Buffy the Vampire Slayer S04E01

Props to Sars and Wing Chun and Glark for making all of this possible. Moments before I sat down to write this, Sarah Michelle Gellar won an MTV Movie Award for her performance in this film, and received a wet sloppy kiss from Freddie Prinze Jr. Ew. Also, ew to the kiss.

The credits play over a quickly moving shot of a cemetery, which I can only imagine foreshadows the career trajectory of most of these actors. Yes, in fact, freeze-frame reveals that one of the headstones reads "Eric Mabius," and there's the ghost of Hollywood Future leading him to it. ["Frighteningly enough, the ghost of Hollywood Future led me to the Internet Movie Database, which informed that a sequel is in pre-production. The horror...the horror." -- Sars] Then we see Ryan Phillippe in a really really nice car that I actually kind of want. The camera lingers on a folder on the passenger seat, which will no doubt be very important later on.

Ryan, whose name we learn is Sebastian, is in therapy. His therapist is extremely patronizing and false, and she blathers on about adolescence and bad parenting and hands Sebastian a book she's written called "Good Parenting." I wonder if the therapist is going to turn out to be a bad parent later on? That would be ironic and surprising.

Anyway, Sebastian talks about all the progress he's made towards not thinking about sex all the time. Then he hits on his therapist. See, because he's not cured at all, and he's a manipulative liar, get it? On cue, Patronizing False Therapist's daughter calls, and Sebastian basically humps the picture of PFT's daughter on the desk while asking about her. To discourage him, PFT refers to her daughter as an "exceptionally rounded young woman," which kind of makes no sense, but is probably supposed to be a clever single-entendre. Abby Morgan calls her lawyer. When Sebastian leaves, PFT calls him a schmuck under her breath. See, because she's patronizing and false, get it? Then, in this scene's non-ironic un-twist, it turns out that the daughter, who has been on hold, is calling because she's upset that Sebastian (who she describes tearfully as "so charming," though I would describe him as "bland" and "transparent") has posted nudie pictures of her on the internet. We get a glimpse. Hey, she is exceptionally rounded.

Downstairs, Sebastian tosses the "Good Parenting" book away. Hey, he probably should have held on to that. I guess he didn't plan on knocking up Reese Witherspoon.

Elsewhere, in a nice house, Christine Baranski is introducing her daughter Selma Blair, a.k.a. Cecile, to Buffy, a.k.a. Kathryn. It seems Cecile is going to start attending Manchester Prep, where Buffy/Kathryn is "one of the most popular girls in school." Buffy brandishes a religious object, talks about turning to God, and promises to take good care of Cecile, who actually does a pretty good job of acting awkward and clueless. Mom, can't you tell Buffy is evil now? She has dark hair! Anyway, Sebastian comes in, yells in Mom's ear for no apparent reason, delivers a revolting single entendre, and tries to look up Cecile's skirt. I take it back. He is charming.

When mother and daughter leave, Sebastian says, "I didn't know it was asshole day at the Valmont house." Well, if it is, looks to me like you're the asshole, funboy. Buffy snorts some coke out of her religious talisman. Ah, now we know that when she said "God" she meant "smack."

Anyhow, turns out Buffy and Sebastian are step-siblings, and their parents are out of town on vacation, where Buffy's mom thinks Sebastian's "impotent, alcoholic father is diddling the maid." I think Buffy's mom needs to make up her mind, because her husband may be drinking himself into impotence, and he may be diddling the maid, but I don't think he can be doing both. Anyway, blah blah blah, the terrible twosome are bored of their teenage lives, and their money and power and material goods and endless attractive sexual partners. Boo hoo. Buffy is jealous cause some guy she likes, Court, is in love with Cecile, so she's hatched a little plot to turn the clueless young-un into "damaged goods." She delivers ridiculous dialogue like, "If there's an attack on Court, it could be traced back to me." Basically, Evil Buffy wants Sebastian to nail Cecile. You know, this kind of scheming, and talk of "ruined reputations," made a lot more sense in pre-revolution French salons. So what if Cecile has sex? Suddenly this "Court" guy won't want her anymore? Whatever.

