Beauty And The Beasts

We open with a shot of the full moon. Then the camera moves quickly through the woods, as Buffy in voice-over recites a passage from The Call Of The Wild. Her voice changes into Willow's. She's in the library, reading the story to a werewolf we assume is Oz, who's locked in the cage across from Giles's office. Willow appears to be enjoying reading to Oz until she says the word "rabbit," at which he barks. Willow: "Maybe we should try a less stimulating passage." A sleepy-looking Xander arrives: "Private Harris reporting for Oz watch." He recognizes the book Willow's reading as the one he's "reading the Cliffs Notes for." You know, not that I haven't used Cliffs Notes in a jam, but I'm glad they never made us try to buy Xander going to college. Between his lack of brains and his lack of motivation, I wouldn't have been on board. Which makes me surprised that Marti Noxon didn't write an episode about it. Willow explains that the story is "very wolf-y" and soothing, "except for the parts about" -- she whispers -- "rabbits." Oz still hears her, and barks again. Willow tells Xander where Oz's clothes are, and explains that she put towels over the cage for privacy. Xander thinks he can handle the "Oz full Monty," and then predictably backpedals a bit so no one thinks he's gay. Hey, I'm just one gay man, but in my opinion, no one thinks you're gay because no one cares one way or the other. Willow says that the towels are for her, because she's still getting used to "half a Monty." Xander rather petulantly asks which half, and Willow coyly puts him off: "Wouldn't you like to know." Damn straight I would, Willow. So to speak. Oh, right, you were talking to Xander. Willow exposits that this is the first night of Oz's three-night werewolf cycle, and gives Xander a tranquilizer gun to use in case there's trouble. She thanks him, explaining that she wouldn't have asked but for a test she has the day, and he assures her that she can count on him. She leaves, and within ten seconds, he's lying face-down on a desk with his eyes closed. Jerk. Oz is growly.

Buffy and Faith patrol a graveyard. Faith wonders if Buffy has ever caught kids doing "the ditty" up here. The "ditty"? "Camptown Races"? "Leroy Brown"? That may not have been what she said, but I swear it's what I heard. Damn videotape. Anyway, I'm thinking Faith's more of an "I Touch Myself" kind of girl. Buffy says there's a "smooch spot" up by the woods, and Faith wonders if Buffy and Scott have been up there "kicking the gear shift." Buffy sniffs, "Hardly." I think Scott does drive stick, but that has nothing to do with Buffy. Buffy says they've only been on a few dates. Banter about whether Buffy gets a "down-low tickle" when she thinks about him. Buffy says that he's funny. Funny ha-ha? Or funny in that he's a better dancer and shopper than you? English is a funny language that way. See what I did there? Buffy says that her "most favorite" (and this is a girl who aces the SATs in a few episodes, people) thing about Scott is that he's "not some kind of hell-beast." Faith: "All men are beasts, Buffy." You know, I was hoping that the first anvil of this episode wouldn't come from Faith. With that Slayer strength, it really hurt. Faith continues, "Every guy from Manimal to Mr. 'I Love The English Patient' has beast in him. And I don't care how sensitive they act. They're all still just in it for the chase." You know, I didn't like The English Patient at all. Does that make me insensitive? Sars? ["Don't ask me. I'm so insensitive that I slept through most of it." -- Sars]

Cut to a teenage boy running through the woods. He's being pursued by something that's growling very menacingly. He trips and falls, and his pursuer grabs his feet and drags him away screaming. Credits.

