The Replacement

S05E03

First and foremost, giant props to Ace and Sep, who do this so damn well week in and week out.

Previously: Dawn whined. Buffy whined. Dawn rolled her eyes. Dawn got kidnapped by one of Harmony's retardo minions. Anya got cold-cocked, and suffered what Riley "I'm not a doctor, and I don't even play one on TV" Finn called a serious head wound.

Riley, Buffy, Anya, and Xander lounge around Xander's lush basement abode. The Slayer is studying, while The Loser, The Demon, and The Dork watch a poorly dubbed Kung Fu movie. Anya has her arm in a sling. Xander, trying to be the good host, expresses sorrow that he can't offer them any crunchy munchies. "We think the cat peed on the hot plate," Anya deadpans. Did the cat also pee on all your bras, Anya? Then why aren't you wearing one? Upstairs, a door slams and Xander narrates that his folks must be home. Something smashes to the ground above them, and Mr. and Mrs. Harris start yelling drunkenly at one another. Uncomfortable, Xander shifts on the sofa and cracks that, in fact, it's merely "incompetent burglars." The fighting gets louder, and everyone, save Buffy, looks uneasy. Anya, in a rare show of human emotion, rubs Xander's leg. He opines that perhaps the time has come for him to find his own pad. Something a littler nicer. Something with less urine. "Buffy, you've been to hell. They have one bedrooms, right?" Buffy ignores him and turns the page. Riley pats her on the shoulder and tries to bring her nose out of the book and into the movie. Buffy agrees that she's learned enough about The Crusades for one day, and that it's high time to "take a break from the violence for...oh, fighting!" The foursome watch the Kung Fu Fighting for a moment, before Riley starts massaging Buffy's shoulders and she starts moaning orgasmically, and Xander looks uncomfortable, and I feel sick. Cracking his knuckles, Xander tries to do the same for Anya, but is rebuffed when she reminds him that, first, she has a dislocated shoulder, and second, she's trying to concentrate "on the kicking movie!" Chastened, Xander sits back, as Buffy begins to critique the Kung Fu moves; apparently, they're all wrong, from the perspective of a professional ass-kicker. More crashing and screaming from upstairs. Riley coughs, embarrassed, as Buffy blathers on about the fact that he would be critical if some army movie had "people saluting backwards" and points out that Willow is equally critical of witch movies. Xander agrees that Willow "would be all like, 'What's that? A caldron? Who uses a caldron anymore?'"

Which, naturally, segues into a gory demon guy (whose eyes, teeth, and, er skull, glow as if he'd recently swallowed one of those glow sticks all the kids are taking to concerts instead of lighters these days), toiling over a caldron. What, you expected something else? The demon, is, naturally, in the midst of a curse which will give him the ability to bring about "the death of the Slayer." Yawn. So what else is new?

I miss that shot of Giles in the tuxedo that used to be in the credits. And that shot from the first episode, when Sarah Michelle Gellar used to have those cute little chipmunk cheeks. Remember that? Ah, I was so young then. So young. So dumb.

Fade up on a very nice example of Los Angeles apartment architecture: say, mid 1930s, slightly deco, slightly modern, white and shiny on a green grassy hill. As an LA native, I'd price it between expensive and really, really expensive. Inside, Anya, Xander, Buffy, Riley, and Willow stride down the hallway. As Sep said to me earlier, Riley looks like Captain Eo in his red leather jacket. The gang discusses how groovy it would be if Xander could afford this apartment and thus get the hell out of the basement, but the man himself is less optimistic, warning them not to get their hopes "all carbonated," seeing as he really has no references -- only "Albert," which is him, doing "an important voice."

The apartment is furnished! Sadly, the furniture is ugly, but anything's better than Xander's current decor, which screams "scavenged from the curbside." Much oohing and ahhhing over the niceness of the apartment ensues, Buffy commenting on how nice and "not subterranean" it is. Anya stands in the middle of the living room and states in her usual deadpan (like, we get that you're not used to being human and having human emotions and all that, dude. Does it mean that you have to flatline every word that comes out of your mouth?) that she wants the apartment. Period.

