Bargaining, Part II

S06E02

Summers's home. Or, well, sort of. There's only one Summers left at this point. Spike's idly watching telly while Dawn snoozes on the sofa. All of a sudden Spike hears the loud rumble of many motorcycles outside, and he goes to the window to check it out. The noise awakens Dawn too, and Spike tells her to stay away from the windows while he investigates.

Main street of Sunnydale. Demon bikers on a rampage of destruction. I should just program that into one of my function keys right now. Fathers, lock up your cars! They're bustin' windows and setting things on fire all over the place.

And may I just say that it's really a bit odd to be dropped right into an episode of Buffy already in full swing? I'm used to having some plot development and such to get me warmed up. A girl needs a little rising action, if you know what I mean, and -- the hell? I don't mean it like THAT. See what happens when you don't warm up before recapping? Anyway, more pillaging. Buffybot comes across the demons breaking into a display window and taking out something that looks like it could be a board game. You know how it is -- after a long hard night of raiding and looting, sometimes all you want to do is have a little mindless Hungry Hungry Hippos fun with your buds. "That doesn't belong to you. Put it back," instructs the Buffybot, all hands on her hips. These demon bikers aren't fooled, though, and they circle her menacingly. The lead demon confronts Buffybot. Ah. According to the shooting script, his name is Razor. I'm sure. You know he had it changed from something lame like "Erwin." When B'bot tells him to take his gang and ride their "loud bicycles" right out of town, Erwin punches her. She's caught by two of the demons, and struggles while Erwin extends his Cutco-brand switchblade claws. He slashes Buffybot's shoulder, revealing wires and red lights. Buffybot knees him in the groin and shakes off the other demons. She announces that she would love to stay and play, but she has to return to Willow because she's injured. The demons aren't letting her go without a fight, and they tussle a bit before Buffinator can run off. Erwin orders his boys to pursue her.

Cut to Buffy's grave, where Anya, Xander, and Tara watch as Willow writhes in a red field of mystical energy. The Buffybot comes running up, calling, "Willow! I need service." Heh. Way to try to attract that male demographic, UPN. All your WWF-addled regular viewers know is that the cute redhead was kissing that other girl earlier, and now the hot blonde wants to be serviced. All of a sudden the area is awash with demon bikers circling the grave on their motorcycles. One of them runs over the Urn of Osiris, causing Willow to scream and collapse as she is abruptly released from her mystical thrall. Xander rushes over to Willow and pulls her out of the way as Tara and Anya take off into the woods. A demon biker follows them and pulls Anya onto his motorcycle. Tara quickly offers a prayer to the goddess K-Martia, who hears her plea, and Anya is knocked off the bike by a blue-light special. The girls dart off.

Xander carries Willow into the thick of the woods. He sets her gently against a tree and asks if she's okay. Willow wearily mumbles, "Did it work?" and at Xander's, "I'm sorry," she slumps into unconsciousness. The camera pans across her long black satiny dress, and man, that Osiris must be a stickler for protocol or something, because when I try and raise the dead I like to be as comfortable as possible. Especially if I'm going to be horking up snakes and shit. In my book, resurrection is strictly a blue-jeans affair. You really need the freedom of movement to contort with pain that velvet and taffeta just don't provide.

Cut to the inside of Buffy's coffin. Pan up a rotted corpse, and I don't think that Buffy would be as far decomposed as that already, but I'm willing to forgive it because the reanimating effect is Capital-C Creepy. Pardon me for saying so, but Buffy is pretty stacked for a desiccated corpse. Buffy gasps and looks around in terror. Man. That was the scariest thing we've seen in a long time. Those few seconds were more disturbing than the entire Glory arc managed to be in twenty-two episodes last season. But that's not saying much, is it? The only truly disturbing thing about Glory was seeing Ben in a dress.

Commercials. Usually I skip right over 'em, but I'm interested in seeing what the UPN has to offer. So apparently The Partnership for a Drug-Free America wants us to know that we don't need to use drugs to be cool. Slogan: "Family: my anti-drug." Please! Who writes this crap? More like "Family: my gateway drug."

