Phases

Aw, I've been looking forward to this one.

School. Oz sways back and forth in front of the cheerleader trophy last seen in "The Witch." Willow greets him, and he tells her that the cheerleader's eyes follow you. Hee. Who's a little cheerleader? Willow asks him if he liked the movie the night before. Aw, they went on a date! That's so cute! By the way, just be prepared for my snark to turn to treacle when it comes to these two. Oz opines that today's movies are kind of fluffy, which is somewhat amusing from a meta viewpoint. Oh, Oz's hair in this episode is dark red, in case you're wondering. Sorry, I'm all over the place here. Oz is making me a little giddy. Sigh. Willow and Oz tell each other they enjoyed the date, then stand there, Willow awkwardly and Oz placidly. Buffy's appearance rescues Willow from continuing to gape like a large-mouthed grouper, and they leave as Larry and two guys -- to whom I'll refer, for obvious reasons, as "Meat" and "Head" -- approach. Larry tells Oz he'd like to get some Buffy/Willow action. Oz: "That's great, Larry. You've really mastered the single entendre." Hee. Not knowing the definition of "entendre," and possibly a bit fuzzy on "single" as well, Larry shifts gears and knocks a book out of some girl's hand, then ogles her ass when she bends over to pick it up. Oz comes as close to rolling his eyes as he's capable of. In other words, his irises do actually move from their normal positions. Larry then quizzes Oz on why he's dating a junior, and speculates that Willow's innocence is just an act. Oz: "Yeah. She's actually an evil mastermind. It's fun." Hee. Why make my own jokes when I have Oz around? Larry fishes that Willow must be putting out. Meat and Head are really trying hard with the facial expressions in the background. Sorry, kids, but I don't think this episode is going to inspire any sort of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead-like tale. Keep slinging that hash in Hollywood, though -- you never know. Larry asks Oz, "How far have you gotten?" Oz looks at him like, "How can I get out of this diplomatically, considering that this guy could swallow me whole and still have room for dessert?"

We don't find out, as Willow answers Larry's question, "Nowhere!" She and Buffy walk through the quad. Buffy opines that it's nice that "he's not just being an animal." BOOM! That was Foreshadowing shooting himself out of a cannon and splattering all over my monitor. Good thing I leaned over to adjust the volume on my speakers. I just hope I'm not out of Windex. Willow complains that she wants "smoochies." Buffy asks if she's dropped hints. Willow: "I've dropped anvils." I know TWoP didn't yet exist when this episode originally aired, but I don't care. On behalf of everyone ever affiliated with the site, I am taking that as a shout-out. Buffy says he'll come around, asking what guy could resist her charms. Willow wrestles the rhetorical question to the ground with, "At last count, all of them. Maybe more." Cute, hon, but not as cute as your boyfriend, so easy on the whinging, okay? Buffy continues to reassure Willow, and since I didn't watch "Innocence" before this, I only now remembered just how good a friend she's being here. Willow says he'd better hurry. "I don't want to be the only girl in school without a real boyfriend!" Buffy looks down all, "Thanks, Willow. I was wondering what I was going to do with that shred of my heart I had left." Willow immediately realizes her error, what with her foot touching the back of her skull, and babbles her apologies. "Do you want me to go away?" Buffy: "I wish you wouldn't." Say it with me: Awwww. Willow asks how she's holding up, and Buffy bravely says she's doing okay, but that hanging out with her and Xander that night would help. Willow: "Great! I'll give Xander a call. What's his number? Oh yeah: 1-800-I'm dating a skanky ho!" Hee! And extra points for the use of the word "skanky." You know how some words are just funny? "Skanky" is one of them. Hee. "Skanky." Okay, enough regression for this page. Buffy meows, and Willow's pleased that her comment was bitchy enough to warrant it. She asks, "What does he see in her anyway?"

