Buffy the Vampire Slayer S04E01

Hello, boring credits. Wee blue names on a black background? Not a good sign. Buffy crosses a street diagonally -- hmm, a sign of an independent, does her own thing character or a sign that film crews are keeping back the hordes of cars ready to mow her skinny ass down? Also, she's wearing a tight gold strappy camisole with a cardigan and what can only be described as knickers -- too long for shorts and too short for capri pants. Fashion Tip: Unless you are trapped in Colonial Virginia, knickers are always a "don't."

She enters an open-air food market as someone calls her Amanda and throws her an apple. She calls him Ben, she calls a stall girl Molly -- with that little we learn that she's friendly, she's sweet, she's a brunette, she's on a first-name basis with the stall peons, everyone loves Bufmanda. She moves to another stall, where a semi-cute guy tells her he's sorry about her closing and wonders what she'll do now. Amuffy is confused and denies the closing. Then Amanfy spies an empty basket and asks, "Hey! Where'd my portobellos go?" I wonder when she bought the food stall and made those her portobellos, since she had yet to ask about them. Then I realize that she meant "my portobellos" as in "I am Buffy, it's all about me." Clearly, she's Buffy with a dark rinse, and I'm not going to bother with the Amandafied names anymore. Surprisingly, some other chef bought the portobellos. That happens so rarely at food markets, no wonder she was surprised. She looks over to Other Chef, who is in a crowd that includes Sean Patrick Flanery (hereafter SPF) wearing a dark suit with a white shirt and white tie. That is just forty-seven kinds of wrong. Unless the costumer was a big fan of Powder and wanted to subtly refer to SPF's most famous role. A random guy in a Bermuda hat tells Buffy that it's good she's seen him. She says she doesn't know him, and Bermuda Guy says not the bad chef, but rather SPF. She says, "I don't remember seeing you here before, are you always here?" Just in case we forget that it's her personal food market and no one but she is allowed to hang out there in bad fashion, acting overly friendly to strangers. Bermuda Guy says he comes only when necessary, it's a long trip. I agree vehemently -- any place where Bermuda hats are standard should be a long way from any normal street. Bermuda Guy tries to sell Buffy crabs; she refuses and walks away, but two steps later he's back in front of her. She's rather blas about this, or hasn't learned how to portray "confusion" yet. Bermuda Guy throws out some tired axiom about winds and doors, then says her mother wants her to live up to her potential. She tells him her mother is dead while the credits tell us that Todd Oldham designed her wardrobe. Todd, honey, I love you and all your wackiness but even you can't justify the knickers. And who tells intimate life details like dead mothers to crab-bearing strangers in bad hats? Buffy trapped in plot exposition during the credits, that's who.

Bermuda Guy tells her not to ignore her dead mother, then asks for $59 for the barrel of crabs. Buffy immediately pulls out a wad of cash to buy them. Forty-five seconds ago she knew better than to get crabs from strangers, and now she wants them? Buffy crawls under a table after a loose crab. Who crawls on a dirty street after one lousy crab while wearing Todd Oldham knickers? Buffy on her way to a plot-contrivance meeting with SPF, that's who. She reaches out with a "Gotcha!" and grabs SPF's leg, which I must point out looks not at all crab-like. No wonder she's wearing knickers; she's blind.

Okay, I admit it. In fourth grade, my mother made me wear khaki-green knickers with a white prairie blouse, as well as white tights and brown shoes. Plus I had a really short boy haircut at the time. I looked like the bastard love child of Melissa Gilbert and George Washington. I remain traumatized twenty-two years later. I'll move on now.

Buffy apologizes and warns SPF that something is about to crawl up his leg. He gives a wicked sexy chuckle, clearly wishing she'd crawl up his anything. Mmm, SPF is hot even in white on white. The crab pinches SPF's leg, so Buffy lamely apologies and explains that the crab is going to be lunch in her restaurant, that she's making "something, something very, umsomething Napoleonic. Crab Napoleon." What. Ever. No one who ever cooked anything came anywhere near the script. I watch the Food Network twenty-seven hours a day, and I checked their web site, and "Napoleon" refers to layered desserts. Not even that idiot Bobby Flay would make Crab Napoleon. Anyway, SPF openly laughs at this lame-ass idea, and Buffy counters that he doesn't look like he's in the restaurant business because he's wearing a suit. I think they're supposed to be flirting. Also, is her personal open-air food market only for restaurant people? Snob. He says he's opening a restaurant, and they say goodbye while Buffy tries to look winsome and attractive. Even I must admit she's cute, but SPF is cuter. Bermuda Guy reappears with her barrel of crabs, says goodbye, tosses her the change, and disappears. Again, Buffy does "unconvincingly confused."