Buffybot is dangerously close to a systems failure. I know you're all on the edge of your seats over that one. Demon Biker backhands her with a pile of chains.

Tara and Anya meet up with Xander and Willow. Tara immediately rushes to comfort Willow. Xander asks Tara what the heck was up with the reptile regurgitation, but Anya whispers one of the only lines of hers this episode that doesn't get on my nerves: "Less talk. More running away." Xander suggests that they split up. Tara wants to take Willow, but Xander overrides that decision since he's strong enough to carry her. He promises to keep Willow safe, and they agree to meet up at Der Zauber Kasten.

Back to Buffybot. The bikers are circled around her, kicking the crap out of her. In the foreground is Buffy's tombstone. Underground Buffy is starting to panic. She bangs on the sides and the lid of the coffin and tries to scream, but only a thin, hoarse cry escapes. Frantically she claws at the lining of the coffin.

Xander sets Willow down to take a little rest. Willow stirs, and Xander shushes her, warning her to keep quiet. Willow slowly remembers the demons and agitatedly says that they have to go back and help Buffy. Xander nixes it. "We have to finish," pleads Willow emphatically. Xander breaks the news to her that the "Urn of Cirrhosis" was broken. No big -- I personally have several Urns of Cirrhosis in my possession. I usually label them as to their contents, like "tequila," so as not to confuse people, but call them whatever you like, Xander. Willow corrects him that they need the "Urn of Osiris," and I guess I can't really help with that one. At Xander's mention of the general brokenness of the urn, Willow becomes distraught. Her voice cracks as she says, "Buffy's gone. She's really gone." Her body is wracked with sobs as Xander cradles her head against his shoulder. You know, that might have actually gotten a sniffle out of me if the order of the last two scenes had been reversed and we hadn't just seen Buffy being reanimated. It's called suspense, people. Look it up.

Somewhere in the woods, Anya is running, trying to avoid the demon bikers, who judging from the voices off-screen are really close to her. She passes by a big rock, and suddenly Tara pulls her to the ground to share her hiding place. Anya protests, but Tara clamps her hand over Anya's mouth. I pause to enjoy the moment, and to allow myself a small fantasy involving Anya being unable to speak for an entire episode. It's one of the few things I didn't truly appreciate about "Hush" the first time around. A duo of bikers walks into the frame. They're arguing about having to recon for strays while the other boys are busy carousing and looting. Anya and Tara hunker down behind the rock, terrified. After a moment, the demons decide to "screw this" and go raise a ruckus with their brethren. Ah. Saved by the power of slack. Anya worries about the potential looting of Der Zauber Kasten. "You don't think they'll cause a lot of damage, do you?" she inquires anxiously of Tara. Right. Of course not. Demons are well known for not wanting to get their pretty frilly dresses and patent-leather Sunday-school shoes dirty. Twit.

By Sep

Announcer Guy: "You're watching Buffy on UPN."
Sep: "Don't fucking remind me."

Buffy stands up and turns; the first thing she sees is her headstone. She stares at it with such shock, horror, and revulsion that I'm wondering if there's a mirror on the front that's reflecting her outfit.

Buffy walks through a burning Sunnydale. We get a shot from Vaseline Cam to show us that Buffy is Disturbed And Disoriented. She passes a burned-out police car, so I guess at least some of the cops in Sunnydale showed up to try to fight the demon menace. Fire. Destruction. Chaos.

Anya and Tara arrive at a dark Zauber Kasten. They hear noises from outside and look out the window to see, uh, looting. The girls worry about Willow and Xander, and I just don't care. Tara thinks that they might have gotten turned around in the woods, and clears off a table to sit on and do a little spell thingy.

