Last, uh, season Riley had this little behavior modification chip inside him courtesy of the Initiative, which he removed himself even though it was attached to his CENTRAL NERVOUS SYSTEM. Also, the Initiative shot him up full of drugs. Which, in my opinion, really is the least of their crimes when compared with ruining the entire season.
Fade up on one of the bazillion cemeteries in Sunnydale. Buffy is lying in wait on top of a mausoleum. As she stands, she reveals what appear to be blue leather pants paired with a black leather jacket. This may seem innocuous enough after some of the "outfits" the "Fashion" Nazi has foisted onto us, but...leather on leather? Only post-apocalypse. Like white shoes after Labor Day (or age eight, really), this is a strict no-no. Okay, back to the action. Buffy launches herself off of the crypt and snaps into a full sprint. She reaches a fresh grave and, just as a pair of hands emerge, performs a preemptive stake. My boss would call that proactive, which should also be a stakeable offense. Buffy's quickly distracted by another rising vampire (again in a business suit) and starts fighting with him. Suddenly Riley comes barreling into the scene and takes over. Riley seems surprised to see Buffy, as he thought she was in the "north sector," and asks what she's doing there. "My job?" snarks Buffy. After Riley has dispatched that vamp, Buffy catches site of another vamp, AGAIN in a business suit. Is a vamp's fave food convention attendees? On second thought, why am I complaining? Buffy raises her stake, but then this vamp is tackled by Spike. "Why do I even bother?" mutters Buffy under her breath. Aw, is sumbuddy feewing wike she's not the center of the uniwerse? Spike takes one in the face, getting his nose bloodied, while Buffy swoops in for the kill. She shoots Spike an exasperated look and tells him to keep off of her turf. Riley backs Buffy up, and she turns her exasperated look on him. Riley doesn't catch it, but Spike does, causing him to crow merrily. Buffy tells Spike that since she just observed him taking a little nip from his own blood, she's too disgusted for conversation. She stalks off. I wonder if that's the vampiric version of masturbation?
Riley catches up with Buffy. He apologizes. She expresses concern for his safety. He wants to go find more "aerodynamic vamps," but Buffy isn't into it.
Spike watches them go balefully: "I will know your blood Slayer. I will make your neck my chalice." The hell? Has Spike been watching Danny Kaye movies on the telly? Y'all know the one I'm talking about. "The flagon with the dragon contains the brew that is true." There's also a bit about the "chalice from the palace" that I can't quite remember, because the sight of Danny Kaye in a pageboy melted the part of my brain where most rhyming couplets are stored. Spike strides off, going for "menacing," but he's derailed when he falls into an open grave. Ha! That was funny. But it would've been ten times funnier if it had happened to Angel.
Credits. Who does James Marsters have to sleep with to be billed before Michelle Trachtenberg and Emma Caulfield? Ooh! Please let it be me. C'mon, if y'all give me James I won't ask for anything else for my birthday or Christmas. What? It worked when I was ten.
It looks like school is back in session, because Buffy and Willow are walking through the halls of campus and having an actual discussion about an actual lecture. Just in case you were wondering if that Bizarro Buffyverse thing was still in effect, the writers actually have Buffy hold her own in the discussion. Willow cracks wise about having to watch her "occipital lobe," but Buffy doesn't get it and reassures Willow that she still wears the "smarty-pants." Yeah? Well, can she take off that striped cardigan then? It certainly doesn't go with smarty-pants. And didn't the "authentically hand-knit by exploited Third-World peoples" look go out in 1996? Buffy starts to complain a bit about all the extra work she's had to do lately, and they head off to the magic shop.
Giles is getting the shop up to speed with the assistance of Tara and Xander. Look! Xander is using a skill! Effectively! As he's building shelves for Giles, I notice that he's attired in jeans and a plain long-sleeved shirt. It looks like after his other half fell into the Gap, he managed to climb out with a basic grasp on the matching theory. Bang, bang, bang on the door baby. It's Buffy and Willow. Wait. They knock at the shop but not at the house? Willow gets as excited as "a witch in a magic shop" as she takes in all the changes and, spying a jar of amphibian eyeballs, asks Giles if they're genuine eye of newt. Giles says that they're actually salamander's eyes, which are "equally effective really. It's just a matter of overcoming snobbery." Hee! I can see it now. President's Choice eye of newt.
