The Zeppo

Previouslys. "You're fired." Giles is going to Disney World!

Or not. We open underground. A blue-faced demon with red eyes growls and looks around. A swirling white mist obscures its vision. The camera, in turn, shows Faith (thank God), Buffy, and Giles, standing stock-still in various niches along the wall. Willow appears from around a corner. She finishes an incantation, and blows out a large candle she's holding. The mist dissipates. Giles and Buffy grab the demon and pin it to the wall, but it's strong enough to throw Giles away without much leverage. However, Buffy manages to hold it long enough for Faith to stab it in the heart with a ginormous sword. The demon falls to the ground, dead. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief. Buffy's hair is crimped. At least there's a bright side to Xander being the focus of this episode -- I won't have to see as much of Buffy's awful 'do. Giles opines that the demon was the last in the nest. Buffy gives Willow props for her "clouding spell." Faith wonders what the demons were up to, but Giles says that a lot of his contacts have dried up since he was fired. Huh? I thought it was all research and Willy. He says that he had expected the nest to be vampires, and that these demons are new. He continues that he should never have allowed "Willow and, uh. And, uh"

On cue, something shifts under some garbage. Xander climbs out and babbles butt-monkeyish things. He looks shaky enough that Buffy worriedly says that he could get hurt -- "or killed," Faith finishes. Buffy continues that instead of leaping into the fray, he could be "fray-adjacent." Xander says that he distracted the lead demon by allowing her to pummel him. Faith: "Yeah, that was real manly how you shrieked and all." Hee. But you'll be making a man out of him soon enough. Buffy changes the subject, asking if they should burn the demons' bodies. Willow: "I brought marshmallows!" They look at her. "Occasionally, I'm callous and strange." Ha! Although I don't consider that particularly callous or strange. In fact, I probably would have brought hot dogs and beer, too. Giles says that burning them won't be necessary; he just wants to find out if they can expect more of them. Buffy hopes not, as "they're way too fit." They start to file out. Giles echoes Buffy's advice that Xander should try to stay out of the thick of the battle. Xander, in a whiny voice: "But gee, Mr. White, if Clark and Lois get all the good stories I'll never be a good reporter!" Giles is perplexed, and Xander observes that Jimmy Olson jokes are lost on him. Me too -- wasn't he a photographer? I suppose he wanted to be a reporter. Still, I don't care. Shut up, Xander. Credits.

Simply Irresistible. I love SMG, but please.

School courtyard. Two guys throw a football around. Xander dorkily tries to get them to throw it to him. He's so dorky that everyone in the courtyard, including Cordelia, notices. One of them finally relents, just to shut him up, I'd guess. Xander runs to catch the high pass, but bobbles it, knocking a sandwich out of the hands of a dude that's sitting down. The dude's played by Channon Roe, of Kindred: The Embraced "fame." He also played the pick-up-driving gay-basher in Boogie Nights. I used to think he was really hot. What happened? Xander nervously apologizes. Channon, whose name is fittingly Jack O'Toole, asks him if he's retarded. Xander: "No! I had to take that test when I was seven. A little slow on some stuff, mostly math and spatial relations, but certainly not challenged or anything." I think he should take it again. O'Toole, who henceforth will simply be called Tool, tells Xander he ought to cut his face open. Xander says it was just an accident. Tool: "You wanna be startin' somethin'?" Oh, cram it, Shoulder McChip. There are better actors to emulate than Dennis Hopper. Xander dorks it up some more by actually singing some of "Wanna Be Startin' Something." I consider getting a drink, even though it's only 2:30 in the afternoon. Tool says that when he gets his buddies together, they'll kick Xander ass. You need help to beat up Xander, tough guy? That's not doing much for your street cred. Xander walks away, shaken.

Cordy, who has observed the entire scene, waits for Xander. "Boy, of all the humiliations you've had that I've witnessed, that was the latest." She goes on that Tool is a psycho, but that that's cooler than being a wuss. Instead of telling her to shove it, Xander complains that he's faced many terrifying things, but he's still afraid of Tool. Cordy: "Because unlike all those other creatures that you've come face-to-face with, O'Toole actually noticed you were there." That sounds like an oxymoron to me. Cordy goes on that it must be hard for Xander when all of his friends have some sort of powers and he has nothing. She smirks that he's "the boy who had no cool." You know, I liked Cordy in just about every mood she had on the show, but this super-smug one was a big exception. He tries to tell her that he's an integral part of the group. Cordy: "Xander, you're the useless part of the group. You're the Zeppo. 'Cool' -- look it up. It's something that a sub-literate that's repeated twelfth grade three times has, and you don't." Turning away, she smugs to herself, "There was no part of that that wasn't fun."

