First of all, the majorest, maddest of props go to Eloquent Pelican.
I have a feeling that most of the recaps are going to be including a sticker with, "Now with 50 percent less snark!" in an annoying fluorescent starburst. Sad stuff, people. Joyce has a brain tumor. They're not exactly giving me good material. Sure, I could take the "Joyce climbed up a tree and said, 'Hey, look at me!' Nobody answered. Because she has cancer" tack, but it just seems disrespectful.
Previouslys. The Abimbomination pitches a fit about the key. The dying monk tells Buffy the key is with her. Buffy strokes Dawn's hair. Then all of the sudden someone wakes Anthony Stewart Head up and he jumps in with the "Previously on Buffy" voice-over. Riley tells Xander that Buffy doesn't love him and gets approached by vamp Sandy. And once again, Spike dreams he and Buffy are naked and going at it, because really, what show aimed at teenagers would be complete without a weekly opening repetition of fantasy sex between the undead and the main character? Buffy's mom is going to the hospital for sex, er, I mean testing. Buffy has sex -- dammit! -- I mean, she puts her head in her hands sadly. What is this show doing to me?
At the hospital, Joyce is getting her "CAT scan," although the machine looks to me more like a MRI set-up. And from a tiny bit of research I did, I think an MRI would actually be more appropriate for diagnosing problems with soft tissue such as the brain. Inside the machine, we look down on Joyce's face as she slowly closes her eyes. A long shot of the room and "CAT scan" machine; the room has vaulted ceilings and appears oddly uncluttered, as if the set dressers forgot to set out the "medical stuff" on the set. Joyce really, really does look like a younger Susan Sarandon. She stares upwards and swallows sadly. That's my reading, and I'm sticking with it.
In the waiting area, Dawn fiddles with her bracelets and then takes a generic cola that Buffy brings her. Dawn starts to annoy Buffy by asking questions she can't answer about why CAT scans are called "CAT scans" and so on. Buffy starts to get snappy, but then realizes her not-sister is very scared. Oog, I hope Greasy Intern Ben doesn't crop up in the first two minutes of the episode to fulfill his role as narrator of all things medical. Looks like we'll be spared his oleaginous presence, though, because Buffy just cuddles Dawn and does her hair stroking thing. Methinks SMG needs to work with her acting coach on a new shorthand for "pseudo-sisterly affection."
"Your one-stop spot to shop for all your occult needs," reads Tara, checking out Giles's ad for the Magic Box in the new Sunnydale yellow pages. Tara's hair is a medium reddish brown this week, and her demeanor seems changed -- less stuttery. The door to the Magic Shop opens and Joe Namath enters. Oops, my bad, that's actually Anya, in a flowered dress with shoulder pads Joan Crawford would have rejected as excessive. Willow, in super-tight crushed velvet jeans, and Xander follow behind Anya, discussing the fact that Riley ditched them on patrol the night before. Xander seems most bothered by the situation, and explains to Giles that they were supposed to meet Riley that morning to clear out some vampires. When they got there, however, they discovered that Riley had already made an appearance. "Tomb go boom," explains Willow succinctly. Giles seems quite unconcerned, dismissing Riley's action as "rather reckless." He's more interested in getting the gang to continue researching the Abimbomination. Xander gripes about the difficulty of researching something they've never seen, and Anya conspiratorially tells him to just "flip through the pages and look busy." I believe that's also the philosophy followed by whoever is writing plots and dialogue for the Scoobies this season. Willow wishes they knew where the mysterious opponent's hideout is, and Xander suggests, "Some sewer, or condemned church or rat-infested warehouse. You know, the usual haunts."
