Previously on Buffy: Buffy has been hitting the hunting vampires thing hard and tells Giles that she needs to know more about where Slayers come from. Didn't Joyce ever have that little talk with Buffy, or at least give her an illustrated book? Xander vows to not be a butt-monkey anymore, and little sister Dawn shows up in Buffy's room.
In a soft voice, Giles tells Buffy, "There is nothing but you. You are the center." I spent an uncomfortable second afraid that all those Buffy/Giles 'shippers were gonna get their wish come true, but the breathy bamboo flutes and the ambient light tip me off that this is some sort of meditation scenario. Still, I don't think there's any call for Giles to tell Little Miss All-About-Me that, well, there's nothing but her. Anyway, Buffy and Giles are in a space we've never seen before with opaque glass windows and gymnastic equipment scattered around. He continues to intone meditative things to the Slayer as she leans over, hands propped on a block and eyes closed. As he tells her to "let the world fall away," Buffy takes a deep breath and executes a handstand on the slightly wobbly block. She holds the position. Random shot of three clear rock-crystals stacked together. Then she slo-mo lifts a hand so that only one arm supports her. So I guess Giles is all Mr. Miyagi and Buffy is executing the Standing Crane kick, but, like, upside down. The bamboo flutes give way to wordless atmospheric singing and nauseating twinkly keyboards. I hate to say it, but the new composer really is a wanker. Buffy holds her position, but then we see a hand drop a fourth crystal onto the others. Buffy loses her concentration and falls; Giles removes his glasses with great exasperation, and Dawn stands over Buffy and brats, "Can we go now?"
Dawn is in her room in the Summers' house, writing in her diary. We hear her entry aloud in voice-over, and it's typical teen angst, but with an "Ooh, double meaning!" edge. "Nobody knows who I am -- not the real me. It's like nobody cares enough to find out." And thus the episode title is born. As she writes, she actually speaks the punctuation out loud, "Underline. Exclamation point! Exclamation point!" Sigh. This could get old, fast. Her voice-over continues bitching about having an older sister who is a Slayer and what a bummer that is and how Dawn could totally save the world if someone "handed [her] superpowers." As this teen blather goes on, we see a wordless scene of Buffy preparing her breakfast; she gets out milk (which seems close to empty), a bowl, and cereal. When she turns her back, Joyce uses some of the milk and Dawn snakes her bowl. Buffy notices her bowl is missing and Dawn tries to look nonchalant. When Buffy turns to get another bowl, Dawn uses the last of the milk. Over more gag-inducing sparkly keyboards, Dawn finishes her whining: "If this town wasn't so lame everyone would completely know what she does. And then I bet they wouldn't even be that impressed, because like, killing things with wood? Oooh, scary vampires -- they die from a splinter." Dawn, annoying little whiner that she is, does have a good point about the denizens of Sunnydale. Joyce asks Buffy what her plans for the day are, and when Buffy replies that she and Giles are headed to the magic shop, Joyce tells her she can take Dawn along for school shopping. Neither Dawn nor Buffy is very happy with this plan, and I myself am appalled by each and every single thing the Summers women are wearing. Buffy is in a moth-eaten T-shirt cut down to a halter top that reveals entire side of her breasts, huge-ass gold hoops, and low-slung metallic disco belt. I blame Sex and the City for this entirely unwelcome Gloria Vanderbilt/Diane von Furstenberg seventies sleaze-wear revival. Joyce is in a long-sleeved animal print blouse buttoned primly all the way up to her neck, with a bizarre and terrifying tiny brown vest over it. Well, it's not even a vest -- it looks more like a left-over scrap of fabric with arm holes poked into it. It closes with a giant diaper pin. Poor, poor Joyce. Dawn has been let off relatively easily, perhaps because the Fashion Nazi hasn't hit her stride with this new character, in a blue and black belly-baring shirt and black pants with a white belt. They should all be sent to their rooms and not allowed to come out until sensibly and aesthetically dressed. Joyce explains that she has an opening at the gallery and thus can't supervise Dawn, and I hope someone increased absent Hank's child-support check to cover this sudden extra daughter.