I beg to differ. I've been tough on Xander in the past for being self-righteous, but I would never label him a wuss. In examples as varied as "The Pack," "Inca Mummy Girl," and "Becoming Part One," he's displayed admirable courage. Cordy certainly knows this. And I don't buy her going out of her way to give Xander such a hard time at this point. It would be one thing if she were still bitter about the break-up, but that's not the tone she was emitting at all. She was just being mean for the sake of being mean, which in my opinion is a rare false note for her character at this point in the series. Plus, as an aside, I hate that Xander only remembers his soldier training when it's convenient to the plot. Soldier Xander could kick Tool's ass with one hand and make coffee with the other. All right. On with the episode. For now.

Cafeteria. Xander tries to discuss with Oz what makes a person cool. I love Xander/Oz interaction, but it's not the easiest to recap. Xander notes that Oz is cool, and wonders if it's due to Oz's ability to express himself in short, noncommittal phrases. Oz: "Could be." Heh. Xander thinks it could also be because Oz is in a band, and decides that he should learn an instrument. "Is it hard to play guitar?" Oz: "Not the way I play it." Xander says he needs something that nobody else has. Xander: "What do I have?" Oz: "An exciting new obsession." Hee. Oz suggests that Xander is suffering from an identity crisis, and it's not

"The end of the world," Giles says. God, the cuts in this episode are clunky and ham-fisted. In fact, just about everything about this episode is. We're in the library now, by the way. Giles says that the demons they fought are called "The Sisterhood Of Jhe," and that they exist solely to bring about the world's destruction. I love Giles and all, but shouldn't "demons that exist solely to destroy the world" be a category he's got memorized by now? Crimpy McDo wants to know why they're in Sunnydale, but is interrupted by Oz coming in to lock himself in the cage. Great, no more Oz this episode. Sigh. Giles and Buffy resume their discussion, and he says that the Sisterhood intends to open the Hellmouth. Buffy looks nervously at the spot where the Hellmouth opened the last time. Cut to Werewolf-Oz, giving a very cheesy howl. Well, it makes as much sense as anything else in this episode.

Buffy and Willow walk outside the school. Blah blah blah Hellmouth-exposition-cakes. Willow says that she has recurring nightmares about the Hellmouth, as well as about academic failure and public nudity. "In fact, once I dreamt that it attacked me while I was late for a test, and naked." Buffy flatlines, "The world will be overrun with demons if we don't stop it." I'm choosing to believe that ME didn't even try to sell the idea that they were facing the end of the world. I was more worried in "Doomed," and that's saying a lot. Buffy says that they're headed into "deep research mode," and invites Willow to join. This episode is killing me. Firstly, from Buffy's hair, which is less crimpy, I deduce that they waited until the day to even mobilize for research. The line at the DMV moves faster than that. And since when would they even think of doing research without a core member of the Scoobies -- Xander included? Buffy flatlines again, "There's something about this one that scares me." You mean besides the world ending? She sounds like she's more scared of breaking a nail.

The girls are startled by a car horn. It's Xander. He looks great in a black jacket, a vintage patterned shirt, and shades. He's driving a very cool light blue '50s-looking car. I'll rely on some ditz later in the episode for the car's specs. Instead of being suitably impressed, Buffy snits, "What is this?" It's called a "car," Princess of Attitude. You've wanted one for ages, and his is awesome. Get over yourself. Willow asks how Xander can afford it, but he says his Uncle Rory is renting it to him. Buffy finally insincerely manages that the car is "nice." You know, when I like Xander more than anyone else in an episode, it's ten pounds of ugly in a five-pound bag, you know what I'm saying? Thank God for Faith. Xander notes her lack of enthusiasm. Buffy: "Sorry." Willow: "Evil." They discuss the magnitude of the evil. Xander earnestly says he'll do whatever he can to help.