The woman showing the apartment originally mistakes Riley for Xander and seems disappointed when Xander corrects her. She's even more disappointed when Anya starts loudly planning Scooby gang meetings, Willow makes some overly enthused commentary about the presence of a microwave, and Buffy and Riley start making out in the bedroom. Classy, kids. Xander, of course, is flabbergasted when the landlady (or is she a broker? Or a real estate woman? Whatever. In my little world, she's a landlady) explains that he needs to fill out an application, so they can run a credit check. Anya barks that they'll take the apartment and commands Xander to "get the furniture." She explains to the landlady that they've been living in Xander's "drunken parents' basement, where something urinated on the hot plate." Xander shuffles Anya away from befuddled landlady's gaze, as Riley, Willow, and Buffy smile beatifically in an attempt to seem, you know, like normal, responsible friends of a normal, responsible, quiet tenant, instead of people who will, in all likelihood, end up conjuring a series of messy and otherworldly entities who may or may not trash the place. Riley, to fill the awkward silence, comments that they like the ceiling fan in the kitchen. Willow agrees, telling the landlady that the ceiling fan is lovely, in a very Old South kind of way. "Without the unpleasant slavery connotations," Buffy says. The landlady blanches.

Over in the corner, Anya and Xander's conversation gets louder and louder. Xander explains that he isn't sure if he can afford the apartment, as nice as it is, because his current construction job is ending, and he doesn't know when the one will be coming along. Anya whines about having to visit Xander in the basement, and then loudly informs him that she's tired of how "not together" his life is, and how she's sick of "looking at pretty things [she] can't have!" The landlady and Xander's friends look embarrassed for him. He smiles widely at the assembled group and offers to start on the application. He promises the landlady that she'll like it, as he has "lovely penmanship." Say it with me: poor Xander.

Over at the Magic Box, Giles is unpacking a box labeled "Charms, Orbs, and Misc. Curses." Who doesn't have a box like that laying around from the last move? Laughing at the usefulness (or not) of said Misc. Curses, Giles turns around -- and right into the chest of Demon Glow Stick (who appears to be wearing black silk academic robes, like, what is this guy, Professor of Evil at the Evil University?), who intones, "The Slayer is not here." Giles attempts to deflect Dr. Glow Stick with a purple rabbit's foot, but seeing as Rabbits' Feet are totally ineffectual as anything other than hairy gross key chains, he tosses it aside and, dropping the box, picks up a heavy wooden statue. "That is a fertility god," Glow Stick monotones glibly. Giles looks at the statue for a second, then starts bashing the hell out of Glow Stick. He manages to back the demon halfway across the room, but his efforts don't actually seem to be inflicting any harm. Eventually, the demon lashes out, flinging Giles to the floor and smacking him with what looks like a light sabre carved out of wood -- the sort of thing Luke Skywalker would have made if he'd had time to whittle aboard the Millennium Falcon. Giles lays on the floor as Glow Stick points the light sabre in his face, repeats the newsflash that Giles is not the Slayer and, as such, does not concern him, then turns on his heel and stalks out of the room.

