“ 'Sorry to say, Xand. Slaying is a tad more perilous than dating.' All the more reason to avoid office romances, eh Buff? Xander counters that she's not dating Cordelia. That's not how some of the fanfic archives tell it. ”
Well, here it is -- my last Buffy recap. Rather than thank tons of users by name, I'll just say that I really appreciate all the support that's been thrown my way -- despite all the snark I pitch, it means a lot to me. You know who you are. I will, however, thank Wing Chun, Glark, and Sars for running such a great site for so long. Thanks also to Ace and Sep, who were super-supportive and helped me maintain my sanity, never an easy thing. Shout-outs to Aaron, Strega, Keckler, Gustave, Alex Richmond, Djb, AB Chao, Pamie, Stee, and lastly Demian, to whom, given the wacky witchcraft hijinx that go on in the episode, I give the dubious honor of a recap dedication. That doesn't mean I'm associating him with Xander, though.
In a graveyard, Xander dangles a silver heart on a chain and asks Buffy what she thinks of it. I hope they weren't going for another graveyard-foreshadows-breakup thing here. Buffy snarkily asks if Cordy knows what it is. Xander demands to know when she'll stop giving him shit for dating Cordy. Buffy: "I'm sorry. But never." Never surrender the snark, Buffy! Well, I guess it's a little late for that now. Buffy goes on that he could do better, but Xander pooh-poohs that and says that he and Cordy are getting along well. Buffy tells him that Cordy will love the Valentine's Day gift. Xander expresses a wish that dating were more like slaying, which is of course a vamp's cue to rise from the grave they're staking out. Heh. "Staking" out. Hey, it's my last recap -- I'll make bad puns if I want to. Xander falls backward in surprise, but after a fight with several long shots in which you can actually see what's going on, Buffy stakes the vamp. She helps Xander to his feet. "Sorry to say, Xand. Slaying is a tad more perilous than dating." All the more reason to avoid office romances, eh Buff? Xander counters that she's not dating Cordelia. That's not how some of the fanfic archives tell it.
Credits, for the last time. Sniff.
Cordy marches toward the entrance to school, calling for the Cordettes to wait up. She asks them why they didn't call her back last night, and informs them that they need to discuss their outfits for the dance. The Cordettes, however, inform her in no uncertain terms that her relationship with Xander has put her somewhere between "leper" and "band member" on the social ladder, and leave in a Road Runner-esque cloud of dust. Cordy looks after them all, "I'm losing my friends over dating a nerd, and he's not even rich?"
Bewitched, Bothered, And Bewildered
“ Giles appears and asks her for a word. We then get a special edition of When Awkward Moments Attack, as Miss Calendar emerges from a classroom. ”
Classroom. As the bell rings, the teacher informs the students that anyone who leaves without handing in a paper will fail the class. Thanks, Professor Exposition. Xander talks to himself about getting a D-minus. Well, that's what I'm giving that segment of your inner monologue, so at least we're on the same wavelength. Buffy and Willow greet Amy, who asks if they're going to the Valentine's Day dance at the Bronze. Willow excitedly tells Amy that her boyfriend is in the band. Amy smiles, no doubt thinking, "Everything comes so easy to that nerdy bitch. Should I be around five years from now, I'm totally taking her down a peg." Buffy and Willow hand in their papers, but when it's Amy's turn, she stares at the teacher with a gaze so intense and ominous that it looks like Elizabeth Anne Allen is channeling the German shepherd in The Omen. After a pause, the teacher holds out her hand as if taking her paper, and thanks her. Amy smiles and leaves, and Xander, having witnessed all this, looks bewildered. And bothered.
On the stairs, Willow expresses sorrow that Buffy will be alone on Valentine's Day, but Buffy easily tells her that she'll be fine, as she'll be hanging out with Joyce. Xander catches up and asks if they saw the Amy mojo, but, as anyone who was there should know, they didn't. Buffy's chagrined that Amy's practicing witchcraft, given her mom's history, but Giles appears and asks her for a word. We then get a special edition of When Awkward Moments Attack, as Miss Calendar emerges from a classroom. Miss Calendar very bravely steps forward and asks if Giles could spare a moment to talk to her, but ASH displays his acting acumen as he turns her down with a fair bit of subtle inner conflict. Buffy gratefully walks away after a baleful look at Miss Calendar, and Giles, after a longer and more longing look, follows her. Miss Calendar sadly leaves Xander and Willow to look glum. Did you notice how well we knew the characters back then? How easy it was to identify their motivations? And should I be this bitter in my last recap?
In the library, Buffy asks Giles if he's okay. Aw. He says he will be, and that he's more concerned about her, informing her that Angelus is prone to "brutal displays" around Valentine's Day that masquerade as affection. That doesn't sound very different from many of my girlfriends' boyfriends, I must say. Buffy asks for an example, which Giles is reluctant to give her, and suggests that she stay off the streets for a few nights. "Better safe than sorry." Buffy: "It's a little late for both." Isn't this episode supposed to be, like, fun?
