All About Oz

S02E15

Aw, I've been looking forward to this one.

School. Oz sways back and forth in front of the cheerleader trophy last seen in "The Witch." Willow greets him, and he tells her that the cheerleader's eyes follow you. Hee. Who's a little cheerleader? Willow asks him if he liked the movie the night before. Aw, they went on a date! That's so cute! By the way, just be prepared for my snark to turn to treacle when it comes to these two. Oz opines that today's movies are kind of fluffy, which is somewhat amusing from a meta viewpoint. Oh, Oz's hair in this episode is dark red, in case you're wondering. Sorry, I'm all over the place here. Oz is making me a little giddy. Sigh. Willow and Oz tell each other they enjoyed the date, then stand there, Willow awkwardly and Oz placidly. Buffy's appearance rescues Willow from continuing to gape like a large-mouthed grouper, and they leave as Larry and two guys -- to whom I'll refer, for obvious reasons, as "Meat" and "Head" -- approach. Larry tells Oz he'd like to get some Buffy/Willow action. Oz: "That's great, Larry. You've really mastered the single entendre." Hee. Not knowing the definition of "entendre," and possibly a bit fuzzy on "single" as well, Larry shifts gears and knocks a book out of some girl's hand, then ogles her ass when she bends over to pick it up. Oz comes as close to rolling his eyes as he's capable of. In other words, his irises do actually move from their normal positions. Larry then quizzes Oz on why he's dating a junior, and speculates that Willow's innocence is just an act. Oz: "Yeah. She's actually an evil mastermind. It's fun." Hee. Why make my own jokes when I have Oz around? Larry fishes that Willow must be putting out. Meat and Head are really trying hard with the facial expressions in the background. Sorry, kids, but I don't think this episode is going to inspire any sort of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead-like tale. Keep slinging that hash in Hollywood, though -- you never know. Larry asks Oz, "How far have you gotten?" Oz looks at him like, "How can I get out of this diplomatically, considering that this guy could swallow me whole and still have room for dessert?"

We don't find out, as Willow answers Larry's question, "Nowhere!" She and Buffy walk through the quad. Buffy opines that it's nice that "he's not just being an animal." BOOM! That was Foreshadowing shooting himself out of a cannon and splattering all over my monitor. Good thing I leaned over to adjust the volume on my speakers. I just hope I'm not out of Windex. Willow complains that she wants "smoochies." Buffy asks if she's dropped hints. Willow: "I've dropped anvils." I know TWoP didn't yet exist when this episode originally aired, but I don't care. On behalf of everyone ever affiliated with the site, I am taking that as a shout-out. Buffy says he'll come around, asking what guy could resist her charms. Willow wrestles the rhetorical question to the ground with, "At last count, all of them. Maybe more." Cute, hon, but not as cute as your boyfriend, so easy on the whinging, okay? Buffy continues to reassure Willow, and since I didn't watch "Innocence" before this, I only now remembered just how good a friend she's being here. Willow says he'd better hurry. "I don't want to be the only girl in school without a real boyfriend!" Buffy looks down all, "Thanks, Willow. I was wondering what I was going to do with that shred of my heart I had left." Willow immediately realizes her error, what with her foot touching the back of her skull, and babbles her apologies. "Do you want me to go away?" Buffy: "I wish you wouldn't." Say it with me: Awwww. Willow asks how she's holding up, and Buffy bravely says she's doing okay, but that hanging out with her and Xander that night would help. Willow: "Great! I'll give Xander a call. What's his number? Oh yeah: 1-800-I'm dating a skanky ho!" Hee! And extra points for the use of the word "skanky." You know how some words are just funny? "Skanky" is one of them. Hee. "Skanky." Okay, enough regression for this page. Buffy meows, and Willow's pleased that her comment was bitchy enough to warrant it. She asks, "What does he see in her anyway?"