Sebastian declines because he's got his eye on a bigger challenge. A new girl is moving to town from Kansas (Reese -- yay, a good actor). She is apparently so committed to her virginity that she published a cover story about it in a major glossy magazine. "Girl From Kansas Won't Get Laid." Stop the presses. What. Ever. Oh, and the folder on Sebastian's car seat contains his precious journal, in which he records all of his sexual adventures. This could possibly figure in the plot in some crucial way.

Anyway, Buffy doesn't think he can seduce the Kansan. He's willing to make a bet. The terms: She wins, she gets his nice car; he wins, they (i.e. the step-siblings, i.e. ew) have sex. Um -- yeah, that's fair. 'Cause girls don't enjoy sex, right? It's just a tool for them. Sebastian doesn't bite, noting that that the car is "a 1956 Jaguar Roadster," which is, I must say, a salient point. But Buffy reels him in thusly: "You can put it anywhere," she coos. This makes sense, because she's evil and has dark hair and therefore will take it up the ass. And it apparently appeals to Sebastian, who takes the bet.

Incidentally, I saw this movie in a theater (I know, shut up) with my girlfriend at the time, who did not understand this line, despite the fact that Naughty Buffy sort of leans back and points her tushy at Sebastian as she says it. I knew then that it couldn't last.

Now we've laid (ha ha) the groundwork. Time to speed this up.

Reese is staying at Sebastian's aunt's place, which I will therefore call Plot Contrivance Manor. Sebastian chats her up and insults her virginity manifesto. Subtle. She is not fooled, having been tipped off about his "reputation," and she also acts circles around Ryan Phillippe's empty head.

Cecile is taking cello lessons from, and obviously has a crush on, someone who we know the rich people won't like, because he's black. He's also ten thousand times better for the Chevalier Danceny role than Keanu Reeves was in the film version of Dangerous Liaisons. Bad Girl Buffy interrupts the lesson, and we learn that Ronald the Cello Teacher is at pre-Juilliard (huh?) and is writing an opera about Martin Luther King Jr. I guess that makes sense, because Dr. King was, as I understand it, also black.

Sebastian is complaining to Pacey, a.k.a. Blaine, who has bleached blond hair and is therefore gay. Sebastian wants info about who ratted out his "cruel intentions" to Reese, and promises to put that person in a "momentous amount of pain" which I don't think makes any sense, because "momentous" doesn't mean "a lot." Gay Pacey reveals that Greg, the star of the football team, who is friends with Reese from way back (how many people leave Kansas to go to New York prep school? Tons, I guess), is nervously closeted, and could be the culprit. And he has just returned to New York to practice with the Plot Contrivance Football Team. To be fair, all of these machinations are lifted from Dangerous Liaisons, but they make a lot more sense there, since Valmont and the Marquise use their servants, and these are teenagers using their friends and acquaintances from school. Anyhow, scheming ensues: Sebastian will "accidentally" walk in on a tryst between Blaine and Greg and make him take back his entirely truthful warnings to Reese.

Greg is bragging to his football buddies about a presumably fabricated sexual exploit. Blaine calls. Greg switches the phone to his right hand, drops the tough guy act, says hello to Blaine politely, and is therefore gay.

Morticia Buffy is combing Cecile's hair in the park. Cecile mentions that Court told her about a "bulimic head-case he dumped." Heh. Buffy yanks Cecile's hair. Wow, SMG seemed to take that really personally. Anyway, Cecile needs to learn how to kiss for her weekend in the Hamptons with Court, and Buffy starts making out with her. ("How do you think girls learn?" What? Okay.) In the middle of the park. In broad daylight. Because she's trying really hard to keep up her front of being an upstanding religious girl with a sterling reputation. But Cecile reveals her real crush is on Ronald the Cello Teacher, and Sophistica-Bitch Buffy is supportive, and stresses the importance of keeping the crush secret from Cecile's mother.

Reese is distracted from reading a letter by loud opera music. The source turns out to be an indoor swimming pool apparently equipped with speakers. Sebastian is sitting in a wheelchair, just for fun, which is not tasteless at all, and Reese tells him to keep it down. He gives her a bag with an engraved nameplate. She looks at him as though he is charming, but I am still not convinced. Reese looks really cute in this scene. Maybe she will read this recap, and realize Ryan's a putz, and marry me.

