What's My Line? Part Two

We open with a wider shot of our Slayer Mexican standoff. Buffy, out of breath, tells Kendra to repeat her claim. Kendra asserts that she's the Slayer. Buffy tells her to pull the other one, that she's the real Slayer, but Kendra, becoming an early adopter of that nowadays-very-sound manifesto with the utilitarian title of "Ignore Everything Buffy Says," says there can be only one, and she's it. Buffy proposes "no kicko, no fighto" until they can go to Giles and figure out what's up, and Kendra agrees. Buffy asks if Kendra was dispatched to Sunnydale, and Kendra confirms that her Watcher sent her. Buffy snottily asks why, but Kendra duhs her: "To do my duty. I am here to kill vampires."

In a nice cut, we see sunlight pouring in through the window of Willy's supply room. The camera pans right to show Angel huddled in a corner, presumably with only minutes before he'll be in direct contact with the light. And remember, this was back in the days when sunlight actually killed vampires, rather than merely causing them slight daytime travel inconveniences. Creepy baroque music plays as the camera pans in on a shivering, panting Angel. Credits.

Library. Giles is in the process of interviewing Kendra. He learns that her Watcher is called "Sam Zabuto," and says that although they've never met, he knows that he's very well respected. Unless I say otherwise, assume that Buffy is snitty in every comment directed Kendra's way in this episode. Not that I'm not going to use some form of "snit" more than any other word in the rest of the recap, but I just thought I'd warn you, so you're not burdened with pesky things like pattern detection. Kendra introduces herself, and tells Giles she has no surname. Buffy: "Can you say 'stuck in the eighties'?" If only that were true. Shakira, are your ears burning? Kendra, for her part, continues to ignore Buffy as much as possible. I like her.

Willow enters, and Kendra immediately accosts her. Buffy: "Back off, Pink Ranger!" Thanks, Buffy. Two minutes in, and you've got me picturing Amy Jo Johnson's rodent-like face. Blech. Although there is an in-joke there, if I'm not mistaken, as Sophia Crawford was both Amy Jo's stunt double on Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers and SMG's on Buffy. Anyway. Buffy tells Kendra that Willow's her friend, and Kendra doesn't understand. Buffy, somewhat disingenuously missing Kendra's unspoken point, snots that she's out of ideas, and I'd like to throw "The Yoko Factor" in her face. Giles explains to Kendra that a few "civilians" know about Buffy's Slayer identity, and even socialize with her. Kendra's appalled, as the Slayer is supposed to work in secret, for security purposes. As I said above, I like Kendra, but frankly, I think keeping a Slayer's identity secret would be well-nigh impossible over time, especially in a small town like Sunnydale. I mean, all you need is for one demon or vamp to survive a fight with her and the whole community would hear about it, right? Giles stammers that with Buffy, some flexibility is required. Giles, you really should have been a diplomat. Willow asks what's going on, and they tell her. She says she thought two Slayers at the same time wasn't possible, and Giles agrees, saying that the new Slayer is only called after the one's death. Meaningful glances all around. Giles says that since Buffy was, for a moment, physically dead, it caused "the activation of the Slayer."

Okay, buckle up, kids. We're about to go on the Great American Scream Machine of Couch Baron rants. Deep breath. First of all, no one on the show has ever, to the best of my knowledge, explained what exactly it means when a Slayer is "called." I think, however, from what we've seen, it's reasonable to conclude that it refers to some sort of mystical transference whereby the new Slayer receives her strength and whatever other skills come with the package. Fine. Now, apparently, as Kendra and the current SiTs indicate, the Watcher's Council gets information, from whatever mystical or magical source, as to the identities of "potential" Slayers, and assigns these girls Watchers as soon as they're known. However, as Buffy's example indicates, the Council doesn't get wind of all the potentials. So here's where I channel Rico from Six Feet Under and say: What the fucking fuck? I mean, what sort of mystical information source would give the Council dozens of names of "potential" Slayers and not include a certain Buffy Summers, who actually became a Slayer, on the list? I'd be willing to accept grudgingly that the Council might find these girls based on their having some advanced fighting abilities, if no magical sources were available. However, since they clearly state in this episode that Kendra was found when she was too young even to remember her parents, can anyone explain by what means they could have done so other than magic? And if they're using magic to locate girls of such a young age, does anyone have a reasonable explanation (besides lazy writing) of how some girls slip through their fingers? I don't mean an elaborate fanwank -- that won't cut the mustard, although one may exist. But can anyone simply and logically reconcile all the pieces of the mythology we've seen? Yeah, that's what I thought. And I wasn't anywhere near as bothered by the sloppy and inconsistent storytelling in earlier seasons as I am in the current one. Why? Because the Slayer mythology is crucial to the plot of every single fucking recent episode. And please don't tell me that this is all neatly explained in the Watcher's Guide, or some Joss interview, or any other such nonsense, because I should be able to make some sort of sense of it by, you know, watching the show.

