We open with an image of the House. (Although from the angle at which it's shot, it bears a close resemblance to the Empire State Building, if it were on the edge of a cliff.) A guy in white is doing clerical work. With lots of cut-aways, because nothing brings in the viewers like pencil-sharpening shots. Elsewhere in the house, a doctor is preparing to do surgery without anaesthetic while a nurse films him. They pause briefly to look up at what I assume are patients pounding on the skylight (what kind of operating room comes with a skylight?). The clerical guy studies somewell, mutants, behind a glass and makes notes in his ledger, when the patients finally break in and start killing the staff. By ramming the newly-sharpened pencils through their necks. Ew. Since all horror films must include shots of bare breasts somewhere, the patients start ripping the nurses' clothing. Meanwhile, the head doctor throws a lever somewhere, gears turn, and steel plates cover the windows and doors.
We then get to see this all over again as a thirties Hollywood newsflash. Apparently a fire was set during the rampage, and everyone was incinerated. We learn that the house was actually a widely respected facility: Dr. Vannacutt's Psychiatric Facility for the Criminally Insane. We are informed that Dr. Richard Benjamin Vannacutt was "a surgeon gone mad." This sort of implies that his nurses must have been equally insane, which makes me wonder how he recruited them. Did he place a classified ad? ("Wanted: psychiatric nurses for private hospital. Duties include film production, disemboweling, and coffee-making.") The screen changes yet again and becomes part of a Peter Graves program. He tells us the House still exists, and has been restored almost to its original state. "I'm Peter Graves," he intones solemnly, and I wait for him to add, "And remember, you can make a difference."
Famke Janssen has been watching this in the bathtub. She switches off the program and reaches for the phone.
Cut to an amusement park. A news reporter and her cameraman are walking with Geoffrey Rush, who is talking into his cell phone. He tells the person on the other end, "That is so totally fucking fascinating, but I've got to get back to work. They're trying to shoot me here." If only this were true. Echoing my sentiments, Famke rolls her eyes as she hangs up. Geoffrey puts the phone away and the reporter asks, "What is it, Mr. Price? Business or pleasure?" "Neither," says Geoffrey, a.k.a. Mr. Price. "My wife." I've never heard of a reporter who would let a statement like that slide, but apparently she's as tired of Price as I am already, because she immediately turns the conversation back to his roller coaster. It turns out that Mr. Price owns the amusement park. (The cameraman is played by James Marsters, who also appears on Buffy as Spike. Hi, Spike!) Price promises that the roller coaster ride is a "genuine journey to the brink of madness." The reporter expresses skepticism. He convinces her and the cameraman to take a ride on it; since this roller coaster starts at the top, they have to take an elevator.
The House On Haunted Hill
The three of them make more boring small talk about the ride, and suddenly the elevator cables start to make odd noises. Spike looks nervous. The reporter looks like she wants to throw up, and I can't tell if it's because she's afraid the elevator might crash or because Price is still talking. Price assures them that everything's fine, just as the elevator stops completely. And then starts to crash at an alarming speed. Spike drops the camera, and Price babbles, "This isn't supposed to be happening." This doesn't help Spike's mood; he starts to jump up and down and chant, "Oh Jesus, Oh God, we're all gonna die." Maybe jumping up and down isn't the best way to slow down the elevator. As it hits the ground (gently), a screen at their feet lights up, and a recorded voice tells them that "You survived Terror Incognita." Price opens the elevator door and grins at them. What a jerk. Spike, unfortunately, does not take this opportunity to vamp out and kill Price, which would have spared us the ninety minutes of film.
As Spike and the reporter get onto the roller coaster itself, Price is back on the phone with Famke. Geoffrey Rush manages to make the sentence "Why don't we go celebrate at some nice, quiet restaurant?" sound like a sneer -- I think he's trying to do bad Vincent Price, but what he has hit is bad Jack Nicholson. Channeling bad actors (I'm sorry, but I detest Jack Nicholson) requires a lot of concentration, evidently, because he doesn't notice that part of the roller coaster track has broken free. A technician runs up to him. It's another Buffy refugee: Max Perlich, who played Whistler. (I know, I know, he was on Homicide before that. But I first saw him as Whistler, so that's what I'm calling him.) Whistler tells Price they've got a problem as the roller coaster hits the broken track and derails, falling into space. "Oh, shit!" Spike screams. "We're falling!" I do hope he gets a credit as narrator. And then the train neatly hits another part of the track and continues on its merry way -- this was all part of the ride, you see! Of course. I'm buying that one. I wait in vain for Jeff Goldblum to show up and explain to Price that that trick cannot be be performed safely every single time, as explained by chaos theory -- not to mention common sense. (The "problem" was a dummy passenger losing its arm.)
Back on the phone, Famke tells Price that she wants her party to be held on Haunted Hill -- she doesn't explain why -- and that she left him a guest list on his desk. Price shreds her guest list and sits down at the computer to make his own. When he leaves, the computer erases his list and creates its own.
Cars are driving up to Haunted Hill at night. We know these are the guests because the passengers take out their invitations and reread them. Apparently I'm the only one who prefers to read actual books on long trips. As they approach the house, a guy standing in the middle of the road waves his hands and shouts at them to get out of the cars. He informs them that his name is Richard, he owns the house, and tells them that they have to walk the rest of the way. A female guest asks him if the house is "really haunted." "It's pretty scary," Richard stammers out. I notice that while Jeff Goldblum didn't show up earlier, he didn't actually need to, as Richard is apparently channeling him. We learn from the guests that they've never heard of Price, and aren't sure why they've been invited. (And they still showed up? Why? What are these people thinking?) Richard dithers some more, and finally gets them to move.