Buffy and Dawn follow Joyce out into the living room and AHHHH! My eyes! Ooops, sorry, I just saw the bottom of Buffy's outfit, which I can't even find the words to describe. It's a skirt, I suppose. Yes, we'll all sleep easier if we just classify it as a "skirt." The clothes weren't this bad in last week's episode, were they? Damn you, Ace! Anyway, Buffy says there are no school supplies at the magic shop, and Dawn quips, "Yeah Mom, I'm not going to Hogwarts!" Oh, okay -- heh. Buffy rolls her the stink-eye, Dawn tells her to "crack a book sometime," and they begin to bicker. My siblings are considerably older than I am, but my research suggests (okay. Ace told me) that this sort of behavior, although clichéd and trite, is rather realistic between siblings separated by four or five years. Joyce tells Buffy she needs her help and goes to answer the front door. It's Riley, who declares Joyce looks great. I'm really beginning to worry about this little lying problem Riley has developed. First he claims that the Initiative would have information on Dracula and now, even worse, he claims that Joyce's sartorial monstrosity is a "nice outfit." Buffy teases him for brown-nosing and he protests, "'I'm here to violate your first-born' never goes over with parents. I'm not sure why." He beams at Buffy and leans down to give her a kiss, and I start to experience a very strange feeling, a feeling I've never had before. It's -- it's hard to describe but it feels like -- well, it feels like thinking Riley is kinda cute and tall and sweet. Hey! What the hell is going on here? This must be an alternate universe or something. Well, I have a reputation to maintain, so I'll move on. Buffy and Riley smooch in the front hall and Dawn looks on and voice-overs, "Riley, my sister's boyfriend, is so into her. They're always kissing, and groping. I bet they've had sex!" She flicks a speculative eyebrow. Riley tears himself away from Buffy and greets Dawn: "Hey kid." Dawn protests that she's not a kid, but you know she really is, and she looks so genuinely fourteen years old that she's making the Buffster look about thirty. If all those stories we've heard about SMG are true, I'm surprised she let them cast a younger woman on the show. You know, there's only so much Maybelline can do for you. Buffy and Riley settle on the couch, where it's revealed that Riley thought they had plans to hang out but Buffy forgot. Riley is very relaxed about getting the brush-off in favor of "Slayer-shopping," but Buffy has to ruin the moment and attempt to hand him her spine by whining, "Are you mad at me?" Riley replies, "No, not at all. I'm plotting your death, but in a happy way." Ha! And I repeat, what the hell is going on here? What Buffyverse is this with its little sisters and appealing Rileys? Spooky. Riley and his Boyzone haircut depart.
A red convertible BMW drives down a sunny street. Giles is driving and telling Buffy that Riley most likely understands her need to train. As he talks, a hand darts from the back seat to change the radio station, and Giles interrupts himself to chide Dawn to "stop fiddling with the radio and sit down!" Dawn voice-overs that Giles doesn't seem to like her much, most likely because (and here I predict to myself: "old") he's old. Like, ha ha. Not. Buffy looks over a list and inquires if any of the books on it "come on tape." Giles asks if she's truly committed, and Buffy replies she was just kidding, which was pretty damn obvious. Did that stick up your butt come with the car, Giles? The car makes a grinding noise; apparently Giles is used to a standard transmission and has put the car into neutral. He complains about it, and Buffy asks, "Giles, are you breaking up with your car?" "Well, it did seduce me -- all red and sporty," protests Giles, to which Buffy replies, "Little two-door tramp!" Then Buffy refers to Giles's car choice as "shallow," and he attempts to tell her that she needs to treat him with respect since he is again her Watcher. Honestly, what has Giles been smoking in all his lonely hours? Buffy has never respected him! She's not going to start now. But we all know she truly loves him. Awww, group hug. Ahem, back to the snark.
