Look at me. I'm as helpless as a kitten up a tree.

S03E12

Okay, I'm back in New York for a week, so I figured I'd jump back to Season Three. It makes sense to me. Shut up.

Mansion. The camera slowly pans left to reveal some fruit, water, and bread on a tray on the floor. In front of it, Buffy is knocked hard to the ground by another fruit, namely Angel. She flips him over, and they both get to their feet. He comes at her, but she dodges his attack. She misses him with a spinning crescent kick, but uses the momentum to go into a very cool foot sweep, which drops him. She grabs a loaf of French bread off the tray, rolls over, and mock-stakes him. Angel smiles, "Right in the heart." Buffy: "Satisfied?" Angel's face falls. "I'm not sure that's the word." Blech. First of all, the bread brings to mind unpleasant thoughts of clichéd romantic movies in which a protagonist always has a baguette or something similar sticking out of a grocery bag. And, worse, did they need to be so anvilicious with the phallic symbol? We know they want to have sex but can't. It was the lesson of the biggest story arc of the show. We. Get. It. Leave us alone. Buffy awkwardly babbles that they're "not having satisfaction in the personal sense," and although I'll bitch about it later, I can right now appreciate that we won't be seeing Angel after this scene. Buffy says that Giles is waiting for her. Angel continues with the awkwardness, asking if he's going to see her the coming weekend. He figures she has plans, since it's her birthday. She says that she does indeed have plans, and he awkwards, "A date?" Buffy says yes, and that it's with an "older man. Very handsome. Likes it when I call him 'Daddy.'" Angel happily notes that she's referring to her father, but his face falls again. "It is your father, right?" His delivery gets a grudging "heh." Buffy says yes, that they're going to the ice show, and that she could use some fun. Well, let's serve you up a heapin' helpin' of fun, then!

Buffy, in the library, stares at a good-sized crystal hanging from a chain. She correctly identifies it as an amethyst, but when Giles asks for its uses, comes up with: "Breath mints?" He corrects her. One of the uses is the cleansing of auras, which prompts Buffy to ask how one knows if one's aura is dirty. Giles sniffs that studying "vibratory stones" is part of her training, and asks her to get her head in the game. Not touching "vibratory stones." Although if Faith knew they were part of the training, maybe she would have shown up. Okay, I touched them. Buffy apologizes, explaining that since Faith is on one of her "unannounced walkabouts" (which sounds like a really good spin-off), she feels like she should be patrolling. Giles lectures her some more, telling her to concentrate. He seems to be finding her excessively tiresome. Could that be some sort of defense mechanism? He asks why she's so anxious, and she says she just has some "energy to burn."

By Couch Baron

Irony: Pretty clever, huh? First Buffy says she could use some fun, when we all know she's not going to have any. Then she says she has energy to burn, when she's about to lose her powers. Get it?
Couch Baron: Dude, I'm warning you. Get out of here.
Irony: Why? What are you gonna do if I don't?
Couch Baron: I'm not going to do anything. But Demian's supposed to be stopping by. I think he'd love to have a conversation with you about your work, or lack thereof, on Charmed. I've never seen his bitchcraft live, so it'll be a treat to watch.
Irony, as someone knocks on the door: Where's the fire escape?

A vamp crashes down the slide in a playground. Buffy runs down after him and sasses, "That was really funny-looking. Could you do it again?" He threatens to kill her. She sasses him some more, then beats on him. She gets her stake ready and moves forward, but seems suddenly to experience severe disorientation. The vamp takes advantage of the opportunity to throw her onto a picnic table. She falls to the ground, and he's quickly on top of her. He grabs her hands and points her stake toward her heart, snarling, "Let me know if I'm not doing this right." If only boys always said that to girls, a lot of my female friends would be much happier. Any comment, Sars? ["I think you've got it, dude." -- Sars] Buffy looks like she thinks she's about to be the deadest dead woman in Deadonia. Credits.

Buffy struggles to keep the stake from piercing her chest. She manages to head-butt the vamp and throw him off, then crawls to grab the stake, which has flown from her hand. The vamp leaps for her, but she holds up the stake in time, dusting him. She has trouble getting up, and looks wigged.

