BitchFest '98

S03E05

I remember the thrill of anticipation I would get at 7:59 on Tuesday nights in 1998. I would feel such a frisson when the creepy music would play and the young viewer's advisory would appear. I miss those days, but recapping this episode takes me back, and the massive amount of snark in this episode means I barely have to do any work. Crank up the Bitch-O-Meter!

We open with a pensive (read: mopey) Buffy sitting in the Bronze. The camera pans out to reveal that she's surrounded by Cordy, Xander, Willow, and Oz. They're making plans for the Homecoming dance. Cordy and Willow want to get a limo. Xander's worried about the cost, and Oz suggests that they could take his van. Cordy: "Van? The Homecoming Queen doesn't go to the dance in a van. Use your head." Xander points out that she hasn't been elected yet. Now, I should tell you that I wasn't being hypothetical with that earlier mention of the Bitch-O-Meter. To keep track of the numerous bitchy moments in this episode, I decided to buy an actual Bitch-O-Meter. It rates bitchy moments on a scale of one to ten. It's on. We're ready. Here's the first example: Cordy shoots Xander that look where she stares at him and allows her jaw to drop a little in disbelief, sort of like, "You really screwed up saying that, but repent and all shall be forgiven." It gets a four on the Bitch-O-Meter. Xander does repent, even backpedaling on the limo issue. Willow thinks a limo would be fun, and that they could all split the cost. Buffy snaps out of her trance, and says she's not sure if she's going. Willow: "Why wouldn't you go? You already have your tickets! I mean, unless you don't have a da" -- Scott joins them and looks at Willow -- "ay or two to think about it. We should all think about it." Hee. Cordy asks if Scott didn't ask Buffy to the Homecoming dance. She didn't ask to embarrass Buffy, but of course that's the effect. Scott lisps that he thought Buffy would think it was corny, and this precipitates an "I'll go if you will" conversation that's really not boring or painful or tired at all!

Bitch-O-Meter: Dude, that was a five.
Couch Baron: What? You're supposed to be rating bitchy moments from the show, not my recap!
Bitch-O-Meter: Hey, I call 'em as I see 'em.
Couch Baron: Look. I bought you to help me with this recap. Stick to that, or I'll gravity-test you. We're on the twenty-first floor, you know.
Bitch-O-Meter: That was an eight.

By Couch Baron

Sorry, we're having issues. Anyway, Oz makes me love him even more by ending the "I'll go if you will" exchange by saying, "The judges will accept that as a yes." Scott asks Buffy if she'd like another drink, but she lies that she's going to go home. She says that she's excited about the dance. He lies that he is too. She gives him the last kiss he'll ever have from a girl.

The mansion. Angel is nervously breathing (?) and pacing. He hears something, pulls open the curtains, and shrieks louder than I did when I saw Tenia's pink dress on American Idol. Well, not really, but he might as well have, he looks so scared. But it's only Buffy, bearing a container of blood. She asks how he's feeling, and he replies, "It hurts -- less." Buffy's glad. She tells him that she hasn't told Giles and the others he's back. David Boreanaz shows off his acting lessons by putting real emotion behind his echoing of Giles's name, obviously thinking back to the torture scenes in "Becoming Part Two." Angel stands with his back to Buffy as she continues that she's not going to tell them. "They wouldn't understand that you're -- better." I don't buy that statement at all. Yes, they would be shocked and upset, but since they all know that Willow tried to restore his soul, I think they could accept that she succeeded. Unless Buffy's buying time to come to grips with the whole situation emotionally. But would she really do something that's all about her? Never mind, I answered my own question. She continues, "And I'm going to help you get better. It's just that everything's different now." She continues that she's trying a lot harder in school, which frankly I don't see how she has the time for. She breaks the news that she's seeing someone, and Angel very quickly turns with a look of such shock and sadness that she flinches. He reaches to touch her, then turns away again. She tells Angel, "He's a nice, solid guy. He makes me happy. And that's what I need right now. Someone I can count on." Good acting in this scene.

