Props to Sars and Wing for giving me this opportunity. You guys rock. And props to Ace and Sep for turning out such great recaps, even during the winter of our discontent -- or, as I like to call it, the last two seasons.
On my ancient videotape, the ever-present WB announcer plugs the series premiere of Felicity! And the series just ended! It feels like one of those birth/death things I hear so much about. Or something. He then gives us a long montage of clips that sum up the major plot points of Season Two. I'm feeling a bit fragile already, because I just watched "Becoming" to relive the timing of this episode, and seeing clips from "Surprise" and "Innocence" isn't helping. But here we go!
A newly-born vampire struggles to climb out of his grave. As he's almost free, he looks up, and the camera pans back through a pair of legs standing in front of him. We hear Willow's voice -- "That's right, big boy" -- now we see her, with her new shorter hair and a smile on her face -- "come and get it." He growls and moves to attack her, and she looks surprised that her line didn't have more of an effect. Xander grabs the vamp from behind while Oz (yay, Oz!) attempts to stake him. Oz, however, has a little trouble getting the wood out of his pants (what? Don't look at me like that) and the vamp takes the opportunity to kick him while doing a cool back flip over Xander. The vamp runs. Dramatic music swells as Oz attempts a long-distance staking, but his throw goes nowhere close. He laments, "That really never works." Heh. Xander chastises Willow for her cheesy line, but she defends sassing the vamp, saying that Buffy always does it and it throws off the vampires. She does not, however, defend her choice of words. Oz suggests, "'This time, it's personal' -- there's a reason why it's a classic." Again, heh. Xander misses Buffy's punning, and Willow admonishes him for breaking the "past-tense rule." Exposition about the day being the first day of school. Oz looks slightly perturbed at that realization, Xander's looking forward to seeing Cordelia, and Willow's just excited to hit the books. At a look of scorn from Xander, Willow retorts, "Hey, you're excited over Cordelia, okay? We've all got issues." Ha! Can I just say I've had more fun in the first five minutes of this episode than in the entire last two seasons combined? Marti Noxon, you suck. The gang speculates on Buffy's return as the camera pans out.
A beach, close to sunset. Buffy walks, then stops and closes her eyes. The camera pans down Buffy's dress -- and I'm no expert on women's clothes, but this creation looks straight out of Sirens -- and a pair of arms encircles her waist. She clasps them to her, and the camera moves back up to reveal Angel. Buffy blissfully keeps her eyes closed. She asks him to stay with her, and he assents: "I'll never leave you, even if you kill me." Buffy's eyes go wide. She wakes up in a tiny studio apartment to loud city sounds. She walks to the window, and the camera pans out to reveal a street that's definitely on the wrong side of the tracks. A police car drives by, sirens wailing, and we get one of those music-less cuts to black from the earlier episodes that I so love.
Cue the kick-ass opening credits. Rocket launcher, Faith, cute shots of Willow, swordfight, tasty Oz, and several shots from this episode. Oh yeah.
Commercial for Practical Magic as Meredith Brooks's "Bitch" plays. I so did not need to be reminded of either of those things.
Buffy, in pigtails and a white uniform with a red-and-white-checked tablecloth pattern collar and sleeves and a red apron, waits on two trucker types in a greasy spoon. She instructs Trucker #1 to pay at the counter, and he offers to pay in trade, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. Trucker #2 slaps her behind as she walks away. She pauses, and from the music we're meant to think an ass-kicking is imminent, but instead she walks to her table, where a young couple is canoodling. The guy is dumb-looking and fairly cute, and the girl is Chanterelle, played by Julia Lee, from the second-season episode "Lie to Me," only looking much more like a street urchin. We see that Buffy is wearing a name tag that says, "Anne," and the couple have tattoos on their arms that, when put together, form a big heart. Each tattoo contains the significant other's name: "Rickie" and "Lily." When Buffy asks for their order, Rickie dumps some change on the table and asks what they can afford with that much. That's a major meta-shout-out on Joss's part, since David Arquette and Luke Perry did the exact same thing in the Buffy movie. When the girls first really look at each other, realization starts to dawn. Lily (I was going to call her Chantarlily, but it's too unwieldy, so Lily it is) starts to ask Buffy where she's from, but Buffy escapes to the counter, asks another waitress to cover for her, and hightails it out of there.