School. Giles walks into the library as Buffy is throwing something. She tells him something's wrong. She's been throwing knives at a bull's-eye target, and not one has come even close to the center. She informs him of the events of the prior evening, and says her game is so far off the mark that it's "left the country." Giles, without looking her in the eye, speculates that she might be coming down with something. She doesn't want to hear that, as it might interfere with her plans with her dad. I'm sure she'll be thrilled when that problem's solved. He encourages her to take it easy, but she says she just needs to train more. She throws another knife, and something breaks. Giles, his back to the camera, stiffens. Buffy: "I'm gone!" Giles: "Thank you!" Hee.

Buffy has just told Willow, Xander, and Oz about the ice show. Xander: "And how old are we again?" I'm not going to dignify that with an answer. Oh, all right: Shut up, Xander. Willow: "I went to Snoopy On Ice when I was little. My dad took me backstage and I got so scared I threw up on Woodstock." I've heard of people throwing up at Woodstock, but throwing up on Woodstock's a new one. Buffy confesses that it's a "big dumb girly thing," but she loves it. Oz says that ice is cool. Who cares what he said? I love him. Willow thinks it's great that Buffy and her dad have a tradition. Perhaps she should explain to Hank that the concept of "tradition" doesn't include "completely cutting your motherless daughter[s] out of your life." Even if he has done it for three years now. Xander wants to have a party, but Buffy points out that parties in her honor tend to go badly. Actually, at this point, I think they've made parties on any major holiday a no-no as well. She thinks it would be better to celebrate this birthday with "quiet reflection." Okay, so this wish gets granted? Poor Buffy.

A bouquet of flowers sits on the Summers kitchen counter, with balloons attached that say, "Happy Birthday." Buffy walks in and notices them, but Joyce says they're from Hank. On closer inspection, we see that there's a letter and some tickets attached to the flowers. Joyce explains that Hank's "quarterly projections are unraveling" and he can't take any time off right now; in a manner that indicates she knows it wouldn't be the same, Joyce says that she could get someone to cover for her at the gallery if Buffy wanted her to go instead. Buffy, her voice breaking, shoots that idea down, saying that she was just thinking a quiet birthday might be nice. Sniff. First "Surprise," now this. I'm surprised "The Gift" didn't happen on her birthday. ["Given the way her birthday keeps jumping around the calendar, it probably could have." -- Sars] And while I admire Joyce for not taking this opportunity to take a cheap shot at Hank, I think Buffy really could have used some comforting there.

We see a shot of a large, spooky house. The sign reads "Sunnydale Arms," but I'm calling it the Bates Motel, in light of the issues of one of its inhabitants. Some guy is building a brick wall up in a doorway. His name's Blair. Another dude, named Hobson, is also working. Quentin Travers supervises. I know we haven't met him yet, but it's much easier this way, so shut up. Hobson says they'll be ready in five or six hours. Travers says to finish and rest, because Hobson and Blair will be sleeping in shifts after that. They regard a large padlocked wooden crate. Travers: "We're getting very close. The Slayer's preparation is nearly complete."

By Couch Baron

Giles gets the crystals out as Buffy explains the ice show to him. "Brian Boitano doing 'Carmen' is a life-changer." Uh, in a good way? Giles says they'll start with the "grounding crystal," which is the same one he had out at the end of the crystal scene. Hmm. He tells her to look for the flaw at its center. She goes on that families go together, and that it's something to which one might take a daughter, or a student, or a Slayer. Since she's both his student and his Slayer, is the subtext that she considers him a father too? Aw. Giles ignores her. He probably feels a little weird about getting all touchy-feely at a time when he might be sending her to her death. Those English. He finally gets her mind on the task. She stares at the crystal, and after a short time seems catatonic. Good training for "The Weight Of The World." Yuck. Giles whispers her name, and upon getting no response, quickly opens a small case containing a needle and a vial of liquid. He daubs her forearm with a cotton ball and some liquid, fills up the hypo, and injects her with the contents. I can't even describe how chilling this was when I first saw it. Hell, it's still pretty chilling. He puts everything back as it was, then waves a hand in front of the crystal, breaking the spell. Buffy apologizes for zoning out, and says she's still nursing that flu bug. Giles gives her permission to leave. She walks out, and he bids her good night with an expression of perfect ambiguity on his face. I yell, "Et tu, Giles? ET TU?" Commercials.