The Ironic Segue Fairy, clearly slumming before Six Feet Under was on the air, shows her face as we cut to Scott: "I don't think we should see each other anymore." Buffy: "So you're coming out? I owe Larry ten bucks!" Not really, but that would have been funny. She really says, in a not-really-too-upset voice, "When did this happen? Where was I?" I think that's sort of the point, Buffy. He explains that before they were going out, she seemed "so full of life, like a force of nature," but that now she just seems distracted all the time. I'm distracted too, thanks to the hand gesture with which Scott accompanied that statement. I rode on a float in the Gay Pride Parade in New York a couple of days ago from beginning to end, and I didn't see anything as gay as that hand gesture. Buffy promises a "drastic distraction reduction." You might want to start with that frilly pink top and silly matching purse. Scott isn't having it, apologizes, and feys off into The Big Gay Yonder as sad music plays. Yeah, like Buffy isn't already over him. We now see that she's being watched through a pair of binoculars. The watchers are in a van that contains a lot of high-tech surveillance equipment. They are dressed all in black and seem very German. They're kind of a cross between Sprockets and Hans and Franz. Picture Hans and Franz saying, "Your story has become tiresome." I'm totally calling them Hans and Franz for the rest of the recap. They connect the binoculars to a modem, through which Buffy's image is patched through to a man in a wheelchair. Hey, it's Ian Abercrombie, Mr. Pitt from Seinfeld! He asks, "Is that her?" Mr. Trick appears, looking dashing as ever, and confirms, "In the nubile flesh, my friend. That's the target." Ruh-roh! Credits.

City Hall. We see a man that I can only describe as "twitchy." In fact, that's a good name for him. A female voice tells him that the Mayor will see him now, and with all the foreshadowing, I'm expecting someone who makes Caligula look civilized. Or I was when I first saw this episode. I can't pretend I don't know the Mayor. Twitchy enters the office, holding a folder. He apologizes for bothering the Mayor, and in the foreground we see a pair of hands each drying the other off. Keeping us in suspense as to what he looks like, he replies, "I'm not bothered, Alan." His voice hits "pleasant, but by no means friendly" on the nose. The Mayor sits at his desk, and Twitchy explains that he's not sure if it's a serious matter, but that two men were spotted in town a few days ago. He opens the photo to reveal mug shots of Hans and Franz, and puts the folder down on the desk for the Mayor to inspect. As he does, the camera pans up to show the Mayor's face. It's Harry Groener! He looks so much older than he did in that Star Trek: The Generation episode he was in. "Tin Man," I believe it was called. Twitchy explains that Hans and Franz, who are brothers (in real life as well), are wanted in Germany for several high crimes, including capital murder and terrorism. We also learn that their first names are Frederick and Hans. Oh, great -- way to go and completely ruin a joke for me. I could keep on calling them Hans and Franz now, but I'm a perfectionist. Actually, I'm totally not, but I still think the joke's ruined. Perhaps I can work with my other idea and call them "Team Sprockets." Yeah, I think I could get behind that. Good -- I feel so much better, and I know you do, too.

As Twitchy is talking, the Mayor looks intently at the paper, and even sniffs it. I did that in junior high, but I doubt that it's a rexograph. Twitchy, disconcerted by the Mayor's odd behavior, trails off and seems almost ready to hyperventilate. The Mayor sharply asks him to show him his hands. Twitchy lays them on the desk as if they were covered in barbeque sauce and the desk were a lion's open mouth. The Mayor thinks Twitchy's hands could be cleaner. Twitchy says that he does wash them, but the Mayor admonishes him, "After every meal and under your fingernails. Dirt gets trapped there, and germs. And mayonnaise." I can't even express how much I love him already. First of all, one of my best friends gets mustard under his fingernails all the time. Different condiment, same idea. And the Mayor is terrifying. He hasn't even done anything, and my skin is crawling just contemplating the things he's capable of. He continues, "My dear mother said cleanliness is to godliness, and I believed her. She never caught a cold." He gives a chuckle that makes it sound like he's thinking about Chianti, fava beans, and Twitchy's liver. Oh, and knowing now what he meant by "godliness" makes that statement even creepier. Again, nice with the foreshadowing. As an afterthought, he tells Twitchy to have Team Sprockets watched, and to let him know if any more "colorful characters" are in town. Twitchy says he'll get on it, and the Mayor replies, "You have all my faith. And if you screw up, I'll watch the snuff film of your death and cackle maniacally." Okay, he didn't say that last part, but he might as well have. Twitchy leaves.