Later, Giles demonstrates his Glow Stick-thwarting moves for the Scooby gang (minus Tara, who isn't in this episode at all), eventually admitting that he didn't actually manage to hurt the demon at all. "I'm sure he was startled," Willow comments kindly. Buffy cheerfully dubs his afternoon "a mythic triumph over a completely indifferent foe." Giles furrows his eyebrow and comments that he's not "dead or unconscious, so bravo for [him]!" That's certainly my motto. Xander comments that, somehow, he's not surprised that Giles got attacked in the magic shop, before it even opened. Riley agrees that the Magic Box seems "dangerous" to own. Well, I can't imagine anything more dangerous that running a library located directly over the Hellmouth, but the Magic Box isn't exactly a sanctuary, I'll give him that. Flipping through one of his many books (maybe Men are From Mars, Demons are From Hades?) Giles locates the identity of his assailant; it's a Toth demon, an ancient and very strong entity known to be very sophisticated. Buffy wonders if she ought to "discuss men's fashion with it before [she] chop[s] [its] head off." I wish she'd discuss men's fashion with Xander at some point. His bright yellow long-sleeve tee under the strange and brightly patterned short-sleeved cotton button-down is wrong in some way I can't quite put my finger on. Oh, right: it's ugly. Giles explains that, actually, Toth is considered sophisticated because he fights with weapons instead of his hands, and exposits that since Glow Stick mentioned the Slayer, they all know why he's in Sunnydale. Gee, because I thought he might be there for the restaurants or the stunning local scenery! Isn't every demon in Sunnydale gunning for the Slayer? At the mention of Buffy's name, Riley goes all Mr. Big Protector Boyfriend Man, wondering where he can find Glow Stick and "how hard" he can kill him. Correct me if I'm wrong, but by this point, shouldn't Riley be accustomed to the fact that vampires, demons, and fire-breathing trolls come from all over the cosmos just to take a swing at his girlfriend? And that she's pretty much able to take care of her own self, thanks to that whole Super Slaying Powers thing? Giles muses that while Demons and You: A Guide to the Bile-Spewing Minions of Lower Hell doesn't specify where Toth demons tend to hang out, he has a good idea, thanks to the way Glow Stick smelled...

...fade up on the City Dump, where Spike, of all people, is digging around in one of the many piles of trash. Riley, who, I have to admit, just made a cute remark about the fact that while people say they are recycling, no one is actually recycling, asks him why he's there. Spike smirks. "There's a nice lady vampire who's set up a charming tea room over this pile of CRAP," he snarks. Hee. Spike explains that he's scavenging for, y'know, stuff. He waves a glass...gewgaw in the air. "Pretty!" Willow chirps, a sentiment Spike seems to appreciate. Giles explains that they're looking for a demon. "You mean a great, tall, robe-y thing, like that one?" he asks, pointing behind them. Yup, it's Glow Stick, who points his light sabre at the group and fires a flash of light out of it. Told ya it was like a light sabre! "Take cover!" Riley yells helpfully as everyone dives, and the light hits a pile of trash. "Big guy!" yells Spike. "Kick her ass!" Glow Stick fires again, just missing Buffy and taking out Spike's gewgaw. Frustrated and infuriated, Spike hollers that he's on Glow Stick's side and books out of there. Glow Stick fires again, and as Xander pushes Buffy out of the way, he gets hit and goes flying backwards into a huge pile of garbage. Again: poor Xander. Glow Stick disappears as the gang runs to help Xander, who seems to be in some pain but has no visible bruises or marks and, you know, hasn't burst into flames. As the gang helps Xander out of the dump, the camera pans over to the pile of trash he landed on. There lays...another Xander. Unconscious. Dum dum dum DUM!

Dump. Day. Pile of Trash Xander, still laying in the garbage, yawns. Flies buzz. He opens his eyes and yelps.

House of Xander. Pile of Trash Xander, who from now on I will be calling Dirty Xander, tries to open his basement door, and finding it locked, calls for Anya. No response. He kicks the door and squeals in pain. Dirty Xander limps over to the window and, rubbing some dirt away from one pane, peers into the basement. Where he sees...

...the other Xander (let's call him, oh, let's see, Clean Xander), walking around the basement, fresh out of the shower, and shirtless. Xander fans all over North America squeal in delight! (Of course, that could have been Nick Brendon's twin, Kelly. But I'm not even going to get into trying to figure out who is who in each scene. My quick take is that it was Nick, like, 70% of the time, and Kelly was used mostly when both Xanders had to be in the shot.) Dirty Xander is flabbergasted by this disturbing new development in his previously depressing but uneventful life, and comments aloud that he needs to find Buffy. He gets up off his stomach, catches his toe on a stepping stone in the lawn, and totally bites it, falling right on his face. Whoopsie!

Instead of going to the Magic Box to talk to Giles or, you know, going directly to Buffy's house, Dirty Xander tries to call her from a pay phone in the middle of the street. A pay phone which eats his quarter. As Dirty Xander argues with the operator, Clean Xander, looking cool and collected, sails down the street. Dirty Xander, finding a quarter in his pocket, sticks it in the phone, dials, and then seeing his doppelganger, hides his face behind his hand. Buffy answers the phone, but Dirty Xander is so flummoxed by this entire turn of events that he just hangs up on her and stares after Clean Xander.