Buffy accosts Giles in the hall and tells him what just happened. She refers to the no-neck as a "no-neck." Stay off my lines, babe -- you're helpless, remember? Giles still plays dumb, but she's very upset. He says that, given time, they'll figure out what's wrong. Buffy desperately asks him to promise her that. Subtly looking like he's starting to unravel, he does, and walks off.

Giles has tea with Travers at the Bates Motel. Talk about sentences I never thought I'd write. Travers notes that Giles is having doubts, and says that "cruciamentum is not easy for Slayer or Watcher." Isn't that a priori? "But it's been done this way for a dozen centuries, whenever a Slayer turns eighteen. It's a time-honored rite of passage." Giles: "It's an archaic exercise in cruelty." They could be talking about frat-rushing at this point. Giles exposits that Buffy will be locked in the Bates Motel, weakened and defenseless, with "that thing," as he looks at the wooden crate. I giggle as I imagine all the things that could be in there. Starr Jones? Céline Dion? Ed Begley Jr.? Oh, all right. Marti Noxon? Giles and Travers continue to argue over the merits of the trial. Travers opines that, when it's over, "your Buffy will be stronger for it." Giles: "Or she'll be dead for it." Travers: "I know you are, but what am I?" Oh, sorry.

Travers shows Giles out, trying to reassure him that Buffy will survive. Giles leaves. Hobson starts to tell Travers he needs to run an errand, but is interrupted by a frightful yelling from inside the crate. The three gather round, and Blair unlocks and opens the door to reveal a vamped-out psycho in a straitjacket and a head restraint. Blair and Hobson look scared, but Travers calmly tells them to get on with it. Blair gets some pills from a prescription bottle and puts them on the end of a very long spoon. He feeds them to the vamp, whom I'll call Norman, because of his mother issues. Hobson gives him a glass of water with the aid of some long tongs. Travers tells them to close the box, which they do.

The gang, sans Giles, researches in the library. Xander opines that what they're looking for is some sort of "Slayer kryptonite," but Oz says that's a faulty metaphor, since kryptonite kills. Actually, it does all sorts of funny things -- just ask Omar G. They start a discussion about the effects of the various forms of kryptonite. I can certainly believe that Oz and Xander would know this stuff. Buffy, somewhat snittily, asks them to come back to reality. How meta. She starts to walk off, but Willow chases after her, asking what she'll do if she can't get her powers back. Buffy unconvincingly says she'll deal, and that there might be some good to it. Well, considering how much whinging you've done about wanting a normal life, I'd hope you could find a silver lining. Giles walks in, and Buffy asks him if he's found anything. He hasn't. She doesn't look like she's seeing the good.

Bates Motel. Hobson walks into the bedroom and sits down on one of the beds. Norman screams, waking up Blair. Hobson says it's Blair's shift, and lies down. Blair opens the crate door, and Norman whines for his pills. Blair goes to get some water. Norman yells again, but this time it's to cover the sound he makes from tearing the straitjacket, which had developed a hole in the seam by the right shoulder. Has the CoW ever actually done anything right? Besides canning Wesley, I mean. Yes, I know I'm insulting Wesley and he's not even on the show yet, but "Choices" is only two recaps away from this one, and I need to warm up. Plus, it's fun. Blair returns, and puts the pills on the spoon. He holds them out, but Norman pretends to be overwhelmed with pain, and says he can't see them. Blair steps closer, and Norman grabs him by the throat and chokes him. He says in a normal, playful voice, "Shh. Everything's okay now!" Oh, a wacky villain! I love those! Not.