But of course the Scoobies are a bunch of morons this season, so we immediately see that the Abimbomination is spending her days not in a sewer but in an expensive-looking hotel room or apartment, decorated Euro-trash circa 1996. Hey, I wonder if she's staying at the Bel Age? As the nameless one lounges on the bed trying on shoes, a craggy little obsequious demon monk is giving her a sales pitch on some sort of "dark spell." After he refers to her as "most tingly and wonderful Glorificus" she instructs him, "Please, call me Glory," and a shout of happiness rises from the west coast as Ace and I finally get a name for this character. Her non-menacing, non-threatening brand of villainy is hardly worth typing "Abimbomination" over and over. Maybe now I can finally get Janet Jackson's "Rhythm Nation," with "Abimbomination" substituted in the chorus, out of my head. Please. Make it stop. Glory, I can work with that. Think how many things rhyme -- borey, snorey. But, on with the recap. The scabby monk continues about how the spell has been lost for centuries, but her "elaborate marvelousness" is really only worried that her shoe makes her ankle look too skinny or bony or something. Whatever -- and shut up, Glory. Dreg assures Glory that the spell will work, provided she has some other items, and Glory says she'll get them, ripping the ad for the Magic Box out of the yellow pages. So has she given up on driving people crazy by grabbing their heads? Maybe that was just a phase. I guess we all have to grow up sometime.
Still morning. Riley approaches the Summers home and finds the front door ajar. Inside, at the bottom of the stairs, he finds a discarded blanket. As he looks curiously around, he hears a noise from upstairs and goes to investigate. We see fuzzy pink angora and hear a deep breath. Oh good lord, it's Spike. He's in Buffy's bedroom and is sniffing her sweater. That's repulsive. Uncomfortably amusing, and repulsive. I wonder if Spike's angora fetish is anything like Ed Wood's. "That's a lovely angora sweater you have, Buffy." I mean, will we see him wearing the damn thing ? Riley bursts in and surprises Spike, who tries to hide the sweater behind his back. They face off, each demanding to know what the other is doing there, and Riley finally asks, "Were you -- were you just smelling her sweater?" in disbelief. Spike tries to deny it, but then attempts to pass off his sniffing as a "predator thing." He bundles the sweater to his face and dissembles, "That's the stuff. Slayer musk. It's bitter and aggravating. Grrrr!" Damn, Marc Blucas makes James Marsters look like a tiny, tiny man. After last week's showcase it's sad, but also amusing, to see Spike reduced to an elfin laundry-stalker. Riley's had enough; he grabs the sweater away from Spike and then drags him out of the room. Spike, ever the opportunist, manages to snag a pair of Buffy's skivvies out of a drawer on the way out. Urrgh. Riley pulls Spike downs the stairs, but before Riley can throw him out, Spike starts in on some of that psychological turd-stirring he's so fond of. He tells Riley that Buffy wouldn't mind him being there and that, in fact, she spent last night buying him drinks. Riley scoffs, so Spike further reminds him that twice recently Buffy has had the "lover Wiccas" dis-invite specific vamps from the Summers home, but has never had Spike removed from the "guest list." Riley says it's because Spike is harmless, and Spike replies, "Takes one to know." He then runs with his advantage, telling Riley that while Buffy likes him okay, he's definitely not her type -- not "dark enough." Riley flexes his jaw and, losing his temper, manhandles Spike out the front door into the sunlight and demands, "Am I dark enough for you now?" He continues that he knows what Buffy needs, but Spike replies, "Oh yeah, that's why you're with her at the hospital right now, giving her what she needs?" Riley pulls Spike back inside and demands an explanation. Spike explains that Buffy took her mom to the hospital for tests and that Dawn went too. He turns the knife that he knows this and Riley doesn't, so Riley off-handedly tosses him out the front door. "Blanket! Blanket!" shouts Spike, and Riley kicks it after him. He slams the door and broods.
At the hospital, Buffy paces outside her mother's examination room. Riley startles her and explains that he thought she might need him. Buffy hugs him and is happy he came; she then asks him to sit with Dawn while she goes to find the results of her mother's CAT scan. Riley stares after her, then goes to find Dawn. Buffy enters the dark examination room, where Joyce and her doctor are standing in front of a light board full of x-rays. The doctor leaves, saying he needs to "check on the status of the OR," and Buffy is confused. Trying to keep up a brave front, Joyce explains that she's lucky she doesn't have to wait for her operation. Apparently, she has a "shadow" on her scan results, and the doctor wishes to perform a biopsy. Joyce and Buffy hug, and Joyce sadly tries to assure Buffy that there's no cause for concern. They each try to act strong for the other's benefit.