Cut the skanky (hee) ho and Xander making out in her car. He breaks the lip lock to asks what Willow could see in Oz. Dude, you're on a lot shakier ground than Willow was with her question. Cordy rightly snaps at him for even bringing up the subject. He rambles on that Oz is a senior, good-looking, and in a band, "and we know what kind of element that attracts." Cordy says she's dated lots of guys in bands. Xander: "Thank you." Hee. Cordy asks if he even wants to be there, pointing out that when he's not talking about Willow, he's talking about Buffy. He starts to babble some more, but she interrupts with, "Xander! Look around. We're in my daddy's car. It's just the two of us. There is a beautiful, big full moon outside tonight; it doesn't get more romantic than this. So SHUT UP!" Ha! Boy, if they keep Oz and Cordelia around, I won't have to do any work at all in this recap. As Cordy and Xander mack, we cut to a shot outside the car. The camera pans back to reveal something in a furry suit watching them. Well, I'm sorry, but this costume would be ample fodder for Mystery Science Theater 3000, were it still on the air. Where was I? Oh, yes: Credits.

We return to our airing of As My Stomach Turns, already in progress. Xander takes a breath to ask Cordy if she heard a noise. Cordy snits, "Is Willow sending out some sort of distress signal that only you can hear?" It's sad to realize that the writers are getting Season Seven plot point ideas from Season Two throwaway dialogue. It does neatly illustrate the show's precipitous drop in quality, though. I could make a joke about Mount Everest and the Marianas Trench, but again, why do any work when someone else has already been kind enough to do it for me? They lean in again, but Xander hears a louder noise. Cordy re-straps her bitch, but is interrupted mid-rant by a furry arm punching a hole in the convertible's roof. After a bit of fumbling with the key, during which the arm flails about like an octopus on crack, Cordy backs up and hits the brakes, throwing the creature off the car, then peels out. Xander: "Told you I heard something." Cordy isn't kind enough to say it for me, so I have to do some work here: Shut up, Xander. Actually, that's not really work at all.

School parking lot. Buffy examines the roof and asks Xander if he's sure it was a werewolf. Xander takes up an entire chapter on the DVD to confirm that he's sure, and adds that it tried to bite them, which I don't recall seeing, but it's possible that my eyes staged a brief strike in protest of the slobbering in the car. Giles, Willow, and Oz are also there, and Giles reports that there were a number of other sightings of a "wild dog," and that several animal carcasses were found. Buffy's relieved to hear that no humans were hurt, but Giles cautions that the werewolf will be back for the month's full moon. Willow corrects him that the full moon is actually that night, which I'd expect Giles to know, since Kendra knew the lunar cycle off the top of her head. Giles is flummoxed that the werewolf appeared before the full moon, and Buffy notes that he has some research to do. Giles smiles excitedly. "Werewolves! It's one of the classics." He leaves. Buffy: "He needs to get a pet." Or a TWoP recapper. And since I'm the only one currently living in England, I'll take one for the team. ["Gee, 'thanks.'" -- The Team]

Gym. A female teacher is giving the kids a lecture on self-defense. Oz, sitting behind Willow, fixes the tag on her shirt. Xander calls over to tone it down, as they're in public, prompting Cordy to snark, "I think you splashed on just a little too much Obsession For Dorks." Thanks again, Cordy! This job's a breeze sometimes. The teacher finishes her lecture and tells the kids to get into their assigned groups. The kids gather around a table to fill out some forms on clipboards for some reason. Xander observes that Larry's arm is bandaged, and asks what happened. Larry says that a "huge dog" bit him the week before. A huge dog named Gunther. He was dressed like a Tom Of Finland drawing, and he liked to play rough. Whoa. Where'd that come from? Oz sympathizes (with the bite, not the other stuff) and says that his baby cousin Jordy bit him. Larry, less than impressed, walks away, then accosts a very pretty girl named Theresa. He crows, "Be still, my shorts." Irony: "I never get tired of this job." Larry goes on that he may have to attack her, but Theresa tells him that there are other people in their group, which is Buffy's cue to appear with a sunny smile. Hee. Willow doesn't see the joke, however, and pulls Buffy away and warns her not to flaunt her strength. Thanks, Mom.

