Shadow

First of all, the majorest, maddest of props go to Eloquent Pelican.

I have a feeling that most of the recaps are going to be including a sticker with, "Now with 50 percent less snark!" in an annoying fluorescent starburst. Sad stuff, people. Joyce has a brain tumor. They're not exactly giving me good material. Sure, I could take the "Joyce climbed up a tree and said, 'Hey, look at me!' Nobody answered. Because she has cancer" tack, but it just seems disrespectful.

Previouslys. The Abimbomination pitches a fit about the key. The dying monk tells Buffy the key is with her. Buffy strokes Dawn's hair. Then all of the sudden someone wakes Anthony Stewart Head up and he jumps in with the "Previously on Buffy" voice-over. Riley tells Xander that Buffy doesn't love him and gets approached by vamp Sandy. And once again, Spike dreams he and Buffy are naked and going at it, because really, what show aimed at teenagers would be complete without a weekly opening repetition of fantasy sex between the undead and the main character? Buffy's mom is going to the hospital for sex, er, I mean testing. Buffy has sex -- dammit! -- I mean, she puts her head in her hands sadly. What is this show doing to me?

At the hospital, Joyce is getting her "CAT scan," although the machine looks to me more like a MRI set-up. And from a tiny bit of research I did, I think an MRI would actually be more appropriate for diagnosing problems with soft tissue such as the brain. Inside the machine, we look down on Joyce's face as she slowly closes her eyes. A long shot of the room and "CAT scan" machine; the room has vaulted ceilings and appears oddly uncluttered, as if the set dressers forgot to set out the "medical stuff" on the set. Joyce really, really does look like a younger Susan Sarandon. She stares upwards and swallows sadly. That's my reading, and I'm sticking with it.

In the waiting area, Dawn fiddles with her bracelets and then takes a generic cola that Buffy brings her. Dawn starts to annoy Buffy by asking questions she can't answer about why CAT scans are called "CAT scans" and so on. Buffy starts to get snappy, but then realizes her not-sister is very scared. Oog, I hope Greasy Intern Ben doesn't crop up in the first two minutes of the episode to fulfill his role as narrator of all things medical. Looks like we'll be spared his oleaginous presence, though, because Buffy just cuddles Dawn and does her hair stroking thing. Methinks SMG needs to work with her acting coach on a new shorthand for "pseudo-sisterly affection."

"Your one-stop spot to shop for all your occult needs," reads Tara, checking out Giles's ad for the Magic Box in the new Sunnydale yellow pages. Tara's hair is a medium reddish brown this week, and her demeanor seems changed -- less stuttery. The door to the Magic Shop opens and Joe Namath enters. Oops, my bad, that's actually Anya, in a flowered dress with shoulder pads Joan Crawford would have rejected as excessive. Willow, in super-tight crushed velvet jeans, and Xander follow behind Anya, discussing the fact that Riley ditched them on patrol the night before. Xander seems most bothered by the situation, and explains to Giles that they were supposed to meet Riley that morning to clear out some vampires. When they got there, however, they discovered that Riley had already made an appearance. "Tomb go boom," explains Willow succinctly. Giles seems quite unconcerned, dismissing Riley's action as "rather reckless." He's more interested in getting the gang to continue researching the Abimbomination. Xander gripes about the difficulty of researching something they've never seen, and Anya conspiratorially tells him to just "flip through the pages and look busy." I believe that's also the philosophy followed by whoever is writing plots and dialogue for the Scoobies this season. Willow wishes they knew where the mysterious opponent's hideout is, and Xander suggests, "Some sewer, or condemned church or rat-infested warehouse. You know, the usual haunts."