Dawn spots Willow and Tara exiting the Expresso Pump, and Giles gets a happy that he'll be able to show off his new car. Hellos, car admiration, and Willow gives Dawn a hug, calling her "Dawny" and being extra sweet. Dawn voice-overs (accompanied by a shot of her scribbling in her diary) that she likes Willow and her friend Tara a lot. She continues that Willow and Tara are witches and "do spells," which made me laugh after Xander and Oz's scene in "Restless," and then Dawn continues, "I told Mom one time I wished they'd teach me some of the things they do together and, and then she got really quiet and made me go upstairs. Huh. I guess her generation isn't cool with witchcraft." Snicker. But I got the impression last week that Joyce didn't know about Willow and Tara's "naughty" secret. Everybody heads off for the magic store, and Buffy explains to Willow about her new Slayer-training schedule. Willow is totally supportive and happy about Buffy's "work ethic" until Buffy tells her she won't be taking drama class with her that semester. Willow protests, Buffy tries to blame Giles, and Willow replies, "To hell with Giles!" Giles, who is standing right there, cranks, "I can hear you, Willow." I love me some cranky Giles. Behind them, Tara is peering into the magic shop window and then tells them that it's dark inside. They enter to find the shop set much larger and fancier than it was last season, but what I guess actually catches their attention is the fact that the place has been ransacked. Buffy, Tara, Giles, Willow, and Dawn slowly enter and call for the owner. Willow proceeds on ahead and trips over something -- the shop owner, dead on the floor with bite marks on his neck. Buffy quickly hustles Dawn outside, over her protests. Buffy demands that she wait outside, and Dawn sighs, sulks, and tries to peer in at the action. She's surprised by a rumpled, unshaven man who demands, "Whatcha doing?" He advances on her, saying she shouldn't loiter, and continues, "That's why I'm a cat! Quiet!" Dawn backs up against a panel van as the guy gets all in her personal space and continues his crazy talk about cats, cupboards, and pain. He shushes her and says, "I know you. Curds and whey. I know what you are. You don't belong here." Dawn looks anguished.
Back from commercial, and Tara exits the store and comes around the corner to find Dawn sitting on the sidewalk. Okay, I have to admit that I figured Dawn was going to get kidnapped into that panel van the crazy cat guy had her backed up against. I watch too many cheesy action movies on the USA network, I guess. Tara asks Dawn if she's okay, and replies in the affirmative when Dawn asks if the shopkeeper is dead. Tara sits down and explains that "non-Scoobies" like herself and Dawn should not get in the way of the investigation. They sit quietly, and then Tara inquires, with her ever-anxious expression, "Do you want to thumb-wrestle?" They thumb-wrestle.
Inside the Magic Box, the gang determines that at least four vampires fed on the storekeeper, and somehow jump to the conclusion that a new vamp gang is in town. Willow has apparently been looking over the inventory and informs everyone that some items have been stolen, mostly books, one of them about Slayers. Giles inspects the register and gets all capitalist-pig about the high profit margins the shop brings in. As he surveys the property and gushes about the location, Buffy reminds him that the store is a "death trap." Buffy plans to get Riley to help her patrol until Willow reminds her that she's supposed to be watching Dawn. Giles wanders away, mumbling about "square footage," and I think I see where this is headed. A mole with cataracts could see where this is headed. "I bet the death rate keeps the rent down," Giles calls out, and then notices that something has been stolen out of one of the display cases. Willow determines that it was a $12.95 "ten-inch ceramic unicorn imported from Thailand." Giles crinkles his brow in curiosity and asks, "What kind of unholy creature fancies cheap, tasteless statuary?"