The library! I think I've missed you most of all. Willow and Giles are discussing the night's patrol. Willow is wearing a purple hat. Why? I don't know. Maybe for every episode they do a drawing wherein they randomly pick one of various articles of hideous clothing, and one random character name, and this week came out with "Willow" and "purple hat." Seems like they did about ten drawings per episode in the fourth season. Willow thinks the gang's not doing so hot on patrol, but Giles is just happy they're all safe. Willow assures Giles that not getting killed is part of their "mission statement." Aw, those two were so cute together. You know, back when the show was good. Then Willow started being menacing toward him, and he left for England, and then he came back and had a magic duel with her. That was less cute. Coincidentally, that was when the show was bad. Cordelia appears, and she and Willow exchange a friendly greeting. Cordy is nervous to see Xander, and babbles a bit until she gets to something really important -- "How's my hair?" Willow assures her that it's fine. Oz surprises Willow, and Cordy goes in search of Xander. Willow is especially surprised that Oz is carrying books, and he reveals that he was supposed to go to summer school but didn't, so he's repeating senior year. Willow's academic sensitivities kick in (another endearing quality long forgotten), and she starts to freak out a little, but Xander interrupts her. He's looking for Cordy, and geeks it up by telling them, "There's going to be some heat, if you know what I mean, so you might want to duck and cover." Chastened by the egregiousness of his own statement, he runs off. He pops back, but before he can open his mouth, Willow impatiently tells him, "Your hair is fine!" Ha! Sars, were you not just saying how much you missed the way the characters used to interact? ["I was." -- Sars] Case in point. Pointless scene with soon-to-be-gay Larry, then Willow and Oz discussing whether Oz's academic predicament is "eccentric," "cool," or merely "strange," and then over to Xander and Cordelia. They initially look happy to see each other, but it seems like each of them is waiting for the other to make the first move. Their smiles quickly fade, and after some awkwardness, they stalk off angrily.
Shot of Buffy, sitting on her bed. Then she's back in uniform, walking to work. She passes a guy talking to a homeless kid. Hey, the guy's Carlos Jacott, better known as Ramon the pool cleaner on Seinfeld! Then we hear a plaintive "I'm no one," and Buffy sees a very aged homeless woman lying in a doorway who looks scared out of her wits. Buffy looks perturbed.
Giles gets off the phone and announces that he has a lead -- a report of a young girl fighting vampires in Oakland. Xander is skeptical, as this is apparently not the first such lead they've had, and he doesn't want to see Giles get his hopes up too high. Willow, however, tries to cheer Giles on. He leaves in a hurry. Willow wonders if Giles might find Buffy this time, but Xander brings her back to reality: "I think he'll find her when she wants to be found." Oh, Xander. You used to have some empathy for your friends. What happened? Oh, that's right -- the writers sucked the life out of you and every other character on the show. Dear Marti Noxon, I must again remind you that you suck. Love, Couch Baron.