Magic Box. Willow wonders what they're dealing with. As Giles rings up a customer, Tara suggests that Glory is perhaps not anything covered in the book they have -- perhaps she's something "so old it predates the written word." You know, I've wondered all season about the appropriateness of the Scooby gang discussing all this hush-hush stuff in the middle of a fairly busy retail establishment. Just look at how Tara's brother walked in and eavesdropped in "Family." Why, Glory could just walk in right while they're discussing her! But I'm sure that won't happen, since it's so obvious and has already been so telegraphed and all. Oh, who am I kidding? Willow reminds Giles of the Dagon sphere, and I'm honestly sad for the Scoobies that they're researching abilities have dropped to such a low point, what with neglecting to pursue this lead for weeks. Giles recalls that the Dagon sphere was supposed to repel "that which cannot be named" (right here is where I think sarcastically to myself, "Why? Because alphabet soup hadn't been invented yet? Please.") and then suggests that Glory "predates language itself." D'oh! Xander gives a "woo!" and a "hoo!" at not having to read anymore. "There's no way we can determine her moves, her habits. Where she'll turn up ," mutters Giles and turns to find Glory right behind him, holding a few items for purchase. Told ya! He doesn't suspect a thing, of course, and rings up the sale, oh-so-ironically and amusingly noting, "She could be anywhere. But if she's as powerful as Buffy says, I imagine it won't be long before she makes herself known." Poor, poor Giles, used for such a poor, poor joke. Trust no one, Giles! Forewarned is forearmed! Brevity is the soul of wit! Oops, sorry, my aphorism generator got a little carried away there.
Dawn sleeps in a chair at the hospital. Riley covers her with his coat as Buffy looks on, faintly smiling. He sits to her, and she lays her head on his shoulder but then hops right up when she sees the doctor approaching. The doc tells Buffy that her mother is resting and, at Buffy's demands, informs her that her mother has a "low-grade glioma" -- a brain tumor. He explains more, but his voice fades as the camera pulls in on Buffy's stricken face.
Back from commercial, the doctor informs Buffy that the symptoms, such as "loss of vision or appetite, lack of muscle control, mood swings," might progress quickly. The only thing the physicians can do is try to determine if the tumor is operable. Buffy wants to help, and the doctor informs her that her mother "has a real chance" even if they can't remove the tumor. Apparently, to this Dr. Doom 'n' Gloom, "a real chance" means "nearly one out of three patients with this condition does just fine." Somehow I'd be much more assured by, say, a 98 percent rather than a 33 and a third percent chance. He starts to ask Buffy questions about her mother's insurance and lifestyle, but Buffy seems overwhelmed and unable to answer. Just then, Greasy Intern Ben smarms his way into the scene, and I'm a little glad he finally showed up so I can stop wincing at the unsavory expectation that he'll appear every time we have a scene in the hospital.
Intern Ben tells Dr. Doom that he's needed elsewhere and then settles down to give Buffy a pep talk. Who died and made you a doctor, Ben? Aw, shit -- who died and made you a character on this show? Ben assures Buffy that her mother is in good hands, and that she should "go out, get some air" because her mother will be unconscious for another six or seven hours. He leaves and Riley appears, giving Buffy a hug. Buffy's mood has shifted to desperation and she throws on her coat, saying she's going to find a healing spell for her mother. Riley tries to tell her that "people get sick," which is totally annoying, but also somewhat accurate in that I don't think we've ever seen magic heal anyone in the Buffyverse, except for vampires. Buffy doesn't like his attitude and says she has to try. She asks him to take Dawn to school and have her come to the Magic Box after school's out. Riley wants to know what to tell Dawn about Joyce, and Buffy says he should tell her that "we don't know anything yet."
At the Magic Box, Anya leafs through the day's receipts. One seems to catch her attention, and she starts to yell "Hey!" repeatedly. She's all agitated that Giles sold a khul's amulet and a Sobekian bloodstone at the same time and demands, "Are you stupid or something?" Giles dryly responds, "Allow me to answer that question with a firing," as Xander tries to remind Anya of the rules for employees that they discussed. Willow and Tara exposition that the Sobekians were an ancient Egyptian cult who practiced the dark arts, and a khul's amulet is a "transmogrification conduit." Giles sees no problem with the sale because the "young woman to whom I sold them would have to have had enormous power --" He breaks off as they all realize who purchased the amulet and bloodstone.