Woods. Xander and Willow stumble around lost, because the North Star that Xander has been navigating by is actually a blimp. Willow is tired and needs to rest, because the spell "took a lot out of" her. Xander calls her on it and demands to know what sort of dark mojo they were messing with. Willow brushes off his question, saying they have bigger demon-shaped problems to worry about. "There's something you don't see everyday," quips Xander, "unless you're us." Heh. It's all in the delivery. At that moment, Willow notices a blue light rushing towards them. Xander is worried about the nature of the light and warns Willow to stay behind him. Y'know, I must say that while this episode is about forty-five minutes of filler, I am appreciating the way that the writers aren't making Xander a total wuss anymore. I guess they have to have at least one man now that Giles has left and Spike has become a housewife. The blue light rushes Xander, who freaks out (hey, the butt-monkey removal procedure takes time) and swats at the tiny, bobbing glow as Willow tries to tell him that it's really Tara come to lead them home.

Buffy wanders the streets of Sunnydale, disoriented. Her hair is waaaay longer and waaaay darker than it was in "The Gift," and much too clean for her to have just dug out of her own grave. I guess Willow used the lesser known "resurrection and a creme rinse" spell. Buffy accidentally sets off a car alarm, and the owner of the house comes out on the porch and brandishes a shotgun at her. Geez! Buffy stands dumbly for a moment before skittering away.

Spike and Dawn hide in some bushes at the side of the house. Spike watches the demons break into the house door and gets a little smile on his face. In response to Dawn's query, he mentions that it "looks like fun." Yes. Fun. Go with that, Spike. Go have fun. Kill indiscriminately. Please. Spike realizes that they aren't going to be able to get away without transportation. He spies a football helmet, which he tosses to Dawn. Spike strides out to the middle of the street and stands stock still as a demon biker bears down on him. At the last second, Spike drop kicks the demon off of his bike and calls, "Let's fly, pigeon," to Dawn. They ride off into the chaos. Um. Why didn't they just take Joyce's SUV? I imagine it'd be much safer to run over bikers with a few tons of steel surrounding you. Maybe they had to sell it to pay for the multiple funerals last year or something.

There's a knock at the back door of Der Zauber Kasten. Anya tells whoever it is to go away because they've "already been looted," but it's Xander and Willow. Huggy reunions all around. Everyone wonders where Dawn and Spike are. Xander postulates that they're on their way to Der Zauber Kasten because "this place is NORAD and we're at DefCon One." In response to the bevy of blank looks, Xander snits that he "so need[s] male friends." Hey! Cram it, Xander. I got your little WarGames reference, and for the record I'm more of a guy than you've been for the past two seasons. Willow wants to go look for Dawn and Spike, but Anya doesn't because they are all a bunch of weak mortals. Anya takes about three minutes to say, "We need Buffy." Blah blah blah. Willow tries to rally the troops, but Xander hopes that the demons will get tired and move on. Just like I want to. This is so boring!

Demon bikers. Raising hell. I haven't seen this much havoc wreaked since aught three. "Say hello to your new home, boys," says Erwin to the group as they're assembled around a burning car. "We got ourselves a juicy little burg here, just ripe for the pickin'." Which sort of brings up one of my big problems with these demon bikers. The Slayer was the only thing keeping them out of Sunnydale so obviously they were aware of her existence. The. Slayer. Just the one. So in reality, the only places that are off-limits for them are the larger cities. So why are they acting like some game-show contestants on a sixty-second shopping spree when they could be busy with pretty much any other town in the US of A that doesn't have a Slayer? Which at last count was all of them. Maybe more. Anyway, Buffy approaches from afar, drawn like a moth to a flame. Erwin loads and then aims a revolver in the air and says, "Gentlemen, start your engines." It's so nice to see rampaging and pillaging hordes of demons demonstrating gun safety. Whatever. Engines rev, and we see that there are chains attached to the back of the motorcycles. Chains that correspond to those wrapped around the Buffybot's arms and legs. By this time Buffy is close enough to take all of this in, but none of the demons seem to notice her. Erwin lets a shot fly, the motorcycles take off in different directions, and the Buffybot is neatly quartered. Ew. That was disturbing. Buffy seems to think so as well, and her scream draws the demons' attention.

