says, "Willow, you think you can help with a little locating spell?" Willow says she can't, then sulks, "I got addicted, the way addicts do." Sigh. Nice try, Will, but actually you got a bad storyline, the way characters in the sixth seasons of shows do. Willow flounces out of the room. Riley decides to send Buffy and Sam out together to look for the nest while he searches for the Doctor. Both Sam and Buffy seem pretty unsure about having to work together -- Buffy looks all pop-eyed, and Sam says she'll just slow down the Slayer. For some reason, her saying so changes Buffy's mind, and they all prepare to leave.

Willow. Kitchen. Sulk. Suck. Sigh. "Sigh" is just my shorthand for the complete disgust I have for the whole addiction plot. I can't even complain anymore. I just sigh. Sam clomps into the kitchen and makes a belabored attempt at "stage business" by affectedly pushing a bit of her bangs behind her ear. She apologizes for bringing up a sensitive subject and thenand thenand then she tells Willow a little story about two -- not ONE, but TWO -- shamans the Special Forces had working for them who used dark magic and became addicted. Addicted, JUST LIKE WILLOW! So, see, audience, you mock the magic addiction because you've never heard of it once in the six years the show's been on, but it EXISTS. It really, really does. Because Sam says so. And Sam is a mighty goddess, swept down from the sky, perfect in every regard. Then it gets worse. Sam continues her little exercise in plot justification by telling Willow that the magic-addicted shamans "are gone." Totally gone. Like that episode we just had, called "Gone." And she's never ever met anyone as special and wonderful and great as the great and wonderful and special Willow, who is the only person in the whole wide world who had the power to quit magic before it ate them alive. Writers trotting in tertiary characters to praise and illustrate the worth of lead characters really chaps my hide. Writers trotting in tertiary characters to praise and illustrate the worth of lead characters, while also using said tertiary characters to shore up spurious and poorly developed plot lines, makes me furious. Sam leaves the room, and Willow looks all glowy. Sigh.