Willow greets Tara, who seems to be trying on her blind gypsy fortune teller costume in preparation for Halloween. After Tara mentions that she'd like to see a psychic at the shop, Willow encourages Tara to do it herself. Blah blah Tara has low self esteem. Blah blah Willow reaffirms her faith in Tara's palm reading abilities. She offers up her palm with a "do me." I snicker because I'm mature like that. Tara takes Willow's palm, gazes intently, and makes an "mmmm" noise. "What do you see?" asks Willow. "Willow hand," replies Tara, with requisite half-wink and crooked smile. Hey! Did Tara just play this scene in a way that makes me think that Willow and Tara aren't a couple of old spinsters who've decided to throw their man-chasin' energies into a home for wayward cats? Looks like someone is taking chemistry this year. Willow smiles at Tara in return, and boom. Moment is over. She looks like she's smiling at her dowager aunt.
Buffy and Xander follow Giles into the training room. The moment Buffy steps over the threshold, she's tackled by Riley. Buffy starts to chide him, but she's distracted by the makeover of her training space. Buffy surprises me by revealing that the phrase "thank you" is actually in her vocabulary. Riley starts air-punching near Buffy and tries to get her to go a round with him. "Think you can take me?" and "What's the matter? Afraid of a little competition?" when Buffy ignores him. Oh dear god. Riley has turned into the annoying guy from Marketing. You know the one.
Spike snarks to the TV, "Oh Pacey. You blind idiot! Can't you see she doesn't love you?" Bwa! As long as they're referencing the real world, they should have Willow log onto MBTV and then take Tara and Buffy shopping afterwards. An ominous-sounding knock on the door, but before Spike can answer it, Harmony enters. She's in a tizzy because she is "like totally [Buffy's] arch-nemesis." Snort. As Harmony blathers on, Spike's look becomes more and more predatory. Harmony mentions that she's "desperate." "Desperate, are you?" Penetrating eyes. Husky voice. "Yeah, I'll do anything!" says Harm brightly. "Anything, will you?" Holy hypno-eyes! Wow. At this point I'll do anything, and Harmony annoys the crap out of me. Harmony finally understands what Spike is alluding to and blithely agrees. She then sinks into the chair, pulls out a smoke, and struggles with a child-proof slash idiot-vamp-proof lighter. Spike comments on Harmony's new vice, and she retorts, "I am a villain, Spike. Helloooo." As much as I would like to believe this is a shout-out, I'm not that deluded. Spike plays on Harmony's idiotic notion that she's actually on Buffy's radar and manipulates her into agreeing that she'll have to kill the Slayer. Spike promises to "help with the thinking."
Buffy. Riley. Post-coital. I know that during the past few episodes Riley hasn't been bothering me, but I'm just not ready to accept that he actually has had sex with Buffy. So let's just cut to...
Dawn with two large bowls of "Sugar Bombs" (heh) in front of her while she fills a third so she can get to the prize. Joyce is serving up omelets. On her way to the table, Joyce seems to lose her balance. As the spell that's causing everyone to believe that Dawn's presence is normal wavers, she gives Dawn a puzzled look and asks who she is before collapsing. 911 ensues. Isn't this like the bazillionth time someone has called 911 from the Summers'? Shouldn't someone be keeping track of that?
Sunnydale General. Buffy rushes through the door, Riley in tow, to find Dawn sitting calmly and waiting. They hug, and Intern Ben comes out to assure Buffy that Joyce is just fine. They confer about Joyce's condition while Dawn plays with the stethoscope Intern Ben gave her, totally feeling up Intern Ben, Buffy, and Riley in the process. This scene was only included to establish that Riley's heart is fucked up.
Riley is buttoning up his shirt while the Doctor is reading him the riot act, trying to get him to check into the hospital because of his, uh, heart problem. My closed captioning isn't helping, and I didn't sign up to recap ER, so we're just going to go with "heart problem," okay? Buffy stands, arms folded, looking pissed. Riley tries to reassure her that he is in good health as Buffy tries to talk some sense into him. Enter Joyce and Dawn. Joyce says that she's through with the tests so they can "take this pincushion home." "Yes!" agrees Riley overenthusiastically, and they file out.
Cut to the Summers' home, where Buffy, Dawn, and Willow are trying to make Joyce comfortable on the couch. Joyce is worried about Riley, but Buffy very sincerely tells her that if Riley isn't worried then they shouldn't be.