Continuity: Wow, you're really bent out of shape about this, huh?
Couch Baron: Well, what do you expect? You used to give a shit about this show.
Continuity: Now, I realize it may be hard to believe, but everything's going to be wrapped up in an explanation that makes sense. I swear on all that's good and holy.
Couch Baron: Well, that's a huge relief. Shake on it?
Continuity: Uh, what?
Couch Baron: A handshake, to seal the deal.
Continuity: Er, I really don't think that's necessary. How about I just give you a hearty thumbs-up?
Couch Baron: I knew it. Continuity is dead, and you're the First Evil.
Morphy!Continuity: Well, congratulations, you figured it out. I'm surprised you didn't shake your fist at the sky and yell, "You bastards! You killed Continuity!"
Couch Baron: Do you ever shut up?

Supply room. There's sunshine on Angel's shoulders, and it ain't makin' him happy. He hears a noise, and looks up. He appears very weak and possibly delusional, but that could just be his default setting. Anyway, Willy opens the cage, smiles in a possibly evil manner, and drags Angel out by his feet. There but for the grace of Willy goes a spin-off. In the main room, Willy opens a small panel in the floor, and drops Angel through it. Angel lands in the sewer, and moves about a little, not looking particularly conscious. Willy lowers himself down after him, and Spike creepily appears from the shadows with a couple of henchvamps in tow. Willy says that Angel will be as good as new in a day or so. I assume that once Angel was caged, Willy seized the moment and contacted Spike himself, because I can't imagine how he thought he could trap Angel without Kendra's serendipitous involvement. Spike starts to move toward Angel, whose shirt has somehow come unbuttoned, but Willy asks for his payment. Spike gives him several bills, but adds a warning, "Talk and I'll have your guts for garters." For good measure, he drops one of the bills in the sewer water. Heh. The henchvamps pick Angel up and cart him off. Willy asks Spike what he's going to do with Angel. Spike: "I'm thinking maybe dinner and a movie. I don't want to rush into anything. I've been hurt, you know." That's more than enough encouragement for the slashfic writers, I'll wager. Also, remember when Spike was a competent villain? I know it didn't last long and all, but I miss that.

Chez Summers. Cordy asks Norman if he has anything in raisin, as she's "both a winter and a summer." Well, you've certainly seen enough of both, dear. Norman, with less personality than Ali MacGraw's character on Dynasty, tells her it's "$9.99, tax included." I thought he wasn't selling anything? Give me the Avon lady any day. Cordy notes that he said that already, and something indescribable about her delivery of that line sends me into a giggling fit every time. She then inquires if he has anything in the "berry family." How about a nice shade of clueberry? And I know that's the second time I've said that a character in this episode needs a clue, but honestly, these folks really should be buying in bulk. Norman creepily asks if there are any other "ladies" in the house, and I'm forced to point out again that I don't see the logic of him going to the trouble to take up a vigil in the -door neighbor's house, with binoculars even, if he's not going to discern exactly who was in the house before he came over. Cordy says that they're not home. "You know, nothing personal, but maybe you should look into selling dictionaries orsome" The Music Of It's Gettin', It's Gettin', It's Gettin' Kinda Scary kicks up as Cordy sees a bug emerge from Norman's sleeve and crawl across his hand. Cordy looks horrified as Xander reappears. Xander asks what's going on, and Cordy says that Norman's a salesman, and that he's just leaving, like, nice try. Xander makes to lead him out. "Okay, Mary Kay, time to" -- we see a bug run across Norman's face and into his ear -- "time to run." Xander and Cordy run into another room, instead of out the door, as Norman's face turns into a mass of larvae, then blows apart and falls to the floor. I suppose his clothing and glasses were made of larvae too. Sigh. The kids rush into another room and find a reconstituted Norman in it, which is just plain silly. They go through the basement door and close it behind them. The larvae try to get in through the crack between the floor and the door. Cordy hands Xander some duct tape: "I don't do worms." Just wait until "Expecting." Although I think Demian and Jessica would agree that that's really an insult to worms, as Ken Marino played that particular annelid. Anyway, as Cordy brushes back the bug with a broom, Xander manages to get the duct tape over the opening. Save some for both your mouths, to spare me the impending horror of your scene.