Cut the skanky (hee) ho and Xander making out in her car. He breaks the lip lock to asks what Willow could see in Oz. Dude, you're on a lot shakier ground than Willow was with her question. Cordy rightly snaps at him for even bringing up the subject. He rambles on that Oz is a senior, good-looking, and in a band, "and we know what kind of element that attracts." Cordy says she's dated lots of guys in bands. Xander: "Thank you." Hee. Cordy asks if he even wants to be there, pointing out that when he's not talking about Willow, he's talking about Buffy. He starts to babble some more, but she interrupts with, "Xander! Look around. We're in my daddy's car. It's just the two of us. There is a beautiful, big full moon outside tonight; it doesn't get more romantic than this. So SHUT UP!" Ha! Boy, if they keep Oz and Cordelia around, I won't have to do any work at all in this recap. As Cordy and Xander mack, we cut to a shot outside the car. The camera pans back to reveal something in a furry suit watching them. Well, I'm sorry, but this costume would be ample fodder for Mystery Science Theater 3000, were it still on the air. Where was I? Oh, yes: Credits.

We return to our airing of As My Stomach Turns, already in progress. Xander takes a breath to ask Cordy if she heard a noise. Cordy snits, "Is Willow sending out some sort of distress signal that only you can hear?" It's sad to realize that the writers are getting Season Seven plot point ideas from Season Two throwaway dialogue. It does neatly illustrate the show's precipitous drop in quality, though. I could make a joke about Mount Everest and the Marianas Trench, but again, why do any work when someone else has already been kind enough to do it for me? They lean in again, but Xander hears a louder noise. Cordy re-straps her bitch, but is interrupted mid-rant by a furry arm punching a hole in the convertible's roof. After a bit of fumbling with the key, during which the arm flails about like an octopus on crack, Cordy backs up and hits the brakes, throwing the creature off the car, then peels out. Xander: "Told you I heard something." Cordy isn't kind enough to say it for me, so I have to do some work here: Shut up, Xander. Actually, that's not really work at all.

School parking lot. Buffy examines the roof and asks Xander if he's sure it was a werewolf. Xander takes up an entire chapter on the DVD to confirm that he's sure, and adds that it tried to bite them, which I don't recall seeing, but it's possible that my eyes staged a brief strike in protest of the slobbering in the car. Giles, Willow, and Oz are also there, and Giles reports that there were a number of other sightings of a "wild dog," and that several animal carcasses were found. Buffy's relieved to hear that no humans were hurt, but Giles cautions that the werewolf will be back for the month's full moon. Willow corrects him that the full moon is actually that night, which I'd expect Giles to know, since Kendra knew the lunar cycle off the top of her head. Giles is flummoxed that the werewolf appeared before the full moon, and Buffy notes that he has some research to do. Giles smiles excitedly. "Werewolves! It's one of the classics." He leaves. Buffy: "He needs to get a pet." Or a TWoP recapper. And since I'm the only one currently living in England, I'll take one for the team. ["Gee, 'thanks.'" -- The Team]

Gym. A female teacher is giving the kids a lecture on self-defense. Oz, sitting behind Willow, fixes the tag on her shirt. Xander calls over to tone it down, as they're in public, prompting Cordy to snark, "I think you splashed on just a little too much Obsession For Dorks." Thanks again, Cordy! This job's a breeze sometimes. The teacher finishes her lecture and tells the kids to get into their assigned groups. The kids gather around a table to fill out some forms on clipboards for some reason. Xander observes that Larry's arm is bandaged, and asks what happened. Larry says that a "huge dog" bit him the week before. A huge dog named Gunther. He was dressed like a Tom Of Finland drawing, and he liked to play rough. Whoa. Where'd that come from? Oz sympathizes (with the bite, not the other stuff) and says that his baby cousin Jordy bit him. Larry, less than impressed, walks away, then accosts a very pretty girl named Theresa. He crows, "Be still, my shorts." Irony: "I never get tired of this job." Larry goes on that he may have to attack her, but Theresa tells him that there are other people in their group, which is Buffy's cue to appear with a sunny smile. Hee. Willow doesn't see the joke, however, and pulls Buffy away and warns her not to flaunt her strength. Thanks, Mom.

The teacher tells them she's going to show them what to do if they get attacked from behind. Larry, Larry, Larry. So many jokes, so little time. Her advice is to "bend forward," and while I appreciate dialogue appropriate for my recapping gig, Oz, I can't keep up with the endless openings for Larry jokes here. And look at that -- I just said "openings." Anyway, demonstrating with Buffy and Larry, the teacher tells them to use their back and shoulders to flip their assailant to the ground. Buffy gives a couple tenth-hearted tries at flipping Larry until he makes the mistake of grabbing her ass. She flips him hard. Everyone looks over. Oz: "That works, too." Hee.

