“ You know how it is -- after a long hard night of raiding and looting, sometimes all you want to do is have a little mindless Hungry Hungry Hippos fun with your buds. ”
Summers's home. Or, well, sort of. There's only one Summers left at this point. Spike's idly watching telly while Dawn snoozes on the sofa. All of a sudden Spike hears the loud rumble of many motorcycles outside, and he goes to the window to check it out. The noise awakens Dawn too, and Spike tells her to stay away from the windows while he investigates.
Main street of Sunnydale. Demon bikers on a rampage of destruction. I should just program that into one of my function keys right now. Fathers, lock up your cars! They're bustin' windows and setting things on fire all over the place.
And may I just say that it's really a bit odd to be dropped right into an episode of Buffy already in full swing? I'm used to having some plot development and such to get me warmed up. A girl needs a little rising action, if you know what I mean, and -- the hell? I don't mean it like THAT. See what happens when you don't warm up before recapping? Anyway, more pillaging. Buffybot comes across the demons breaking into a display window and taking out something that looks like it could be a board game. You know how it is -- after a long hard night of raiding and looting, sometimes all you want to do is have a little mindless Hungry Hungry Hippos fun with your buds. "That doesn't belong to you. Put it back," instructs the Buffybot, all hands on her hips. These demon bikers aren't fooled, though, and they circle her menacingly. The lead demon confronts Buffybot. Ah. According to the shooting script, his name is Razor. I'm sure. You know he had it changed from something lame like "Erwin." When B'bot tells him to take his gang and ride their "loud bicycles" right out of town, Erwin punches her. She's caught by two of the demons, and struggles while Erwin extends his Cutco-brand switchblade claws. He slashes Buffybot's shoulder, revealing wires and red lights. Buffybot knees him in the groin and shakes off the other demons. She announces that she would love to stay and play, but she has to return to Willow because she's injured. The demons aren't letting her go without a fight, and they tussle a bit before Buffinator can run off. Erwin orders his boys to pursue her.
Cut to Buffy's grave, where Anya, Xander, and Tara watch as Willow writhes in a red field of mystical energy. The Buffybot comes running up, calling, "Willow! I need service." Heh. Way to try to attract that male demographic, UPN. All your WWF-addled regular viewers know is that the cute redhead was kissing that other girl earlier, and now the hot blonde wants to be serviced. All of a sudden the area is awash with demon bikers circling the grave on their motorcycles. One of them runs over the Urn of Osiris, causing Willow to scream and collapse as she is abruptly released from her mystical thrall. Xander rushes over to Willow and pulls her out of the way as Tara and Anya take off into the woods. A demon biker follows them and pulls Anya onto his motorcycle. Tara quickly offers a prayer to the goddess K-Martia, who hears her plea, and Anya is knocked off the bike by a blue-light special. The girls dart off.
“ 'Buffy's gone. She's really gone.' Her body is wracked with sobs as Xander cradles her head against his shoulder. You know, that might have actually gotten a sniffle out of me if the order of the last two scenes had been reversed and we hadn't just seen Buffy being reanimated. It's called suspense, people. Look it up. ”
Xander carries Willow into the thick of the woods. He sets her gently against a tree and asks if she's okay. Willow wearily mumbles, "Did it work?" and at Xander's, "I'm sorry," she slumps into unconsciousness. The camera pans across her long black satiny dress, and man, that Osiris must be a stickler for protocol or something, because when I try and raise the dead I like to be as comfortable as possible. Especially if I'm going to be horking up snakes and shit. In my book, resurrection is strictly a blue-jeans affair. You really need the freedom of movement to contort with pain that velvet and taffeta just don't provide.
Cut to the inside of Buffy's coffin. Pan up a rotted corpse, and I don't think that Buffy would be as far decomposed as that already, but I'm willing to forgive it because the reanimating effect is Capital-C Creepy. Pardon me for saying so, but Buffy is pretty stacked for a desiccated corpse. Buffy gasps and looks around in terror. Man. That was the scariest thing we've seen in a long time. Those few seconds were more disturbing than the entire Glory arc managed to be in twenty-two episodes last season. But that's not saying much, is it? The only truly disturbing thing about Glory was seeing Ben in a dress.
