Anne

Props to Sars and Wing for giving me this opportunity. You guys rock. And props to Ace and Sep for turning out such great recaps, even during the winter of our discontent -- or, as I like to call it, the last two seasons.

On my ancient videotape, the ever-present WB announcer plugs the series premiere of Felicity! And the series just ended! It feels like one of those birth/death things I hear so much about. Or something. He then gives us a long montage of clips that sum up the major plot points of Season Two. I'm feeling a bit fragile already, because I just watched "Becoming" to relive the timing of this episode, and seeing clips from "Surprise" and "Innocence" isn't helping. But here we go!

A newly-born vampire struggles to climb out of his grave. As he's almost free, he looks up, and the camera pans back through a pair of legs standing in front of him. We hear Willow's voice -- "That's right, big boy" -- now we see her, with her new shorter hair and a smile on her face -- "come and get it." He growls and moves to attack her, and she looks surprised that her line didn't have more of an effect. Xander grabs the vamp from behind while Oz (yay, Oz!) attempts to stake him. Oz, however, has a little trouble getting the wood out of his pants (what? Don't look at me like that) and the vamp takes the opportunity to kick him while doing a cool back flip over Xander. The vamp runs. Dramatic music swells as Oz attempts a long-distance staking, but his throw goes nowhere close. He laments, "That really never works." Heh. Xander chastises Willow for her cheesy line, but she defends sassing the vamp, saying that Buffy always does it and it throws off the vampires. She does not, however, defend her choice of words. Oz suggests, "'This time, it's personal' -- there's a reason why it's a classic." Again, heh. Xander misses Buffy's punning, and Willow admonishes him for breaking the "past-tense rule." Exposition about the day being the first day of school. Oz looks slightly perturbed at that realization, Xander's looking forward to seeing Cordelia, and Willow's just excited to hit the books. At a look of scorn from Xander, Willow retorts, "Hey, you're excited over Cordelia, okay? We've all got issues." Ha! Can I just say I've had more fun in the first five minutes of this episode than in the entire last two seasons combined? Marti Noxon, you suck. The gang speculates on Buffy's return as the camera pans out.

A beach, close to sunset. Buffy walks, then stops and closes her eyes. The camera pans down Buffy's dress -- and I'm no expert on women's clothes, but this creation looks straight out of Sirens -- and a pair of arms encircles her waist. She clasps them to her, and the camera moves back up to reveal Angel. Buffy blissfully keeps her eyes closed. She asks him to stay with her, and he assents: "I'll never leave you, even if you kill me." Buffy's eyes go wide. She wakes up in a tiny studio apartment to loud city sounds. She walks to the window, and the camera pans out to reveal a street that's definitely on the wrong side of the tracks. A police car drives by, sirens wailing, and we get one of those music-less cuts to black from the earlier episodes that I so love.

Cue the kick-ass opening credits. Rocket launcher, Faith, cute shots of Willow, swordfight, tasty Oz, and several shots from this episode. Oh yeah.

Commercial for Practical Magic as Meredith Brooks's "Bitch" plays. I so did not need to be reminded of either of those things.

Buffy, in pigtails and a white uniform with a red-and-white-checked tablecloth pattern collar and sleeves and a red apron, waits on two trucker types in a greasy spoon. She instructs Trucker #1 to pay at the counter, and he offers to pay in trade, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. Trucker #2 slaps her behind as she walks away. She pauses, and from the music we're meant to think an ass-kicking is imminent, but instead she walks to her table, where a young couple is canoodling. The guy is dumb-looking and fairly cute, and the girl is Chanterelle, played by Julia Lee, from the second-season episode "Lie to Me," only looking much more like a street urchin. We see that Buffy is wearing a name tag that says, "Anne," and the couple have tattoos on their arms that, when put together, form a big heart. Each tattoo contains the significant other's name: "Rickie" and "Lily." When Buffy asks for their order, Rickie dumps some change on the table and asks what they can afford with that much. That's a major meta-shout-out on Joss's part, since David Arquette and Luke Perry did the exact same thing in the Buffy movie. When the girls first really look at each other, realization starts to dawn. Lily (I was going to call her Chantarlily, but it's too unwieldy, so Lily it is) starts to ask Buffy where she's from, but Buffy escapes to the counter, asks another waitress to cover for her, and hightails it out of there.

The library! I think I've missed you most of all. Willow and Giles are discussing the night's patrol. Willow is wearing a purple hat. Why? I don't know. Maybe for every episode they do a drawing wherein they randomly pick one of various articles of hideous clothing, and one random character name, and this week came out with "Willow" and "purple hat." Seems like they did about ten drawings per episode in the fourth season. Willow thinks the gang's not doing so hot on patrol, but Giles is just happy they're all safe. Willow assures Giles that not getting killed is part of their "mission statement." Aw, those two were so cute together. You know, back when the show was good. Then Willow started being menacing toward him, and he left for England, and then he came back and had a magic duel with her. That was less cute. Coincidentally, that was when the show was bad. Cordelia appears, and she and Willow exchange a friendly greeting. Cordy is nervous to see Xander, and babbles a bit until she gets to something really important -- "How's my hair?" Willow assures her that it's fine. Oz surprises Willow, and Cordy goes in search of Xander. Willow is especially surprised that Oz is carrying books, and he reveals that he was supposed to go to summer school but didn't, so he's repeating senior year. Willow's academic sensitivities kick in (another endearing quality long forgotten), and she starts to freak out a little, but Xander interrupts her. He's looking for Cordy, and geeks it up by telling them, "There's going to be some heat, if you know what I mean, so you might want to duck and cover." Chastened by the egregiousness of his own statement, he runs off. He pops back, but before he can open his mouth, Willow impatiently tells him, "Your hair is fine!" Ha! Sars, were you not just saying how much you missed the way the characters used to interact? ["I was." -- Sars] Case in point. Pointless scene with soon-to-be-gay Larry, then Willow and Oz discussing whether Oz's academic predicament is "eccentric," "cool," or merely "strange," and then over to Xander and Cordelia. They initially look happy to see each other, but it seems like each of them is waiting for the other to make the first move. Their smiles quickly fade, and after some awkwardness, they stalk off angrily.

Shot of Buffy, sitting on her bed. Then she's back in uniform, walking to work. She passes a guy talking to a homeless kid. Hey, the guy's Carlos Jacott, better known as Ramon the pool cleaner on Seinfeld! Then we hear a plaintive "I'm no one," and Buffy sees a very aged homeless woman lying in a doorway who looks scared out of her wits. Buffy looks perturbed.

Giles gets off the phone and announces that he has a lead -- a report of a young girl fighting vampires in Oakland. Xander is skeptical, as this is apparently not the first such lead they've had, and he doesn't want to see Giles get his hopes up too high. Willow, however, tries to cheer Giles on. He leaves in a hurry. Willow wonders if Giles might find Buffy this time, but Xander brings her back to reality: "I think he'll find her when she wants to be found." Oh, Xander. You used to have some empathy for your friends. What happened? Oh, that's right -- the writers sucked the life out of you and every other character on the show. Dear Marti Noxon, I must again remind you that you suck. Love, Couch Baron.