Cut to Xander ordering doughnuts. Oh, the irony! The cleverness! The originality! And by that, I mean "the predictability, the stupidity, the triteness." Sheesh. I like Xander-bashing more than the guy, but not for things that are out of character and make no sense. Cordelia just happens by, noting that there must be some evil going on. She continues where she left off earlier, saying that he's expendable. Considering that they actually face death on a regular basis, that's a truly awful thing to say. Xander, for his part, at least tries to leave this time. Cordy keeps it up, saying that a new car won't change his image. "Like anybody even cares about" -- "Is that your car?" It's a fairly pretty blonde interrupting. Xander acknowledges that it is. Blonde Girl: "'57 Chevy Bel Air, 283 CID, solid lifter, fuel-injected V8?" Xander: "Uh, very possibly!" Hee. BG asks how "she" handles. Xander: "Like a dream about warm, sticky things." He invites her for a ride. She asks if he's busy. Uh, he just invited you for a ride. Get with the program, Blondie. He says that once he drops off the doughnuts, he's "expendable," as he shoots a glance at Cordelia. She looks like she just swallowed gum. They peel out.

The Bronze. BG is telling Xander about her past boyfriends. It's apparent that she's a car slut. Not like that (although I wouldn't discount the possibility) -- I mean that she's only interested in guys because of their cars. Okay, that's kind of funny. Xander's clearly not enjoying himself. Angel walks in, and Xander pops up and calls his name eagerly. He invites Angel to join them, but he says he's looking for Buffy. This is so fucking contrived -- I hate this structuring of Xander's one-by-one meetings with the other characters. Angel, did you, like, maybe call the library, where Buffy's been all day? And did Buffy, in the day-plus that she's known about the Hellmouth opening, think maybe to tell Angel, one of the three strongest fighters for good in Sunnydale and no small wealth of information about the demon world as well? Where's my cocktail? Angel says he's seen portents of an apocalypse, and Xander confirms that and tells Angel the gang is on it. He suggests that they go help, but Angel says Xander should stay out of harm's way. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. He leaves. BG asks Xander to go for another drive.

Xander complains to BG that he puts himself on the line for the Scoobs a lot. "They act like I'm some kind of klutz." BOOM! Xander hits the parked car in front of him. Whether the noise was cause by the impact of the two cars meeting or the clunkiness of that gag is impossible to tell. Xander gets out, muttering to himself that it's a fender-bender and not -- Tool gets out of the car -- "the end of the world." Now Contrivance is throwing recycled anvils at me. I'm never going to make it through this episode.

In the library, Oz growls. Willow wonders if he can sense the imminent apocalypse. Buffy locates a passage about the Sisterhood of Jhe, which describes them as fierce female warriors that celebrate victory in battle by eating their foes. Buffy: "They couldn't just pour Gatorade on each other?" Yeah, you're really shaking in your boots, Buffy. At least Willow's trying to act nervous. And Buffy's hair is now up and super-crimped. Bleah. Giles comes out of the office, seething that the Council won't even take his calls. Buffy says she intends to check out Willy's. Giles says he's going to attempt to contact the "Spirit Guides," entities that exist "out of time, with knowledge of the future." It would be so entertaining if they manifested themselves as Darth Burger. He goes on a bit more until he notices the doughnut plate: "Did you eat all the jellies?" Buffy: "Did you want a jelly?" Giles: "I always have a jelly. I'm always the one that says, 'Let's have a jelly in the mix.'" Willow: "We're sorry. Buffy had three." Hee. I put that whole exchange in because it's a refreshing break from the heavy-handedness of most of the rest of the episode. Giles suggests that Xander could get more, but Buffy reiterates her opinion that Xander should stay where it's safe. Since. Fucking. When?