At Buffy's restaurant, she tells an older lady that she's had a weird morning. Aunt Stella (a.k.a. the older lady) doesn't know Bermuda Guy. Buffy shares that someone told her he was sorry they are closing. Apparently, even though they want to keep Buffy's mom's restaurant open, evil landlord upped the rent $5,000 a month (huh?), and they'll have to close after seventy years. Was Buffy's mom fifty when she was born? Then Aunt Stella throws out the same wind/door axiom and blows us out of this boring scene, thank god.

Cut to a fancy department store, where SPF is giving a press conference about their soon-to-open new restaurant, Jonathan's. It is established that SPF spent four million dollars on a seventy-five-seat restaurant, but he cockily says that "it's not a gamble if you have the right ingredients." First, don't mix metaphors, SPF, I want to like you. Second, four million? Are the chairs solid gold? If so, do they undulate and twirl around to classic hits of the eighties while dressed to titillate pre-teen boys nationwide? Are tickets still available, because that sounds much more entertaining than this movie.

Lois, the very thin assistant to SPF, tells him that "a very thin girl is in [his] office." Hi, Lois, this is the pot -- you're a skeleton. Frankly, the combined weight of the entire cast, including the trim SPF, is ninety-eight pounds, and we should only be thankful we can't see the outline of anyone's skull as none of them is part of the cast of Friends. The girl is Chris -- Amanda Peet in a gray suit with a fugly ruffled lavender blouse that should have been burned in 1982. Maybe she stole it from one of the Solid Gold chairs. Yeesh, Amanda Peet does look like an equine man (tm manimal). Chris says she "downloaded [her] schedule onto [his] computer," and I raspberry so loudly at script writers who think they know that hip new computer lingo that my cat rushes in from the other room to find out what's going on. Chris leaves, and SPF whines about meshing schedules, as he was planning to end the relationship at lunch because his spreadsheet shows no happiness after three dates. SPF, maybe if you spent less time with your spreadsheet and more time with the girl, you wouldn't be stuck in man-afraid-of-commitment stereotype land. Lois says maybe the problem is his paper airplanes -- he's obsessed with breaking Howard Hughes' longest paper airplane flight record. Whatever. If this is supposed to be his offbeat, endearing characteristic, it's totally doing nothing for me and I really don't see how it would be the downfall of a relationship. Unless he was only aroused by the frisky use of paper airplanes, which I think would seem rather mild to anyone who has seen Sex and the City.

Back in Buffy Restaurant, she's talking with her sous chef, Nolan, while making a sauce and wearing the gold camisole from the street scene. With her hair completely down and armpits exposed. That has to violate at least two health codes. Maybe Todd should buy Buffy a T-shirt or chef's jacket that won't be ruined upon contact with food. Or a damn apron. Better yet, she should sell this unbelievably expensive wardrobe and save the restaurant. Nolan tries the sauce, and it bites. Buffy goes out front to serve her lousy food to the mildly wacky set of regulars who are very upset when told the restaurant is closing. Apparently the regulars have no taste buds, but they love Buffy and she loves them back. Lest we forget that she's just a regular girl everybody loves, as established a mere two scenes ago.

Cut to SPF and Chris getting into a cab, then back to a tearful Buffy outside the restaurant, with a wet-look she didn't have in the last scene. SPF and Chris pull up in the cab, but they aren't where they wanted to go, and Bermuda Guy is the cabbie that abandons them there. That's utterly believable and convenient and not at all contrived, no sirree Bob. SPF spies Buffy but calls out, "You!" which makes me snicker. Chris snottily asks Buffy where another restaurant is. Buffy directs them, but SPF wants to stay and eat the crab that pinched him. Chris snottily asks to see a menu. Chris, I don't like Buffy either, but women who look like men shouldn't condescend to cute women who look like girls. Twelve-year-old girls, true, but she's still beating you in the femme race.