Night. Buffy walks back from work. Lily calls to her, "Anne! Anne! Buffy?" Buffy stops in her tracks. Lily asks if Buffy recognizes her. Buffy comes up with "Lily?" but Lily reminds her of the events of "Lie to Me," and assures Buffy that she didn't tell anyone Buffy's identity. They walk together. We learn for sure that Lily is homeless, and Buffy reveals that Anne is her middle name. Lily explains that she's always changing her name, and that Chanterelle was part of her "exotic phase." Buffy tells her that a chanterelle is a mushroom. Lily is chastened, and Buffy backpedals by telling her that it's an "exotic mushroom." Heh. Buffy asks what they called Lily at home, and Lily doesn't answer, but looks away with an expression that clearly says, "Home is where the sexual abuse is." Lily invites Buffy to a rave, but Buffy declines, and they're about to go their separate ways when an old man stumbles between them. He stares vacantly at them, and says creepily, "I'm no one." Buffy processes that as the man wanders out into the street and stops like a deer in the headlights. Since he's actually in the headlights, you only have to imagine the deer. Buffy races out and pushes him to safety, and an SUV hits her for her trouble. She rolls off the windshield to the ground.
Commercial for Bride of Chucky. Who knew Roswell was a step up for Katherine Heigl?
A crowd forms around Buffy, but she recovers and quickly runs off. Rounding a corner, she runs right into Ramon, knocking a bunch of flyers out of his hand. As they gather the flyers up, Ramon introduces himself as "Ken." However, he will always be Ramon to me. So for those of you just joining this recap, Ken = Ramon. He inquires after her well-being, and PSAs about kids on the street. He gives Buffy a flyer for a halfway house called "Family Home." ["Then Buffy asks him, 'Is that a pajama top?' and he snorts, 'No!' and then mutters, 'Yes.'" -- Sars]
Sad song over a montage of homeless kids. Frankly, if I wanted that, I'd rent Where The Day Takes You again. Mmm, Dermot Mulroney in the early '90s. We follow the song to the Bronze, where it's being performed by a woman with breasts that would put Dolly Parton to shame. Seriously, I think she's wearing an Aquabra. Sars? ["Maybe if said bra contains one of the Great Lakes. Girl has it going on up front -- not that there's anything wrong with that." -- Sars] Xander whinges about Cordelia, and Willow misses Buffy. They lament the fact that they're losing half the vamps. Personally, for three hapless teenagers fighting the undead, that percentage sounds great to me. Xander opines that they need "bait" as he stares at Cordelia.
Summers home. Joyce, paying bills, is interrupted by a knock at the door. She opens the door expectantly, but is disappointed to find Giles. Of course, she hasn't slept with him yet, or she might be a little perkier. After a bit of conversation, Giles tells Joyce that she shouldn't blame herself for Buffy's departure, but Joyce turns it around: "I blame you." Ouch. Giles's stoic face cracks a little bit. Joyce continues the attack, saying that she feels like Giles took Buffy away from her. Giles tries to recover: "I didn't make Buffy who she is." Joyce isn't buying: "And who exactly is she?" Again, ouch.
Lily finds Buffy at the diner. She tells Buffy that Rickie has disappeared, and begs her for help. Buffy doesn't want to get involved, but Lily wears her down. Cut to a blood bank, where Lily exposits that she and Rickie have given blood there before. Buffy asks a large female doctor if Rickie has been in in the last day. The answer is negative, and Buffy and Lily decide to split up and look for him. As they leave, the doctor's face falls, and she takes a troubled breath. Ominous music of I'm So Not Telling The Whole Story plays.
Buffy searches through an abandoned-looking warehouse that looks like a creepier version of the one in "My So-Called Angels." A few random homeless people are around. She finds the man whose life she saved the night lying on the floor, very dead, with a bottle of drain cleaner to him which he apparently drank. She kneels and turns his arm over, and finds the "Lily" tattoo. Buffy looks nine ways of creeped out as she tells the slower members of the audience, "Rickie?"
Lily waits nervously at Buffy's apartment. Buffy enters, and breaks the news about Rickie. Lily says despairingly, "But -- he takes care of me." That line isn't as all-about-her as it sounds. Buffy explains about Rickie's appearance, and wonders whether something in his blood could have been responsible. Lily is confused and in denial, but Buffy isn't very sympathetic, which prompts Lily to wonder, "Was it because of you? You know about monsters and stuff. You could have brought this with you." Wrong thing to say. Buffy tells Lily off, and Lily leaves. Buffy looks around with regret, and with good reason, if you ask me. Gee, Buffy, you lost Angel months ago, and you're still kind of a basket case. Maybe you could give Lily five minutes to get over losing her boyfriend?