Outside the Bronze. Now I'm forced to repeat my own joke about repeating anvils. Xander babbles an apology, but Tool pulls out a large Bowie knife. Xander says it looks more like a sword. I'll refrain from making allusions to Shakespearean sword metaphors. Tool says that it's named "Katie." Xander: "You gave it a girl's name. How very serial-killer of you." Xander makes to leave, but Tool puts the knife to his ear, and asks if he's scared. Xander: "Would that make you happy?" Tool says that Xander must feel pathetic. Yeah, from being seen with the likes of you. Tool blathers that the difference between them is that Xander has more fear. To prove his point, he puts the knife in Xander's hand. BG picks this moment to say that she's bored. In an ideal world, Xander plunges the knife into her eye, and he and Tool grab a beer and giggle like schoolgirls, ending the episode. I would have settled for Xander running away now, which would be the logical thing to do. However, this is the hell known as "The Zeppo," so Xander merely says to BG, "I'm really sorry my life-and-death situation isn't exciting enough for you!" Tool grabs him and throws him down on the hood of the car, and they struggle for the knife. A light shines on Tool, and a cop approaches as they disengage. The cop asks what's going on. Tool says they were just "wrastling." Dude, only one person on this show can get away with saying "wrastling," and her name is Faith. Shut up, Tool. The cop recognizes Tool, and asks Xander if Tool attacked him. In an actual display of wussiness, Xander says no, and that they're just "two guys wrastling, but not in a gay way." Actually, it was in a gay way, but not in the same-sex-attraction meaning of the word "gay." The cop leaves, and Tool looks at Xander in a dually gay way. "Coulda narced on me, didn't do it. It's decent of you." For a discussion on the use of the word "narced," let's hear from Sars. ["Colloquial English had evolved well past the use of 'to narc' as a verb at the time this episode aired, so I imagine we're to assume that it's a satirical use of the word, but as it does so many times in this ep, the satire fails. In short, shut up, Tool. You too, Vebber." -- Sars] Tool smarms, "I like you." Xander offers his patented insincere "Yay?" that always makes me giggle. Tool asks if they want to have some fun. Is BG still there? Yeah, as she broken-records about driving. Tool says he was on his way to "get the boys," and "suggests" that they take Xander's car. Xander asks about Tool's car. Tool: "Ain't mine." Ha. Ha. Dickhead. They pile in as Xander asks, "So where are the boys?"

Library. A large symbol is painted over the Hellmouth spot. Giles recites something in Latin. Willow comes back to report that Oz is safely moved. Giles explains that he'll finish the ritual while she stands back. "Who knows what's going to come up from beneath us." And because they want to torture me some more, that question is answered with a cut to the basement, where the Deadas have finished constructing the bomb. They set it to go off in an hour. Commercials.

Hyperion Bay. I don't even remember that show. How long did it last? ["Seventeen episodes. You're welcome." -- Sars]

Xander drives along, muttering that Giles will know what to do. He encounters the Deadas. They try to flag him down, but he grabs Thriller Boy and holds him outside the car as he drives. He asks where the bomb is. Thriller Boy tells him where it is. Xander: "I'm gonna ask you this once, and you'd better pray you get the answer right. How do I dis--" Thriller Boy's decapitated by a mailbox. I guess that's karmic payback for all the times he played mailbox baseball. Xander drives towards the school with the other three in pursuit. The Wacky Music Of This Is Trying To Be A Clever Parody And Failing Miserably plays. It's been playing almost the entire time that Xander has been onscreen. I've been trying to ignore it. Xander runs into the school. He asks, "Where's a Slayer when you need one?"

Library. The Scoobs are arrayed near the entrance. They gape at the Hellmouth. Giles: "My God. It's grown." I think it's vodka tonic time. Behind him, Xander runs by, as do the three remaining Deadas. Blond Boy stops at the window to watch. The Scoobs stand there, doing nothing. At least that's a consistent theme in this episode.

The three goons have lost Xander. They fan out. Meathead grabs an axe. "Good for chopping." And here I thought "axe not gonna cut it" didn't have a precursor. Blech. Xander, in the lounge, is set upon by Meathead. Xander gets the better of him, and uses the axe to tip a soda machine onto his head. In a probably unintentional funny moment, Meathead doesn't even react as the soda machine falls. Blond Boy appears and sees Meathead's no-longer-animated corpse. Xander appears, wielding the axe. "You shoulda learned by now, if you're gonna play with fire, you gotta expect sooner or later --" Blonde Boy runs. Xander: "I wasn't finished!" Heh. "Note to self: Less talk." Wordy-fucking-word.

The library doors open, and Buffy is thrown through them about thirty feet. A few of the Hellmouth's heads shriek at her. She yells, "Faith! Go for the heart!" as she runs back in. This is another moment that should have been played for laughs, but doesn't come off as funny at all.