On the other end of the phone, Buffy, in her bedroom at home, looks perplexed and hangs up. Turning to Riley, she...Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. Holy...My...Sweet...um. This outfit? I really don't think...I mean...wha? That's blood coming from my eyes. I'm crying tears of blood because of this outfit. And I can't move my arms because I'M TURNING TO STONE BECAUSE OF THIS OUTFIT. I don't know what Sarah Michelle Gellar did to the stylist this week, but I think it must have been along the lines of killing her family and burning down her house, because this is the worst outfit I have ever seen on television. Ever. And that includes two years of the original Donny and Marie Show. Buffy is wearing (brace yourself -- seriously) a green, lavender, peach, and brown beaded halter top, skintight flared brown pants with a white tie-dyed pattern thing on them, and a full-length (as in, to the ground) lavender hooded sweatshirt. A FULL LENGTH SWEATSHIRT? God, why hast thou forsaken me?! Buffy says something to Riley about being fully equipped to kill this demon, and that he shouldn't worry about her, and they start to make out, and I still can't really see because of the BLOOD coming out of MY EYES, because I just saw that Buffy is also wearing a giant purple ring made entirely of shiny, shiny beads and a bracelet with a matching huge green beady flower thing on it. And then there is this gurgling noise in the background and I think maybe Riley is choking to death on Buffy's tongue, but it's just Dawn, grossed out by all the kissy stuff. Dawn tells Buffy that she knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who died because she choked on her boyfriend's tongue. What did I tell you? Buffy rolls her eyes and tells Dawn, predictably, to get out. Dawn points out that she's in the hallway and can stand there if she wants. Bicker bicker bicker, Buffy slams the door in Dawn's face. And that's it for Dawn this week, kids.

By Jessica

Dump. Day. Pile of Trash Xander, still laying in the garbage, yawns. Flies buzz. He opens his eyes and yelps.

...the other Xander (let's call him, oh, let's see, Clean Xander), walking around the basement, fresh out of the shower, and shirtless. Xander fans all over North America squeal in delight! (Of course, that could have been Nick Brendon's twin, Kelly. But I'm not even going to get into trying to figure out who is who in each scene. My quick take is that it was Nick, like, 70\% of the time, and Kelly was used mostly when both Xanders had to be in the shot.) Dirty Xander is flabbergasted by this disturbing new development in his previously depressing but uneventful life, and comments aloud that he needs to find Buffy. He gets up off his stomach, catches his toe on a stepping stone in the lawn, and totally bites it, falling right on his face. Whoopsie!

By Jessica

Giles explains that there are any number of demons who take human form, and goes for one of his many handy reference books. Clean Xander wonders why they have to figure out what kind of demon it is before they kill it, anyway. Riley agrees, hypothesizing that once they kill it, it'll return to demon form. "Toth!" Buffy says from the corner, asking Giles if it's possible that the demon's "creepy stick thing" allowed him to take Xander's form. Giles agrees that, yes, that is possible. "That does make sense," Clean Xander comments calmly. "It must be Toth."

"It's a robot!" Dirty Xander says, ringing rainwater from his socks. "It's an evil robot, made from evil parts to look like me, designed to do evil!" Willow rests her head on her hand. "Or," she points out, "it's Toth." "Or it's Toth!" Dirty Xander says.

Buffy tells Clean Xander that she's going out to "look for [him]." She gives Clean Xander permission to go hang out with Anya, saying that she doesn't want to kill the wrong Xander, anyway. Clean Xander agrees that this is, indeed, good thinking.