Lily, crying in an alley, is approached by Ramon. He offers some words of comfort, and when she utters Rickie's name, he places her as Lily. He invites her to Family Home, where he says Rickie is waiting for her, and she accepts. Yeah, that's pretty dumb of her. But she's not the dumbest person in this episode. More on that later.
We see the inside of the blood bank in dim light. A shadow appears outside the glass pane of the door. The doorknob rattles, then is ripped out of the frame. Slayer strength! Cut to Buffy rifling through some files. She finds Rickie's, which lists him as a "candidate." The portly doctor from earlier enters and asks Buffy what she's doing. Buffy: "Breaking into your office and going through your private files. Candidate for what?" Heh. The woman threatens to call the police, but Buffy, barely looking up, rips the phone out of the wall. Slayer strength again! I love these gratuitous displays. Buffy wonders whether other kids are missing like Rickie, and then launches into a diatribe: "I don't want trouble. I just want to be alone in a quiet room with a chair and a fireplace and a tea cozy. I don't even know what a tea cozy is, but I want one." Hee! "Instead, I keep getting trouble, which I am more than willing to share." I love snarky Buffy. Not mean Buffy from the last scene, but snarky Buffy. The doctor reveals that she passes on the names of the healthy kids to an unnamed man. Cut to Ramon preparing Lily, who's now wearing a government-issue-looking smock, for a ceremony called a "cleansing." Sounds ominous. Lily, get out of there! Anyone who'd dress you like that is no friend of yours.
Graveyard. The Scoobies, including Cordelia, are preparing to lure vamps into their web. Oz asks, "Is everybody packing?" and there's a cute shot of Willow, Xander, and Oz each pulling out a stake and a cross. Shouldn't Bait Girl get a cross too? Oh well. They separate. Cordy follows Xander, they snark a bit, and he tells her to leave his hiding place and act "baity." Cordy wants to know the plan, so Xander explains, "The vampire attacks you. The vampire kills you. We watch. We rejoice." BWA HA HA! They continue to fight. Willow can hear it all from her hiding place, and the look on her face screams her soon-to-be-classic line, "Bored now." Behind her, the vamp that got away at the beginning of this episode appears.
Ramon instructs Lily to kneel in front of a small rectangular pool. He explains that the pool is to "wash away the past," but Lily thinks it looks dirty. Yeah, looks like someone's been shirking his pool-cleaning duties. No wonder you got fired, Ramon.
Buffy's at the Family Home door, explaining to some goon in a hilariously unconvincing way, "You know, I just -- I woke up and I looked in the mirror and I thought, 'Hey! What's with all the sin?' I need to change. I'm -- I'm dirty. I'm, I'm bad, with the sex, and the -- envy, and that loud music us kids listen to nowadays." Ha! The goon's borrowed Willow's "bored now" expression, and Buffy laments, "Oh, I just suck at undercover. Where's Ken?" The goon tries to shut the door, but Buffy kicks it away and enters.
Lily reaches a hand into the water, which really looks more like tar. Buffy enters and demands an explanation. Lily asks what's going on, but then the tar sucks her into the pool. Buffy tries to follow, but Ramon tangles her up and they both fall in, right through the tar into a room below. Buffy attends to Lily, while Ramon, back to the camera, yells, "My face!" He looks up as he removes his face and hair, and whinges, "Do you have any idea how hard it is to glue this thing on?" Underneath, he looks a lot like Rev. Cloutier post-explosion, but with ridges on his face and red contacts. He calls for the guards, and Buffy and Lily take off. The round a corner and stop short at the edge of a platform to see a hellish-looking forge. In the shadows, they see young men and women, all dressed in the same style of smock as Lily, working as slaves. Some are being whipped by demon guards. Buffy and Lily take it in, horrified, and Ramon appears. He slugs Buffy with a club, knocking her out, and informs Lily, "You're never leaving."