After SPF and Chris are seated, Buffy freaks out in the kitchen because SPF is there and she can't cook. She wants him to stay, but Nolan points out she'll have to actually cook something edible and suggests using her mom's recipes. Which she keeps upstairs. In her private residence. I'm no Julia Child, but perhaps this restaurant is tanking because they keep the recipes a flight of stairs away from the kitchen?

A crab crawls out of the barrel as Buffy returns to the kitchen, having forgotten the recipes but wearing her mom's earrings. Why was she looking in the jewelry box for recipes? Again, seems pretty standard to keep the recipes in the kitchen. In, I don't know, a recipe box, maybe. God, this movie makes less sense than a Dan Quayle speech.

Buffy goes out to take SPF and Chris's orders, then throws a little snit back in the kitchen because she hates girls like that. I guess she means girls that are really men. Nolan says Chris is perfect, with every strand of hair in place, glowing skin, and numerous other good qualities that Amanda Peet doesn't actually posses. Buffy disagrees and declares that she too could have perfect hair, glowing skin, and all of Chris's other great attributes. Nolan goes on about how perfect Chris is, while Buffy gets all angry and declares that SPF couldn't be happy with someone as perfect as Chris and that Chris will self-destruct. While ranting, she whacks the hell out of a chicken breast with a meat tenderizer, and I refrain from pointing out that she wants to flatten the chicken, not shred it. But then I remember she keeps her recipes upstairs in jewelry box and is supposed to be a bad cook, and that it's completely in character for her to ruin the chicken by ineptitude or because she's overwrought. I hope I'm not giving the script writer too much credit here.

Buffy declares she will make perfect Crab Napoleon without a recipe and inquires if the crabs are cooked. Nolan says they are dead, even though there hasn't been enough time to boil the water, let alone kill the crabs. Jeez, all they need is Emeril Lagasse yelling "BAM!" every two minutes to make this the worst kitchen ever.

Back at the table, Chris points out how empty the restaurant is while Aunt Stella uses some contraption stolen from the set of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang to make a martini using only a marble, and it has nothing to do with the rest of the movie at all. Aunt Stella is wacky too, apparently, or a big fan of Dick Van Dyke. Why the hell is everyone wacky in this movie? Why aren't I watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang instead? That's a good movie and it's got Benny Hill. I love me some Benny Hill.

Back in the kitchen, Buffy wishes she could make something really great just once, and goes off on a thesaurus rant about all the words for "yummy," and magically food is on the plate and Nolan goes to serve it. SPF starts his break-up speech, but is interrupted by Chris fawning all over him about how great things are going. SPF takes a bite of the magical crab and is in heaven, while Chris takes a bite of the abused chicken and starts choking. She then randomly says, "You're such a controlling asshole," and slaps her hand over her mouth. Hee, that was actually kind of funny. Amanda Peet's face is all cartoony in this scene. But it's a manly cartoon with unruly sideburns. SPF goes on about how good the crab is, while Chris dumps him because she has perfect hair and skin, which is wasted on SPF. Actually, I believe SPF is vitally important to maintaining perfect skin. Chris declares her hatred of the restaurant and starts breaking dishes while repeating Buffy's chicken-torturing speech verbatim. But Chris inserts a manly burp and paints SPF's face with mashed potatoes and generally does a great job of acting wacked out but snobbish. This is entertaining, but everyone in this movie really is wacky and it's pissing me off. SPF is confused but doesn't really care, as the crab is so good. Chris starts tossing plates around the room and then leaves.

SPF apologizes for Chris and the following exchange takes place:

SPF: What was in this? My name is Tom by the way. Dill?
Buffy: Tom Dill?
SPF: Bartlett. Did you use dill?
Buffy: Like the pear?
SPF: Send me the bill. Heh, rhymes with dill.

This kills me. Their rhythm is good and it makes me giggle. Of course, SPF is so damn cute he could recite the periodic table of elements with that smirk and crack me up. Plus it would be vastly more entertaining and far better written than this movie. "It's elemental, dear Watson, you'll love this movie," the reviews would read.

With a last big bite and some further off-kilter banter, SPF gives Buffy his card to contact him about the dishes, and he cutes his way out the door and straight into the store and a discussion with Lois. He tells her Chris freaked out and dumped him, which normally would upset him but the crab was so good he doesn't care. Then they insert dialogue concerning a really lame subplot involving Lois being in love with the store owner, who is a real doofus. SPF is not in most of the Lois/Doofus scenes, so I shall waste no more keystrokes than necessary on it.