At Willow's, Dirty Xander moans that this demon is living his life better than he is. Willow reassures him that she can find a spell that will make Buffy realize that Clean Xander has her hypnotized. "Whatever," Dirty Xander mopes. Willow tells him that she needs him to help her, but he just complains that he never gets to help, that he just gets in trouble, and then Buffy saves him. Willow corrects him and points out that, sometimes, they all help save him. Hee hee. Looks like both of them were watching the show last season. Dirty Xander calls himself a "great humiliation," and wonders if maybe Clean Xander makes a better Xander than he does, and maybe he should just let Clean Xander have his life and make something of it. He mopes that he doesn't even have anything anyone would want, anyway. Except Anya. Dirty Xander tells Willow breathlessly that Anya doesn't know there are two of them running around, and that he can't let Clean Xander have Anya. "I need her," he says. "Really?" Willow asks. Xander ignores this tiny slur and asks Willow to find some "revealing" spell to break Clean Xander's thrall on his girlfriend. Willow wonders why Xander didn't think of Anya until just that moment, anyway. Xander heads for the door. "Wait 'til you have an evil twin!" he says. "See how you handle it." Willow crinkles her nose, and mutters (along with half the viewing public), "I handled it fine."

By Jessica

Could Clean Xander be any smoother than Dirty Xander? He's sealed the deal on the fancy-schmancy apartment, something Dirty Xander (lurking in the hallway), can barely grasp. Mouth open, Dirty Xander listens in awe as the landlady throws herself at Clean Xander, doing everything but taking off her blouse and rubbing his face in her breasts. Oh, at second glance, she's not wearing a blouse. It's a dress. AND AN OBI FOR A BELT. What in the name of sweet holy God is happening here? Is she a landlady by day, a geisha by night? The blood is starting to seep from under my eyelids again! In the hallway, Dirty Xander sniffs that Clean Xander is "so not [him]. He's too clean, for one thing. And his socks are all matchy." Hee.

After the landlady exits, Clean Xander calls Anya. He gets her machine, and says that he knows she's there, screening her calls. "I am not," Anya brats, from the safety of her (heretofore unseen) apartment. In case you're wondering, Anya appears to live in a Victorian bordello and also owns some lovely 1930s silk pajamas. She listens as Clean Xander tells her to meet him "at the apartment," because he has "something to show [her]."

As Clean Xander exits his apartment, Dirty Xander lunges from the shadows and, with a clearly Kung Fu-inspired "Hi YA!," jumps him. Clean Xander shrugs Dirty Xander off, and with little more than a surprised glance at his doppelganger, decks him. Dirty Xander hits the floor. "I won't let you do this!" he yells, as Clean Xander books down the hallway. Dirty Xander groans, "Oh man, I need Buffy."

Rain falls on Sunnydale, washing the streets clean of whatever copious amounts of blood were let that day. Dirty Xander scurries through Giles' courtyard and peers in the window of Giles' apartment -- where Clean Xander is giving Giles, Buffy, and Riley an account of his encounter with Dirty Xander. "We have to find it, and we have to kill it," says the robotic, calm, preternaturally collected voice of Clean Xander. Dirty Xander grimaces. Foiled again! "Please Buffy," he moans, "resist his spell!" But inside, Buffy tells Clean Xander that "whatever it is," it "has to deal with the Slayer now." Ruh-roh!

Is it wrong that this "My Chalupa" commercial makes me laugh? If it is, I don't want to be right.

This is the part where I laugh and laugh and laugh, because Willow is returning to what is ostensibly her dorm room at UC Sunnydale. I laugh for several reasons: (a) a single room at a UC school -- not going to happen, (b) a room this size for, like, four people at a UC school -- also not going to happen, and (c) the building her room is allegedly located in? The main library on the UCLA campus, and about twelve thousand times nicer than any of the dorms, all of which are like concrete shoeboxes of death. Anyway, Willow returns to her room, where her solitude is quickly interrupted by Dirty (and wet!) Xander, who clearly believes Buffy has placed Willow on Xander Evil Twin Tactical Alert, and is hysterical to convince her that it's the real him. Willow calmly sits on the bed, as Xander attempts to prove that he's him and not some evil face-stealing demon by listing all kinds of facts that only he could know, like details of his seventh birthday, his alleged lactose intolerance, and their Christmas tradition of watching Charlie Brown together. And then, in a shout-out to all the old-school fans of this show, Dirty Xander does "the Snoopy dance," (which, yes, looks just like the dance Snoopy does in A Charlie Brown Christmas -- head straight up in the hair, arms down by the sides, knees up) a very nice bit of continuity and attention to detail on the part of the writer. Willow wonders why she wouldn't believe Xander is who he says he is, and he explains that, you know, there is a whole other Xander out there wandering around, only cleaner and neater and more obsessed with shiny things. He yelps that Clean Xander has already gotten to Giles and Buffy and Riley!