School. The kids take their yearbook photos. Willow smiles, but when nothing happens, she lets her face fall. Then the camera clicks. Hee! Cut to Willow asking Xander to help her pick out an outfit for the dance. They see Cordy. Xander asks what she's doing, and she says she's checking out her competition for Homecoming Queen. There's Holly: "Nice girl, brain-dead. Doesn't have a prayer." The Bitch-O-Meter is at five. And Michelle: "Open to all mankind, especially those with a letterman's jacket and a car." She turns worriedly to Xander: "She could give me a run." Took the joke right out of my recap. Willow wants to know where Buffy is, and Xander says she and Faith are training in the library. They realize Buffy wasn't there the day the picture-taking was announced, and Cordy volunteers to tell her about it.

Faith holds focus pads as Buffy punches away, hard. Faith is impressed: "Guys should break up with you more often." Must. Resist. Sexual. Subtext. Faith clarifies that Buffy's anger is giving her an edge. She tells Buffy to forget Scott, and that they should go together. I can no longer fight the slash. I must, as Omar G would say, embrace the HoYay. Faith says they should "find a couple of studs, use them, and discard them." Buffy's up for it. Meanwhile, Cordy starts to enter the library to tell Buffy about the photos, but instead accosts two guys to try to get their votes.

Outdoor staircase. A teacher descends, and Buffy intercepts her and starts babbling about getting kicked out and needing a teacher's recommendation to get back in. The teacher has no idea who she is, and wonders if she was "absent a lot," despite Buffy saying that the class, "Contemporary American Heroes From Amelia Earhart To Maya Angelou," changed her life. Okay, huh? "Changed her life"? Whatever. And the class sounds like more of a college offering to me, but I went to a public high school. Which Sunnydale High is, of course. Sars, do they have classes like that in high school? ["At my high school, they called that 'English.'" -- Sars] And since there's no explanation of what Buffy actually did about the recommendation, I can only conclude that Snyder was totally bluffing. But would he do that just to make Buffy's life miserable? Right, never mind.

Buffy's sitting at a table in the cafeteria with Oz, Willow, and Xander. Cordy appears in the foreground to solicit a passerby's vote. Buffy whinges that she doesn't exist at school, and offhandedly mentions that the yearbook at Hemery was "the story of [her]," which is the gang's cue to tell her that she missed the photos. Buffy, upon learning that Cordy was supposed to tell her about them, marches over to her and demands an explanation. Cordy says she forgot, and wants to know the big deal. Buffy thinks Cordy could have given her a moment's thought. Cordy says she's under a lot of pressure, and Buffy's unsympathetic. The Bitch-O-Meter is all warmed up, people. Cordy: "What would you know about it? Just because you were Guacamole Queen when you were three doesn't mean you understand how this works!" We've hit eight, ladies and gentlemen. We're in Prue Halliwell territory. And the rest of the exchange is so bitchy it deserved to be quoted in its entirety:

Buffy: Obviously it involves handing out entirely lame flyers.
Cordy: No, it involves being part of this school and having actual friends. Now, if it was [sic] about monsters, blood, and innards, then you'd be a shoo-in. I'd like to see you try to win the crown.
Buffy: You would? [Cordy sniffs.] Then you will.
Cordy: What does that mean?
Buffy: I'm gonna show you how it's done. I'm gonna run for Homecoming Queen and I'm going to win.
Cordy: This is starting to be sad.
Buffy: Sorry, Cordy, but you have no idea who you're messing with.
Cordy: What, the Slayer?
Buffy: I'm not talking about the Slayer. I'm talking about Buffy. You've awakened the prom queen within. And that crown is going to be mine.

