Homecoming

I remember the thrill of anticipation I would get at 7:59 on Tuesday nights in 1998. I would feel such a frisson when the creepy music would play and the young viewer's advisory would appear. I miss those days, but recapping this episode takes me back, and the massive amount of snark in this episode means I barely have to do any work. Crank up the Bitch-O-Meter!

We open with a pensive (read: mopey) Buffy sitting in the Bronze. The camera pans out to reveal that she's surrounded by Cordy, Xander, Willow, and Oz. They're making plans for the Homecoming dance. Cordy and Willow want to get a limo. Xander's worried about the cost, and Oz suggests that they could take his van. Cordy: "Van? The Homecoming Queen doesn't go to the dance in a van. Use your head." Xander points out that she hasn't been elected yet. Now, I should tell you that I wasn't being hypothetical with that earlier mention of the Bitch-O-Meter. To keep track of the numerous bitchy moments in this episode, I decided to buy an actual Bitch-O-Meter. It rates bitchy moments on a scale of one to ten. It's on. We're ready. Here's the first example: Cordy shoots Xander that look where she stares at him and allows her jaw to drop a little in disbelief, sort of like, "You really screwed up saying that, but repent and all shall be forgiven." It gets a four on the Bitch-O-Meter. Xander does repent, even backpedaling on the limo issue. Willow thinks a limo would be fun, and that they could all split the cost. Buffy snaps out of her trance, and says she's not sure if she's going. Willow: "Why wouldn't you go? You already have your tickets! I mean, unless you don't have a da" -- Scott joins them and looks at Willow -- "ay or two to think about it. We should all think about it." Hee. Cordy asks if Scott didn't ask Buffy to the Homecoming dance. She didn't ask to embarrass Buffy, but of course that's the effect. Scott lisps that he thought Buffy would think it was corny, and this precipitates an "I'll go if you will" conversation that's really not boring or painful or tired at all!

Bitch-O-Meter: Dude, that was a five.
Couch Baron: What? You're supposed to be rating bitchy moments from the show, not my recap!
Bitch-O-Meter: Hey, I call 'em as I see 'em.
Couch Baron: Look. I bought you to help me with this recap. Stick to that, or I'll gravity-test you. We're on the twenty-first floor, you know.
Bitch-O-Meter: That was an eight.

Sorry, we're having issues. Anyway, Oz makes me love him even more by ending the "I'll go if you will" exchange by saying, "The judges will accept that as a yes." Scott asks Buffy if she'd like another drink, but she lies that she's going to go home. She says that she's excited about the dance. He lies that he is too. She gives him the last kiss he'll ever have from a girl.

The mansion. Angel is nervously breathing (?) and pacing. He hears something, pulls open the curtains, and shrieks louder than I did when I saw Tenia's pink dress on American Idol. Well, not really, but he might as well have, he looks so scared. But it's only Buffy, bearing a container of blood. She asks how he's feeling, and he replies, "It hurts -- less." Buffy's glad. She tells him that she hasn't told Giles and the others he's back. David Boreanaz shows off his acting lessons by putting real emotion behind his echoing of Giles's name, obviously thinking back to the torture scenes in "Becoming Part Two." Angel stands with his back to Buffy as she continues that she's not going to tell them. "They wouldn't understand that you're -- better." I don't buy that statement at all. Yes, they would be shocked and upset, but since they all know that Willow tried to restore his soul, I think they could accept that she succeeded. Unless Buffy's buying time to come to grips with the whole situation emotionally. But would she really do something that's all about her? Never mind, I answered my own question. She continues, "And I'm going to help you get better. It's just that everything's different now." She continues that she's trying a lot harder in school, which frankly I don't see how she has the time for. She breaks the news that she's seeing someone, and Angel very quickly turns with a look of such shock and sadness that she flinches. He reaches to touch her, then turns away again. She tells Angel, "He's a nice, solid guy. He makes me happy. And that's what I need right now. Someone I can count on." Good acting in this scene.

The Ironic Segue Fairy, clearly slumming before Six Feet Under was on the air, shows her face as we cut to Scott: "I don't think we should see each other anymore." Buffy: "So you're coming out? I owe Larry ten bucks!" Not really, but that would have been funny. She really says, in a not-really-too-upset voice, "When did this happen? Where was I?" I think that's sort of the point, Buffy. He explains that before they were going out, she seemed "so full of life, like a force of nature," but that now she just seems distracted all the time. I'm distracted too, thanks to the hand gesture with which Scott accompanied that statement. I rode on a float in the Gay Pride Parade in New York a couple of days ago from beginning to end, and I didn't see anything as gay as that hand gesture. Buffy promises a "drastic distraction reduction." You might want to start with that frilly pink top and silly matching purse. Scott isn't having it, apologizes, and feys off into The Big Gay Yonder as sad music plays. Yeah, like Buffy isn't already over him. We now see that she's being watched through a pair of binoculars. The watchers are in a van that contains a lot of high-tech surveillance equipment. They are dressed all in black and seem very German. They're kind of a cross between Sprockets and Hans and Franz. Picture Hans and Franz saying, "Your story has become tiresome." I'm totally calling them Hans and Franz for the rest of the recap. They connect the binoculars to a modem, through which Buffy's image is patched through to a man in a wheelchair. Hey, it's Ian Abercrombie, Mr. Pitt from Seinfeld! He asks, "Is that her?" Mr. Trick appears, looking dashing as ever, and confirms, "In the nubile flesh, my friend. That's the target." Ruh-roh! Credits.