The teacher tells them she's going to show them what to do if they get attacked from behind. Larry, Larry, Larry. So many jokes, so little time. Her advice is to "bend forward," and while I appreciate dialogue appropriate for my recapping gig, Oz, I can't keep up with the endless openings for Larry jokes here. And look at that -- I just said "openings." Anyway, demonstrating with Buffy and Larry, the teacher tells them to use their back and shoulders to flip their assailant to the ground. Buffy gives a couple tenth-hearted tries at flipping Larry until he makes the mistake of grabbing her ass. She flips him hard. Everyone looks over. Oz: "That works, too." Hee.

Library. Giles, complete with globes, gives Xander, Buffy, and Willow a lesson on the phases of the moon, saying that though there's no scientific explanation, they do seem to affect the human psyche, and that the full moon brings out people's darkest qualities. Xander: "And yet ironically led to the invention of the moon pie." Giles has a long tee-hee at that, and Buffy looks disturbed. I'm going to trust that the writers were clever enough to throw that in to illustrate that only during a full moon would Giles laugh at one of Xander's lame jokes. I'm choosing to believe that Mercury was in retrograde as well. Giles gives a Whatever Explanation about the werewolf, the point of which is that it emerges for three consecutive nights around the full moon. He goes on that it acts on pure instinct, and is predatory and aggressive. Buffy: "In other words, your typical male." Xander: "On behalf of my gender, hey!" I'm not getting involved. Giles says not to jump to conclusions. Buffy: "I didn't jump! I took a tiny step and there conclusions were." Heh. Giles clarifies that the wolf could be female. Thanks for making me think of Veruca. She was so skanky. Hee. "Skanky." Xander asks if silver bullets are the order of the day, but Giles says no, because they don't want to kill the human, who may be less than lucid about his or her lycanthropic leanings. Buffy: "So tonight we bring him back alive."

By Couch Baron

Theresa, the girl from gym class, walks down a street. The camera cuts make it clear that she's not alone. She hears a noise and growling behind her. She starts to run, looks back, and plows straight into...Angelus. Nicely done -- I didn't see that coming at all. Angelus smiles and asks if everything's okay. He's twirling a buttercup in his hand, the sheer incongruity of which cracks me up. Theresa says she thought she heard something. Angel walks a couple steps in that direction, but says there's no one there, and smiles that "it can get pretty scary out here all alone at night." Chilling. He conversationally continues that she looks familiar, and asks if she goes to school with Buffy. Theresa smiles, and Angel offers to walk her to his parlor -- er, "home."

Bronze. We get anviled with some shots of couples kissing as a band plays. Then we get a tight shot of Cordy complaining that all Xander talks about is Buffy and Willow. She leans back on the couch to reveal that she's talking to Willow. Hee. Cordy goes on that when she calls him on it, he acts confused and makes like she's the one with the problem. Willow: "His 'do I smell something' look." Ha! They bitch a bit more about Xander, then turn the subject to Oz. Willow reiterates a lot of the stuff she told Buffy earlier. They keep griping until the werewolf drops out of nowhere onto a table in front of them. Everyone runs screaming. So in a room fill of scared and horny teens, it didn't manage to bite anyone? I'd think some of the more desperate specimens would have been happy for the action.

Outside, Buffy and Giles arrive, and they note that Buffy's hunch must have been correct. Willow rushes up and tells her the werewolf is inside, and Buffy runs in just before the bouncer closes the door, like, nice to leave a seventeen-year-old girl in there by herself, tough guy. She slowly seeks the werewolf, and I'm unduly distracted by the fact that she hasn't taken off her backpack purse. That's gotta restrict her movement. She goes backstage, and after an eternity, the werewolf shows itself. Okay, she's taken off the purse and has gotten some chains out of it, so all is forgiven, I suppose. She throws the chains around the werewolf's neck, but it grabs them and tosses her into the drums, then crashes through a window and escapes. I guess Spike's comment that she's hell on the drums had some truth to it. And speaking of drums, can I get a rim-shot? No? Tough crowd.