Establishing shot of some church. Willy and Buffy enter. Willy: "Here you go. Don't ever say your friend Willy don't come through in a pinch." They turn a corner, and run straight into Cop Lady and a henchvamp. Willy: "Here you go. Don't ever say your friend Willy don't come through in a pinch." Eels watching the show get cold chills at how slippery Willy is. Buffy turns, but the Buggyman and another henchvamp are behind her. She looks wicked pissed.

Another church. Spike, in game face and holding a smoking golden incense burner on a chain, addresses "Elegor" and recites a ritual. We see that Angel, still shirtless, and Dru are tied together. You'd think Spike would have put a shirt on Angel after that little scene at the factory. Dru, who's wearing a formal (read: black) version of her nightie-like dress, repeats a few parts of the ritual in the most annoying way possible. Spike holds up the du Lac cross and pulls out its top part to reveal a knife. I'm sure it's being hawked on an infomercial right now. "Now how much would you pay? Don't answer yet! You also get this knife, perfect for draining your sire of his strength! Only $39.99!" Spike clasps one of Angel's hands to one of Dru's, and plunges the blade into the two. A bright light emanates from the knife and starts pouring into Dru's arm. Spike's very happy, but his face falls when Willy and the gang enter.

Willy demands the bounty for the Slayer, but Spike says he wanted her dead. Buffy's shocked to see the state of Angel. Spike sunnily says that it pains him as well, but since Angel will be dead in five minutes, he'll tough it out. "Don't feel too bad for Angel, though. He's got something you don't have." Buffy asks what that might be. Spike menaces, "Five minutes." Brr, it's cold in here! There must be some Old Spike in the atmosphere! Spike asks "Patrice," the Cop Lady, to do the honors, and she draws her gun. However, the door flies open, and Kendra comes back-handspringing into the pile, knocking them all down. When Spike gets to his feet, he wonders bemusedly, "Who the hell is this?" Kendra grabs him as Buffy tells him it's his lucky day. Kendra: "Two Slayers." POW! Buffy: "No waiting!" BAM! And, ha! Buffy rushes away as Kendra engages Spike. Buffy takes on Cop Lady, who has some metal spikes jut out from her sleeves, like, you'll need to lose a few pounds before you can get into the Batman suit, hon. A henchvamp gets to his feet on Buffy's right, but he's dusted by Giles's crossbow bolt from behind. Giles and Willow mix it up with the other henchvamp. Xander baits Norman, who pursues him. Three for three. Those fish are biting today. Xander goes through a door and closes it. On the other side, Cordy has dumped a puddle of liquid adhesive on the floor. Worms start to slide under the door, but these worms ain't checkin' out, if you know what I mean. Fighting. As the worms get stuck in the glue, Cordy and Xander stomp on them. Buffy knocks Cop Lady down as Spike gets in a particularly vicious combination, flooring Kendra. Buffy calls to her to switch opponents, and they do that thing where Buffy bends at the waist and Kendra rolls over her back. Even having taken two years of karate, I think that move's a little showy and inefficient, but still cool-looking. The same could be said about a lot of karate moves, if you want to know the truth. I should add, however, that the fighting in this scene is, for the most part, tight and realistic.

