Come And Knock On Her Door

S02E11

Night. Buffy, Xander, and Willow are walking down a residential street. Xander and Willow are arguing over who wore the pants in an unspecified relationship. Turns out they're talking about the Captain and Tenille. I came up with them as a Halloween costume idea for me and Sars, but was rejected out of hand. I think she just didn't want to sing "Do That To Me One More Time." ["That is correct." -- Sars] Anyway, Willow doesn't think the Captain would let himself be bossed around, but Xander, possibly foreshadowing the dynamic of his own relationships, disagrees. They turn to Buffy for a tie-breaking vote, but she doesn't know whom they're talking about. She says that she's having happy "non-thoughts." Too easy. Xander notes that things have been quiet with Spike and Dru out of the way, and Buffy exposits that Angel's "sources" say the contract with the Order of Taraka is off. So Angel, who's been convalescing since the end of "What's My Line? Part Two," contacted some "sources" who happened to have that helpful information. Riiiiiiiiiight. Who's your Deep Throat, Angel? I hear thousands of Angel watchers instinctively typing these six letters: W-E-S-L-E-Y. We hear that Buffy's been playing "nursemaid" to Angel, and while they're a good-looking couple, it's still a mental picture I could do without. Of course, after the image I just visited on you all, I suppose I deserve it.

The good times stop rolling when the three arrive at Buffy's house to discover the door ajar. I guess someone came and knocked on their door. She tells Willow and Xander to wait on the porch, and takes a step that isn't new into the house. She hears a glass break and an anguished cry from Joyce, and runs into the kitchen to discover Joyce's lips having a rendezvous with those of special guest star John Ritter. He's obviously kept up the cooking skills, because he's in possession of a suitably large middle-aged man's gut. An exchange follows that's approximately as awkward as walking in on someone performing autoerotic asphyxiation. Hmm. I'm in a particularly graphic mood today. It must come from reading Uncle Bob's recaps. Although the fact that I can think of one movie and two television shows where that subject constituted a plotline makes me think that it isn't the most cutting-edge of topics anymore. Joyce introduces John Ritter as "Ted." Buffy stares as crickets chirp. Credits.

By Couch Baron

Ted occupies Xander and Willow with some cooking as Buffy and Joyce have a little chat outside the back door. Joyce tells Buffy that Ted's a "wonderful man." He makes her life a frolic and laughter call for her. Buffy, looking like she's trying to decide whether spitting or vomiting would best express her feelings at this moment, asks how they met. At the Regal Beagle? No, Joyce says he sells software, and that he redesigned her system at the gallery. Is that what the adults are calling it these days? Buffy notes that Joyce's newfound free time allows her to "meet new people. And smooch them in my kitchen." No offense, Buffy, but I don't think the kitchen is exactly your stomping grounds. These days I don't think your refrigerator could pick you out of a lineup. Joyce good-naturedly says that Buffy wasn't supposed to see the smoochfest. Willow and Ted are discussing some Whatever Technology (tm Gustave). Ted offers her some free software upgrades, and she cutely squeals with delight. Hard to believe that the sixteen-year-old programming whiz turned into a person whose computer lexicon begins and ends with "Google." Xander is munching away on a mini-pizza that looks like it's on an English muffin, while Ted shares some recipe tips. The point here is that Willow and Xander are on Ted like Corey Feldman is on a camera, only Ted doesn't seem grossed out by the experience.

Buffy and Joyce have returned, and Ted offers Buffy a pizza, which she predictably turns down. He apologizes for the circumstances of their meeting, and I accept for her, because if I didn't need a mental image of Buffy playing nursemaid to Angel, I certainly don't need one of Ted's gut slapping against Joyce as they get their mack on. There I go again. Damn you, Uncle Bob! Gesturing to a picture of Joyce and Buffy on the refrigerator, he says that Buffy's the most important thing in Joyce's life, and that makes her very important to him too. Joyce says she wants Buffy to be okay with them. Ted: "Beg to differ. We really want you to be okay with this." You had me until "beg to differ" -- I hate that phrase. If I see it on the boards, there's gonna be trouble. Oh yeah. I'm bad. Buffy says she's okay, accompanying that declaration with a fake smile that would put Patty Chase to shame.