Carousel music plays. Riley and Dawn sit in front of the carousel in a park. Dawn picks at some sort of ice-cream confection and Riley looks uncomfortable. Doesn't he know you shouldn't feed a kid that much sugar before sending her off to school? Dawn tries to assure Riley that his attempt at cheering her up is working and then tells him a little story about how Joyce rented the carousel for her tenth birthday party. It is rather touching and sad to see Dawn so convinced that these things actually happened to her. On the verge of tears, Dawn asks, "She's not going to get better, is she?" and Riley tries to assure her that Joyce will be fine, as "the Summers women are tough." Dawns tells Riley that she's happy he's there, as is Buffy. Riley smiles, looking pleased, and Dawn further explains that Buffy cries a lot less than when she was dating Angel. The conversation seems to be going well, and Riley is happy until Dawn concludes, "She doesn't get all worked up like that over you." Riley looks queasy. Why would he want his girlfriend to cry over him? Don't confuse angst with love, Riley.
Buffy is at the Magic Box, explaining her plan to find a "mystical cure" for her mother. Willow, looking phenomenally busty, promises that they will look, but Giles and Tara tell Buffy that the "mystical and the medical aren't meant to mix." Anya snarks that they've already done enough to make things worse, the gang tries to make her shut up, and Anya actually plays along, although why they would want to hide the news about Glory from Buffy I cannot fathom, unless it was in some misguided attempt to protect her. Buffy finally insists that they tell her what happened. Giles confesses that the "demon woman" was there and when Buffy, quite alarmed, wants to know how she "got away" with the dangerous items, Anya tattles, "Giles sold it to her." Buffy gives Giles a Look, and Giles stammers his sort-of apology. Anya tells Buffy about the reptile-worshipping Sobekians, which prompts Xander to snark, "Just once I would like to run into a cult of bunny worshippers." In a nice show of continuity, Anya gets upset about the nightmarish images Xander has just inspired. Heh. If Anya pisses me off in the month I'm going to send her all the Bunnicula books for Christmas. Anya explains that Glory now has a transmogrifying amulet, and Willow breaks in with the definition of transmogrification. Come on. Like "transmogrify" didn't enter the popular lexicon circa "Calvin and Hobbes." Giles furthers that, since the bloodstone had a cobra on it, he guesses she is going to transmogrify a cobra. Buffy wants to know why Glory is making a monster, and Giles tells her that they're still working that out. "Well," Buffy replies, "You keep working on it. I'll go kill it." Over their protests, Buffy leaves. Remember when Buffy used to make actual plans? As we're supposedly delving into the darker aspects of Slayerdom this season, one might assume that this Faithization of Buffy "My fists are all the plan I need" Summers is purposeful. It's either that or sloppy writing.
Over at the Sunnydale Zoo, the camera pans past a rubber cobra in the reptile habitat. Glory smashes her first through the glass and emerges with the rubber cobra clenched in her hand. She feeds the snake into an urn while her lackey hands her the amulet. She orders him to speak the incantation, and he does. Glory beseeches the Sobekians, and then interrupts herself to complain how "overwritten" dark spells are. And she knows from overwritten. And overreacting. Oh! And we can't forget overacting. Suddenly she's tackled against the wall by Buffy, who gets a few sound hits off before her ass is handed to her on a plate. Buffy is shoved brutally into the rock walls a few times and then finally is thrown fully across the room into the cobra's former habitat. Chanting finished, Glory orders the cobra to arise. And he does. Looking so incredibly crappy and fake. I've seen better "effects" in grammar-school plays. Is Joss participating in some sort of outreach program to help those underprivileged special-effects houses get some experience under their belts? So let me get this straight. Glory took a small, somewhat fake-looking rubber snake and turned it into an ENORMOUS, totally fake-looking rubber snake, complete with (for some unexplained reason) huge man-arms? Y'all have to give me a minute to pick myself up from the gales of laughter that have just put me on the floor. Anyway, in the midst of all this non-excitement, Buffy has scrambled off. Glory orders the snake to find the key and hints that he might hit the holy places first.