Survey says: Harmony. The ditzy bloodsucker is in her lair, wearing a sequined tank top and gold lamé pants (is Bette Midler her fashion idol?), and giving her band of "minions" a hand for their raid on the magic shop. She also gushes that someone "remembered to pick [her] up the sweetest little unicorn" and cradles the statuette in question. Two of the minions, clad in leather, roll their eyes at another vamp wearing an orange T-shirt. Brad, who apparently stood Harmony up in the tenth grade, shrugs and explains, "I had to get her something. She sired me." One of the leather vamps grouses to the other, "Sire-whipped." Harmony declares that she's been "skimming through the book jackets" of the books they brought her and has learned some interesting things. Leather-clad minion Cyrus, special friend of leather-clad minion Peaches, a vamp of indeterminate gender, asks: "When are we gonna do it?" and Harmony gets all offended and disgusted. I don't think she needs to worry, because I get the vibe that Cyrus is doing Peaches. Whether that's gay or non-gay vampire love is a more difficult call. The large, burly fourth vamp, Mort, explains they want to know when they will do the plan. Harmony declares, "Tonight. We kill the Slayer tonight."
Dawn writes in her journal as Joyce rips Buffy a new one for taking her sister to a murder scene. Buffy tries to defend herself, but she shouldn't have to. I mean, what did Joyce think would happen when she sent Dawn off with the Slayer? Trouble doesn't need a road map, a compass, or even a nudge in the general direction to find that girl. Joyce chides Buffy for wanting to ditch Dawn to "go out" with Riley, but Buffy protests they are going out to patrol, not to a "sock hop." "Sock hop"? Buffy needs to stop hanging out with Anya and her out-dated teen-speak. All-about-me really runs in the family, because Joyce declares she must be at the gallery in half an hour and "who is going to watch Dawn?" From the other room, Dawn calls that she doesn't need watching, and I have to agree, because at her age I myself was a babysitter and raking in the big bucks, let me tell you. But Joyce and Buffy both seem to think that Dawn needs a babysitter. Mommy, I'm frightened and I want to go home. This Buffyverse is a strange and sometimes off-putting place. Little sisters, appealing Rileys, Giles in red sports cars and now Joyce, who just last week was allowing her nineteen-year-old daughter to boff her boyfriend in the house, thinks that her fourteen-year-old needs a baby-sitter. Add in that she also thought sending a fourteen-year-old anywhere with the Slayer was good idea, and things are definitely skewed. Ignoring Dawn's protests from the other room, Buffy suggests Xander. Oh yeah, that guy. I was wondering what happened to him. Dawn rushes in from the other room and agrees to be baby-sat by Xander.
Cut to Dawn, eating ice cream and complaining to Xander and Anya about Buffy always getting her own way. We get it already -- each one thinks she's getting a raw deal and the other sibling has it easier. As he plays Life with Anya, Xander assures Dawn that her mother loves her equally, and teases her a little about paying Joyce to be the favorite. Dawn voice-overs crush talk about Xander and concludes that she feels that sometimes he sees her as a woman. This statement is accompanied by a shot of Dawn looking moony with chocolate ice cream all over her face. I'm glad to see the show willing to skewer her a little, because she's just on the verge of being a little too much to bear. More Dawn mocking, please! As Dawn shovels in the frozen dessert, Anya bitches that she's "burdened with a husband, several tiny pink children, more cash than I can reasonably manage," but brightens up when Xander tells her that means she's winning. Anya then cracks me up by wanting to "trade in the children for more cash." A rock crashes through the window, wrapped in a note that reads, "Slayer! Come out and die," in large curly cursive. The "i" in "die" is dotted with a large happy face. Outside are Harmony and her four boys -- or rather her three boys and one follower of yet-to-be-determined gender -- armed to the gills. Seconds later, Xander leans in the doorway of the Summers' home and informs Harmony that Buffy isn't home and that she and her buddies will have to "come back and be killed by Buffy later." When Harmony explains that the other vampires are her "minions," Xander has a good laugh and then mocks the vamp, Brad, who used to beat him up in gym class for ending up as Harmony's "lapdog." Harmony snarks that she heard Xander himself was "a good little puppy for Dracula," which causes Dawn, cowering in the hall behind Anya, to shout, "Shut up!" Xander tells Dawn he's handling the situation and then snaps, "Shut up, Harmony!" They bicker about the little slap-fight they had last season, and when Harmony calls Xander a "hair-puller," Dawn shouts, "Oh yeah, come inside and say that! Xander will kick your --" Anya clamps down on Dawn's mouth, but too late, as Harmony morphs into her game face and rushes into the house, slamming Xander to the ground.