Cut to inside SPF's restaurant, which is apparently just an empty room. The storeowner, Doofus, complains that the restaurant doesn't look like a restaurant; it looks a stage from an MGM musical. I cringe, as I know that this is a clumsy foreshadowing of a bad dancing scene. Actually, two bad dancing scenes. Neither of which contain the best dance-scene line ever, "No one puts Baby in a corner." So already you know those scenes will suck. Anyway, SPF says it creates a fantasy and will be the grandest restaurant in New York. More Lois/Doofus idiocy, which ends with Doofus declaring, "I like you, Lois. You're like a man, you think with your nuts." Heh. Lois is not flattered, and I suggest that Doofus get his eyes checked, as he's clearly confusing Lois with Amanda Peet. ["Not to mention confusing this dialogue with dialogue appropriate to the latter half of the twentieth century. Like, shut up, Doofus." -- Sars]

Back at the restaurant, Buffy dreams of making complicated recipes from over-sized coffee table books. Then we are subjected to scenes of Buffy making some sort of clair-type thingy with honey on top. She's still wearing the same stupid gold strappy top, but now with braids in her hair as a concession to the need for a chef to have at least a passing familiarity with proper hygiene. I would kill for any of Willow's silly T-shirts and maxi skirts to land on Buffy right now. Cut to Nolan going upstairs to Buffy's charming and antique-filled apartment. Perhaps if she hocked those antiques, she could bail out not only the restaurant but also several small, starving Third World countries. By the way, I'm fairly certain that the writer intended Nolan's role to be the funny, charming gay best friend a la George in My Best Friend's Wedding. But apparently the casting director felt the film needed racial diversity and cast a "Joey from Friends as a black guy" type. No one told the writer, so the dialogue didn't get completely adjusted. It's weird as hell, because he dispenses wardrobe and relationship advice while playing with dolls. Anyway, Buffy is off to get plates from SPF, and Nolan tells her that guys are interested in sex, sports, cars, and money, and that men think about sex two hundred and thirty eight times a day according to Dateline. Also, every time a man adjusts his belt, he's thinking about sex. Or his pants are falling down. Depends on whether or not the man buys into sweeping generalizations of his entire gender.

Buffy walks into the store in a flowery sundress with a long pink patterned duster coat over it, lots of necklaces, and upswept hair. I seriously covet this outfit, but there's no way the character could afford it. Also, she is carrying an old-lady pocketbook that totally ruins the whole ensemble. Inside, SPF helps with a product display, and Buffy knocks it down while looking for him. Don't forget that she's a regular, clumsy, loveable girl with a designer wardrobe. SPF cutes his way over, and they engage in flirty but awkward banter about shopping and replacing plates. Buffy asks if all the elevators go to four, and I sympathize, as I've said things just that stupid to guys I like before. SPF goes with her, and they engage in flirty banter amongst the china. SPF knows the names of the china patterns -- maybe it's part of his restaurant starter role? Maybe he got some of gay sidekick's stereotyped dialogue? Maybe this movie makes no sense? I'll take door number three, Monty. SPF makes a comment about Buffy's outfit being bold, and she explains that to eliminate a necklace would have taken another half an hour. Wait, is she a loveable regular girl or a fashion-obsessed Barbie doll? Someone call the character development police. Clothing talk reveals that SPF doesn't wear a belt, which eventually leads to Buffy revealing the statistic from Nolan about how many times a day men think about sex, all so she can seductively say, "One good sexual thought takes at least twenty minutes." SPF is intrigued, but he has to go to a meeting, so he offers to walk her out. Buffy comments on his paper airplane, and they bond over being paper airplane geeks. Good God, I thought being a thirty-one-year-old woman who plays Pokmon with her husband every night was geeky, but that airplane thing is far worse. Or so I like to tell myself. Buffy gives SPF the dessert he didn't get at lunch; he eats it in the elevator, is overcome by how good it is, and feeds some to Buffy. As she declares that she's feeling "sorta loopy," he drags her off to see his restaurant.

The restaurant is still under construction, with bare concrete floors and drywall tape visible. Kicky dance music starts up out of nowhere, and Buffy stiffly motions to SPF to come over. They start to dance, and through the magic of her food are suddenly transported to the finished restaurant. It does look like something out of an MGM musical -- wavy black and white lines on the floor, a band behind an opaque curtain. Eventually they come back to reality when Doofus shows up with the investors. They stare into each other's eyes, and she lamely asks SPF out, then leaves.

