Ted

Night. Buffy, Xander, and Willow are walking down a residential street. Xander and Willow are arguing over who wore the pants in an unspecified relationship. Turns out they're talking about the Captain and Tenille. I came up with them as a Halloween costume idea for me and Sars, but was rejected out of hand. I think she just didn't want to sing "Do That To Me One More Time." ["That is correct." -- Sars] Anyway, Willow doesn't think the Captain would let himself be bossed around, but Xander, possibly foreshadowing the dynamic of his own relationships, disagrees. They turn to Buffy for a tie-breaking vote, but she doesn't know whom they're talking about. She says that she's having happy "non-thoughts." Too easy. Xander notes that things have been quiet with Spike and Dru out of the way, and Buffy exposits that Angel's "sources" say the contract with the Order of Taraka is off. So Angel, who's been convalescing since the end of "What's My Line? Part Two," contacted some "sources" who happened to have that helpful information. Riiiiiiiiiight. Who's your Deep Throat, Angel? I hear thousands of Angel watchers instinctively typing these six letters: W-E-S-L-E-Y. We hear that Buffy's been playing "nursemaid" to Angel, and while they're a good-looking couple, it's still a mental picture I could do without. Of course, after the image I just visited on you all, I suppose I deserve it.

The good times stop rolling when the three arrive at Buffy's house to discover the door ajar. I guess someone came and knocked on their door. She tells Willow and Xander to wait on the porch, and takes a step that isn't new into the house. She hears a glass break and an anguished cry from Joyce, and runs into the kitchen to discover Joyce's lips having a rendezvous with those of special guest star John Ritter. He's obviously kept up the cooking skills, because he's in possession of a suitably large middle-aged man's gut. An exchange follows that's approximately as awkward as walking in on someone performing autoerotic asphyxiation. Hmm. I'm in a particularly graphic mood today. It must come from reading Uncle Bob's recaps. Although the fact that I can think of one movie and two television shows where that subject constituted a plotline makes me think that it isn't the most cutting-edge of topics anymore. Joyce introduces John Ritter as "Ted." Buffy stares as crickets chirp. Credits.

Ted occupies Xander and Willow with some cooking as Buffy and Joyce have a little chat outside the back door. Joyce tells Buffy that Ted's a "wonderful man." He makes her life a frolic and laughter call for her. Buffy, looking like she's trying to decide whether spitting or vomiting would best express her feelings at this moment, asks how they met. At the Regal Beagle? No, Joyce says he sells software, and that he redesigned her system at the gallery. Is that what the adults are calling it these days? Buffy notes that Joyce's newfound free time allows her to "meet new people. And smooch them in my kitchen." No offense, Buffy, but I don't think the kitchen is exactly your stomping grounds. These days I don't think your refrigerator could pick you out of a lineup. Joyce good-naturedly says that Buffy wasn't supposed to see the smoochfest. Willow and Ted are discussing some Whatever Technology (tm Gustave). Ted offers her some free software upgrades, and she cutely squeals with delight. Hard to believe that the sixteen-year-old programming whiz turned into a person whose computer lexicon begins and ends with "Google." Xander is munching away on a mini-pizza that looks like it's on an English muffin, while Ted shares some recipe tips. The point here is that Willow and Xander are on Ted like Corey Feldman is on a camera, only Ted doesn't seem grossed out by the experience.

Buffy and Joyce have returned, and Ted offers Buffy a pizza, which she predictably turns down. He apologizes for the circumstances of their meeting, and I accept for her, because if I didn't need a mental image of Buffy playing nursemaid to Angel, I certainly don't need one of Ted's gut slapping against Joyce as they get their mack on. There I go again. Damn you, Uncle Bob! Gesturing to a picture of Joyce and Buffy on the refrigerator, he says that Buffy's the most important thing in Joyce's life, and that makes her very important to him too. Joyce says she wants Buffy to be okay with them. Ted: "Beg to differ. We really want you to be okay with this." You had me until "beg to differ" -- I hate that phrase. If I see it on the boards, there's gonna be trouble. Oh yeah. I'm bad. Buffy says she's okay, accompanying that declaration with a fake smile that would put Patty Chase to shame.