Commercials. Usually I skip right over 'em, but I'm interested in seeing what the UPN has to offer. So apparently The Partnership for a Drug-Free America wants us to know that we don't need to use drugs to be cool. Slogan: "Family: my anti-drug." Please! Who writes this crap? More like "Family: my gateway drug."
Buffybot is dangerously close to a systems failure. I know you're all on the edge of your seats over that one. Demon Biker backhands her with a pile of chains.
Tara and Anya meet up with Xander and Willow. Tara immediately rushes to comfort Willow. Xander asks Tara what the heck was up with the reptile regurgitation, but Anya whispers one of the only lines of hers this episode that doesn't get on my nerves: "Less talk. More running away." Xander suggests that they split up. Tara wants to take Willow, but Xander overrides that decision since he's strong enough to carry her. He promises to keep Willow safe, and they agree to meet up at Der Zauber Kasten.
Back to Buffybot. The bikers are circled around her, kicking the crap out of her. In the foreground is Buffy's tombstone. Underground Buffy is starting to panic. She bangs on the sides and the lid of the coffin and tries to scream, but only a thin, hoarse cry escapes. Frantically she claws at the lining of the coffin.
Xander sets Willow down to take a little rest. Willow stirs, and Xander shushes her, warning her to keep quiet. Willow slowly remembers the demons and agitatedly says that they have to go back and help Buffy. Xander nixes it. "We have to finish," pleads Willow emphatically. Xander breaks the news to her that the "Urn of Cirrhosis" was broken. No big -- I personally have several Urns of Cirrhosis in my possession. I usually label them as to their contents, like "tequila," so as not to confuse people, but call them whatever you like, Xander. Willow corrects him that they need the "Urn of Osiris," and I guess I can't really help with that one. At Xander's mention of the general brokenness of the urn, Willow becomes distraught. Her voice cracks as she says, "Buffy's gone. She's really gone." Her body is wracked with sobs as Xander cradles her head against his shoulder. You know, that might have actually gotten a sniffle out of me if the order of the last two scenes had been reversed and we hadn't just seen Buffy being reanimated. It's called suspense, people. Look it up.
Bargaining, Part Two
“ 'You don't think they'll cause a lot of damage, do you?' she inquires anxiously of Tara. Right. Of course not. Demons are well known for not wanting to get their pretty frilly dresses and patent-leather Sunday-school shoes dirty. Twit. ”
Somewhere in the woods, Anya is running, trying to avoid the demon bikers, who judging from the voices off-screen are really close to her. She passes by a big rock, and suddenly Tara pulls her to the ground to share her hiding place. Anya protests, but Tara clamps her hand over Anya's mouth. I pause to enjoy the moment, and to allow myself a small fantasy involving Anya being unable to speak for an entire episode. It's one of the few things I didn't truly appreciate about "Hush" the first time around. A duo of bikers walks into the frame. They're arguing about having to recon for strays while the other boys are busy carousing and looting. Anya and Tara hunker down behind the rock, terrified. After a moment, the demons decide to "screw this" and go raise a ruckus with their brethren. Ah. Saved by the power of slack. Anya worries about the potential looting of Der Zauber Kasten. "You don't think they'll cause a lot of damage, do you?" she inquires anxiously of Tara. Right. Of course not. Demons are well known for not wanting to get their pretty frilly dresses and patent-leather Sunday-school shoes dirty. Twit.