Y'know, if I hadn't been watching this show for the last five, oh, episodes I might actually be surprised when the scene is Buffy pacing in her room, griping about Riley's attitude to Willow and Dawn. Willow thinks his problems are related to the Initiative, and then suggests calling them. Uh, Will? You're the smart one, remember? Is Buffy just going to pick up the phone, dial 411, and ask if the top-secret government project that was shut down last year happened to leave a forwarding number? Dawn actually has a helpful suggestion with, "If they're really spying on you all the time, just say something so you'll know they'll hear you. Like sometimes I write fake things in my diary in case..." Hmm. Interesting. Dawn writes fake things in her diary. Just one more of those things that could be taken as mere little-sister posturing, or could mean something more sinister. Whatever. Wake me when this subplot becomes important. Buffy looks thoughtful and takes off.
Buffy enters wherever it is that Riley is living these days and, finding him gone, picks up his phone. Telltale clicks let Buffy know that the line is tapped, and Buffy tells whoever is listening that "Riley's in trouble. He needs help."
So then we're on the set of White Men Can't Jump, and Riley is playing basketball with some buddies of his that we've never seen before. But hey! It's the second black extra of the evening. Maybe Riley is transferring his latent feelings of homosexuality for Forrest onto the new guy. The music in this scene is really jarring, and for a moment I thought the cat had stepped on the remote and switched the channel to TNT again. But no, it's just that wanker they brought in as a composer this season. Riley catches sight of Graham sitting on a bench, and my bad -- we're actually on the set of White Men Can't Act. He gets up to talk to Riley, flanked by Agents Goodman and Brown. Snerk. Any chance that Graham's last name is Young? So Graham tries to convince Riley that he needs to get to the hospital pronto. Riley remains unconvinced, but when Graham assures him that his motives are pure, Riley buckles a little and wants to make sure that they've really got "the fix." Graham says what, because of his deplorable delivery, amounts to, "We got a guy. He's a real doctor and everything." Thanks, GI Jughead. GI Jughead tells Riley that they're "going to him now. [He's] not giving [Riley] a choice." Then splat! Riley punches Graham. Pow! Slam! Riley plays a little basketbrawl (tm Eloquent Pelican) with the agents and runs off.
Just like last season, once the Initiative has screwed everything up, it's time to call in the Slayer. GI Jughead briefs Buffy on the situation in the middle of a crowded building at the University. Graham says that "[Riley is] way stronger than he oughta be and he's feeling no pain. His heart can't take it. We've been at him for weeks about it." Hmm. I bet Graham is referring to a scene in "Buffy vs. Dracula" in which Riley found a mysterious letter in his apartment that upset him. Buffy says that she'll get Riley to the hospital and stalks off.
Buffy and the gang have convened at the magic shop. Xander tries to reassure Buffy about Riley's course of action with a thinly veiled "I have a friend" parable, which makes it pretty obvious that he's alluding to last week's scene in which Riley expressed his doubt that Buffy loves him. Anya mistakenly thinks that Xander is talking about her, and tries to be supportive with her own story of a "friend," but thankfully Buffy gets fed up and sends them to the docks. Willow offers herself and Tara to check out the charred ruins of Sunnydale High, theorizing that Riley might find it "homey" since he's been on the lam there before. Buffy realizes that Riley might find the caves "homey" also, in a "dank unpleasant evil sort of way." Sounds like home to me. Giles pipes up that they "have an associate who knows those caves like the back of his melanin-deprived hand." Buffy isn't in the mood for Spike right now (blasphemer!), partly because he's being a vamp of leisure and "hanging out all day in that moldy crypt. You just know he's doing something nasty."
Something nasty like playing Twenty Questions with Harmony. For some reason, Spike has saved "Is it bigger than a breadbox" for question 17, when everyone knows that's the first question you ask. After determining that the object in question is not smaller than a breadbox and is, in fact, "a sodding breadbox," they're interrupted by more loud raps on the door. Spike helps Harmony hide in a coffin while Buffy finishes breaking in. "I've got a proposition for you," she bellows. "I've got a proposition for you too. How about knocking?" retorts Spike, launching himself off of the coffin, and gets into Buffy's face. He's soon distracted by the "pretty pieces of paper" that Buffy is waving at him. The deal is that if Spike gets Riley to the hospital in time, she'll hand over the cash. "Oh dear," mocks Spike, "is the enormous hall-monitor sick?" Hee! For those of you who are keeping track of such things, she slaps Spike but doesn't punch him the way she did the other week when it was Dawn's life in danger. Spike wants half of the cash up front, and Buffy theatrically rips the stack of bills in half and, after thrusting a wad of them at Spike, turns on her heel to leave. I've always wondered if stores will take money that's taped back together like that. Harmony pokes her head up and asks, "So? What'd she say about me?" Heh.