Mansion. Shit! I totally forgot there was another Angel scene. And no Faith for two straight episodes? It's cruel, I tell you. Buffy unwraps his gift, which is a book of Browning's poetry, with the word "Always" written on the first page. Always broody? Always mopey? "'Always', until I get my own show?" Give us more details, please! Or better yet, don't. She tells him it's beautiful, but Angel, not one not to pick up on a pity party, asks what's wrong. She's not sure she can live without her Slayer powers. He points out that she lived a long time without them. She counters with the point that now that she knows what's out there, not being able to fight it wouldn't be acceptable. I can see where she's coming from, but she could find other ways to fight evil -- her friends certainly do. She also mentions that she doesn't want to go around telling people about her glory days, about "Mr. Pointy, the stake I had bronzed." Hee. I love Mr. Pointy. She finally gets to the reason that I can really get behind -- she doesn't want to be the person she was. "Before I was the Slayer, I was -- well I don't want to say 'shallow,' but -- let's say a certain person, who will remain nameless -- we'll just call her 'Sporedelia' [ha!] -- looked like a classical philosopher to me." I'm disappointed that she didn't say she looked like a "saint" or an "angel" -- it would have left such an easy joke open. Buffy wonders why Angel would like her if she were just a normal girl, which is a perfect opportunity for him to tell her that he saw her before she was the Slayer, referring to the flashback in "Becoming Part One," and that he loved her from the beginning. Instead of being squicked out by his stalkery ways, she simply asks him why he loved her. Angel: "Because I could see your heart." Ever see a cartoon where someone gets hit in the teeth and they all crack and fall out? That just happened to me, thanks to that sugar bomb. It was worse than the Cavity Creeps. He gets up and walks over to her. This part is so cheesy that I started giggling, so here it is: "You held it before you for everyone to see, and I worried that it would be bruised, or torn, and more than anything in my life I wanted to keep it safe, to warm it with my own." Yes, I giggled. But then I realized that someone wrote that, in all seriousness, and I started crying. This job's not easy, folks. Buffy says that's beautiful -- "or taken literally, incredibly gross." Angel: "I was just thinkin' that too." That's a lie and you know it.

Norman hums a jaunty tune. He licks the fingers of his right hand. Blair, lying on the ground, vamps out and rises. I call bullshit. First, there's no way Blair would have been alive to drink Norman's blood, nor could they have physically arranged it if he were. Second, he took less than six hours to rise again? And third, Norman never got his last dose of medication. Wouldn't he have had to scream in pain, which would have woken Hobson up? Very, very lame. Blair frees Norman, although I'm not really sure what's in it for him. Norman takes his pills, and blathers a bit about playing the game. "Why don't you call your friend in here and we'll discuss it over dinner." You're no VampWillow, Norman, so shove it up your wacky ass.

Giles enters the Bates Motel, looking for Travers. He checks around. In a gratuitous (but still scary, I'll admit) way, he finally puts his hand on the staircase railing and finds it covered in blood. It's completely preposterous that the blood would be there, but whatever. Giles springs into action, ripping some wood out of the banister support, thereby fashioning a stake. Instead of fleeing, he looks around some more. He makes his way into the bedroom and turns on the light. High-pitched horror music plays as he sees Hobson's bloody corpse, although we only see one of the arms. Giles drops the stake, looking like he's going to hurl, and runs out.

Buffy walks home. She encounters two no-necks, who harass her. She mutters to herself that she should have let Angel walk her home. Well, duh. How dumb is everyone on this show? She hears someone humming, then bumps into Norman. She tells him to let her go. He acts like crazy, wacky Norman. She manages to get out of her coat, momentarily getting away from Norman, but Blair is on her other side. She runs away, screaming for help. She tries to scale a fence, but isn't strong enough. She goes through a hole on the bottom. Blair gets there in time to grab one of her legs, but she gets through. She tries to flag a passing car, screaming desperately, but it doesn't stop. Blair scales the fence. Giles pulls up, and she gets in. Blair hangs onto the side of the car, but eventually falls off. We see a ground shot of Norman's wacky legs as he observes the scene, holding Buffy's red coat.

Library. Buffy tells Giles that she needs her powers back. Giles, bracing himself, opens the case containing the needle and comes clean, explaining that he injected her with an organic compound of muscle relaxants and adrenal suppressors. Uh, they had those twelve centuries ago? Buffy looks like he told her that he ate her puppy. He says she'll have her strength back in a few days. She manages to ask why he did it, and he tells her about the test. He turns his back and tries to take refuge in clinically informing her about Norman's history, saying that he tortured and murdered more than a dozen women before being committed to a hospital for the criminally insane, until Buffy lets fly. She tells him off with equal parts anger, betrayal, and sadness. He urgently tries to make her understand, telling her that his role was dictated by tradition, but she only asks how he could do that to her. He apologizes again and moves forward, but she says she'll kill him if he touches her. He plays his last card, saying that the test is invalidated because of what he's told her, and that he'll do whatever it takes to win back her trust. At this point, Cordelia walks in, saying that she needs to research a paper. Buffy turns to go. Giles tells her it's not safe for her to walk home alone. Buffy: "I don't know you." Ouch. Cordy, mistakenly thinking that Buffy has amnesia, tells her he's Giles, and that "he hangs out here a lot." Funny, but no "heh." This scene's just no laughing matter. Buffy asks Cordy to drive her home. In one of her finest moments on the show, Cordy doesn't ask any questions, but sedately assents. They leave. Giles stands there, utterly defeated.