Reese is now in a robe, and returns to the pool to find Sebastian naked, and his ass actually looks pretty weird. They both start to swim, and banter, and she quotes to him from her friend's letters about him: "Even more treacherous than he is attractive." That's not hard. The Pope is more treacherous than Ryan Phillippe is attractive. He cops to his bad reputation, trying the honest approach, if by "honest" one means "equally transparent." Reese reveals she's seeing someone else already, and books. Hey Ryan, she was talking about me.

Sebastian walks in on Greg and Blaine getting it on. Sebastian mentions Greg's father's potential humiliation, and Greg agrees to "do anything" to keep his homosexuality a secret. I feel kind of bad for Greg, actually; he looks really scared, but at the same time any father who would be "humiliated" to have a gay son kind of deserves to be humiliated. And even those fathers can change, right, Angry McPhee? Anyhow, turns out Greg's not the informant after all, so Sebastian decides to blackmail Greg into talking him up to Reese, and also finding out who the real bad-mouther is.

Greg is walking on the beach with Reese, doing just that. Apparently, Greg would rather betray his oldest friend than come to terms with his sexuality. He's a football star with an intolerant father, so I guess I can buy that, but at the very least that makes him a really really awful friend.

Greg calls up Sebastian and tells him the secret informant is Cecile's mother, a.k.a. Christine Baranski, whom we have not seen since her first scene and have pretty much forgotten about. And why would Cecile's mom warn some random girl she doesn't know about Sebastian anyway? Oh, they "met at orientation." More like Plot Contrivance-tation. Whatever.

Beelze-Buffy is watching Cecile's "music lesson," which involves flashing Ronald the Cello Teacher while doing a headstand. She is observing them on what appears to be a closed-circuit security monitor on the TV in her living room. Sebastian blands into the room. Suddenly, Sebastian and Buffy decide that the audience is very stupid, which, if they paid nine dollars for this (I know, I know, shut UP) they are. Either that, or both characters have been bitten by a virulent Exposition Spider. The conversation literally goes like this (more or less):

Sebastian: "Cecile's mom ratted me out. I will destroy her." Gruffy: "Cecile has fallen for Ronald the Cello Teacher." Sebastian: "Cecile's mom won't like that." (Presumably because Ronald is black. Did I get it?) Huffy: "But Ronald is moving too slow." Sebastian: "Explain your plan so that a moron could understand it." Don't-Stop-Till-You-Get-Enuffy: "Tell mom about the boyfriend. Mom breaks them up." Sebastian: "But who will they turn to for help?" I-Like-It-Ruffy: "Cecile is planning on going away with Court week. I want Ronald to screw her before she goes." Sebastian: "Okay." Use-The-Hand-Cuffy then delivers the least comprehensible line in the entire movie, I swear, when she says: "I hate it when things don't go my way. It makes me so horny." Which either means that things she hates make her horny (guh?) or that she hates being horny (buh?). Zuh? Then she climbs on Sebastian's lap and reaches her hand, mercifully, out of the frame, and does something ribald to him. Then she leaves, and he is frustrated, probably because she stayed for so long.

Sebastian calls Reese with some lame lost-glasses premise, though he's wearing his glasses. Sneaky. He tells her he misses her, and they go for a walk, during which she wears a shirt eight sizes too small for her.

Take-No-Guffy meets Christine Baranski and reveals the relationship between Cecile and Ronald the Cello Teacher. Mom is none too pleased, because Ronald is, guess what, black. Man, didn't see that coming. Double-Stuffy says: "You will be discreet about this?" And mom says she will, so we know she won't.

Mom storms into the middle of a cello lesson, yells at Ronald, makes racist assumptions about where he lives (hold the phone, is Ronald black?), and throws him out. Very discreet. She's almost as charming as Sebastian.

Sebastian and I-Sleep-In-The-Buff-y show Ronald a letter from Cecile, and promise to help rekindle their "music lessons." Ronald rushes off to write more love letters. Sebastian has a sudden attack of morals and frets about "destroying an innocent girl." With her dark hair glinting, Buffy shoots him down by knocking the slut/stud double-standard, which she's not wrong about. But then she says: "Do you think I relish the fact that I have to act like Mary Sunshine twenty-four/seven?" Whatever, Evil Buffy. Try three/one. You're a bitch for ninety-five percent of this movie. And, actually, if you don't relish acting like Mary Sunshine twenty-four/seven, SMG, maybe you should adopt this character's personality and quit your actual life. Anyhow, Cecile calls, crying. Sebastian invites her over to get Ronald's latest letter. She sneaks out and uses the old doll-in-the-bed trick to make her mom think she's still at home. That'll work.