The Bitch-O-Meter was at ten -- the domain of Bette Davis -- for that exchange.

Nice segue to Mr. Trick, giving a speech about the beauty of competition. His audience consists of Team Sprockets, an unidentified hunter-type human, Lyle Gorch (from "Bad Eggs") and a white-trash female vampire whom we soon learn are married to each other, and a yellow-skinned demon who, as Mr. Trick describes it, has "spiny-lookin' head things. I ain't never seen that before." Me neither. Mr. Pitt rolls in, and Mr. Trick sucks on a lollipop, which cracks me up. He tells them that he knows, ostensibly through the surveillance efforts of Team Sprockets, that their targets, Buffy and Faith, will be together the night for the hunt. He welcomes them all to "SlayerFest '98." Commercials.

Meet Joe Black. You know, I enjoy a shirtless Brad Pitt as much as the person, but I don't think it was worth three hours of that drivel.

Willow and Xander, at her house. He's donning his cousin's tux, and she's trying on different outfits behind one of those Japanese screens. Her first selection is a dark red blouse and a white skirt. She looks good. Xander: "Nice." Lisa Loeb's "How" is playing throughout this scene. You know, when I think of Lisa Loeb, the word that comes to mind is not "how," but "why," as in "Why the hell did she have to subject us to the video for 'Stay' where she's skipping around that loft?" Sorry, but if I have to revisit that image, then so do you. And not a word out of you, Bitch-O-Meter. All that being said, the song really works for the scene. Willow's second choice is a brown ensemble that manages to be both nondescript and ugly. Xander: "Nice." She sees he's having trouble with his bow tie, and ties it for him as they wax nostalgic about their eighth grade cotillion. They ask each other how far they've been with their respective significant others, but neither one tells. As Xander finishes buttoning his vest and putting on his jacket, Willow emerges wearing a full-length black dress. She trails off when she sees him, and he draws a sharp breath when he sees her. He looks stunning, and I'm not normally a fan. Same goes for her. She asks what he thinks, then says, "I know. Nice." He corrects her that she looks gorgeous. The sexual tension starts to build. Willow worries about her dancing ability, which is Xander's cue to take her hands, ballroom-style. It's now a foregone conclusion that they'll kiss, and they do, slowly and passionately. They then pull away and start a spazfest, agreeing that the kiss was a "clothes fluke," and spaz some more before almost kissing again. Xander says they have to get out of the clothes. Realizing the innuendo, they spaz yet again and run away from each other to change.

Buffy is giving a speech wherein she says that the competition will be "won or lost in the trenches." We see that she's standing in front of a large magic-marker board on which she's detailed the strengths and weaknesses of the other three candidates. Yeah, you're taking school a lot more seriously, Buffy. And if you detail your own weaknesses, you might start with your hideous skirt. I giggle as I see some of the weaknesses on the board: "wears polyester," "dandruff," "too much make-up." Good thing this aired in SMG's pre-makeup-commercial era. Buffy asks Willow to make a database for her to facilitate her campaigning strategy. She starts to give assignments to Oz and Xander when Cordy walks in. Buffy says that since they're all going to the dance together, they should try to get along. Cordy agrees, and asks Willow how the database is coming. Oh, Bitch-O-Meter, I sense some work for you. Cordy calls Xander, Willow, and Oz to her side, and they meekly obey. Cordy: "Thanks for what you said, Buffy. I think we're getting along great. Don't you?" What's this? Turns out this Bitch-O-Meter goes to eleven! Yes, the fact that Cordy not only hit Buffy when she was down, but used her olive branch to do it, sends us into new territory. We've reached the domain of Simon Cowell. The group follows Cordy out. Giles emerges from hiding. Buffy says she's okay, but she "accidentally" crushes a glass bottle in her hand to let us know she's pissed off.