Harmony sits astride Xander, struggling getting the better of him, as Dawn scrambles upstairs. Harmony's gang of losers all try to rush inside to help, but are stopped by the mystical force that prevents their entry. Idiots. Anya rushes around looking for a weapon while Harmony punches Xander. She turns just in time to flail a fist that connects with Anya, who was planning on breaking a cheap ceramic lamp on her head. While she's preoccupied, Xander pushes her out the door with his feet and slams the door. Harmony warns them that she'll be back. Xander and Anya slide down the door to the floor, and Xander predicts that this news isn't going to please Buffy.
Cut to Buffy in the kitchen cracking up over the fact that Harmony has minions. Chomp, chomp, chomp. There goes the kitchen cabinet! This is just a tragic reminder that scenery chewing can happen to anyone. Be prepared. I too find the concept of Harmony having minions laughable. Usually one has to have superior strength or intelligence, charisma, or even just a whole lot of money to get people to follow you. Harmony has none of those things. Pardon me while I try to work this out. Brad obviously wants to get in Harmony's tacky gold lamé pants. Peaches and Cyrus are a possibly gay couple, which might make them outcasts in vampire society -- those vamps can be such intolerant bastards, I tell ya. This leaves Mort who sort of looks like an adult Adam Rich hopped up on 'roids and growth hormone. And really, living as a soulless creature of the night is pretty much all that's left for most former child actors. Anyway, Xander tells Buffy that there's a more serious side to all of this, but when he reminds her that Harmony came to kill her, Buffy dissolves further into her eighth-grade-play giggles. Riley, also bursting with laughter, eggs her on by saying that Harmony's gang has killed before and that perhaps they should take her seriously. And why is Riley laughing, anyway? Has he even ever met Harmony? "Especially now she can enter your house anytime she wants," breaks in Anya. This stops Buffy cold. Xander explains that Harmony cadged an invitation. Buffy: "You guys can't invite her in. Only someone who lives here can..." Realization dawning (geddit?). "...where is she?" Xander, Riley, and Anya all try to convince Buffy to go easy on Dawn, but Buffy isn't having it and heads upstairs. You know Buffy's out of line when Anya is the voice of reason.
Harmony and her gang are walking home, defeated. Harmony is blathering on about how embarrassing it all is. "Who're you growling at?" asks Peaches of Cyrus. He says it's his stomach, and then starts complaining of low blood sugar. Well, now we know that hypoglycemia is a tragic disease that doesn't discriminate against the undead. Peaches suggests going and draining the census taker they have back at the lair (heh), but Brad says that he "wants some action." Boom! Brad hits the ground. "Happy to oblige," says Spike. "Step on up, kiddies. Thrashings for all." Peaches and Cyrus go for Spike, but Harmony calls them off. Spike looks surprised to see Harmony. They exchange greetings and then Big Ol' Mort demands to know why Harmony is talking to Spike. She starts to introduce them, but Mort cuts her off with, "I know who he is. He kills our kind." "Oh yeah," remembers Harmony. "What's up with that?" Spike tells Mort to "piss off," and Mort gets all growly. Harmony shoos him off and informs Spike that "some of us are thinking of voting him out of the gang." Because vampire gangs have long been a bastion of the democratic process. Spike expresses disdain at Harmony's fan club, and Harmony is very full of herself when she tells Spike that she's going to kill the Slayer. "Singing my song now, are you? You should pay me royalties for that one," retorts Spike. Harmony says that she's been doing research, "reading books and stuff." Spike: "What? Evil for Dummies?" Ha! Harmony is exactly their target market. The rest of the world has too much self-esteem to pick up a book that insults its consumer. Spike circles her and says that it's "adorable" that Harmony thinks she's the new "Big Bad." Harmony protests that she has a plan, but Spike quickly dismisses it as, "Let me guess. Snatch one of her friends. Use them as bait. Lead her into a trap. That sort of thing?" Harmony bluffs that her plan is "much, much better." Spike gives her a look and then tells her to "let [him] know how this arch-villain thing works out for you." To his retreating figure, Harmony yells, "I'll do that. And after Buffy's gone, I'm gonna kill everyone in this town that was ever mean to me. Spike!"