GI Jughead enters the fourth floor of Sunnydale General to check with the Doctor to see if Riley has arrived. Would they really be performing this procedure at a civilian hospital? Oh heck, like I even have beliefs to suspend after the entire Initiative plotline. Anyway, there's a knock at the door, and Graham opens it to have a dead guard shoved in his face. Enter Harmony and Spike. Spike tosses Harm the crossbow and says to Doc, "You've got a new patient." Ooh! This could get very interesting.
Spike and Harmony are moving the kidnapped Doctor to another location. The doctor is protesting that the operation is complex, and furthermore he's never performed it before. Spike bluffs an order to Harmony to shoot the butterflies in the doctor's stomach. I'm not sure that's such a good idea. Harmony doesn't strike me as intelligent enough to recognize Spike's ruse. The doctor tries to stall by protesting that the facilities are inadequate, but he's cut short by a crossbow bolt embedding itself in the wall behind him. "Oops," says Harmony ruefully, "The string was slippy."
Willow and Tara are searching for Riley among the blackened ruins of SHS. It's dark. Despite being a member of the Scooby Gang for years now, Willow has somehow neglected to bring a flashlight. But that's okay, because instead she's brought some sort of spell in a bottle which fills the hall with a warm, bright glow. Tara looks concerned because she only taught Willow "tiny, Tinkerbell light." Willow admits that she "tinkered" with the spell. Way to go with your hacker roots there, Will. I can just see her starting a 2600 group for Wiccans.
Buffy is searching for Riley in the caves, and finds him...punching the rock wall of the cave. *sigh* This is really why I find his character so tiresome. Buffy tells him in no uncertain terms that she's going to take him to the hospital. Riley tells her to butt out of his business. You see, he's worried that the procedure will leave him "Joe Normal. Just another guy," and he worries that Buffy won't want to date him anymore because he won't be able to measure up to Angel. "You're going to die over some macho pissing contest?" asks an incensed Buffy. Riley replies that the problem is about Buffy "getting stronger every day. More powerful...I can't touch you," he continues. "Every day you're just a little further out of my reach." Ugh. I cannot take this anymore. This could have been a million times more interesting if the writers had chosen to explore Riley's lost sense of purpose after he was discharged, or perhaps focused on how betrayed he must feel by the Initiative's experiments. But this whole angle of Riley pouting because Buffy got a bigger slice of the superpower pie is just too tiresome for words. So. Buffy cries and convinces Riley to go to the hospital. Dammit.
Spike is lying on the operating table while Doctor Chip is rooting through his brain. Harmony prattles on incessantly and asks the Doctor if she can touch Spike's brain. The answer is an emphatic "No!" from both Spike and Doctor Chip. Oh! Ick! They gave him a local anesthetic to remove a chip nestled deep within his BRAIN? They have to drill a hole through his skull for that. ["From what I understand, the brain doesn't have any actual nerve endings, so often doctors let the patient stay awake so they can monitor the patient's responses and make sure they don't 'fix' the wrong thing." -- Sars]
Riley and Buffy enter the neurology center on the fourth floor to find Graham and the guard prone. Riley, despite the fact that he could have a fatal heart attack at any moment, still holds the door for Buffy. Riley rouses Graham, who in response to Riley's question of how many fingers he's holding up, replies, "Seventeen." Beat. "Hostile-17 and a blond girl." Graham asks where Doctor Chip is, and his "acting" is just terrible. He makes Riley look like a good actor. And remember, Riley's been on freakin' Undressed, so that's saying something. Meanwhile, Riley is sweating profusely and looks to be losing his strength. Buffy figures out Spike's plan and orders Graham to contact doctor's offices and veterinarians to try and locate Spike. Buffy emphatically assures Riley that he is not going to die but says that "there is one peroxided pest whose number is up. When I get my hands on Spike I'm gonna rip his head off. I'm gonna..."