Some time later, UnAbel has shown up; he spews some condescending sexist blather, like, try trading some of those teeth for a nuance or two, jerkweed. He gets off a decent mutter about having to deal with "People For The Ethical Treatment Of Werewolves," and bails. Previewing "Becoming Part Two," Giles mutters, "Pillock!" While I was more impressed with his steely resolve in the later episode, I'll opine that the insult is more appropriately applied to UnAbel than Angelus. Giles and Buffy move to leave as well.

By Couch Baron

After the break, the dude realizes that he hasn't captured his intended prey, while Buffy calls for Giles. He appears, and raises his hands when the dude trains the gun on him. He says his name's Cain (What. Ever.) and that he'll ask the questions. He does, however, let Buffy down, but then makes some comments implying that Buffy and Giles are engaged in a May-December romance. Giles is appalled, as am I. He'd never get involved with anyone under the age of, say, thirty-three. Giles starts toward him, but Buffy holds him back and tells "Repulso-Brain" that they're simply hunting werewolves. I refuse to call this guy Cain, and Repulso-Brain is too long to type, so I think I'll settle for "UnAbel." UnAbel chuckles at the idea of the two of them hunting werewolves. Displaying a necklace made out of large teeth, he boasts that he took one from each werewolf he killed, and that the one he's currently pursuing will bring the total to twelve. Buffy and Giles are shocked that he kills them, but he sleazes that their pelts are worth a lot of money in Sri Lanka (again, whatever) and that it's hard to skin them while they're alive. He blathers some Whatever Exposition about werewolves being attracted to sexual heat, and if his prey isn't at their current location, it'll have found someplace similar. Buffy plays dumb, but after UnAbel oozes away, she says she thinks she knows where the werewolf is heading. Hooters?

And now the scene you've all been waiting for. In the locker room, Larry washes his face, then comes out into the locker room drying off and runs smack into Xander. Xander asks if he's jumpy because he's hiding something. The salami? He says he knows what Larry's been doing at night. Larry threatens him, but Xander says hurting him won't stop people from finding out. I wonder what exactly Larry has been doing at night? Dressing in drag and going to see The Rocky Horror Picture Show? What does he think Xander has on him? He asks Xander if he wants money, but Xander says he just wants to help, and that he's been where Larry is now. Larry counters that Xander has no social status, but if his own secret gets out, he's finished. "I mean, come on! How are people gonna look at me after they find out I'm gay?" Xander slowly looks up. Ha! Another moment I didn't see coming at all when I first watched this. Hee hee. Larry realizes that he finally said it, and it felt okay. Xander hilariously tries to smile. Larry reiterates that he's gay. Xander, nervously: "I heard you the first time." Hee. Larry muses that he never told anyone, but Xander brought it out of him. Xander: "It probably would have slipped out even if I wasn't here." Larry demurs, puts his arm around Xander, and speculates that he beat him up so many times because he recognized something in him that he didn't want to believe about himself. Hee hee hee. Poor Xander. Hee. Xander tries to deny it, but Larry plays along, and says his secret's safe. He gives a thumbs-up, and walks off. Too, too precious. And it really brings a whole new meaning to the term "butt-monkey," doesn't it?

Library. Buffy asks Willow if anyone else fits the werewolf pattern. Willow says there's one name, and rattles off a few incidents that make it clear she's talking about Buffy. Buffy tries to defend herself. Willow deadpans that it's a good idea to count to ten when you're angry. Buffy: "One...two...three..." Hee. Willow says she'll keep looking, and Buffy tentatively notes that Oz isn't with her. They complain a bit more about men, then Buffy suggests that Willow do something daring if she wants to speed things up with Oz: Make the first move. That's daring? I thought at the very least she'd suggest that Willow lose her bra or something. As they leave the library, Willow says it used to be easier to tell if a boy liked you -- he'd punch you in the arm. Xander appears and taps Buffy's arm. We get it. Willow excuses herself, saying she promised Cordelia she'd help her with her homework. Xander: "Wow, those two gals are hanging out a lot together! This'd be a good time to panic." One of my favorite Xander lines. Buffy asks how things went with Larry, and Xander proves that he is indeed panicking by getting incredibly defensive. Buffy sighs that their lead suspect is gone. Xander assures her that she's everyone's protector, but Buffy points out that she didn't help Theresa when she "was ripped apart by that..." Xander "helpfully" supplies "werewolf," missing the point that they never actually saw or heard any evidence that Theresa died at the werewolf's, er, paw, only assumed it. Xander: "What else should we have assumed?" Xander, what kind of Slayer is Buffy?