City Hall. We see a man that I can only describe as "twitchy." In fact, that's a good name for him. A female voice tells him that the Mayor will see him now, and with all the foreshadowing, I'm expecting someone who makes Caligula look civilized. Or I was when I first saw this episode. I can't pretend I don't know the Mayor. Twitchy enters the office, holding a folder. He apologizes for bothering the Mayor, and in the foreground we see a pair of hands each drying the other off. Keeping us in suspense as to what he looks like, he replies, "I'm not bothered, Alan." His voice hits "pleasant, but by no means friendly" on the nose. The Mayor sits at his desk, and Twitchy explains that he's not sure if it's a serious matter, but that two men were spotted in town a few days ago. He opens the photo to reveal mug shots of Hans and Franz, and puts the folder down on the desk for the Mayor to inspect. As he does, the camera pans up to show the Mayor's face. It's Harry Groener! He looks so much older than he did in that Star Trek: The Generation episode he was in. "Tin Man," I believe it was called. Twitchy explains that Hans and Franz, who are brothers (in real life as well), are wanted in Germany for several high crimes, including capital murder and terrorism. We also learn that their first names are Frederick and Hans. Oh, great -- way to go and completely ruin a joke for me. I could keep on calling them Hans and Franz now, but I'm a perfectionist. Actually, I'm totally not, but I still think the joke's ruined. Perhaps I can work with my other idea and call them "Team Sprockets." Yeah, I think I could get behind that. Good -- I feel so much better, and I know you do, too.

As Twitchy is talking, the Mayor looks intently at the paper, and even sniffs it. I did that in junior high, but I doubt that it's a rexograph. Twitchy, disconcerted by the Mayor's odd behavior, trails off and seems almost ready to hyperventilate. The Mayor sharply asks him to show him his hands. Twitchy lays them on the desk as if they were covered in barbeque sauce and the desk were a lion's open mouth. The Mayor thinks Twitchy's hands could be cleaner. Twitchy says that he does wash them, but the Mayor admonishes him, "After every meal and under your fingernails. Dirt gets trapped there, and germs. And mayonnaise." I can't even express how much I love him already. First of all, one of my best friends gets mustard under his fingernails all the time. Different condiment, same idea. And the Mayor is terrifying. He hasn't even done anything, and my skin is crawling just contemplating the things he's capable of. He continues, "My dear mother said cleanliness is to godliness, and I believed her. She never caught a cold." He gives a chuckle that makes it sound like he's thinking about Chianti, fava beans, and Twitchy's liver. Oh, and knowing now what he meant by "godliness" makes that statement even creepier. Again, nice with the foreshadowing. As an afterthought, he tells Twitchy to have Team Sprockets watched, and to let him know if any more "colorful characters" are in town. Twitchy says he'll get on it, and the Mayor replies, "You have all my faith. And if you screw up, I'll watch the snuff film of your death and cackle maniacally." Okay, he didn't say that last part, but he might as well have. Twitchy leaves.

Buffy is giving a speech wherein she says that the competition will be "won or lost in the trenches." We see that she's standing in front of a large magic-marker board on which she's detailed the strengths and weaknesses of the other three candidates. Yeah, you're taking school a lot more seriously, Buffy. And if you detail your own weaknesses, you might start with your hideous skirt. I giggle as I see some of the weaknesses on the board: "wears polyester," "dandruff," "too much make-up." Good thing this aired in SMG's pre-makeup-commercial era. Buffy asks Willow to make a database for her to facilitate her campaigning strategy. She starts to give assignments to Oz and Xander when Cordy walks in. Buffy says that since they're all going to the dance together, they should try to get along. Cordy agrees, and asks Willow how the database is coming. Oh, Bitch-O-Meter, I sense some work for you. Cordy calls Xander, Willow, and Oz to her side, and they meekly obey. Cordy: "Thanks for what you said, Buffy. I think we're getting along great. Don't you?" What's this? Turns out this Bitch-O-Meter goes to eleven! Yes, the fact that Cordy not only hit Buffy when she was down, but used her olive branch to do it, sends us into new territory. We've reached the domain of Simon Cowell. The group follows Cordy out. Giles emerges from hiding. Buffy says she's okay, but she "accidentally" crushes a glass bottle in her hand to let us know she's pissed off.

Montage of scenes, which we don't hear over Fastball's "Fire Escape." Buffy and Cordy glare at each other and campaign. The SlayerFest participants prepare themselves. Buffy places one of her posters over one of Cordy's. Hee.

Buffy comes down the stairs, and drops a folder at someone's feet. He picks it up, and we see that it's Scott. He brings up the Homecoming race. She says it's silly, but he doesn't think so. I can see why Scott would take becoming a queen seriously. He tells her he'll vote for her, and she's grateful. After he leaves, she opens a notebook filled with names, and checks his off. Then she "accidentally" drops the folder again. Heh.

The same song, which never stopped, kicks up again as the montage resumes. Buffy in a letterman's outfit, talking to lettermen. She checks off names. She gives people cupcakes. She's shown up by Cordelia. Man, this montage makes you realize what a job of work recapping dialogue is.

Buffy comes up to Willow. Willow's twitchier than Twitchy as she way too loudly asks Buffy how she is. Buffy tells her that it's okay that she's helping Cordelia. Willow disagrees, but says that there are "dark, incomprehensible forces at work." Buffy, in an overly sincere voice: "And I'm sure that they're more important than all we've been through together, or the number of times that I've saved your life." Willow knows she doesn't have a chance, and accedes to Buffy's request to have fifteen minutes alone on Willow's computer with Cordy's database. As Buffy switches gears and details the order in which the limo will pick them all up the following evening, we see that Team Sprockets is watching and listening.