At the Magic Box, Riley comes in, looking for Buffy. Riley is perturbed when Xander tells him that Buffy went off to fight big evil all by her lonesome. Xander, bless him, reads Riley the riot act. Which I will repeat fully here as I could not have said it better myself: "Yeah. Crazy. Going off alone. Half cocked. Instead of waiting for much-needed backup. Charging in with a big old hand grenade. Oh. Wait." Riley shuffles and mutters that this situation is "different." "Yeah, it is," agrees Xander, "Buffy needs something she can fight. Something she can solve. I don't know what kinda action you're looking for. Do you?" Xander tries to soften his words a bit and asks if Riley is "okay"; Riley replies that he's "just a little crazed" and takes off. Buh-bye Riley. Try not to let the door hit your insecurities and double standards on the way out.
Okay. So Fake the Snake slithers through a Sunnydale church. Good luck. When was the last time we saw any of the Summers clan just whiling away the afternoon at church?
The phone at the Magic Box rings. It's Buffy calling from the hospital, which they now identify as "Sunnydale Memorial" just to show me up. Buffy tells Giles that she got her ass kicked but good, and to be on the lookout for a gargantuan novelty snake. She also remarks that Dawn will be coming to the Magic Box soon after school. Even though she mentions that it's already 4:30, and Sunnydale can't possibly be so big that it would take ninety minutes to walk downtown, nobody seems worried that Dawn isn't already there. Plus, if you know that your little sister is being sought by some unspeakable evil that has kicked your super-power-having ass on two consecutive occasions, would do you really let said little sister walk around Sunnydale alone? You know, Sunnydale. Home to vampires, zombies, and demons, oh my!
Oh cool. Musical montage. I love these. No pesky dialogue. Buffy waits at the hospital; Dawn waits at the Magic Box. Riley drinks. Sandy sits down beside Riley, who gives her an appraising look. At the hospital, Joyce is awake now. Buffy sits beside her on the bed as Dr. Doom 'n ' Gloom gives her the news. Joyce lays her head back on the bed and turns to the side so Buffy can't see her face contort in pain, and then she turns to Buffy and tries to smile and, oh shit, I'm crying. Okay. Must be strong. So then Sandy leads Riley back against a wall somewhere...else and kisses him. And then she vamps out and Riley offers up his neck and she's draining Riley and then, oh shit, I'm cheering. And then I have this horrible thought that she's going to vamp Riley and he'll be around FOREVER. But then he pulls her off roughly and she disappears into a big pile of dust because Riley has staked her. Which just goes to show us that Riley is fucked up on so many levels.
Fake the Snake approaches the carousel and looks around some. Shouldn't he be flicking the air with his tongue more? Isn't that how snakes smell? Of course I don't know why I'm expecting realism here. Just look at him.
Pan up on the Magic Box. Buffy enters, and Dawn immediately springs from her chair to envelop her in a hug. Dawn wants to know if they can take Joyce home yet, and Buffy says, "We'll see." While Dawn is collecting her things, Fake the Snake bursts through the window and knocks a bunch of shelves onto Buffy. Fake goes right up to Dawn, who screams hugely, and contemplates her for a moment before rushing out the window again. Xander immediately checks on Dawn, and Buffy takes off out the door. Fake the Snake worms its way down the street. Buffy takes off in pursuit to prevent the snake from returning to Glory. While Buffy is running, Giles comes screeching around the corner in his new car. At this point I yell, "Go, Giles! Go!" while pumping my fist like I'm stuck in 1991. This catches the attention of my mom, who is in the kitchen preparing yummy vegetables for Thanksgiving dinner.
Sep Mom: "So this Giles is a good guy, then?"
Sep: "Yeah."
Sep Mom: "And the very blond one? He is evil?"
Sep: "Yeah."
Sep Mom: "But you get so excited when he's on-screen."
Sep: "He's evil but I love him anyway."
Sep Mom: "So he has charisma then?"
Sep: "Urgleuuuuggllhhhh."
So Buffy gets in the car with Giles to chase down Fake the Snake. Fake the Snake shoves a dumpster in their path, which Giles barely avoids, instead crashing into some trash bags.
At her headquarters, Glory is screaming and throwing shoes because she's just so terribly impatient. "Tick freakin' tock," she growls to Dreg.