Library. Giles, complete with globes, gives Xander, Buffy, and Willow a lesson on the phases of the moon, saying that though there's no scientific explanation, they do seem to affect the human psyche, and that the full moon brings out people's darkest qualities. Xander: "And yet ironically led to the invention of the moon pie." Giles has a long tee-hee at that, and Buffy looks disturbed. I'm going to trust that the writers were clever enough to throw that in to illustrate that only during a full moon would Giles laugh at one of Xander's lame jokes. I'm choosing to believe that Mercury was in retrograde as well. Giles gives a Whatever Explanation about the werewolf, the point of which is that it emerges for three consecutive nights around the full moon. He goes on that it acts on pure instinct, and is predatory and aggressive. Buffy: "In other words, your typical male." Xander: "On behalf of my gender, hey!" I'm not getting involved. Giles says not to jump to conclusions. Buffy: "I didn't jump! I took a tiny step and there conclusions were." Heh. Giles clarifies that the wolf could be female. Thanks for making me think of Veruca. She was so skanky. Hee. "Skanky." Xander asks if silver bullets are the order of the day, but Giles says no, because they don't want to kill the human, who may be less than lucid about his or her lycanthropic leanings. Buffy: "So tonight we bring him back alive."

Full moon. Flashlight in hand, Giles strolls around what's obviously a makeout site. Giles, my car's the one over. He catches sight of Buffy, and asks her if she saw anything. She excitedly relays some scandalous gossip about two kids (one named "Owen," although I don't know if that's the same Owen from "Never Kill A Boy On The First Date") but at a look from Giles, she says she hasn't spotted the werewolf. Giles suggests they knock on a few windows and ask if anyone's seen anything. Buffy duhs, "Giles, no one's seen anything." Hee. They split up again. Buffy pauses, hears something at her feet, and is suddenly swept up into a large net. Some dude that bears a passing resemblance to a younger Paul Gleason emerges from the bushes, points a gun at her, and says, "Gotcha!" "Gotcha"? Dude, you need to take a class in remedial exclamations, methinks. Leave "Gotcha!" in the eighties where it belongs. Along with Anthony Edwards.

After the break, the dude realizes that he hasn't captured his intended prey, while Buffy calls for Giles. He appears, and raises his hands when the dude trains the gun on him. He says his name's Cain (What. Ever.) and that he'll ask the questions. He does, however, let Buffy down, but then makes some comments implying that Buffy and Giles are engaged in a May-December romance. Giles is appalled, as am I. He'd never get involved with anyone under the age of, say, thirty-three. Giles starts toward him, but Buffy holds him back and tells "Repulso-Brain" that they're simply hunting werewolves. I refuse to call this guy Cain, and Repulso-Brain is too long to type, so I think I'll settle for "UnAbel." UnAbel chuckles at the idea of the two of them hunting werewolves. Displaying a necklace made out of large teeth, he boasts that he took one from each werewolf he killed, and that the one he's currently pursuing will bring the total to twelve. Buffy and Giles are shocked that he kills them, but he sleazes that their pelts are worth a lot of money in Sri Lanka (again, whatever) and that it's hard to skin them while they're alive. He blathers some Whatever Exposition about werewolves being attracted to sexual heat, and if his prey isn't at their current location, it'll have found someplace similar. Buffy plays dumb, but after UnAbel oozes away, she says she thinks she knows where the werewolf is heading. Hooters?

Theresa, the girl from gym class, walks down a street. The camera cuts make it clear that she's not alone. She hears a noise and growling behind her. She starts to run, looks back, and plows straight intoAngelus. Nicely done -- I didn't see that coming at all. Angelus smiles and asks if everything's okay. He's twirling a buttercup in his hand, the sheer incongruity of which cracks me up. Theresa says she thought she heard something. Angel walks a couple steps in that direction, but says there's no one there, and smiles that "it can get pretty scary out here all alone at night." Chilling. He conversationally continues that she looks familiar, and asks if she goes to school with Buffy. Theresa smiles, and Angel offers to walk her to his parlor -- er, "home."