By Couch Baron

Park. A vamp goes flying into a picnic table. Buffy picks up a garbage can lid and proceeds to beat the vamp into a bloody pulp in front of an increasingly disconcerted Giles. Giles tries to convey that perhaps staking the vamp would be preferable to making him look like Jared Leto in the later stages of Fight Club, to no avail. Eventually, Buffy remembers the "Slayer" part of her title, and dispatches the hapless vamp. She asks if there are any others, but Giles says he hopes not, for their sakes, and asks her if everything's okay. She opines that vampires are creeps, and Giles indulgently agrees. Buffy: "I mean, people are perfectly happy getting along and then vampires come and they run around and they kill people and they take over your whole house and they start making these stupid little mini-pizzas and everyone's like 'I like the mini-pizza' but I'm telling you..." Hee. I can appreciate the value of a good run-on sentence. Although really, she could be talking about the Slayers-in-training, except for the mini-pizza part. Giles interrupts: "I believe the subtext here is rapidly becoming, uh, text?" Ha! That's one of my favorite lines. Buffy asks if he thinks there will be any more vampires, and that she can wait. Giles wonders to himself if the Watcher's Council stocks Prozac.

School. Xander is on about the mini-pizzas again. I suppose I slightly prefer to watch Xander thinking with his stomach over Xander thinking with his dick ["me too" -- Sars], but neither really makes for riveting television in my book. Willow asks if Buffy doesn't like Ted, but Buffy counters that she doesn't know him, and thinks there's something a little too clean about him. Xander cracks on her for having parental issues. Buffy admits that there might be some truth to that. "Seeing my mother frenching a guy is definitely a ticket to Therapyland but it's more than that." She opines that there's something wrong with Ted, which is his cue to appear in the background behind her. Xander not-too-subtly alerts her to that fact. Buffy rudely asks what he's doing there. He says he's updating some software in the guidance office, which is just another proof that Sunnydale High isn't like any public school I've ever seen. The ones I know were lucky if they could get their hands on an Amiga, and the word "upgrade" would be met with the phrase "not in the budget." Speaking of which, Ted hands Willow the upgrades he promised her. She thanks him profusely, and Buffy's unnoticed look of death is priceless. Ted asks Buffy if she likes miniature golf, and Xander responds, "Who doesn't?" I'd make some haughty comment here, except that I really like miniature golf. And bowling. Does that make me gay white trash? thing you know, I'll be finding out I'm Kirk Cameron's long-lost cousin. Ted invites them to play miniature golf with him and Joyce that Saturday. Buffy lamely tries to claim prior plans, and Willow lamely backs her up, but Xander overrules them, having been promised a picnic basket with mini-pizzas and cookies. Apropos of nothing, John Ritter has a mullet in this episode. It's a fairly well-coiffed mullet, but a mullet nonetheless. Well, I may have outed the white-trash side of myself, but I can take solace in the fact that I certainly have never had anyone be able to point to my hair and say, "Business in the front, party in the back!" Cousin Kirk, are your ears burning?

Elsewhere, Giles gingerly enters a classroom, and we see Miss Calendar inside. He greets her, and gets a neutral reply. He tells her he has a delivery for her, and she says she'll send some students to pick it up. He starts to leave, but she calls him on the flimsy pretext for coming to see her. He nervously smiles. "You should have heard the ones I threw out." Aw. He asks how she is. She says she's good, and smiles that she's stayed out of mortal danger for three weeks. "I could get used to it." Foreshadowing can be a very cruel dude. He does always bring beer, but it's usually PBR, and I'm not white trash enough for that. Miss Calendar shifts the mood, saying that she's still having trouble sleeping. He notes that she needs time, but she replies, "Or possibly space." That's gotta hurt. She explains that she knows he's concerned, but having him poking around making "puppy-dog eyes" at her isn't helping. "You make me feel bad that I don't feel better." Jeez, woman, why don't you rip out his heart and dance a waltz on it? Giles looks down and apologizes, saying he didn't mean to make "dog eyes." Aw. I'm making them right now. He leaves, and Miss Calendar sighs, probably in anticipation of fielding all the angry phone calls regarding her treatment of Giles.