Riley and Buffy race toward Xander's apartment in Giles' car. "Can't this thing go any faster?" Buffy wonders. "Ultimate driving machine, my ass." Hee. Indeed. The lovebirds are silent for a moment, until Buffy starts to ask if Riley ever wishes she weren't the Slayer. He doesn't even let her get the question out, interrupting her to tell her that being the Slayer is part of who she is, and that he gets that, even if she doesn't think he does. "There's no part of you I'm not in love with," he says. Why don't tall blonds driving red BMWs ever say that to me? Buffy smiles at him. Apparently, there are parts of him she isn't in love with. "We better get there soon," she says. "If Xander kills himself, he's dead. You know what I mean."

Clean Xander manages to come up out of the tussle for the weapon with possession of the firearm. He has Dirty Xander staring down the business end of the gun when Buffy bursts through the door. Right in the nick of time! Anya squeals that Xander has her gun. "You have a gun?" Riley and I ask in unison. Buffy confiscates the weapon, as both Xanders protest loudly that they are, in fact, the real Xander. Buffy tosses each of them, in turn, up against the wall, and explains the whole "two parts of one person" dealio. "He can't be me!" Dirty Xander protests. "He's all...fancy!" Buffy asks them to tell her what number she's thinking of. "Eleven and a half," the Xanders chime, in unison. See?! Dirty Xander pipes up that Clean Xander has been hypnotizing people with "a shiny thing that stuns and disorients!" Clean Xander explains that the shiny thing is merely a nickel that got squashed on the railroad tracks, and he carries it because he thinks it's nifty. Dirty Xander, once he gets over the idea that the nickel will "melt [his] brain," agrees that the nickel is kinda cool. Both Xanders gaze in fascination at the pretty shiny thing.

Buffy is all set to escort the two Xanders back to Giles', when Glow Stick bursts through the door and points his light sabre at her. She summersaults away from the blast, and Riley attacks Glow Stick. Buffy pulls herself off the floor and takes over the fight after Glow Stick smacks Riley. Hey, this is the first ass kicking of the night! It's about time. Buffy and Glow Stick fight briefly (you know the drill; round house, karate chop, smack to the head), before she runs him through with a sword. "The cleaning deposit's gone," Clean Xander comments dryly. "I was thinking the same thing!" Dirty Xander squeals.

At the Magic Box, the Xanders are dressed like twins; sadly, in Dirty Xander's ugly and strange get-up rather than Clean Xander's normal and attractive one. Everyone ooohs and ahhs over their multitude of similarities. Riley suggests locking them in separate rooms and doing "experiments on them." Come on, you thought of that, too. I'll spare you the three minutes of my life I can never get back in which Anya proposes a Xander/Anya/Xander sex-a-thon. It seems the lure of the easy Anya Doesn't Get That People Don't Say Those Things Aloud moment is irresistible to Buffy writers. Willow explains that the Xanders' natural state is to be together, and therefore, the spell is easy to break. She says "let the spell be ended," and poof! That's it. Xander is all one again. And still dirty, sadly.

By Jessica

Dirty Xander somehow gets into Anya's bedroom and, conveniently, Clean Xander's message to her, stating the time and place he would like to meet her, is still on the machine. Dirty Xander begins to rummage through Anya's drawers. Get your mind out of the gutter, I'm talking about her literal drawers, silly -- she isn't there!