Scenes of Buffy cooking, intercut with scenes of her suddenly bustling restaurant, intercut with scenes of SPF daydreaming of the dancing. This leads to a pointless scene of SPF reassuring Doofus that the restaurant will be a big hit. The only good point about the scene is that SPF is cuter than the sixth toe on each of my cat's front paws.

Back at Buffy's restaurant, she's freaking out about when SPF will call while cooking and wearing another camisole as a shirt. Dear Buffy, no one wants to eat Crab Napoleon garnished with your armpit sweat. Signed, Every Restaurant Patron Ever.

Back at SPF's office, Lois tells him that the rumor mill has him and Buffy doing it like they do on the Discovery Channel in the restaurant. He says they were just dancing and gets all mushy over Buffy. Buffy calls him and asks him to eat at the restaurant that night, and he lies that he has a dinner meeting but might stop by after. Buffy cooks, as we see that the restaurant is overflowing with patrons. SPF runs out of the store with a big potted plant he stole from a display. At the end of the night, Buffy pays Nolan in cash. Apparently he's a waiter and a sous chef. Or she's avoiding the taxman. Tsk tsk tsk. Also, even though it's the same night, she's wearing a different shirt. But it's another freaking camisole shirt with no sleeves. Are they trying to make my eyes pop out of my head? How hard is it to figure out that cooks should not expose their armpits? Buffy locks up the restaurant as SPF walks up and gives her the plant, which is apparently a vanilla orchid. Outside, away from the food, Buffy has a long-sleeved shirt on over the camisole. Do they make chocolate orchids, and can I get a gross metric ton stat to get me through the rest of this idiocy? They go inside, and she cooks him dessert. But first she strips down to the camisole! I bang my head against the wall and whimper as she adds vanilla orchid petals to the instantly created dessert sauce. An apparently tasty Fog of Seductive Desserts floats out of the pot, they kiss and sink to the floor. It is implied that they have sex, and I count four hundred and sixty-two additional violations of the health code.

Back at work the day, Buffy makes more dessert pastries. Wearing the same gold camisole from the beginning of the movie, and braids again. In fact, it is merely additional scenes from the same cooking session. My husband, atticus, insists that it's supposed to be a flashback that explains why SPF spends the scene chasing down a box of these pastries and stealing them from two of the wacky regulars. But I maintain they were merely too lazy to film another scene, and we are supposed to believe she made new desserts that are so compelling to SPF because she was standing on the violated floor while making them. Lois sneaks in and eats the pastry before SPF can, and he goes on about how much he digs Buffy, but how freaky it was due to the magic cloud and dancing. Lois convinces him that he has to break it off with Buffy because he's so into her. She was trying to convince him to commit back at the beginning of the movie, but whatever, there are more plot holes in this movie than acres in Dawson Leery's forehead. Later that night at the busy restaurant, SPF shows up to break it off, but Buffy is too busy cooking while wearing the fourth inappropriate strappy top of the movie. SPF helps serve, and they chitchat alone afterwards. Oh, and the crab from the beginning is lurking around, because Buffy thinks he's special. She peels an apple and the peel floats down oddly. They discuss the fog and the band and how it's slightly wigging them, and then kiss. As they kiss, they float upwards until their heads hit the ceiling as Buffy murmurs that she loves him. SPF freaks and yells at Buffy, which harshes her gig, and she floats down. SPF is trapped against the charming patterned tin ceiling and demands to be let down. Buffy sarcastically says, "Bippity boppity boo," and SPF crashes to the ground. He freaks more and says he's scared of her. He's not a man who doesn't want to give up poker night, she's taking his free will. After more bitter words, he leaves and Buffy stands there looking forlorn. She's pretty good at forlorn.