Demons. Bashing. Carousing. The Summers's mailbox takes a hit. Dawn peers out the living room window while Spike mutters about the lack of useful weaponry in the house. Well! I seem to remember that trunk being chock-a-block with weapons during "The Gift." This is what you get when you don't put things back where they belong! Spike notices Dawn hanging out by the window and pulls her away, threatening to "thump" her. Dawn wants to know who the demon bikers are; Spike explains that they're a roving gang that targets "anyplace they think is vulnerable." As he says those words, something seems to occur to him; he grabs Dawn by the hand and leads her to the door. Dawn doesn't want to leave, protesting that they have to "wait for the others. And Buffy [beat] bot." Aw. Poor Dawnie. Having to live with an anthropomorphic sandwich maker-slash-demon fighter that looks like your dead sister must be pretty hard to deal with. Spike gives Dawn a little pep talk, and they take off. I might spend more time on it if I weren't completely disgusted with the Spike-as-sitter storyline. Remember when Spike used to have an all-access pass to evil? Yeah. Me too. Now he's got an all-access pass to the fridge and as much cable TV he can stomach. Yawn.
Buffy's grave. A hand breaks through the soil, and Buffy claws her way free. Eesh. Just take a minute to imagine the logistics of digging your way out of a grave. How do you manage to break through the coffin lid despite the tons of dirt pressing down on it? Where does all the misplaced dirt from your tunnel go? How do you keep the sides of it from collapsing? How do you breathe without clogging your lungs with dirt? How do you STAY SANE while you claw through SIX FEET of cold, hard earth? Okay. I'm done creeping myself out now. I think the reason this disturbs me so much is that it awakens my latent fear of earthquakes. Which isn't a fear of the earthquake itself as much as a fear of getting trapped under rubble from the building that has just collapsed on me and then having to gnaw my own leg off while waiting for people to realize that I'm missing. I was recently discussing this with a friend of mine, who essentially said, "Well, when life gives you lemons" I was all, "The hell? My last few pain-filled hours on this earth are not going to be spent making the best of a bad situation. 'Well, I may be impaled by rebar through my right kidney, but at least I still have one eye to watch out for rescuers!'" But anyway. You guys are here to read about this here episode of Buffy, not my personal phobias. Speaking of the episode, here we go: Buffy looks around confusedly.
“ I guess they have to have at least one man now that Giles has left and Spike has become a housewife. ”
Commercials.
Announcer Guy: "You're watching Buffy on UPN."
Sep: "Don't fucking remind me."
Buffy stands up and turns; the first thing she sees is her headstone. She stares at it with such shock, horror, and revulsion that I'm wondering if there's a mirror on the front that's reflecting her outfit.
Buffy walks through a burning Sunnydale. We get a shot from Vaseline Cam to show us that Buffy is Disturbed And Disoriented. She passes a burned-out police car, so I guess at least some of the cops in Sunnydale showed up to try to fight the demon menace. Fire. Destruction. Chaos.
Anya and Tara arrive at a dark Zauber Kasten. They hear noises from outside and look out the window to see, uh, looting. The girls worry about Willow and Xander, and I just don't care. Tara thinks that they might have gotten turned around in the woods, and clears off a table to sit on and do a little spell thingy.
Woods. Xander and Willow stumble around lost, because the North Star that Xander has been navigating by is actually a blimp. Willow is tired and needs to rest, because the spell "took a lot out of" her. Xander calls her on it and demands to know what sort of dark mojo they were messing with. Willow brushes off his question, saying they have bigger demon-shaped problems to worry about. "There's something you don't see everyday," quips Xander, "unless you're us." Heh. It's all in the delivery. At that moment, Willow notices a blue light rushing towards them. Xander is worried about the nature of the light and warns Willow to stay behind him. Y'know, I must say that while this episode is about forty-five minutes of filler, I am appreciating the way that the writers aren't making Xander a total wuss anymore. I guess they have to have at least one man now that Giles has left and Spike has become a housewife. The blue light rushes Xander, who freaks out (hey, the butt-monkey removal procedure takes time) and swats at the tiny, bobbing glow as Willow tries to tell him that it's really Tara come to lead them home.
Buffy wanders the streets of Sunnydale, disoriented. Her hair is waaaay longer and waaaay darker than it was in "The Gift," and much too clean for her to have just dug out of her own grave. I guess Willow used the lesser known "resurrection and a creme rinse" spell. Buffy accidentally sets off a car alarm, and the owner of the house comes out on the porch and brandishes a shotgun at her. Geez! Buffy stands dumbly for a moment before skittering away.