Commercial for Apt Pupil. I didn't see it, but I read the book, and boy, it doesn't get much creepier than that.
Graveyard. Cordy and Xander are still bitching when they hear a scream from Willow. The others rush to her aid. Xander holds a stake to the vamp's heart, but can't get enough leverage to drive it home until Cordy tackles the two of them. That's enough to dust the vamp and leave Cordy lying on top of Xander; conveniently, the stake dissolves as well, or Cordy would have been impaled. Overly dramatic music plays as Cordy and Xander mack. Sorry, but -- bored now.
Buffy, in pain from Ramon's blow, comes to slowly. Lily gives a speech about how she knew she'd end up here. Where? "Hell." Oh. Well, that kind of sucks. Buffy: "This isn't hell." In a way, that's too bad, because it would give Buffy a chance to bump into Angel. That would have potential for a really hilarious conversation if they both played it cool, with a stale quip or two. It might go something like this:
Buffy: Angel! Hot enough for ya?
Angel: Buff! What're you in for?
Buffy: Killing my boyfriend, of course! Just kidding. No, this Lily chick dragged me here.
Angel: Isn't her name Chanterelle? And what happened to her? She used to be hot!
Buffy: Shut up! But, word. What's with the hair?
Lily: That's really mean, you guys.
Buffy: Okay, okay. So Angel, I have kind of missed you. I even ran away from home!
Angel: Buffy, you stabbed me through the heart with a sword. How about we keep things on the down low for a while?
Buffy: You're right. So, working hard? Or hardly working?
Or some such. Anyway, it's Ramon's signal to appear and launch into a boring speech. Blah blah blah hell-is-the-absence-of-hope-cakes. He explains that time moves much more quickly in their current reality, which is why Rickie aged so many years while no time had passed on Earth. Frankly, I enjoyed that concept a lot more when I was ten and read The Chronicles of Narnia. And last year, when I reread them. He congratulates Buffy on getting her wish "to run away from whatever it is [she] used to be, to disappear."
Buffy, Lily, and several other kids are brought before a demon guard for orientation. Fun! You get to meet new people, sign up for classes, and go to keggers! Oh, wait. The guard tells them they can do nothing but work. Well, welcome to Buzzkill U., then. They're treating Buffy way more roughly than the others, which begs the question: Why didn't they just kill her when she was unconscious? They obviously perceived her as a threat, and they could easily have picked up another kid on the street. Sorry, Ramon, but you're not very good at running a hell-forge. Maybe you can still get your job back at the health club. Oh wait, you'll be dead in ten minutes. Never mind. Anyway, the guard tells the kids, "You are no one now." Right. Let's practice. Demon Guard asks a boy at one end of the line, "Who are you?" He stammers, "Aaron." Wrong answer. He's banned from the frat house. Also, Demon Guard clocks him with a club. Buffy seems to steel herself at that. Then, to Lily, "Who are you?" Lily, finally showing a capacity for cognitive learning, cheeps, "No one!" Ding ding ding! You've been voted Girl Most Likely Not To Get Clocked On The Head By The Demon Guards! Then it's Buffy's turn. "Who are you?" She looks him straight in the eye, and with a bright smile she says, "I'm Buffy, the vampire slayer! And you are?" Heh. He tries to beat her down, but she makes short work of the three guards, and instructs the kids to follow her.