Chez Angel. Buffy's rewrapping the gauze around Angel's hand wound. I'd guess he's learned to switch-hit during his recovery, if you know what I mean. Uncle Bob! Buffy yammers on about how into Ted her mother is. Angel fruitlessly looks around for something with which to puncture his eardrums. Buffy continues that she told her mom that she doesn't want to talk about Ted all the time. Angel: "So you gonna talk about something else at some point?" Zing! Chastened, Buffy apologizes, but says she doesn't need a new guy in her life. The sun picks this moment to retire, as the world has found someone new to revolve around. Angel points out that Joyce may actually need a new guy. Buffy whinily asks if it has to be Ted, but Angel in return asks if there's anyone that would satisfy her. Buffy: "My dad?" Uh, sweetie, Joss runs this show. You've got about as much chance of seeing your dad again as the Kelly and Justin movie has of winning the Oscar for Best Picture. Buffy says that she'll play nice with Ted. "Do I have to like him?" Angel: "Kiss me." I think he's just saying that to shut her up, but it works, so no problem here.

White Trash Central. Xander takes his turn as Joyce compliments Ted on the picnic. Ted tells Buffy that he bets boys are lined up around the block to get a date with her. Buffy, wearing a hideous leopard-print tank top, modestly demurs, but Willow says that they are, but she's only interested in -- Buffy nudges her -- "her studies! Bookcracker Buffy, it's kind of her nickname." Baste that story with a stick of butter and I still wouldn't be able to swallow it. Ted says he's glad to hear it, and that her grades will probably be picking up soon. Buffy goes over to her mom and asks how Ted knew about her grades. Joyce says she told him, and that it's a good thing he's interested in her life. Maybe, but I think bringing up her grades in front of her friends was way inappropriate. I liked Joyce, but she seriously didn't have a parenting clue sometimes.

At another hole, it's Buffy's turn, and she Slayer-spazzes a wild shot. Ted calls her "little lady," and I need no more proof now that he's evil. Joyce says they won't count the shot, but Ted blathers that the rules are the rules, and what lessons they teach her are what she'll take into the world, whether it's at school or "an unchaperoned party." I only transcribe that because I think we're meant to realize later that Ted at this point had already been reading Buffy's diary, and that he's referring to the party in "Reptile Boy." Ted goes on that he doesn't want to overstep his bounds, but "right is right." I believe Glark recently referred to such leadoff disclaimers that are immediately contradicted as something like "the mating call of the disingenuous." He's got recapper in him, that Glark.

Anyway, Joyce shockingly comes around to Ted's viewpoint, and Buffy says she'll play her ball as it lies. She walks around some castle-like structure, picks up her ball, and with a furtive glance around the castle, drops it in the cup and exclaims she got a hole-in-two. Ted's voice cuts in: "Beg to differ." Startled, Buffy turns to see that he's come around the other side of the castle. She tells him to dock her score, but he starts to go a little looney, repeatedly hitting his club against his leg, hard. She says it's just a game, but he disagrees. "It is not a game, it does count, and I don't stand for that kind of malarkey in my house!" Looks like someone's a few mini-pizzas short of a picnic. Buffy notes that she's not actually in his house. Ted, in close-up: "Do you want me to slap that smart-ass mouth of yours?" Buffy looks nicely wigged despite the fact that, from her point of view, she could kick his ass back to the mini-golf clubhouse. Sensing the others behind him, Ted brightens and asks who wants dessert, as he made chocolate chip cookies. Everyone digs in as Buffy looks on in horror. Ted sunnily holds up a cookie for her. Cree-pee.