Round Table commercial, in which a man demonstrates how to eat pizza to a scout troop. Apparently, UPN's demographic consists of people who need instruction on the consumption of fast food. UPN -- proudly providing valuable remedial life skills for the terminally dim.

Buffy runs down the street. Bikers pursue her from opposite directions. As they pass each other, Buffy dives down, and the chains meant to wrap around her neck accidentally catch the bikers. They're both pulled off their bikes, mumbling growly "sorry"s at each other, which never fails to crack me up. They may be part of a demon biker gang, but they know that common courtesy is the glue that holds their fragile society together. I wonder if people on the other side of the globe can tell that I'm rolling my eyes here?

The gang is on patrol on the streets of Sunnydale. Willow is blaming herself for the failure of the spell. Tara tries to reassure Willow that maybe the interruption was fate intervening in something that was never meant to be.

Buffy, still fleeing from the bikers, hops over a chain link fence.

Alleyway. Anya is pressuring Xander to announce their engagement now. Xander dissembles. Probably because he too knows that it's a BAD IDEA. And Xander? Button up your damn shirt. You are not a Backstreet Boy. Suddenly, Buffy drops down right in front of the gang. At first Tara thinks it's the 'bot but Willow recognizes it as Buffy. Buffy turns tail and runs into a blind alleyway. As the gang approaches her, Buffy is crouched and huddled at the base of a brick wall. Willow tries to engage Buffy in conversation, but she's unresponsive. Tara notices the blood on Buffy's hands and how filthy she is. Xander puts two and two together, realizing that the resurrection spell worked and left her buried underground. Xander calls them "stupid," so thankfully I don't have to. In fact, his acting is spot-on in this scene. Xander crouches down and apologizes to her, but Buffy just cowers. They're interrupted by the demon bikers. Demon confront! Xander talks the talk while Tara casts some sort of flame spell that looks like it singes the guy's beard a bit. Erwin observes that there's a "witch in the mix." Xander stands firm: "I happen to be a very powerful man-witch myself." Hee! Erwin isn't backing down. See, we're supposed to think he's scary because he has a tattoo on his forehead and multiple piercings. Yeah. Maybe that's considered risqué in Iowa or something, but I live in San Francisco. My grocer has more body art than that. Willow warns him that he doesn't want "this kind" of trouble, but Erwin backhands her, then sends Xander flying. He's not interested in killing them, just having a little fun, but he does mention "anatomical incompatibilities that tend to tear up little girls." Um. Okay. I didn't think anything in this episode would squick me out more than the sight of Buffy disinterring herself, but this manages to do it. Erwin asks who's going to be first, and on cue Buffy steps forward, instinctually drawn to the violence. He punches her once. She takes it, and turns to face him with a bloody lip and a hard look. They fight. Buffy takes on most of the demons while Willow busies herself with the crossbow. Eventually the demons surround Buffy, and they're just BEATING on her with metal baseball bats, and this is all very distressing and I'm not sure that I'm really enjoying it. In fact, I'm really sure that I'm not enjoying it. Fortunately, Buffy thinks that she's had enough too and starts kicking some ass.

Spike and Dawn on a bike! Dawn notices something on the ground, and Spike pulls over to check it out. They find the mutilated Buffybot. Spike at first tries to hide the carnage from Dawn, but when that fails, he reassures her that "it's just a machine." Dawn bends down to close Buffybot's eyes, but the 'bot turns her head towards her and babbles, "Where did I go? I was here. Then I ran away. No. Not me, the other Buffy." Dawn perks up at this, quickly realizing that Buffy has come back from the grave, and runs off. Spike, who has been picking up bits o' 'bot, muses that "the robot's done." He looks around when he doesn't get an answer and calls out, "Little Bit?"

Dawn runs. See Dawn run.

Buffy fights. Fight, Buffy, fight.

Sep fights too. Fights to stay awake.