But of course the Scoobies are a bunch of morons this season, so we immediately see that the Abimbomination is spending her days not in a sewer but in an expensive-looking hotel room or apartment, decorated Euro-trash circa 1996. Hey, I wonder if she's staying at the Bel Age? As the nameless one lounges on the bed trying on shoes, a craggy little obsequious demon monk is giving her a sales pitch on some sort of "dark spell." After he refers to her as "most tingly and wonderful Glorificus" she instructs him, "Please, call me Glory," and a shout of happiness rises from the west coast as Ace and I finally get a name for this character. Her non-menacing, non-threatening brand of villainy is hardly worth typing "Abimbomination" over and over. Maybe now I can finally get Janet Jackson's "Rhythm Nation," with "Abimbomination" substituted in the chorus, out of my head. Please. Make it stop. Glory, I can work with that. Think how many things rhyme -- borey, snorey. But, on with the recap. The scabby monk continues about how the spell has been lost for centuries, but her "elaborate marvelousness" is really only worried that her shoe makes her ankle look too skinny or bony or something. Whatever -- and shut up, Glory. Dreg assures Glory that the spell will work, provided she has some other items, and Glory says she'll get them, ripping the ad for the Magic Box out of the yellow pages. So has she given up on driving people crazy by grabbing their heads? Maybe that was just a phase. I guess we all have to grow up sometime.

Still morning. Riley approaches the Summers home and finds the front door ajar. Inside, at the bottom of the stairs, he finds a discarded blanket. As he looks curiously around, he hears a noise from upstairs and goes to investigate. We see fuzzy pink angora and hear a deep breath. Oh good lord, it's Spike. He's in Buffy's bedroom and is sniffing her sweater. That's repulsive. Uncomfortably amusing, and repulsive. I wonder if Spike's angora fetish is anything like Ed Wood's. "That's a lovely angora sweater you have, Buffy." I mean, will we see him wearing the damn thing ? Riley bursts in and surprises Spike, who tries to hide the sweater behind his back. They face off, each demanding to know what the other is doing there, and Riley finally asks, "Were you -- were you just smelling her sweater?" in disbelief. Spike tries to deny it, but then attempts to pass off his sniffing as a "predator thing." He bundles the sweater to his face and dissembles, "That's the stuff. Slayer musk. It's bitter and aggravating. Grrrr!" Damn, Marc Blucas makes James Marsters look like a tiny, tiny man. After last week's showcase it's sad, but also amusing, to see Spike reduced to an elfin laundry-stalker. Riley's had enough; he grabs the sweater away from Spike and then drags him out of the room. Spike, ever the opportunist, manages to snag a pair of Buffy's skivvies out of a drawer on the way out. Urrgh. Riley pulls Spike downs the stairs, but before Riley can throw him out, Spike starts in on some of that psychological turd-stirring he's so fond of. He tells Riley that Buffy wouldn't mind him being there and that, in fact, she spent last night buying him drinks. Riley scoffs, so Spike further reminds him that twice recently Buffy has had the "lover Wiccas" dis-invite specific vamps from the Summers home, but has never had Spike removed from the "guest list." Riley says it's because Spike is harmless, and Spike replies, "Takes one to know." He then runs with his advantage, telling Riley that while Buffy likes him okay, he's definitely not her type -- not "dark enough." Riley flexes his jaw and, losing his temper, manhandles Spike out the front door into the sunlight and demands, "Am I dark enough for you now?" He continues that he knows what Buffy needs, but Spike replies, "Oh yeah, that's why you're with her at the hospital right now, giving her what she needs?" Riley pulls Spike back inside and demands an explanation. Spike explains that Buffy took her mom to the hospital for tests and that Dawn went too. He turns the knife that he knows this and Riley doesn't, so Riley off-handedly tosses him out the front door. "Blanket! Blanket!" shouts Spike, and Riley kicks it after him. He slams the door and broods.

At the hospital, Buffy paces outside her mother's examination room. Riley startles her and explains that he thought she might need him. Buffy hugs him and is happy he came; she then asks him to sit with Dawn while she goes to find the results of her mother's CAT scan. Riley stares after her, then goes to find Dawn. Buffy enters the dark examination room, where Joyce and her doctor are standing in front of a light board full of x-rays. The doctor leaves, saying he needs to "check on the status of the OR," and Buffy is confused. Trying to keep up a brave front, Joyce explains that she's lucky she doesn't have to wait for her operation. Apparently, she has a "shadow" on her scan results, and the doctor wishes to perform a biopsy. Joyce and Buffy hug, and Joyce sadly tries to assure Buffy that there's no cause for concern. They each try to act strong for the other's benefit.