The escaped kids hide under the stairs while Buffy and Lily hatch a plan: Buffy=diversion, Lily=get the kids to safety. Lily tries to apologize for her earlier remarks, but Buffy shoos her to her task and takes off, the guards in hot pursuit. She executes a really cool maneuver where she grabs a pole and swings herself all the way around, kicking a guard in the face as she passes. Oh, and by the way, Buffy's outfit for almost this entire episode has been a simple pair of grey cargo pants, a blue zipped sweatshirt, and a tank top, and she looks better than in all of Season Four. Are you listening, costume department? Time for the fight. Buffy is kicking demon ass and taking demon names. Oh yeah, who's no one now? This scene rocks. As I mentioned earlier, several shots from it are in the Season Three opening credits, including the last shot with Joss' creator credit and Buffy holding a club in one hand and a weird axe-like weapon in the other, waiting for a new round of guards to attack. Also, most of the scene takes place on a raised platform, and with the guards rushing at her from all directions, it lends an arena-like feel to the fight. It's very cool. On the sidelines, Ramon whinges that the slaves aren't supposed to fight back. You are so lame, Ramon. Meanwhile, Lily shepherds the kids out, but Ramon catches her and holds a knife to her throat.
Buffy decides she's bought Lily enough time and runs, but stops when she sees Ramon on a platform above, still holding the knife to Lily's throat. He says that if anyone fights, they'll all die. Buffy sasses Ramon, and his comeback is lame. For those of you just joining this recap, Ramon=lame. He lets Lily go and steps to the edge of the platform to lecture everyone on the price of...rebel. I assume he was going to say "rebellion," but we'll never know for sure, because Lily takes this opportunity to push him off the platform. Hee. For those of you just joining this recap, Ramon also=dumb. Lily=smarter than Ramon. This recap=almost over. Buffy fights off the guards that were holding her, and hand-over-hands up a chain. That's got to be tough on the wrists. Buffy and the kids reach a lowered gate, which Buffy lifts up with slayer strength. That's three displays of slayer strength in the episode, but this one wasn't gratuitous. That explains why it's my least favorite. The kids go under the gate, and Buffy starts to go herself when Ramon tackles her from behind. He knocks her through, and the gate crashes down, impaling him through both calves. Again, Ramon=dumb. Also, ow ow ow. I didn't really need to see that.
The kids are escaping through the tar. Buffy picks up a spiked club and approaches Ramon. He sputters, "You -- ruin -- you." Buffy: "Hey, Ken, want to see my impression of Gandhi?" She dispatches him with a blow to the head. Lily: "Gandhi?" Buffy: "Well, you know, he was really pissed off." I guess a lame villain like Ramon deserves a lame joke like that one.
Buffy and Lily climb out of the pool. Lily wonders what to do about it, but it suddenly CGI-seals itself. Why'd it do that? And it seemed to me that Buffy only rescued her little orientation group. Weren't there a lot of other slaves in there? That's going to bug me.
Buffy's apartment. She offers to give Lily the tour, but can only take two steps before announcing, "This concludes our tour." Lily thinks it's nice. Lily is wearing much newer-looking clothes, and at first I thought Buffy must have given her the outfit, but it really doesn't look like something Buffy would wear. Also, Julia Lee is much taller than SMG. Buffy says the rent is paid up for the three weeks, and that Lily can take over her shifts at the diner. Buffy also says she'll call and check up on Lily. Lily says, "I'm not very good at taking care of myself." Buffy: "Gets easier. Takes practice." Lily regards Buffy's diner uniform, and says hopefully, "Can I be Anne?" Buffy smiles her assent. Aw. You know, I usually hate cutesy high voices like Lily's, but somehow Julia Lee sold me on this character. Knowing that she turns into a tough independent woman in "Blood Money" probably doesn't hurt either.
Joyce is emptying the dishwasher when a knock at the door startles her. She goes to get it, and pauses, burgeoning hope evident on her face. She opens the door to find Buffy. The looks on their faces say it all, and they move into a tight embrace. Oh, my keyboard's wet. Why am I emotionally invested in an average Joss episode that aired three and a half years ago, whereas no episode in Season Six even came close to making me care? Oh right. For those of you just joining this recap, Marti Noxon=sucks.