After the demons have been dispatched, a relieved Xander announces that Buffy's "herself again." But as soon as Xander takes a step towards her, Buffy jerks backwards and stops him with a frightened look. She runs off. The gang wonders if they should follow her. Xander postulates that she just needs a little time, but he doesn't sound too convinced. Suddenly Erwin's red eyes open and he extends his Ginsu claws.

Anya notices Erwin about to spear Xander from behind, and she pushes him out of the way. Xander falls on his patootie and then crab-crawls backward. Erwin takes a swipe at him, but Xander manages to barely deflect his blow with a trashcan lid. You know those Ginsu knives -- they can cut right through cans! And they never need sharpening.

Buffy. Alley. Demon. Wrong place. Dead demon. So. In the distance, Buffy sees The Pylon Of Perdition, The Minaret Of Malevolence, The Tower Of Terror, The Pillar Of Purgatory rising into the sky in all its dilapidated glory.

Now it's Anya's turn with Erwin, who is remarkably still slightly alive. She and Willow and Tara all surround him and whale on him. Willow casts a little spell to conjure some goo, which she then throws at Erwin. It gloms onto his mouth and nose, suffocating him.

Dawn. Running. Comes across the freshly-slayed demon. She too sees the tower and realizes that Buffy must be headed there.

Alley. Erwin. Still going. Pulls the goo off of his face. Xander gets knocked over. Anya gets knocked over. Erwin grabs Tara, and Willow throws another spell at him that shatters his Ginsu claws. He strides over and grabs Willow by her throat, lifting her high above his head and slowly throttling her. Until he collapses from Tara's axe embedded in his back. Finally! Erwin was like the Energizer Bunny demon. Hey, where's Spike? Everyone else managed to find themselves in the same blind alleyway. Contrivance is burning the midnight oil tonight.

Devil's Derrick. Buffy stands at the top, looking down, as the events of "The Gift" play back in her mind. Man. That episode was a masterpiece compared to this one. Especially the score, which we get a welcome reprise of here. Buffy mouths the words, "Dawnie I have to." But her concentration is blown when real-life Dawn calls out from behind her, "Buffy." Buffy turns around to see Dawn. "Buffy? How?" Buffy looks confused again. Dawn is all happy to see her sister. The tower creaks and sways. Buffy turns around and contemplates jumping. Dawn screeches at her to stop and implores Buffy to "walk to [her]," but she doesn't seem to be reaching Buffy. Dawn tries again, reminding her of their close sisterly bond, as the tower creaks and sways even more ominously. Buffy turns to Dawn and asks, "Is this hell?" Damn. That's the sound of my little heart breaking. Dawn looks horrified and tries to tell Buffy that they have to get down off the tower. Dawn is practically in tears as she says she's been trying so hard to be strong the way that Buffy asked her to be, but that Dawn "need[s] her to live." None of this seems to be affecting Buffy until the tower starts to collapse, and it's seeing Dawn in actual physical danger that finally spurs Buffy to action. She's going purely on Slayer instinct. Buffy grabs Dawn and leaps for a steel cable attached to a pulley. The cable races through the pulley, barely slowing their descent. The bolts attaching it to the tower begin to pop off, and the girls plummet to the ground, Dawn landing on Buffy. Buffy opens her eyes to see the platform crashing down towards them at a speed of 9.8 meters per second per second, and she rolls them both out of the way. The camera zooms out, and the entire tower collapses. Y'know, I don't really want to be writing any sentences that contain the words "tower" and "collapses" in them right now, if it's all the same. Buffy and Dawn are safe. Dawn takes a long searching look at Buffy, and with tears in her eyes throws her arms around her newly revived sister. "You're alive and you're home. You're home," she murmurs into Buffy's hair, crying tears of joy. Over Dawn's shoulder, Buffy's face is expressionless.

By Sep

Buffy, still fleeing from the bikers, hops over a chain link fence.

By Sep

Dawn runs. See Dawn run.

Buffy fights. Fight, Buffy, fight.

Sep fights too. Fights to stay awake.

Dawn. Running. Comes across the freshly-slayed demon. She too sees the tower and realizes that Buffy must be headed there.

By Sep