Willow is saying that she disagrees with Faith's assessment of men as she, Oz, and Buffy walk up the school's outdoor staircase. We hear a "Hey, Buffy!" and Scott feys up to them, followed by a couple introduced to us as Debbie and Pete. Scott is wearing a yellow shirt. Do high school boys wear yellow? Debbie and Oz know each other, as she asks him, "You're not doing jazz band this year?" Oz says no, because of the marching, and Buffy wonders that there's a marching jazz band at all. Oz: "Since the best jazz is improvisational, we'd be going off in all directions, banging into floats -- scary." Willow: "He's just being Oz." Oz: "Pretty much full-time." So. Damn. Cute. Buffy compliments the flowers Debbie is holding, and Debbie announces that Pete got them for her. Pete, in the most smarmy-annoying voice possible, says to Buffy that he's sure Scott does that kind of thing for her. Scott nervously asks, "Are we up to flowers? Did I miss flowers?" Don't worry, Scott; you'll be getting plenty of flowers in the future, I'm sure. Buffy assures him that they're "pre-posy." Then Buffy checks the time and says that she has to go see Mr. Platt, the school counselor, one of the conditions for Buffy's return to school laid out by Principal Snyder in "Faith, Hope, and Trick." Debbie says that Mr. Platt creeps her out, and she only goes because she's failing senior bio and her teacher wants her to go. Didn't school just start? Oz tells her that he aced that final. Willow: "And how did you do that? Oh, right, you showed up." Aw. He offers to give her his notes. You know, it's been a long time since I was in high school. However, I'm betting it's been longer for Marti Noxon. So I'm baffled again -- do any high-school students actually keep their notes for a class they had the year? Sigh. It's Oz, though, and he can do no wrong in my eyes. Debbie is grateful for the notes. Buffy leaves, but not before she and Scott share the most chaste kiss since Darrin and Samantha on Bewitched. They show Scott with a look on his face like, "So that's what it's like to kiss a girl. Interesting. Now where's that Larry guy I've been hearing so much about?"

Library. Giles agitatedly tells Xander that they have to "recheck every possible exit avenue." Xander says he was in the library all night. They notice that Oz and Willow have entered, and Giles hilariously fails at playing it cool: "Right. It's good to see you. No need to panic." Oz: "Just a thought. Poker -- not your game." Hee. Willow is concerned, and Giles explains that a male student named Jeff Walken was found murdered in the woods, his body "terribly mauled." Giles fears it may be the handiwork of -- "me," Oz finishes for him. Xander thinks that's impossible until he realizes that the window inside the cage area is open. Xander assures them that all he did was rest his eyes a bit. Willow looks betrayed, and Giles seethes, "How long, exactly, did you 'rest your eyes' for?" He's ending sentences with prepositions, so you know he's steamed. Xander stutters that Oz was there in the morning when he -- "WOKE UP!" Giles barks. Oz and Willow look chagrined.

Buffy enters an office. We see a hand in the foreground, holding a cigarette. At this point I'm reminded of one of my favorite Ace lines, from her recap of "Innocence." To paraphrase a bit, since he's smoking, we can safely assume he falls into one of two categories -- "evil," or "not long for this world." Ah, the simplicity of TV. Thankfully, Dr. Pavone on Felicity was an exception to that rule. Without turning around, but not without smoking, he welcomes Buffy. She meekly says, "Buffy Summers, reporting for sanity." That line sends me into a giggling fit every time I hear it. She launches into a speech about how she doesn't want to talk about her life, nor does she want to be friends with him. Platt, played by Phill Lewis, turns in his chair, and says, "We're not gonna be friends." That's a relief, because Buffy's already very busy without having to go to your funeral. He continues that what she needs is a trained professional who will give her his honest opinion. I start giggling again as I imagine this conversation:

Buffy: So Scott and I have been out on like five dates, and nothing. I mean, it's not like I want to pull a Faith here, but a little action would be nice.
Mr. Platt: Well, what do you do together?
Buffy: Oh, normal stuff -- shop, go to the salon, see Divine Secrets Of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood. His idea.
Mr. Platt: I see. Did you ever think that he might be --
Buffy: Impotent? Yeah. But isn't he a little young for that?
Mr. Platt: Oh, dear. No, what I was thinking rhymes with "hay" but starts with "G."
Buffy: Scott's not gay! He's just sensitive. He brought Steel Magnolias over last night! It was so romantic!
Mr. Platt: Sweetie, denial is not just a river in Egypt.