"...bathe in the Slayer's blood," continues Spike. Harmony, ciggie in hand, squeals that she can see Spike's chip. Doctor Chip asks Harmony to extinguish her cig, and she gets all, "Says who?" huffy. The Doctor indicates the "no smoking area" sign behind him and Harmony is instantly apologetic: "Oh god. Sorry! Didn't see the sign." Ha! Although she really should've known better. You can't even smoke in Californian bars anymore. Doctor Chip announces that the chip is out. Harmony is joyful, and Spike orders the Doctor to sew him up because he's got a date to get his ass kicked by the Slayer again. Only he doesn't say it quite like that.
Doctor Chip is sewing Spike closed as Spike pontificates about how hungry he is. Doctor Chip looks worried. But here come the wonder twins to save the day. "Slayer!" roars Spike and hops off the gurney. He morphs into his game face and orders Harmony to "suit up." Doctor Chip tries to creep out unnoticed, but Buffy pushes him into a wall and tells him to stick around because he'll be needed soon. Spike tells Buffy the "great news" that he's been dechipped. Buffy: "That means I get to kill you." Spike: "You get to try." It's a tense moment, with Riley and Buffy on one side of the room and Harmony and Spike on the other. Everything is still, each waiting for the other side to make the first move, when Harmony accidentally discharges the crossbow, shooting Riley in the thigh. Riley and Harmony rush at each other. Spike jumps onto the gurney and says with great relish, "At long last," before tackling Buffy. He's got her on the ground and is just about to feed when he rears back, grabbing his head in pain. Buffy throws him off of her and he lands near Doctor Chip, whom he gives a cranky look. Hee! Meanwhile Harmony is holding her own with Riley, so she's obviously been doing her Tae Bo. Riley grabs his chest in pain and falls heavily, taking a metal table down with him. That sound that you hear is the slow rumbling of a building cheer from the Buffy boards. Spike lunges for the instrument table and opens the jar which contains the...penny...that Doctor Chip removed from his head. "I told you I couldn't do it," explains Doctor Chip. Buffy calls frantically for the doctor's attention, and Spike and Harmony take this opportunity to make their exit.
Spike and Harmony hightail it through the graveyard with Spike bitching about Buffy and her "nasty little face, fancy shampoo-commercial hair, and that whole sodding holier-than-thou attitude." Harmony: "Well, aren't we kinda unholy by definition?" Hee! Spike complains that Buffy is picking on him and that he "can't get rid of her." Well, you could try leaving Sunnydale. That seems to have worked the last time.
Dr. Chip finishes patching Riley up, and there's another, much much smaller cheer from the three people who didn't want Riley to die. Can I ask what sort of problem was dire enough to kill Riley yesterday, yet didn't require general anesthesia or the amenities of the neurology ward to fix? Buffy comes in to comfort Riley and reassures him that she's still "touchable." Buffy asks if it's okay for her to go check on Joyce, and Riley agrees - even though he is in far more serious condition than Joyce is. He looks really forlornly after Buffy and then -- this is my favorite part -- they just let Riley up and leave.
So Riley and GI Jughead are walking through the halls of the hospital (which look suspiciously like the halls of certain parts of UC Sunnydale), and GI Jughead tries to convince Riley to reenlist or something. Graham flatlines, "You used to have a mission and now you're what? Mission's boyfriend? Mission's true love? You belong with us." Ugh. Shut up, GI Jerk. Riley just gives him a look and walk out. I'd be interested to know what it is exactly that Graham is doing in the military now. Especially what is keeping him in Sunnydale.
Spike is sitting alone in his crypt when Buffy bursts through the door. They exchange unpleasantries, but then Buffy gets fed up and decides to stake Spike. There's a beat, but then Spike orders her to "do it. Bloody just do it...take me out of the world that has you in it." Ripping his shirt off, "Just kill me." Buffy looks momentarily confused, but then draws her stake back. Spike flinches, and Buffy stops mid-thrust. They give each other a look, and then Spike grabs Buffy and kisses her passionately. After a moment Buffy breaks away and backs off, holding her hand over her mouth a look of disbelief and disgust on her face. She slowly lowers her hand, never taking her eyes off of Spike, and slowly advances on him. Taking his head in her hands, she pulls it to her fiercely, returning his kiss. At this point I clapped my own hand over my mouth, and every muscle in my body went rigid with astonishment. There may have been shrieking noises. Buffy professes her need for Spike. Spike expresses his love for Buffy, and while I collect my eyeballs from the floor, I hear Spike gasp. Sitting up in bed, with Harmony curled beside him, he pants, "Oh God no. Please no."