Park. A vamp goes flying into a picnic table. Buffy picks up a garbage can lid and proceeds to beat the vamp into a bloody pulp in front of an increasingly disconcerted Giles. Giles tries to convey that perhaps staking the vamp would be preferable to making him look like Jared Leto in the later stages of Fight Club, to no avail. Eventually, Buffy remembers the "Slayer" part of her title, and dispatches the hapless vamp. She asks if there are any others, but Giles says he hopes not, for their sakes, and asks her if everything's okay. She opines that vampires are creeps, and Giles indulgently agrees. Buffy: "I mean, people are perfectly happy getting along and then vampires come and they run around and they kill people and they take over your whole house and they start making these stupid little mini-pizzas and everyone's like 'I like the mini-pizza' but I'm telling you" Hee. I can appreciate the value of a good run-on sentence. Although really, she could be talking about the Slayers-in-training, except for the mini-pizza part. Giles interrupts: "I believe the subtext here is rapidly becoming, uh, text?" Ha! That's one of my favorite lines. Buffy asks if he thinks there will be any more vampires, and that she can wait. Giles wonders to himself if the Watcher's Council stocks Prozac.

School. Xander is on about the mini-pizzas again. I suppose I slightly prefer to watch Xander thinking with his stomach over Xander thinking with his dick ["me too" -- Sars], but neither really makes for riveting television in my book. Willow asks if Buffy doesn't like Ted, but Buffy counters that she doesn't know him, and thinks there's something a little too clean about him. Xander cracks on her for having parental issues. Buffy admits that there might be some truth to that. "Seeing my mother frenching a guy is definitely a ticket to Therapyland but it's more than that." She opines that there's something wrong with Ted, which is his cue to appear in the background behind her. Xander not-too-subtly alerts her to that fact. Buffy rudely asks what he's doing there. He says he's updating some software in the guidance office, which is just another proof that Sunnydale High isn't like any public school I've ever seen. The ones I know were lucky if they could get their hands on an Amiga, and the word "upgrade" would be met with the phrase "not in the budget." Speaking of which, Ted hands Willow the upgrades he promised her. She thanks him profusely, and Buffy's unnoticed look of death is priceless. Ted asks Buffy if she likes miniature golf, and Xander responds, "Who doesn't?" I'd make some haughty comment here, except that I really like miniature golf. And bowling. Does that make me gay white trash? thing you know, I'll be finding out I'm Kirk Cameron's long-lost cousin. Ted invites them to play miniature golf with him and Joyce that Saturday. Buffy lamely tries to claim prior plans, and Willow lamely backs her up, but Xander overrules them, having been promised a picnic basket with mini-pizzas and cookies. Apropos of nothing, John Ritter has a mullet in this episode. It's a fairly well-coiffed mullet, but a mullet nonetheless. Well, I may have outed the white-trash side of myself, but I can take solace in the fact that I certainly have never had anyone be able to point to my hair and say, "Business in the front, party in the back!" Cousin Kirk, are your ears burning?

Elsewhere, Giles gingerly enters a classroom, and we see Miss Calendar inside. He greets her, and gets a neutral reply. He tells her he has a delivery for her, and she says she'll send some students to pick it up. He starts to leave, but she calls him on the flimsy pretext for coming to see her. He nervously smiles. "You should have heard the ones I threw out." Aw. He asks how she is. She says she's good, and smiles that she's stayed out of mortal danger for three weeks. "I could get used to it." Foreshadowing can be a very cruel dude. He does always bring beer, but it's usually PBR, and I'm not white trash enough for that. Miss Calendar shifts the mood, saying that she's still having trouble sleeping. He notes that she needs time, but she replies, "Or possibly space." That's gotta hurt. She explains that she knows he's concerned, but having him poking around making "puppy-dog eyes" at her isn't helping. "You make me feel bad that I don't feel better." Jeez, woman, why don't you rip out his heart and dance a waltz on it? Giles looks down and apologizes, saying he didn't mean to make "dog eyes." Aw. I'm making them right now. He leaves, and Miss Calendar sighs, probably in anticipation of fielding all the angry phone calls regarding her treatment of Giles.

Chez Angel. Buffy's rewrapping the gauze around Angel's hand wound. I'd guess he's learned to switch-hit during his recovery, if you know what I mean. Uncle Bob! Buffy yammers on about how into Ted her mother is. Angel fruitlessly looks around for something with which to puncture his eardrums. Buffy continues that she told her mom that she doesn't want to talk about Ted all the time. Angel: "So you gonna talk about something else at some point?" Zing! Chastened, Buffy apologizes, but says she doesn't need a new guy in her life. The sun picks this moment to retire, as the world has found someone new to revolve around. Angel points out that Joyce may actually need a new guy. Buffy whinily asks if it has to be Ted, but Angel in return asks if there's anyone that would satisfy her. Buffy: "My dad?" Uh, sweetie, Joss runs this show. You've got about as much chance of seeing your dad again as the Kelly and Justin movie has of winning the Oscar for Best Picture. Buffy says that she'll play nice with Ted. "Do I have to like him?" Angel: "Kiss me." I think he's just saying that to shut her up, but it works, so no problem here.