Standing to Theresa's open coffin, Buffy pulls down Theresa's choker to reveal a neck wound and answers both our questions with, "Vampire." All caught up, Xander? He starts to say that that's good, I assume in the sense that Buffy letting the werewolf go didn't get Theresa killed, but a look from Buffy causes him to realize, "There is no good here." Buffy engages in a bit of self-flagellation, which again, given what she's recently been through, I'm perfectly willing to indulge. She walks over to sign the visitor's book, and notes that Theresa had a lot of friends. Xander very nicely tries to point out all the good Buffy's done, recounting the events of "I Robot, You Jane" and "Teacher's Pet," like, lovely sentiment, Xander, but did you have to remind us of those two particular episodes? He then blurts out that Theresa's a vampire. Turning, Buffy sees that Theresa has vamped out and is sitting up. Buffy manages to get Theresa to the ground and break a stake off a wooden flower stand, but it's Theresa who hits Buffy's heart by biting out (heh), "Angel sends his love." That is colder than the mountains of Busch. Theresa flips Buffy over, and the two wrestle a bit until Xander stakes Theresa from behind in a credits shot. Buffy, shaken, slowly gets to her feet and hugs Xander. Xander tells her that Angel isn't the guy she knew. Buffy pulls away slowly, in about the tempo that telegraphs a kiss, but simply grabs her bag and bolts. Xander mutters how complicated his life is. Sorry, Xander, but I don't think you need a life coach just yet. Although in later years, you could certainly use a live-in stylist, so start saving that money, I say.

Woods. In his van, UnAbel pours some molten silver into a cast. The fact that he's scheming to kill one of my two favorite characters and I still care more about whether I have enough ham in my refrigerator for a sandwich should give you a clue how I feel about this plotline. However, in case you're at Xander's comprehension level, it's boring.

The full moon rises. At home, Oz takes some manacles out of a box. Okay, fuck the sandwich. There's a knock at the door, and Oz debates whether he should answer, but the knocking is persistent enough to get him up. He opens the door, and Willow comes barging in, spouting about how she had a whole speech ready but it didn't make sense and blah blah blah blurtcakes. Oz tries to impress upon her that this is not the best time, but she won't be deterred from her proto-Ruth Fisher rant, saying that she's going through changes too. Instead of physically forcing her out, or possibly telling her his secret, Oz allows her to continue babbling until she notices the chains. Dude, there's not going to be any bondage fun if you end up eating the future Mistress Of Pain. Oz doubles over, and tries to get to the door, but collapses behind the couch and starts to wolf out. Hearing strangling noises, Willow walks toward the couch at approximately the same speed as a truck-stop waitress at the end of a double shift. Before the moon manages to set again, however, she reaches the couch, and Mystery Science Theater Werewolf pops up all, "Peek a boo!" Willow shrieks.

By Couch Baron

Xander and Buffy pedeconference at school. Xander: "How are we supposed to act when we see him?" Buffy says that he's still a human being. The discussion continues until it becomes clear that while Buffy's talking about Oz, Xander's talking about Larry. Hee. Speaking of the newest member of the Southern California circuit, we see Meat and Head (those guys just won't give up their dream, will they?) pulling the same trick as before on some new girl, except this time Larry comes out of nowhere and helps her gather her books. That's right -- we gays are very polite, and would never, ever surreptitiously check out anyone else's ass. Ahem. Larry bounds over to Xander and thanks him. Buffy asks what he did, but Xander hems and haws. Larry claps him firmly but tenderly on the shoulder, and takes off without the slightest peek at Xander's butt. Rookie. Buffy wonders what's going to happen to Oz and Willow, and Xander gives a tedious analysis of their future that's the werewolf equivalent of his speech about Buffy and Angel's future together he gave in "Surprise," so I'm not going to bother with it. He starts to say if it were up to him...Buffy: "It's not up to you." Well said, sister. However, since it's no work at all, I'll just add this: Shut up, Xander.