Joyce, chez Summers, hears a noise on the porch. She opens the door, and sees Buffy's red coat covering a figure. She asks, "Buffy?" and steps forward. The figure rolls over, and it's Norman. He smiles, "Mother," as Joyce backs up in fright. God, just shove her in the shower and stab her already. And, bad direction -- she could back right into the house and he wouldn't be able to follow! Commercials.

She's All That. Except not. But I'm glad that movies have gotten over the need to use "Kiss Me" on their soundtracks.

Buffy enters her house through the kitchen door. She slides the flowers from her father into the trash. As she walks further in, she sees that the front door is open. There's a Polaroid taped to the frame. It's of Norman holding Joyce by the neck. I think she's supposed to be scared, but it's could just be that he has really bad breath. Buffy flips over the picture, which simply says, "Come." Cut to her bedroom, where she packs a bag full of Slayer-y stuff, including a large vial of holy water. She's taken the time to put her hair up and change clothes. Yeah, I don't get it either. She walks out, having difficulty carrying the heavy bag.

Bates Motel basement. We see Joyce, gagged and bound to a chair, as we hear Norman's voice saying, "Mother? May I call you 'Mother'?" He snaps a few Polaroids and blathers about how horrible his mother was and how he killed and ate her. He says he plans to turn Buffy into a vampire, and to watch as she kills Joyce. He "wackily" admits that he has a problem with mothers. That makes me picture the following conversation:

Norman: Boy, I really hate mothers.
Joss Whedon: Fathers really suck.
Norman: It's mothers that really get me.
Joss: Nah, fathers are the worst.
Norman: I killed and ate my mother.
Joss: On my shows, I depict fathers as abandoning ogres every chance I get.
Norman: You should try eating your father.
Joss: I think I will.

Buffy enters the Bates Motel. This bugs me: Shouldn't she have Angel with her? He used to have a phone; if he doesn't still, that's just dumb. And even if he doesn't, maybe she could have spent the time she used to change and get a bag ready to, you know, run over to the mansion and get him? Anyway. She leaves a stake wedged in the doorway to keep the door open. I don't think that door locks, but okay. She wields a crossbow, and looks around. The music builds as she opens a door, but the other side is bricked up. A hand reaches for the stake in the front door, and pulls it away. It's Blair. Buffy hears the door close and looks wigged.

By Couch Baron

Buffy crashes down to where Joyce is. Very shortly after, Norman busts through the door and comes down the stairs. Buffy, from off-screen, lamely tries to rush past him, but he throws her down. He grabs the pills from her and downs them with a glass of water sitting to a pitcher he had ostensibly left there. The seizure over, he starts to blather again, until he catches himself mid-sentence: "Oh my. What have you -- my pills!" Buffy, with a hard expression on her face, displays an empty vial of holy water as Norman starts to shake. She gloats, "If I was at full Slayer power I'd be punning right about now." Hee. She'd probably even be using the subjunctive. Norman combusts from the inside. Good. I hated his wacky ass, in case you couldn't tell. Sometimes I'm not clear about these things. Buffy tries to undo Joyce's knots, but doesn't have the strength. We hear a vamp growl, and Blair and Giles fly by in a tangled mess. They briefly fight, and Giles no-look-stakes him. He looks at Buffy pleadingly. Her expression is inscrutable.