Summers kitchen. Joyce is sashaying about when Buffy walks in. Joyce offers her a sticky bun, but when she adds that Ted made it, Buffy puts it down, saying she'd like to eat something that Ted didn't make. Joyce doesn't like that attitude, and tells Buffy, "I do not expect you to love him right away like I do but I do expect you to treat him decently." Buffy picks up on the L-word, and Joyce is flustered, but says that men aren't lining up for single parents much these days, making Buffy feel even worse, like, nice job, Joyce. She tries to salvage the situation by reiterating her earlier claim that Ted cares about Buffy, prompting Buffy to relay Ted's threat from the mini-golf course. Joyce breezily says that Ted said no such thing, and of course he didn't in front of you, you twit. Does this woman watch no Lifetime programming? She goes on that Ted told her about Buffy's cheating, and that it was decent of him not to say anything about it in front of the others. Basically, Joyce doesn't listen to a thing Buffy says, and shoos her out, telling her to be home by six, because Ted is cooking them dinner. Buffy, call a lawyer and find out the emancipation age in California. Kids do it on TV all the time. After she leaves, Joyce keeps stuffing her face. Well, that'll have the men beating down your door. At least stop to breathe, you silly person.

School. Buffy asks Willow to investigate Ted. Willow and Xander, chomping on cookies, think she's overreacting. Cordy happens by, and Xander compliments her outfit. She gets snitty and stomps off, and Xander follows. Buffy and Willow watch them go, and it couldn't be more obvious what's going on if it were skywritten. Inspector Clouseau's already figured it out, and he's hampered by death as well as stupidity. Cordy chews Xander out, saying his friends are going to figure out what's going on. Well, they might if you keep acting like a screeching harpy every time he looks at you sideways. Then again, they do know you, so they might not. Xander: "'Know' what?" The meaning of life? How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?" That you macked, you impossibly thick buffoon! Xander catches up, asking if it's that they kissed, and Cordy makes an "uch" noise. Hee. Xander assures her that no one will know. "You wanna go to the utility closet and make out?" Cordy: "God, is that all you ever think about?" Beat. "Okay." Hee. Meanwhile, Buffy tells Willow that Ted acts like she's in the way, and that Joyce has been "Stepford" since he's been around, which is quite clever on the part of the writers, I must say. Willow says she'll help, and Buffy asks her to find out where he works.

Some office. Buffy sees Ted on the phone making a sale. He smarms that the software in question is very expensive, but it's worth it. He apparently makes the sale, although he doesn't get such possibly useful information as payment details or a shipping address, and then gets up as Buffy hides. Ted goes over to a magic marker board and adds a tic to his name, which has by far the most tics. He announces to no one that he's going to lunch. No one breathes a sigh of relief that he's rid of that smarmy salesman for an hour. After he's gone, some heavy middle-aged salesman gets some coffee and starts pleasantly chatting with Buffy. Buffy lies that she's temping for the day. Gesturing to the board, she says Ted must be the one to beat around there. Heavy Middle-Aged Salesman says that no one beats the "machine." Funny how clever and subtle so often starts to give way to ham-fisted and obvious. It's a microcosm of the development of this show. Buffy faux-innocently speculates that Ted must have people to support, but the dude tells her he just has a girlfriend, nodding to a picture frame on Ted's desk, which is the only personal item on it. Salesman: "Thank God he's taking off for the wedding." Whoa! Where's the shotgun? He goes on that it's in two months, before warning Buffy that the "uberboss" is coming. He leaves, and Buffy sidles over to Ted's desk and picks up the picture, which is of Joyce. Realization hits, and she takes the picture out of the frame. She unfolds it to discover that it's the picture from the refrigerator, with her image folded behind Joyce's. Again, cree-pee.