Montage of scenes, which we don't hear over Fastball's "Fire Escape." Buffy and Cordy glare at each other and campaign. The SlayerFest participants prepare themselves. Buffy places one of her posters over one of Cordy's. Hee.

Buffy comes down the stairs, and drops a folder at someone's feet. He picks it up, and we see that it's Scott. He brings up the Homecoming race. She says it's silly, but he doesn't think so. I can see why Scott would take becoming a queen seriously. He tells her he'll vote for her, and she's grateful. After he leaves, she opens a notebook filled with names, and checks his off. Then she "accidentally" drops the folder again. Heh.

The same song, which never stopped, kicks up again as the montage resumes. Buffy in a letterman's outfit, talking to lettermen. She checks off names. She gives people cupcakes. She's shown up by Cordelia. Man, this montage makes you realize what a job of work recapping dialogue is.

Buffy comes up to Willow. Willow's twitchier than Twitchy as she way too loudly asks Buffy how she is. Buffy tells her that it's okay that she's helping Cordelia. Willow disagrees, but says that there are "dark, incomprehensible forces at work." Buffy, in an overly sincere voice: "And I'm sure that they're more important than all we've been through together, or the number of times that I've saved your life." Willow knows she doesn't have a chance, and accedes to Buffy's request to have fifteen minutes alone on Willow's computer with Cordy's database. As Buffy switches gears and details the order in which the limo will pick them all up the following evening, we see that Team Sprockets is watching and listening.

By Couch Baron

Meet Joe Black. You know, I enjoy a shirtless Brad Pitt as much as the person, but I don't think it was worth three hours of that drivel.

Buffy walks out of her house to the limo. Her hair is up, and she's wearing an orange dress. Wouldn't have been my choice. And what's with the change purse? Anyway, she gets in to find a sullen-looking Cordelia in a shiny light green dress. I'm reminded of Maggie Smith in Gosford Park: "Difficult color, green." My poor Bitch-O-Meter wouldn't have lasted five minutes in that movie. And doesn't anyone wear black anymore? Of course, I'm from New York, so I'm biased. Black t-shirts, that's me. Recap? Oh, right. Buffy asks where Faith is, and Cordy hands her a letter. It's from their friends, saying that they're not riding with them because their group friendship is more important than who wins Homecoming Queen. It ends with, "The limo was not cheap -- work it out." Buffy notices there's a corsage, and Cordy digs, "I took the orchid." Buffy snits, "Okay." We see that the limo driver is a member of Team Sprockets. He's also pretty damn hot. In a German kind of way.

The limo drives down a dark road. Cordy and Buffy are bitching (to what degree, I can no longer gauge). We're meant to think they're working out their problems, but it turns out they're going on about Cordy taking the orchid. The limo stops, and they hear the driver run away. They get out to find themselves by the woods. They see a TV and VCR set up on a flat rock, with a big sign that says, "Press Play." Well, why not? It's not like it could explode or anything. Oh wait, it totally could. Buffy bites, and Mr. Trick appears on the screen, welcoming them to the SlayerFest. He explains that they are the hunted, and they have seconds to run for their lives. "Faith. Buffy. Have a nice death." Cordy protests loudly that she's not a Slayer, and the TV explodes. Just like my poor, lost Bitch-O-Meter. Sniff. The girls run.

The dance. Willow and Xander stand awkwardly, watching Dingoes play. I find it very telling that they're wearing the same outfits that caused the "clothes fluke." Faith approaches them, and wonders why they're so mopey. Maybe it's a passive effect of Angel coming back. Faith looks fantastic. Her hair is up, and she's wearing a simple black (finally!) dress that shows some cleavage, but not too much. She notices Scott dancing with some girl, calls him a "sleazebag" to Willow and Xander, and stalks off. Giles comes up and tells them something terrible has happened. Just kidding! Him, not me. They're not amused.