morning, Strappy Top #5, Screaming Orange Death, Buffy whines to Nolan about what happened, and decides to return SPF's wallet and convince him that they should work it out. In SPF's office, he tells Lois that Buffy is a witch, and that she turned him into a newt but then he got better. Lois yells, "A witch! Burn her, burn her!" Okay, that doesn't happen, but SPF does say that Buffy is a witch who has him under a spell. Lois declares he is in love, and then forlorn Buffy comes in to return the wallet. She's wearing a great striped overcoat. The coats in this movie kick ass. Buffy gently tries to reassure SPF about the strange but amazing things that have happened, and that she's not sure she needs him to keep being a great cook, but that she wants him. SPF isn't sure what to do, and just then Other Chef from the food market busts in, spitting, and quits because his knives didn't arrive from France. SPF declares this to be Buffy's fault, and when she incredulously repeats that he thinks she did it, he snarks, "If the broom fits, ride it." Heh. Doofus comes in, Lois tells him that Buffy made the clairs, and Doofus misinterprets this to mean that SPF has hired Buffy to replace Other Chef for the opening the night. She tries to get out of it until SPF says she can't do it. Naturally, she immediately says she can, and Doofus hires her. That night, Buffy and SPF run into each other leaving the store. They talk very quietly, which apparently is supposed to indicate how awkward they feel. SPF asks if Buffy is going to do "anything funny" tomorrow, and she sadly says no and leaves.

Buffy and Nolan go to SPF's restaurant the day and begin to prepare. She's wearing Strappy Top #6, but instead of worrying about how many droplets of sweat will ruin a sauce, she freaks out that she forgot her mother's earrings, which she believes are the reason she can now cook. Nolan says that the magic is that she wanted badly enough to be good, not the earrings, and convinces her to get to work. She introduces herself to the restaurant sous chefs, who ignore her, and then takes that freaking crab out of her purse to act as mascot.

Lois and SPF meet in his office to go to the opening. Lois is wearing a stunning silvery-gray velvet dress with wide straps, a draped neckline, a slightly flared mermaid-style train, and elbow-length gloves. I can not adequately describe how amazing this dress is. Also, she looks about fourteen feet tall. SPF is wearing a tuxedo, except for the pants. He has skinny chicken legs. I am disheartened but still worship him as a demigod.

Back in the kitchen, Buffy is making foie gras. Mmmm, I adore foie gras. More importantly, she has put on a chef's jacket! Saints be praised, wonders never cease, glory to God in the highest and on earth peace and goodwill towards men. Apparently, if you work at a fancy restaurant, you wear the chef jacket to impress the obligatory Snotty French Assistant, but back at your own place you can let your armpit hair down and be yourself. Intercut scenes of Buffy and Nolan cooking while Doofus and SPF greet the food critics that make up the guest list. Buffy calls for the truffles and finds out that Other Chef always picked them out himself, and since he left they have no truffles. Buffy freaks slightly as SPF and Doofus wander in and ask how things are going. Snotty French Assistant says, in French, "We swim in a puddle of shit." Thank you for that twenty seconds of work, Subtitle Man; you are now free to go. Buffy cries over the soup pot, and her tears turn the soup from pink to red. The soup pot holds maybe three quarts. There appear to be about seventy-five guests. Hmm, must be serving the soup in thimbles -- how darling, how precious, how stupid. Nolan lectures Buffy with a basketball metaphor that concludes that they are in the paint and she has to make her presence felt. I guess without her armpit odor free to wander the room, it's hard to tell she's there. She takes a deep breath and yells at Snotty French Assistant to do something with a fig. She says it in French, but they can't subtitle because Subtitle Man was dismissed already, so I have no idea if she's telling him to get her a fig or to commit unspeakable acts of perversion with a fig. I'm guessing the former, though, since the movie got a PG-13 rating. Instead of the planned truffle slippers, she makes fig something on a bed of red sauce. Oh, that was sauce, not soup. She still didn't have enough. All the guests love the fig and begin to weep while eating, declaring hidden desires and generally acting bewitched, bothered and bewildered. ["Could they have ripped off Like Water For Chocolate any more blatantly?" -- Sars] Aunt Stella walks around peering into crying faces and then goes into the kitchen to tell Buffy. Why is Aunt Stella there? More importantly, why is she wearing that fugly, feathered wrap -- is she really Auntie Mame? Is there going to be singing? It seems a bit late in the game to make this a musical. Also, it is impossible to write a song about eating that eclipses that Disney classic "Be Our Guest," so I am forced to declare a ban on singing in this movie. Unless they want to perform the Simpson's spoof "See My Vest" and have SPF in the Monty Burns role. That I would approve of; that's quality entertainment, and this movie is begging for just a hint of that.