Chez Summers. Ted is saying grace. He asks that the people in the house be helped to be more productive, more considerate, and -- he opens his eyes and looks at Buffy -- "more honest." Buffy stares at him with her arms folded and a "bring it on, fat boy" look on her face. Ted asks her if she learned anything at school. Icily, she replies, "Quite a bit." Joyce tastes the food and has another orgasm. Yes, it's tough to watch. I was wondering how Ted handled eating, but now I realize that, like Buffy, he hasn't sampled his food at all. Buffy continues to stare, and Joyce finally notices. After a long pause, Buffy asks if they're engaged. Joyce says no, but Ted butts in that if everything goes well, he might ask her to tie the knot soon. He asks Buffy how that would make her feel, and encourages her to be honest. Buffy, fairly evenly: "I'd feel like killing myself." Joyce is shocked, like, where have you been this whole episode, lady? Oh, that's right; you've been on the train to Middle-Aged Schtupville. Ted points out that he told her to be honest, but tells Buffy that she should try to get used to him, because he's here to stay. Buffy asks if she can be excused, and Joyce tells her to go to her room, which she does. Joyce apologizes, but Ted smarms that a good salesman doesn't give up. Hey, Ted, have you read any Arthur Miller?

Park. Buffy, holding a stake, sits on a swing and singsongs, "Here, vampires!" No one answers the call, and she gets up and leaves. From inside Buffy's darkened room, we see her climb in the window, but the camera pans back to reveal Ted sitting in a chair. Buffy asks what he's doing in there, and he chides her for "gallivanting" about town. She steps forward to argue, but notices that he's gone through her things and is holding her diary. She snipes at him for trespassing, but he counters that it's no different from her snooping around his office. Opening the diary, he asks what a vampire slayer is. She says it's none of his business. Ted, evilly: "Beg to differ, little lady. Everything you do is nothing but my business from now on." She tells him to get out of there, but he asks if she'll slay him. "I'm real! I'm not some goblin you made up in your little diary." He goes on that the word for her writings is "delusional," and if she doesn't toe the line, he'll show the diary to Joyce and have her committed. The fact that Buffy doesn't even flinch at this threat shows how much of a retcon the premise of "Normal Again" was. Ted opens the door to leave, but Buffy grabs him and says he's not leaving with the diary. He tells her to unhand him. When she refuses, he smacks her in the face. She smiles and says she was hoping he'd do that, and socks him in the jaw. He knocks her down, but she gets up and starts kicking his ass eight ways from Sunday as Joyce appears on the scene and tells her to stop it. Buffy doesn't desist, however, and kicks Ted toward the stairs. He loses his balance and goes rolling down. Joyce runs down and checks on him. She drops his wrist in shock and looks up at Buffy. "You killed him." Buffy's eyes go wide. Lizzie Borden looks up from hell and sneers, "That was nothing. Slice Mom up and we'll have a drink."

A coroner zips Ted into a body bag. I wish a cable show about coroners and the wacky lives they lead existed from which I could lift some material, because frankly, I'm feeling hard pressed to come up with jokes in this part of the recap. Six Feet Under is just too much of a leap, I'm afraid. Buffy sits on her front stoop in shock. A man introduces himself to Joyce as "Detective Stein," and asks her what happened. Joyce tells him Ted fell down the stairs, but when he asks for more details, Buffy confesses that she hit him.

At the police station, Joyce waits as Detective Stein interviews Buffy in his office. How about a wacky show about Sunnydale's police department and all the unexplained phenomena they come across every day? No? Man, I'm sinking like a stone here. Buffy tells the detective that Ted was in her room, and they got into an argument. Upon further questioning, she discloses Ted's threat from the golf course, then tells him about Ted actually hitting her in her bedroom. The detective gives her an appraising look and notes that it doesn't appear he hit her very hard, which may be true from his point of view, but doesn't seem at all relevant unless he means to question the truth of her story. Buffy tells him she doesn't bruise easily, and confesses she's been hit before. She starts to panic, but Stein tells her, "I believe you. Things got out of hand. He's a big guy." Interesting -- it seems like he does believe her, but it also seems like his unstated question is, "So how did a pretty little thing like you beat up a guy three times your size?" Outside, Stein fairly amiably tells Joyce that they're going to look into it further, but they're not charging Buffy with anything now. Joyce is momentarily relieved. Establishing shot of Joyce's SUV on The Longest Ride Home In The History Of The World. I mean, the ride home from a party you weren't supposed to go to or from the principal's office can seem pretty long. But the ride home from the police station after you've killed your mom's boyfriend makes a trek across the Yukon seem like a dash to the Quickie Mart, don't you think? Buffy tries to make eye contact with Joyce, but that ain't happening.