Buffy and Cordy run through the woods. Buffy, at a warning from Cordy, narrowly avoids getting her foot caught in a very painful-looking steel trap, set by the hunter dude. He moves to shoot them, but Buffy throws the trap at him, causing him to lose his balance and step into another trap. She holds the gun on him, and quickly extracts information from him on who the other players in the game are. Cordy again tries to say she's not a Slayer, but is interrupted by two of the spiny guy's knives flying into a nearby tree. The girls run again.

Scott and his date are dancing when Faith interrupts them. She says, in a voice much higher than usual, "Scott? There you are, honey! Good news -- the doctor says the itching and the swelling and the burning should clear up, but we gotta keep using the ointment." She turns to his date and says, "Hi!" with a bright smile. Then she walks away. Have I ever mentioned how much I love her? And if my beloved Bitch-O-Meter were still with us, Faith's performance probably would have rated a seven -- maybe Alexis Carrington Colby in a good mood. Scott's date gives him a look like, "You got some 'splainin' to do." Pan over to Willow and Xander, looking forlorn. Giles tells them that he's going to retreat to the library until the coronation, but that they did a "fine thing" bringing Buffy and Cordy together. Man, Giles is fidgety in this scene. Why is everyone being such a spaz?

Buffy and Cordy hole up in a shack. That's a shout-out to Shack, even though he called me pathetic. Buffy, gun in hand, shutters some of the windows. Cordy's panicking about all the things she'll never get to do, including finding out "if it's real between [her] and Xander or if it's some temporary insanity that made [her] think [she] loved him." Aw. And I'd go with the insanity choice. Cordy's really falling to pieces, but Buffy tells her that they're going to escape to the library, get weapons, and kill their hunters in time for Cordy to "congratulate [Buffy] on [her] sweeping victory as Homecoming Queen." Cordy: "I know what you're up to. You think if you get me mad enough I won't be so scared. And hey -- it's working. Where's a damn weapon?" Hee. Buffy asks if Cordy really loves Xander, and she says he grows on you, "like a Chia Pet." That is such an appropriate characterization. Cordy finds a spatula, which seems like a strange thing to have in a shack with no kitchen, and a telephone, but ditzes that the spatula makes a better weapon. It does have a wooden handle, at least. That'll be important later. Buffy gives her a "get a clue, you dolt" look.

Mr. Pitt zeroes in on their position on his computer, and detects a telephone. Buffy's leaving Giles a message when the phone is cut off. Team Sprockets closes in on them. Cut to Giles picking up Buffy's message. Back to the shack, where Cordy is bitching about not wanting to be in Buffy's life. They snit at each other until Cordy asks why Buffy cares about being Homecoming Queen when she's the Slayer. SMG acted this scene well, and I really do sympathize with Buffy. However, we've heard this song before, so I'm going to sum up Buffy's response thusly: Blah blah blah I-want-a-normal-life-cakes. She ends the speech by saying, "Besides, I look cute in a tiara." So do I, but you don't see me running for Homecoming Queen. They hear a noise, and then Spiny Demon breaks through one of the shuttered windows and tackles Buffy. She drops the gun. Buffy grabs a pair of antlers off the wall and starts sparring with the demon as Cordy hilariously whacks away with the spatula. Buffy tells Cordy to get the gun. She does, but her aim is atrocious, and she can't handle the kick from it either. Buffy: "Cordelia, the spatula." Ha!

Mr. Pitt gives Team Sprockets an order to fire on the shack as Buffy and the demon continue to fight. They're wrestling for the gun when a grenade flies in and lands on the floor. Buffy grabs Cordy and pulls her through a window. The demon tries to go through another one, but it's shuttered tight, and the charge detonates. Demon flambé. The girls make for the library as Team Sprockets pursues them.

Cut to said library, where Mr. and Mrs. Gorch await Buffy. Mrs. Gorch says she wants to kill Buffy as a "wedding present for what happened to your poor brother." Gorch says Buffy will show, because they have her Watcher. Pan down to Giles, lying facedown on the floor. You know, with everything that's happened on this show, they really should have found a way to vampire-proof at least the library, if not the entire school.