Buffy has a massive panic attack because she's afraid she's screwed it up. For the benefit of those who slept up to this point, which admittedly is probably the entire audience given that it's a badly written and boring movie, Auntie Mame explains that everything Buffy is feeling is going into her food. Snotty French Assistant announces that Buffy will be leaving now that she has stunned them into silence, implying that the complete cessation of all dialogue in this movie would be a bad thing. In the dining room, all the guests eat in absolute quiet as if they all joined a monastery and took a vow of silence. Oooo, maybe God heard my silent prayers of supplication. Thanks, Big Guy! SPF, who isn't eating, asks Lois why no one is speaking, and she shushes him. Aunt Stella decides they are all in a trance, and Buffy returns to the kitchen to make dessert. Buffy is convinced that SPF will consider the night a disaster and they will never reunite, so she's just going to leave. She sends out dessert, which appears to be just a peach sitting in a pool of sauce. But when the guests cut into the peaches, the Fog Of Seductive Desserts flows out and people begin to feed each other, play footsie, and dance. SPF watches and turns to leave just as Buffy comes out of the kitchen. Buffy sadly walks down the stairs to leave the store. In his office, SPF looks out the window and reminisces about their times together. At least, I assume he's reminiscing, because they show scenes from earlier in the movie. Maybe the scriptwriter is employing an innovative "recap within a movie" theme in an attempt to evoke Shakespeare's oft-used "play within a play" theme. Maybe the editors realized this scene is more boring than the State of the Union address and decide to liven it up. They failed miserably.

Anyway, a mysterious breeze rattles SPF's display of paper airplanes. He picks one up as still more of the movie is replayed. He runs out of the store, but doesn't see Buffy and goes back inside. He steps inside an elevator, and as the doors close, Buffy walks down the stairs in front of the elevator. Now the scriptwriter is channeling Sliding Doors, and I've got a headache from trying to follow all these intercuts, flashbacks, homages, and stupidities. SPF gets off the elevator, looks out the window, and begins to call Buffy's name. When she doesn't respond, he throws the paper airplane and it CGI-sails a record-breaking length, straight into the cab window and Buffy's lap. Of course she gets out and runs back into the store, because if she didn't the movie would have no point. SPF rifles through the store and puts a mannequin wearing a strappy (of course) pink dress on the elevator with a note that reads "Wear Me." I blatantly refuse to address the obvious Alice In Wonderland reference, so please forget that you read this sentence. In the dining room, SPF waits as people dance quietly in the Fog of Seductive Desserts. Buffy turns around, and not only has she put on the dress, she's apparently raided both the jewelry and cosmetics departments, as she's wearing a lot of both that she wasn't two minutes ago. She now also has a very complicated hairdo, lots of loopy curls individually pinned to her head. I've tried to do this sort of thing myself, and it's practically impossible to arrange your own hair that way. Also, her hair now has a very auburn cast it didn't have in any other part of the movie. How convenient -- this upscale department store has a twenty-four-hour beauty salon with incredibly fast turnaround time. I wonder if they call it Jiffy Lube 'N Curl and change your oil while you get your hair done? SPF and Buffy spot each other, get all goony-eyed, and meet in the middle of a now empty dance floor. SPF tells Buffy she is beautiful, and they kiss. She is very fetching, but she's wearing a silver headband with fake rhinestones that seems to want to be a tiara. It's incredibly tacky, and I bet they bought it at Claire's or Afterthoughts or some other tacky mall accessory store that caters to teenaged girls who wear exactly what Seventeen tells them to and nothing else. Or perhaps after paying off Oldham for the clothes, the accessory budget was only $1.99 and they had no choice. SPF apologizes for everything and says that he wants her and needs a second chance. He's all husky-voiced and gazing into her eyes, and as lame as this movie is, the man makes the back of my knees sweat he's so sexy. Buffy chooses this touching and romantic moment to tell SPF that he's so dense he might need a fourth or fifth chance. Hello, McFly, are you in there (tm Back to the Future)? The man you've been after for the last ninety minutes is fawning all over you, and you insult him? Are you an idiot? Well, okay, that's a given, but at least act like you aren't. SPF tells Buffy he loves her, and she loves him too, and they kiss and dance in the fog as the rest of the guests return. They float above the crowd as they dance. The crab, dressed in a wee crab tuxedo which is available at your local Zeller's if you feel the need to dress up your own crustacean, salutes them, and the screen fades to black. It's too bad SPF doesn't play Riley, because they actually have some great chemistry in this movie. Plus he's finer than the hair on a pig's belly.