Sebastian is getting Cecile drunk on his bed and taking pictures of her while she writes a response to Ronald's letter. He tries to get her to strip for the pictures. She's not cool with that. He threatens to call her mom and tell on her unless she kisses him, thus actually BREAKING THE LAW instead of just being a creep like usual. She says okay, and he prepares to kiss her, but not exactly on her face, if you know what I mean, explaining that he didn't say where he was going to kiss her. She is very drunk and also very stupid, and is therefore persuaded by his logic. He drops out of the frame and -- oh, you know.

Mom pulls back Cecile's covers and can apparently tell the difference between her daughter and a doll, which you mightn't think from the way she tries to control her daughter's life. Cecile comes home. Her mom is less mad than you might think.

Cecile and Reese and Sebastian are at lunch together outside Plot Contrivance Manor. Sebastian makes lewd faces and gestures at Cecile to get her to leave the table. Aunt Plot Contrivance approaches and has somehow arranged for Reese and Sebastian to volunteer for the afternoon at a retirement home. Wiggedy-whatever.

Sebastian takes advantage of hearing impairment and senility to convince an old woman that he was nice to her, so that she'll talk him up to Reese. Man, this guy will do anything for sex. He should be in therapy.

In the nice car, Reese is still not buying what Sebastian's selling, even with the helping-the-elderly thing. But she makes funny faces at him, which I guess means he's going to fall in love with her. I'd like to mock this device, but when she makes devil horns with her fingers and sticks out her tongue, I do believe I've fallen in love with her myself. Get out of the car, Ryan. Let a real man drive.

Fluffy comes to see Cecile, who is shell-shocked from her experience with Sebastian. She's reluctant to explain what happened at first, and then whispers into Buffy's Evil Ear, and with the volume way up I can make out something like "saying the alphabet -- with his tongue." I guess Sebastian is a cunning linguist, as it were. Cecile says she didn't like it, then admits she did, and describes her orgasm. Raunchy Buffy tells Cecile that now she might as well sleep around a lot, so that she'll be able to please Ronald the Cello Teacher. It takes all of two seconds to convince Cecile that this is a great idea.

Cecile is on Sebastian's bed with him. She's all post-coital, and he's languidly writing in his journal, presumably recording this escapade while she's lying there. Classy. She flirts a little, and he is therefore left with no choice but to throw her violently off the bed. He's, like, so charming -- although, actually, she is pretty annoying in this scene, and I'd probably throw her off my bed, too. But I'd probably also not sleep with the obnoxious moron in the first place, making it a moot point.

Sebastian is watching Reese through binoculars, I guess because secretly observing how she reads a book on the lawn will help him sleep with her. Buffy enters and calls Sebastian on his genuine infatuation, which he chalks up to Reese making him laugh, i.e. the funny faces in the car. I knew it. Blah blah, who's going to win the bet, banter, banter.

Sebastian goes outside, and he and Reese greet each other in French for no apparent reason, thereby discharging any obligation this film has to its source material. Then he mauls her, and she shoves him away. He wants to know why they can't be together, and she says it's because she doesn't "trust herself" with him. If she's talking about not trusting herself to not beat his punk ass, I know what she means.

It's nighttime at Plot Contrivance Manor. Sebastian comes to Reese's room to announce that he's leaving. Then they play the scene from Wayne's World where Wayne and Garth are mad at each other and keep saying, "Fine, go then." "I'm gone." "Good. Go." "I am." "Bye." "I'm going." Only that scene is much more touching. Anyhow, Sebastian turns to go, and she tells him to wait, and he stops. At this point, I note that he is basically standing flush against the door, but does not have his hand on the knob, and also we observed the door opening into the room at the beginning of the scene. I mention this because what is he going to do, open the door into his own face while standing half an inch away from it? This means that either Sebastian the Character or Ryan Phillippe the Actor knew he wasn't really going to have to leave the room and did a really unconvincing job of pretending to, and I'm inclined to believe that Sebastian's a little too cagey for that. My finger is pointed squarely at you, Ry.