Mr. Pitt tells Mr. Trick that the Slayers are on the move, and Trick is impressed with their survival abilities. There's a knock at the door, and Trick answers to find three policemen, who grab him and take him away. That didn't seem quite right to me until I realized that they were probably vampires as well.

Buffy and Cordy walk into the library. Mrs. Gorch immediately attacks Buffy. They fight, and Cordy throws the spatula to Buffy as Mrs. Gorch picks up a wooden beam. They both attack. Mrs. Gorch hits Buffy in the face and knocks her out, but as she drops the beam, we see the spatula handle firmly imbedded in her heart. Gorch yells, "Candy!" but she's dust. He threatens to kill them both, but Cordy pretends she's Faith and gets in his face, giving him a speech that amounts to the "The question you gotta ask yourself: Are you feelin' lucky?" bit from Dirty Harry. Gorch bails as Giles regains consciousness. Cordy smiles, satisfied.

A bit later, Buffy's awake again. Buffy and Cordy are getting along better. Cordy mentions the corsages, and Giles says they weren't included with the limo. Buffy quickly realizes that Team Sprockets is tracking them through the corsages. They hear Team Sprockets enter the school. Cordy gives her corsage to Buffy, and Buffy asks Giles for some wet toilet paper. Ew.

As Team Sprockets approaches the library, Buffy runs out. They shoot at her and miss. Mr. Pitt gives them directions as they split up; one's in a classroom, the other's in the hall. As the one in the classroom turns around to position himself, Buffy rises from a hiding spot in the corner. She throws the toilet paper, which ostensibly contains the corsages, onto his back, where it sticks. Pitt gives them new coordinates. The one in the hall starts firing, and the one in the classroom returns the favor. They kill each other. It's pretty hackneyed, but still strangely satisfying. The targets blink out, and Mr. Pitt says to himself, "I won!" Yeah, if by "won" you mean "completely got your ass kicked."

By Couch Baron

City Hall. The officers show Mr. Trick into the Mayor's office. The Mayor makes it clear that he knows all about Mr. Trick, SlayerFest, and so on. He tells Mr. Trick that he likes things to run smoothly, and that it's an important year for him. "Election year?" asks Mr. Trick. The Mayor: "Something like that." Ah, Foreshadowing, my old friend. You'll keep me company now that my Bitch-O-Meter is among the dearly departed, won't you? Apparently the answer is yes, as the Mayor continues with the foreshadowing: "Children are our future; we need them. I need them." Yeah, to become "Happy Meals with legs," as Spike said in "Becoming Part Two." Trick thinks the Mayor wants him to leave town, but the Mayor in fact wants him on his team. Mr. Trick: "What if I don't want to be a part of the team?" The Mayor, his tone dropping a bit: "Oh, no. That won't be an issue." Trick doesn't say anything, but his expression changes just enough to tell us that he knows who's boss. The Mayor continues, "See, you and I are going to get along very well." He opens a silver box on his desk and offers, "Moist towelette?" That is the biggest shout-out to Sars I've ever seen.

Devon is starting to announce the Homecoming Queen winner, and the gang is nervous until Buffy and Cordy show up, still dirty and disheveled. They briefly explain what happened, and Buffy says, "Tell you one thing, though. You don't want to mess with Cordelia." Xander laughs nervously as he pictures Cordy wearing his balls for earrings. Yes, I got that from Creepshow. I'm old. Devon's taking longer to read the name than Ryan Seacrest. Cordy says to Buffy, "After all that we've been through tonight, this whole who-gets-to-be-Queen-capade seems pretty" -- Buffy: "Damn important." Cordy: "Oh yeah." Heh. Devon announces that they have a tie, as the camera zooms in on Cordy and Buffy, who look at each other. The winners are -- Holly and Michelle! They come barreling through. Cordy and Buffy look at each other in disgust (but not for each other) and walk out together as one of the winners chokes, "I promised myself I wasn't gonna cry!" Cordy even does an eye-roll worthy of Dana Scully. Bitch-tastic! Thanks, David Greenwalt!