Library. Travers congratulates Buffy on passing the test, and says that the Council is pleased. Must be convenient only to have to rehearse the "pass" speech. Or maybe he delivers the "fail" speech to the Slayer's headstone. Buffy berates him. They're all still wearing the same clothes. Travers: "You think the test was unfair." Buffy: "I think you better leave town before I get my strength back." Giles also tells him to leave, saying they're finished. Travers again begs to differ, saying that Giles flunked his part of the test, then cans Giles on the grounds that he has "a father's love for the child." Buffy seems to process that. Travers recommends that Giles have no further contact with Buffy. Giles isn't having that, and Travers isn't surprised, but says not to interfere with the new Watcher. Would killing him count as interfering? Travers congratulates Buffy again. Buffy: "Bite me." Travers: "Yes, well. Colorful girl." He leaves. Buffy closes her eyes, wincing in pain from the particularly nasty-looking cut on her forehead. She reaches for a damp cloth, but Giles comes over and takes it from her. She lets him. He reaches for her forehead, and he, she, and any number of viewers might start crying at any moment.

Summers kitchen. Willow's trying to come to terms with the fact that Giles has been fired. Oz asks how Buffy managed to kill Norman. Joyce proudly says that Buffy was very clever. Willow, in a panic: "Now, when you say 'fired,' do you mean 'fired'?" Xander: "You're not cruising past that concept any time soon, are you?" Willow goes on a bit more, but Buffy points out that Giles is still the librarian. She says the important thing is that she kept up her "special birthday tradition of gut-wrenching misery and horror." Just wait until you get into your thirties, honey. She struggles with a jar of peanut butter, and Xander offers to help. "Admit it, sometimes you just need a big, strong man." He can't open it either. "Uh, Will, give me a hand with that?" Ha!

By Couch Baron

Giles, at the library, is trying to call Travers when the man himself walks in. Travers says he was on watch at the house (I suppose outside), and he knows what happened. Another nitpick: Wouldn't VampBlair have known that Travers would be outside, and gone to have a nice English breakfast? Giles berates him, but Travers says it changes nothing. Giles triumphantly says he told Buffy everything, and that there will be no test. Travers begs to differ, saying that Buffy entered the house ten minutes earlier. Giles wants to know why, but Travers doesn't know, saying he returned there just as she was entering (although why he returned there is beyond me). Giles is out of there.

Buffy tries another door, but it's locked. Blair appears behind her. She whirls and shoots the crossbow, but her aim is way off. He grabs her by the throat. She kicks him and manages to throw him away. I can believe that her martial-arts techniques would still be somewhat effective, although I wonder why she didn't use them when she was in trouble earlier. She pushes a bookcase onto Blair and beats him with what looks like some sort of fireplace implement, although I can't tell for sure in the dim light. She grabs her bag and gets away from him. She hears Norman's wacky voice: "Hide and seek!" "Pork and beans" was funnier, so again: Cram it, Norman. Buffy approaches the crate, when it suddenly opens and Norman pops out. He relieves her of her bag and grabs her. He crazy-talks in a Little Red Riding Hood theme. It's boring. She fends him off with a cross, but he grabs it and holds it inside his shirt, saying, "Oh, yes. Just a little lower." Okay, that was funny. Wacky, but funny. Buffy looks horrified, and flees. She enters the bedroom, and doesn't even flinch upon seeing Hobson's corpse. She unsuccessfully looks for a weapon. Terrified, she walks out the other entrance. Deciding to act, she runs up the stairs, but Norman grabs her through the banister supports. She grabs a piece of wood and flails at him. Not being crazy enough to risk getting staked, he goes for the stairs. Buffy runs upstairs, with Norman in pursuit.

By Couch Baron

Buffy tries some doors on the second floor. She finds one that's unlocked, and rushes in and closes it behind her. It's pitch-black. She turns on the light, and the music kicks up to a new level of creepy. There are hundreds of Polaroids stuck on the wall, although I can't tell if all of them are of Joyce. Buffy, now freaked to the point where she's actually whimpering, runs out, but Norman accosts her. He grabs her and leans in to bite her. It looks like game over until he grabs his head in pain. He fumbles with his bottle of pills. Damn vampire-proof caps. Buffy, thinking quickly, grabs it away from him and runs. He chases her, but she dives down a laundry chute.

By Couch Baron

Sorry if this recap wasn't up to my usual level of snark, but it's really not a funny episode. I'll make up for it with "The Zeppo" -- I promise.