School. Buffy enters, and in a nice touch from wardrobe, is wearing overalls, which is the only piece of clothing that can compete with sweat pants in conveying that today, you really just don't give a flying fuck. Her arrival prompts a bunch of whispering and obvious looks from students and faculty alike. How professional, SHS staff. Xander and Willow catch Buffy in the lounge, and ask why she's there. Buffy says Joyce wouldn't even look at her, and she had to get out of the house. Willow asks what happened, and Buffy succinctly says that she lost her temper and let Ted have it. Xander asks what he was, and it's touching that he has so much faith in her. Buffy, with a single look down, conveys that Ted was, in fact, human. Willow jumps in that Ted must have started it, but Buffy says that defense won't work, because as the Slayer, she had no right to hit him. I'd like to interject that I think this is the best example of any character on the show taking responsibility for his or her actions, and I don't believe the revelation later in the episode should detract from the way Buffy conducts herself here. If only everyone behaved the same way, later versions of Buffy included. Xander generously tells her that he knows her, and that she would never intentionally hurt anyone, unless..."They were dating my mother?" Buffy finishes. She leaves, and Willow and Xander regard each other worriedly. Buffy rounds a corner and comes into view of the library. Giles comes out and rushes over to her, telling her to ask if there's anything she needs. She sees a couple of unfamiliar people around the library doors, and Giles haltingly explains that they're just asking a few questions. Buffy peers in and sees Detective Stein, and takes off, extremely upset. Giles looks chagrined.

Library. Xander blusters to Cordy and Willow that he knows Ted was up to something. Cordy bites out that she thought he liked Ted, but Xander says he sometimes likes things that aren't good for him. What's the step in the subtext-text progression? Supertext? Because we're there. Xander blathers some more about how Ted must have been dirty, but Willow, on the computer, notes that they have to prove that. Giles comes out of the cage with weapons and a Le Coq Sportif bag, which isn't a product placement I would have anticipated. Tennis accessories for the sporty undead hunter! And they're French, too! Ooh la la! Xander finds some of Ted's cookies in his bag as Cordy asks if Buffy shouldn't have certain dispensations as the Slayer. Willow snarks that maybe in a fascist society, she should. Cordy: "Right! Why can't we have one of those?" One of the few Cordy lines that falls flatter than Marti Noxon's ego after a trip through our forums. Giles cuts in that whatever punishment may be in store for Buffy, it won't be worse than what she's doing to herself, and the guilt will be difficult for her to bear. Cordy: "I guess you should know, since you helped raise that demon that killed that guy that time?" Giles: "Yes, do let's bring that up as often as possible." Hee. That's better, Cordy. Xander asks if Giles is taking over for Buffy that night. This is one of those questions that is to the episode as cornflakes are to meatloaf. If that analogy is too white-trash to follow, and I don't blame you if it is, here's a tip: it's filler. Giles cornflakes that Buffy isn't herself, like duh, and that he'll be patrolling, like the eighteen axes in your bag didn't tip us off. I'm not a vegetarian, here! How about some real sustenance? Giles leaves, and Willow frustratedly cornflakes that Ted has no criminal record, like, is that unusual? I never thought of myself as particularly strait-laced, but maybe I should hold up a convenience store or something. I don't want to be uncool. Xander mellows that everything is going to be fine, and I hate to tell him, but he missed the casting call for Dazed & Confused by a few years. The girls notice his change in mood, and Willow grabs the cookie out of his hand.

Chez Summers. In the kitchen, Joyce is packing up some dishes when Buffy tentatively enters. Buffy asks if she can help, but Joyce ruefully says she's finished. A closeup reveals Buffy has been crying for a good long while, and that never failed to grab me back in the early years of this show. Joyce tries to get rid of Buffy by asking if she has homework. Buffy manages that she didn't mean to hurt Ted, and I hate to interrupt a sensitive moment like this, but did Joyce even bat an eye at Buffy's martial-arts skills? Joyce says she's not ready to talk about it, and Buffy tearily leaves. Joyce heads down to the basement.