In the quad, Willow finds Oz, who looks relieved to see her. She invites him to go first. Oz says that Giles told him he just needs to lock himself up around the full moon. "Only he used more words than that. And a globe." So I missed a scene with my two favorite characters to grant a lame villain with an oversized boy-band necklace more screentime? Willow apologizes for shooting him, and he apologizes for almost eating her. Young love. Willow wonders why he didn't tell her about the whole werewolf thing, but he responds that he didn't know what to say, and that finding out he's a werewolf was "fairly freaksome. It may take a couple days getting used to." Hee. He offers to stay out of her way, but she counters: "I'm kind of okay with you being in my way." Awwww. While listing his positive attributes, she throws in a little anti-smoking mention that almost ruins the speech for me, but she saves it with, "Three days out of the month I'm not much fun to be around either." Heh. They agree that they'd both "still," but Willow adds the proviso of "no biting." We'll see how long that lasts, sister. Willow walks off, but returns to kiss him full on the lips, then bails again. Oz looks after her happily, and says, "A werewolf in love." Looks like he didn't need those couple of days to get used to the idea. And again, awwww.

By Couch Baron

When we return, Willow runs out the side door. Ooh, she's been to Oz's house before. Naughty naughty! Although I would have run down to his basement and barricaded myself in that little closet around the corner from the...whoops. Anyway, Willow runs down the street and manages to scramble over a large fence. When Oz tries to do the same, Willow picks up a garbage can and clocks him in the face. Between this trick and the one she pulled in "School Hard," I'm thinking Willow must be pumping a little iron on the side. She's totally the type who would lift secretly for three years just to be able to haul off and clock Harmony at exactly the right moment. Anyway, UnAbel drives down a street, and hears a howl. Boring.

By Couch Baron

In the library, Giles is assembling a tranquilizer gun when Buffy enters and fills him in on the happenings with Theresa. Giles offers his condolences, but Buffy waves them off in favor of action. In the woods, Willow runs, with the Oz-wolf in pursuit. She trips and falls, but the Oz-wolf sniffs something else in the air, and runs off. From beyond the grave, that chick in the "Thriller" video thinks, "Why didn't I get a lame werewolf like that?" Willow bails, and in the scene, busts into the library and reveals Oz's secret. Well, that's not very polite. I mean, you wouldn't want him to tell people that you fart in your sleep or anything, would you, Willow? Anyway, the three of them head back to the woods. That's where we return as well, as sometime soon after, the Oz-wolf tentatively approaches some raw meat that UnAbel has left out for him. UnAbel takes aim at him from close by. Right before he pulls the trigger, however, Buffy comes flying out of nowhere, grabs the gun from UnAbel, and clocks him in the face with it. The Oz-wolf, seeing this, goes to attack Buffy.

Giles and Willow arrive, but Giles can't get a clear shot at Oz. Oz then throws Buffy into Giles and Willow, knocking them down. Willow's back on her feet quickly, though, and grabs the gun and manages to shoot Oz, who goes down faster than a Real World: Las Vegas cast member. Buffy retrieves UnAbel's gun as he gets to his feet, complaining that no one in Sunnydale is "man enough" to kill the monsters. Buffy demurs, and bends the barrel of his gun before tossing it back to him. "How about you let the door hit you in the ass on the way out of town." And if the door's unavailable, I'll volunteer my foot. Willow cutely asks if Oz will be okay, and Giles confirms that. Aw. The first time you shoot your boyfriend with a tranquilizer dart is so traumatic.

By Couch Baron

Don't worry -- with the episodes I have left to recap, my snark will return in spades.