White Trash Central. Xander takes his turn as Joyce compliments Ted on the picnic. Ted tells Buffy that he bets boys are lined up around the block to get a date with her. Buffy, wearing a hideous leopard-print tank top, modestly demurs, but Willow says that they are, but she's only interested in -- Buffy nudges her -- "her studies! Bookcracker Buffy, it's kind of her nickname." Baste that story with a stick of butter and I still wouldn't be able to swallow it. Ted says he's glad to hear it, and that her grades will probably be picking up soon. Buffy goes over to her mom and asks how Ted knew about her grades. Joyce says she told him, and that it's a good thing he's interested in her life. Maybe, but I think bringing up her grades in front of her friends was way inappropriate. I liked Joyce, but she seriously didn't have a parenting clue sometimes.

School. Buffy asks Willow to investigate Ted. Willow and Xander, chomping on cookies, think she's overreacting. Cordy happens by, and Xander compliments her outfit. She gets snitty and stomps off, and Xander follows. Buffy and Willow watch them go, and it couldn't be more obvious what's going on if it were skywritten. Inspector Clouseau's already figured it out, and he's hampered by death as well as stupidity. Cordy chews Xander out, saying his friends are going to figure out what's going on. Well, they might if you keep acting like a screeching harpy every time he looks at you sideways. Then again, they do know you, so they might not. Xander: "'Know' what?" The meaning of life? How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?" That you macked, you impossibly thick buffoon! Xander catches up, asking if it's that they kissed, and Cordy makes an "uch" noise. Hee. Xander assures her that no one will know. "You wanna go to the utility closet and make out?" Cordy: "God, is that all you ever think about?" Beat. "Okay." Hee. Meanwhile, Buffy tells Willow that Ted acts like she's in the way, and that Joyce has been "Stepford" since he's been around, which is quite clever on the part of the writers, I must say. Willow says she'll help, and Buffy asks her to find out where he works.

Some office. Buffy sees Ted on the phone making a sale. He smarms that the software in question is very expensive, but it's worth it. He apparently makes the sale, although he doesn't get such possibly useful information as payment details or a shipping address, and then gets up as Buffy hides. Ted goes over to a magic marker board and adds a tic to his name, which has by far the most tics. He announces to no one that he's going to lunch. No one breathes a sigh of relief that he's rid of that smarmy salesman for an hour. After he's gone, some heavy middle-aged salesman gets some coffee and starts pleasantly chatting with Buffy. Buffy lies that she's temping for the day. Gesturing to the board, she says Ted must be the one to beat around there. Heavy Middle-Aged Salesman says that no one beats the "machine." Funny how clever and subtle so often starts to give way to ham-fisted and obvious. It's a microcosm of the development of this show. Buffy faux-innocently speculates that Ted must have people to support, but the dude tells her he just has a girlfriend, nodding to a picture frame on Ted's desk, which is the only personal item on it. Salesman: "Thank God he's taking off for the wedding." Whoa! Where's the shotgun? He goes on that it's in two months, before warning Buffy that the "uberboss" is coming. He leaves, and Buffy sidles over to Ted's desk and picks up the picture, which is of Joyce. Realization hits, and she takes the picture out of the frame. She unfolds it to discover that it's the picture from the refrigerator, with her image folded behind Joyce's. Again, cree-pee.

Chez Summers. Ted is saying grace. He asks that the people in the house be helped to be more productive, more considerate, and -- he opens his eyes and looks at Buffy -- "more honest." Buffy stares at him with her arms folded and a "bring it on, fat boy" look on her face. Ted asks her if she learned anything at school. Icily, she replies, "Quite a bit." Joyce tastes the food and has another orgasm. Yes, it's tough to watch. I was wondering how Ted handled eating, but now I realize that, like Buffy, he hasn't sampled his food at all. Buffy continues to stare, and Joyce finally notices. After a long pause, Buffy asks if they're engaged. Joyce says no, but Ted butts in that if everything goes well, he might ask her to tie the knot soon. He asks Buffy how that would make her feel, and encourages her to be honest. Buffy, fairly evenly: "I'd feel like killing myself." Joyce is shocked, like, where have you been this whole episode, lady? Oh, that's right; you've been on the train to Middle-Aged Schtupville. Ted points out that he told her to be honest, but tells Buffy that she should try to get used to him, because he's here to stay. Buffy asks if she can be excused, and Joyce tells her to go to her room, which she does. Joyce apologizes, but Ted smarms that a good salesman doesn't give up. Hey, Ted, have you read any Arthur Miller?