Science lab. Willow, looking at the cookie under a microscope, announces that it contains some sort of tranquilizer that keeps the eater mellow and compliant. Dude, most cookies do that without any sort of drugs. Feed me a bag of Nantuckets and I'll do just about anything. Uh-oh. I may have to change my address before this recap goes live. Xander realizes that this is evidence against Ted, but he claims that it clears Buffy, which sounds like a dubious assertion to me, but then, I don't even have a criminal record, so what do I know? Cordy strides in to say that Willow's search hit pay dirt, and she has Ted's personal records, marriage certificates, and address. The three Scoobs move out.

Giles patrols. Someone approaches him from behind, and he whirls and brandishes a cross. It's Miss Calendar. "I get that reaction from men all the time." I'm interrupted by an instant message from Sars that reads, "Be thankful he didn't use the axe!" ["If by 'be thankful he didn't,' you mean 'I wish he'd thought to.'" -- Sars] Giles asks what Miss Calendar's doing there, and she explains that she saw his car and wanted to apologize. She goes on that she was very harsh the other day, and that she knows how badly he must feel about endangering her life. Looking past her, he replies, "Imagine how I must feel now." She turns to see a vamp behind her. Hey, the cross wasn't just a cheap joke, was it? WAS IT?

Buffy, in her room, hears a noise. She calls for Joyce, but gets no answer. Annoyed, she goes to the window, but discovers it's nailed shut. She mutters, "Well, it's official. This day can't get any worse." Suddenly, Ted appears behind her and menaces, "Beg to differ." Buffy gapes. Someone's been up to some malarkey, little lady!

After the break, Buffy manages that Ted died. He confirms that she killed him. "Do we have something to say about that?" Hee. She asks what he is, and he pogo-sticks over the top with his delivery of, "I'm a salesman!" He tosses her across the room.

In the park, the vamp charges. Miss Calendar gets out of the way, and the vamp tackles Giles instead. Giles calls for his bag as he holds the vamp off with the cross, then kicks him and gets up. The two grapple as Miss Calendar gets out the crossbow and trains it on them.

Buffy lands some kicks and punches, but they have little effect, and Ted grabs her by the throat. He explains that he had to shut down for a while to get her off his back. "You should have seen the intern's face when I got up off the table; it was a hoot. Fun's over, though." He reaches his other hand toward Buffy's neck.

Giles and the vamp continue to wrestle, the vamp with his back to us. Miss Calendar, with an expression on her face that looks like she thinks she's landed a part in The Quick And The Dead, sasses the vamp, then shoots. Right before she does, though, the vamp swings around, and the bolt hits Giles instead. Miss Calendar is horrified, but does have the presence of mind to try to reload the crossbow. The vamp, not having learned from Miss Calendar's example that taunting your prey doesn't lead to a happy ending, sarcastically compliments her aim. Giles pulls the bolt out of his back and dusts him. Nobody likes a wise-ass. That's why staff meetings at TWoP Towers can be such acrimonious affairs. If it weren't for liquor, we'd never agree on anything. Of course, the day's not going to be the most productive when thirty people finish six bottles of vodka by eleven in the morning, but it does lead to some entertaining recaps. Besides, how else are we supposed to get through shows like Are You Hot? and Fraternity Life?

Ted continues throttling Buffy, who looks around desperately. She reaches out and grabs what looks like a small metal nail file, and plunges it into Ted's arm. He tells her that wasn't playing fair, and we see that there are wires and circuitry under his skin. He twitches and throws in a non-sequitur. Maybe this damaged circuit is responsible for "That'll put marzipan in your pie plate, bingo!" Which could be my favorite line on any TV show, ever.

Ted steps toward Buffy, but hears Joyce come up from the basement. He boots Buffy in the face, knocking her out. He opens the door and rolls his sleeve down over his damaged arm, saying that he and Joyce are going to be very happy. Gross.