“ Amy warns him that love spells are the hardest to cast, and that the intent behind them has to be pure. This line is known in the business as the 'Wackiness Clause.' In its purest form, it's heralded by an accordion, but we'll take what we can get. ”
Back at the Bronze, Cordy is sitting pensively when Xander, tired of waiting, gets up and discovers her. In a flat voice, she notes that he looks great, and they really do make quite a photogenic couple here. Xander gives her a rather impassioned -- and, under the circumstances, articulate -- speech about how he thinks their relationship might be more than just hormones. Aw. Cordy looks ill. Xander administers the coup de grace by giving her a jewelry box. She opens it, and upon seeing the heart necklace, sincerely says that it's beautiful. She continues, "I want to break up." Now that is a brutal display. Take notes, Angelus. Xander's predictably stunned, but she explains that they're just not a good fit, a sentiment with which I don't really agree. Xander: "Do you know what's a good day to break up with somebody? Any day besides Valentine's Day! I mean, what, were you running low on dramatic irony?" Look at that -- extreme bitterness turned him into The Voice Of The Recapper. Amazing how that works. Cordy tries to apologize, but Xander, extremely hurt, leaves. Aw.
In the hall the day, some no-neck greets Xander, "Dude! Way to get dumped." Salt, meet open wound. Xander sees Buffy, but she blows by him in favor of talking to Giles about Angelus's gift. A couple of random girls snicker at Xander. Shut up, Random Girls. I know I crack on him all the time, but I consider him family. Plus, I get paid for it. up is Harmony: "Gee, Xander, maybe you should learn a second language so that even more girls can reject you." I wouldn't be surprised to learn that this hallway is called "The Gauntlet." Cordy, sitting to Harmony, looks down at Xander's shoes. For once, it's out of shame and not a desire to buy him new ones. Xander hurries up and catches hold of Amy's arm, and threatens to tell their teacher about the little spell she cast. Amy tells him that that's mean, and Xander replies that blackmail is an ugly word. Amy: "I didn't say 'blackmail.'" Xander: "Yeah, but I'm about to blackmail you, so I thought I'd bring it up." Hee. He tells her that for once he wants to come out ahead, and have the Hellmouth work for him. He glances over at Cordy. "You and me, Amy, we're gonna cast a little spell." Geez, with all that leadup, I thought he come up with a bigger idea. I mean, given "Superstar," couldn't he have stretched his imagination just a little? A few extra bucks couldn't hurt, right?
In an empty classroom, Amy repeats Xander's request: "A love spell?" He confirms that he wants Cordy to eat, sleep, and breathe only him. Xander, I like you well enough in this episode, but I've still got to give that an "ew." Some further questioning reveals that Xander only wants Cordy to pine for him so he can jilt her back. Ah, the old counterjiltery gambit. So many have tried. Amy warns him that love spells are the hardest to cast, and that the intent behind them has to be pure. This line is known in the business as the "Wackiness Clause." In its purest form, it's heralded by an accordion, but we'll take what we can get. Xander threatens to expose her "invisible homework," something with which he no doubt has an awful lot of experience. She gives in and tells him she'll need a personal effect of Cordy's. That shouldn't be tough -- she carries more beauty products than Mary Kay.
“ Sorry for the diversion, but I'm finding it difficult to crack on Xander too much in this episode, and since he's normally my go-to man, I had to get a little creative. ”
Buffy marches in to see Giles and slaps the "Soon" note down in front of him, and demands to know what she can expect from Angelus. Meanwhile, in the hallway, Xander accosts Cordy and demands the necklace back. While some might see this as extremely petty on his part, I'm focusing more on the fact that he originally intended to let her keep it. She protests, but then huffs that it's in her locker. Under cover of the locker door, she removes the chain from its real location around her neck, which was covered by her fully-buttoned collared shirt. She steels herself, then closes the door and hands it over. They part company with looks both baleful and sad. Aw.
Night. In the gym, Xander sits shirtless and holding a candle, red markings on his chest and the floor. Amy recites an plea to Diana that Cordy be bent to Xander's will. Again, ew. She drops the necklace into a beaker that's boiling over. And here I thought magic was physics, not chemistry. Flames rise and then retreat into the beaker, and Amy instructs Xander to blow out the candle, which he does. Scene. This recap's flying by. Why couldn't that have happened with "Go Fish" or "Reptile Boy"?
Phoebe Halliwell: A love spell? Love spells with wacky, unforeseen consequences are my turf, dude!
Couch Baron: What's that got to do with me? I'm just the recapper here.
Phoebe Halliwell: You're the recapper that's been ripping me to shreds all these years?
Couch Baron: No, that's Demian. This isn't even your show -- it's not always about you, you know. Pay attention.
Phoebe Halliwell: Well, then, give Demian a message for me. Tell him to stop taking everyone else's side all the time. I'm the real talent on my show!
Couch Baron: Let me give you a message from him. You're a brainless, fried-haired, implanted, self-absorbed, simpering, bony hag, and if he could make a living solely by insulting you, he'd be the happiest man in the world.
Sorry for the diversion, but I'm finding it difficult to crack on Xander too much in this episode, and since he's normally my go-to man, I had to get a little creative. Anyway, Xander swaggers into school and heads over to Cordelia, who's apparently regained her social standing. Cordy doesn't show any signs of being different, but Xander doesn't really take the hint until she asks if he's going "Stalker Boy." Chastened, he leaves, and Cordy wonders what his deal is. From your point of view, Cordy, I'd think he's doing okay for someone who got his heart ripped out two nights before. You'd be proven wrong, of course, but why not take things as they come?