Because she's at the new apartment with Clean Xander. Anya can't believe that he's managed to score such a boss pad. Clean Xander explains suavely that he did it all for her. They mack. Clean Xander pulls away from Anya for a moment and establishes that she hadn't seen him previously that day (in other words, that she's still under the impression that there is only one Xander). The lovebirds nestle on the carpet with a little wine and cheese. Anya wonders, "What happens ?" Clean Xander suggests they get nekked, but Anya wants to know what happens in their lives; when they get a car, or a boat, or a puppy, or a child. She explains that she doesn't have time to just let things happen, and yadda yadda yadda, coming to grips with the fact that she is no longer a demon and dealing with the idea of mortalitycakes. Clean Xander reacts sensitively to Anya's newfound fear of aging and death. He moves in for another smackeroo, when Dirty Xander bursts in the door and yells at his Rico Suave self to get his hands off his girlfriend! Huh? You know what I mean. Clean Xander orders Dirty Xander out of his apartment, and each Xander attempts (one frantically, the other, not so much) to convince Anya that he is the real Xander. She cuddles up to Clean Xander and pouts for him to make Dirty Xander go away. I'd just like to say that if Anya thinks Clean Xander is a more believable Xander than Dirty Xander, she doesn't know Xander very well. Or something.

By Jessica

Back at Giles', Buffy (still wearing that awful outfit) is planning her attack on Toth, when Willow bursts in and tells them about the two, two, two Xanders. Buffy wonders how Willow knew about the situation, and as Willow explains about Dirty Xander and his frantic mission to convince her that he is who he says he is, Giles reads from yet another heavy, leather-bound Book of Doom. "Oh, dear Lord," he sighs. As Buffy, Willow, and Riley attempt to figure out which Xander was the real Xander (and they're leaning towards Willow's, because their Xander was "too forceful and confident"), Giles reminds them that he just said, "Oh, dear Lord." "You always say that," Buffy points out. "Well, it's always important," Giles retorts. Snerk. He informs them that, in fact, neither Xander is a demon. "Is one of them a robot?" Willow wonders. Giles frowns and explains that, actually, the weapon Toth used splits "one person into half, distilling personality traits into two separate bodies." Translating, Giles tells them that Toth was trying to split Buffy into two separate people; one all Super Slayer and one Not Slayer at All. Therefore, when Xander got in the way, his personality was split into its weakest and strongest components (what does it mean when the weakest part of your personality is the most likeable? Because Clean Xander kind of creeped me out). Both Xanders are Xander, Giles explains. Neither is evil, and neither has any qualities that the original Xander didn't already possess somewhere. Wow, the snazzy-dressing quality must have been buried deep, then. Riley wonders why Toth wanted to split the Slayer in two to begin with, especially since the Slayer half would be invincible. Giles moves the plot along by telling them that if one of the two halves is killed, both die. And non-Slayer Buffy would have been toast. Buffy comments helpfully that if they lose one Xander, they lose them both.

By Jessica

Back at the apartment, Anya still can't decide which Xander is the real Xander. Clean Xander reassures her calmly that he'll "get rid of this thing," but as he approaches Dirty Xander, Dirty Xander whips a gun out of his waistband and sticks it in Clean Xander's mug. Anya jumps between the two of them and they tussle for the weapon.

By Jessica

But he still has that bitching apartment! The day (or whenever. You know, later) Riley, Buffy, and Anya help Xander pack up his stuff and get the hell out of that awful hellhole of a basement. I'd like to point out that Buffy is dressed like a normal person, in black capris, a black and white baseball tee, and sneakers. And ponytails! Like a normal person, I tell you! While Buffy and Anya are out loading the car, Xander wonders ruefully how Anya can make him feel "like suave Xander's left the building." Riley reassures him that Anya "digs the whole package." Xander tells Riley that he envies the fact that Riley's in a "sane" relationship. He makes it clear that he's not into Buffy anymore. Because he's so not. Not that he ever was. Because, you know, he totally was not. Riley quietly says that he knows how lucky he is, like, "lottery lucky." He sighs and tells Xander that Buffy splits him in two; half of him is on fire for her, while the other half is perfectly content in the knowledge that she's "the one." He picks up a box and makes me very, very sad when he says, sadly, that he knows Buffy doesn't love him. Poor Riley. Xander watches quietly as Buffy comes downstairs and kisses her boyfriend. He looks pensive. Don't we all? Who would have thought that Riley would suddenly turn all likable, only to get screwed over? Wonders will never cease.