In his crypt, Spike is banging on the telly, trying to get better reception. In bursts Buffy, who quickly punches Spike in the nose and demands that he tell her where Harmony is holed up. After another punch, Spike crumbles and reveals that she has a cave in the north woods. Buffy punches him again anyway. "I was telling you the truth," grits Spike. "I know," says Buffy nonchalantly on her way out.
Harmony is pacing in front of a still-chained Dawn, whining about how her fang gang doesn't respect her. Geez! Just bite the poor girl already. There's no reason to torture her. Harmony's tirade is interrupted by the appearance of said gang. Mort tells Harmony that the gang (except for Brad, who abstained) has a new plan, which is to "feed on the girl and kill [Harmony]. Maybe not in that order." Harmony orders the rest of the gang to kill Mort for her, but when they only stand still, Mort advances on her and she sputters excuses. He grabs her by the neck and begins choking her. Cyrus approaches Dawn, who warns him, "Touch me and my sister is going to kill you." He extends a single finger and barely touches her shoulder as they all start cackling. Until a flying fatality embeds itself, uh, fatally into his chest and he poofs into dust. Everyone gapes in surprise. "Can't say she didn't warn him," cracks Buffy. Buffy tells Dawn to close her eyes, and Harmony greets Buffy with, "So Slayer. At last we meet." "We've met, Harmony. You halfwit," retorts Buffy. Peaches and Brad rush Buffy, but they're quickly dispatched. Buffy insults Harmony while Mort creeps up behind her. Buffy and Mort proceed to have the lamest fight in the history of this show, and if you've seen the pilot, that's saying something. Seriously, I've seen more thrilling fights after school in junior high. Eventually, Mort is brought down by Harmony's bad taste as he's impaled on a unicorn's horn. Buffy strides over to Dawn, having picked up Peaches's axe on the way, and frees her as they bicker about who's going to tattle to Joyce first.
At the Summers' home, Buffy and Dawn arrive mere moments before Joyce. In response to Joyce's queries, Buffy lies and says that everything went fine. Dawn heads up to bed.
"Buffy probably would have gotten in way more trouble than me anyway," writes Dawn at the magic shop. She wraps up the loose plot points, and then the camera shifts to focus on Buffy and Giles. Buffy worries that Giles isn't up to the task of running the shop, what with the high mortality rate and a lack of business experience. "I was a librarian for years. This is exactly the same, except people pay for the things they never return." Ha! Oh, and please ignore my pile of overdue books in the corner. Besides, Giles has to start paying off that Beemer -- I don't think a Watcher's severance package is that generous. Giles continues, "And it will prevent you lot from trampling all over my flat at all hours." Giles proceeds to the back of the store as Buffy comments that he must have been exceedingly bored last year. "I watched Passions with Spike. Let us never speak of it," reveals Giles. Bwa! Buffy follows him around the corner into the back, but has to come back two or three times to micromanage Dawn some more. Dawn voice-overs, "She still thinks I'm little miss nobody. Just her dumb little sister. Boy is she in for a surprise." Typical teen posturing or nefarious double meaning? We'll see in the weeks to come. And I hope Giles renames the shop. I mean, The Magic Box?