Xander breaks a windowpane in Ted's apartment and opens the door. The place looks more like an office. Cordy goes to check the back as Willow looks through Ted's records. She says there are four marriage certificates but no corresponding divorce documents, and is then startled to discover that Ted's first marriage was in 1957. Cordy comes back and says it doesn't look like anyone's even worked there, much less lived there. She also points out that a rug on the floor doesn't go with the rest of the décor. Have to back her up, since the rug is a nice Oriental number and the rest of the place looks like it was furnished in Early Communist Bulgaria. Xander picks up the rug to reveal a trapdoor.

Joyce is packing up some more stuff when she hears someone in the doorway. Assuming it's Buffy, she starts to say something conciliatory, but gets the shock of her life when she sees that it's Ted. He tells her he's okay, and that they told him he must have been dead for a few minutes. That story doesn't really hold up, but from Joyce's point of view, it's more believable than any alternative, I suppose. Plus, she's dumb. They embrace. Joyce remembers about Buffy, and tells Ted that Buffy didn't mean to hurt him. He tells her she doesn't have to worry about anything, as "Daddy's here." Ew.

Xander kicks down the folding ladder to Ted's domicile. The kids come down and turn on the lights. A turntable starts playing, and we see there's an old TV, fake wood paneling, and décor that's -- well, why come up with my own description when I have Cordy? "Feels like home! If it's the fifties and you're a psycho." Hee. Willow opens the curtains to reveal a sliding door that opens onto a brick wall. This totally reminds me of that eighties storyline on One Life To Live where that psycho Tracy James built that doctor guy she was obsessed with a replica of his house in her basement and kept him prisoner with her Doberman. That ruled. What? It's somewhat apropos here, anyway. And don't tell me watching soap operas labels me white trash. It may label me gay, but that wasn't really a question, was it? ["Wait...you're gay? Now?" -- Sars] Xander opens a closet and stares for a long moment before telling them it's time to go. They ask what was inside. "His first four wives." Oh, Lord. Actual skeletons in the closet? Up, up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Supertext! Able to crush metaphors and leap tall subtleties in a single bound! Sheesh.

Ted tells Joyce, "I couldn't go into that light. I had to come back for you." Lucky Joyce isn't too quick on the uptake, or she might be worried that he came back for her just to take her with him to the other side. Joyce says she thinks she should talk to Buffy first, but Ted snaps that she should worry about him instead, as he's the one who died. It's pretty creepy to consider whether Ted is going psycho here because of the damage Buffy inflicted on him, or if he'd be losing it right about now anyway. I also wonder how Joyce would be taking all this if she were still under the influence of Ted's food. Anyway, Joyce, flustered, apologizes and says she doesn't know what to do. Ted says he'll tell her what to do, and they can go away where no one will bother them again. He has a spastic little non-sequitur interjection during that last sentence. Joyce nervously suggests that Ted might want to rest, but he tells her he doesn't take orders from women. "I'm not wired that way!" Joyce looks at him like, "If only I'd picked self-defense for my college PE requirement instead of field hockey! Those bitches didn't even end up giving me a bid to that stupid sorority!"

By Couch Baron

Buffy and Joyce sit on the porch. Buffy suggests they rent a movie, and upon hearing her mother's insistence that it have no horror or men, says that it's Thelma & Louise again. If they want no men, they can feel free to send naked cowboy Brad Pitt my way. I'm just sayin'. Joyce says she's worried that Ted's going to jump out at her, but Buffy assures her that won't happen. "He's on the scrap heap" -- look from Joyce -- "of life." Heh.

School. Xander cornflakes stuff we basically already knew or should have figured out. Forty-four minutes can be a bitch to fill sometimes. And since there was a fair amount of filler in this episode, I think they could have fit in a short scene between Giles and Buffy regarding her behavior and the possibility of her killing an actual human in the future. Willow says it's sad, because the real Ted was a genius, as his design features were way ahead of his time. Buffy asks if Willow kept any parts, and she admits that she did. Buffy says she plans to forget the whole thing ever happened. They reach the doors to the library, and looking in, Buffy says she gives up. Willow looks squicked too. Xander and Cordy look in and titter to each other, then run off. The camera shifts to reveal Giles and Miss Calendar macking inside. Hee. I said "titter." Yeah, I'm white trash, all right.