Props to Sars and Wing Chun and Glark for making all of this possible. Moments before I sat down to write this, Sarah Michelle Gellar won an MTV Movie Award for her performance in this film, and received a wet sloppy kiss from Freddie Prinze Jr. Ew. Also, ew to the kiss. The credits play over a quickly moving shot of a cemetery, which I can only imagine foreshadows the career trajectory of most of these actors. Yes, in fact, freeze-frame reveals that one of the headstones reads "Eric Mabius," and there's the ghost of Hollywood Future leading him to it. ["Frighteningly enough, the ghost of Hollywood Future led me to the Internet Movie Database, which informed that a sequel is in pre-production. The horror...the horror." -- Sars] Then we see Ryan Phillippe in a really really nice car that I actually kind of want. The camera lingers on a folder on the passenger seat, which will no doubt be very important later on. Ryan, whose name we learn is Sebastian, is in therapy. His therapist is extremely patronizing and false, and she blathers on about adolescence and bad parenting and hands Sebastian a book she's written called "Good Parenting." I wonder if the therapist is going to turn out to be a bad parent later on? That would be ironic and surprising. Anyway, Sebastian talks about all the progress he's made towards not thinking about sex all the time. Then he hits on his therapist. See, because he's not cured at all, and he's a manipulative liar, get it? On cue, Patronizing False Therapist's daughter calls, and Sebastian basically humps the picture of PFT's daughter on the desk while asking about her. To discourage him, PFT refers to her daughter as an "exceptionally rounded young woman," which kind of makes no sense, but is probably supposed to be a clever single-entendre. Abby Morgan calls her lawyer. When Sebastian leaves, PFT calls him a schmuck under her breath. See, because she's patronizing and false, get it? Then, in this scene's non-ironic un-twist, it turns out that the daughter, who has been on hold, is calling because she's upset that Sebastian (who she describes tearfully as "so charming," though I would describe him as "bland" and "transparent") has posted nudie pictures of her on the internet. We get a glimpse. Hey, she is exceptionally rounded. Downstairs, Sebastian tosses the "Good Parenting" book away. Hey, he probably should have held on to that. I guess he didn't plan on knocking up Reese Witherspoon. Elsewhere, in a nice house, Christine Baranski is introducing her daughter Selma Blair, a.k.a. Cecile, to Buffy, a.k.a. Kathryn. It seems Cecile is going to start attending Manchester Prep, where Buffy/Kathryn is "one of the most popular girls in school." Buffy brandishes a religious object, talks about turning to God, and promises to take good care of Cecile, who actually does a pretty good job of acting awkward and clueless. Mom, can't you tell Buffy is evil now? She has dark hair! Anyway, Sebastian comes in, yells in Mom's ear for no apparent reason, delivers a revolting single entendre, and tries to look up Cecile's skirt. I take it back. He is charming.
Sebastian is getting Cecile drunk on his bed and taking pictures of her while she writes a response to Ronald's letter. He tries to get her to strip for the pictures. She's not cool with that. He threatens to call her mom and tell on her unless she kisses him, thus actually BREAKING THE LAW instead of just being a creep like usual. She says okay, and he prepares to kiss her, but not exactly on her face, if you know what I mean, explaining that he didn't say where he was going to kiss her. She is very drunk and also very stupid, and is therefore persuaded by his logic. He drops out of the frame and -- oh, you know. Mom pulls back Cecile's covers and can apparently tell the difference between her daughter and a doll, which you mightn't think from the way she tries to control her daughter's life. Cecile comes home. Her mom is less mad than you might think. Cecile and Reese and Sebastian are at lunch together outside Plot Contrivance Manor. Sebastian makes lewd faces and gestures at Cecile to get her to leave the table. Aunt Plot Contrivance approaches and has somehow arranged for Reese and Sebastian to volunteer for the afternoon at a retirement home. Wiggedy-whatever. Sebastian takes advantage of hearing impairment and senility to convince an old woman that he was nice to her, so that she'll talk him up to Reese. Man, this guy will do anything for sex. He should be in therapy. In the nice car, Reese is still not buying what Sebastian's selling, even with the helping-the-elderly thing. But she makes funny faces at him, which I guess means he's going to fall in love with her. I'd like to mock this device, but when she makes devil horns with her fingers and sticks out her tongue, I do believe I've fallen in love with her myself. Get out of the car, Ryan. Let a real man drive. Fluffy comes to see Cecile, who is shell-shocked from her experience with Sebastian. She's reluctant to explain what happened at first, and then whispers into Buffy's Evil Ear, and with the volume way up I can make out something like "saying the alphabet -- with his tongue." I guess Sebastian is a cunning linguist, as it were. Cecile says she didn't like it, then admits she did, and describes her orgasm. Raunchy Buffy tells Cecile that now she might as well sleep around a lot, so that she'll be able to please Ronald the Cello Teacher. It takes all of two seconds to convince Cecile that this is a great idea. Cecile is on Sebastian's bed with him. She's all post-coital, and he's languidly writing in his journal, presumably recording this escapade while she's lying there. Classy. She flirts a little, and he is therefore left with no choice but to throw her violently off the bed. He's, like, so charming -- although, actually, she is pretty annoying in this scene, and I'd probably throw her off my bed, too. But I'd probably also not sleep with the obnoxious moron in the first place, making it a moot point.