Fake the Snake bursts through a chain link fence and into a park. Buffy jumps out and proceeds on foot. Oh good God! There's a shot of Fake the Snake moseying along, and although you don't see the production assistant pulling Fake along on a Red Flyer wagon, you don't need to, because it's so, so obvious. This spell was clearly lost for thousands of years because it was so freaking LAME. So Buffy grabs a conveniently-placed chain and finally catches up with the snake, launching herself at it and landing on its back. Buffy rides the big snake. Buffy chokes the big snake. Buffy pummels the big snake into pulp. Which is a pretty effective Freudian metaphor for this entire series.
Back by Joyce's bedside, Buffy asks if Joyce wants her to stay while she talks to Dawn. Joyce worries that she looks like "Scary Mom," but Buffy assures her that she looks beautiful. I guess in TV Land, an absolute lack of eye shadow is shorthand for "terminal brain tumor." Joyce asks Buffy to stay close, and then Dawn pokes her head in while Buffy goes to wait in the hallway. Buffy observes Dawn and Joyce hug through the partially open door until she's interrupted by Riley, who is wearing a big turtleneck to hide his brush with the dark side. How much more would I enjoy this moment if Riley were wearing the scarf Buffy wore when she had been bitten? Riley asks how Buffy is feeling because she looks "pretty beat up." By what standards? SMG looks better "pretty beat up" than I will on my best day. Riley pulls her into a hug and tells her to "let it out." Buffy says that she can't, because "they need me. If I start now, I won't be able to stop." Riley gives her a soft look and starts to wipe away an errant tear from Buffy's cheek, but she's distracted by her mother's call. She turns and walks into Joyce's room, shutting the door behind her, leaving Riley alone in the hall feeling all sorry for himself while Buffy's mom lies dying of brain cancer.
Sep Mom: "So this Giles is a good guy, then?"
Sep: "Yeah."
Sep Mom: "And the very blond one? He is evil?"
Sep: "Yeah."
Sep Mom: "But you get so excited when he's on-screen."
Sep: "He's evil but I love him anyway."
Sep Mom: "So he has charisma then?"
Sep: "Urgleuuuuggllhhhh."
So Buffy gets in the car with Giles to chase down Fake the Snake. Fake the Snake shoves a dumpster in their path, which Giles barely avoids, instead crashing into some trash bags.
At her headquarters, Glory is screaming and throwing shoes because she's just so terribly impatient. "Tick freakin' tock," she growls to Dreg.
Fake the Snake bursts through a chain link fence and into a park. Buffy jumps out and proceeds on foot. Oh good God! There's a shot of Fake the Snake moseying along, and although you don't see the production assistant pulling Fake along on a Red Flyer wagon, you don't need to, because it's so, so obvious. This spell was clearly lost for thousands of years because it was so freaking LAME. So Buffy grabs a conveniently-placed chain and finally catches up with the snake, launching herself at it and landing on its back. Buffy rides the big snake. Buffy chokes the big snake. Buffy pummels the big snake into pulp. Which is a pretty effective Freudian metaphor for this entire series.
Back by Joyce's bedside, Buffy asks if Joyce wants her to stay while she talks to Dawn. Joyce worries that she looks like "Scary Mom," but Buffy assures her that she looks beautiful. I guess in TV Land, an absolute lack of eye shadow is shorthand for "terminal brain tumor." Joyce asks Buffy to stay close, and then Dawn pokes her head in while Buffy goes to wait in the hallway. Buffy observes Dawn and Joyce hug through the partially open door until she's interrupted by Riley, who is wearing a big turtleneck to hide his brush with the dark side. How much more would I enjoy this moment if Riley were wearing the scarf Buffy wore when she had been bitten? Riley asks how Buffy is feeling because she looks "pretty beat up." By what standards? SMG looks better "pretty beat up" than I will on my best day. Riley pulls her into a hug and tells her to "let it out." Buffy says that she can't, because "they need me. If I start now, I won't be able to stop." Riley gives her a soft look and starts to wipe away an errant tear from Buffy's cheek, but she's distracted by her mother's call. She turns and walks into Joyce's room, shutting the door behind her, leaving Riley alone in the hall feeling all sorry for himself while Buffy's mom lies dying of brain cancer.