Kendra boots Cop Lady away. Spike says he'd rather be fighting Buffy anyway, and she reciprocates the sentiment. I hope she's not going to tell him in some later episode that she was just using him for martial-arts practice or something. Buffy kicks him to the ground. Cordy's spastically jumping up and down on the worms until Xander pulls her away, like, I know you're pretty thin, but I still think simply stepping on them will do the trick. It amuses me to consider, however, that she's taking out her revulsion at having macked with Xander on the worms. Buffy and Spike have a nasty exchange which ends with her throwing him across the room into a wall. He lands right near Willy, whom he grabs and asks where he thinks he's going. Buffy rushes to Angel and pulls the knife out. Willy makes some excuses, but Spike literally wants blood. However, Dru moans his name at that moment, and he lets Willy go. Spike rushes over, tosses Buffy aside, and clocks her in the face. Willy runs out as Willow scores her first vamp kill. Cop Lady gets Kendra on the defensive, and slashes her sleeve. Kendra gets mad: "That's me favorite shirt. That's me only shirt!" I'm annoyed that they're making out how Buffy taught Kendra such a valuable Slayer lesson, but I have to admit that was a very funny line. Anyway, Kendra arranges a date for Cop Lady with the floor. Spike grabs a torch off the wall and tosses it into some oily rags, which would of course be lying around in an abandoned church. The fire apparently cuts Kendra and the Scoobs off from his path, although I'm a little unclear on the juxtaposition of the people and objects in the room. Spike gathers Dru up in his arms, muttering that he hopes she got enough strength from Angel, and starts to flee. Buffy picks up Spike's incense burner, whips it around her head a couple of times, and lets it fly. It hits Spike squarely in the back of the head, knocking him and Dru into the organ, which collapses. Those things cause nothing but pain. Everyone looks on as Buffy and Angel share a tender gaze. Never mind that there's no way he would be conscious. He was barely conscious before he got the strength sucked out of him. Kendra rushes over to help Buffy carry Angel out, and I don't know what happened to that devastating wall of flame. Because without the wall, Kendra would certainly have been able to stop Spike from getting Dru out, no? Anyway, everyone bails.

Ah, the famous animal cracker scene. Oz gets a package out of the snack machine. Willow appears, and asks how his arm, which is in a sling, is. Oz: "Suddenly painless." Aw. Willow says she never thanked him, but Oz tells her he doesn't do thanks. He pulls out the monkey cookie and tells her that it's the only cookie animal that gets pants. Willow lights up. Oz: "You have the sweetest smile I've ever seen." Double aw. Oz goes on that the other animals must be jealous, and then does an impression of the monkey mocking them in a faux-French accent, leading to a "coup in the zoo." Willow asks if the monkey's French, and Oz tells her all monkeys are French. If the Typing Monkeys were here with me now, I think they'd take umbrage at that comment. And then I'd make fun of them in a faux-French accent. I've heard two stories about this scene; one, that Seth Green totally ad-libbed the whole thing about the monkeys, and two, that Alyson Hannigan had a dream wherein Seth said these things to her, so the writers worked them in. Whichever scenario is true, the scene is totally Oz. Elsewhere, Xander grabs Cordy in the hallway and says they need to talk. This bit is a total retread, so here's the short version: they fight, they get in each other's faces, overly dramatic music plays, they swap spit. Sound familiar?

Outside, Kendra thanks Buffy for the shirt she's wearing. She should give extra thanks that she's not wearing Buffy's current ensemble -- a brown leather jacket, lime green pants, and an absolutely hideous pink floral top with a royal blue stripe in the middle. Ouch. They go over the plan: Kendra is taking the passenger route home. They exchange some breeziness about the in-flight movie, and then Buffy sincerely thanks Kendra for helping her to save Angel. Now at her cab, Kendra smiles and says she's not telling her Watcher about that because it's too weird, but concedes that Angel is "pretty cute." Buffy jokes about not getting fired. Kendra seriously tells her that slaying isn't a job, but who she is. Buffy asks if she got that from the handbook, but Kendra says she got it from Buffy. Aw, if also "huh"? Buffy says she can't fight it, and that she's a freak, but Kendra tells her she's not the only freak. Unqualified "aw" this time. Buffy steps forward, but Kendra holds up a hand. "I don't hug." Ha! Buffy agrees that hugging is bad. They smile, and then Kendra gets in her cab and pulls away, leaving Buffy to look thoughtful. Then again, if I were her, I'd be thinking, "Did they have to take such a long closing shot of me looking like I just won the Color Blind Olympics?"

Church. The camera pans over some burnt wreckage to reveal an unconscious Spike, whose face and hair are covered in soot. Someone grabs his hand, and we see that it's Dru. She tells him not to worry, and pulls him up with one hand. "I'll see that you get strong again." She hoists him into her arms. "Like me." She starts to carry him out in front of the fakest-looking backdrop ever. And with sweeps coming up and Dru not in "Ted" or "Bad Eggs," it's time for the healing to begin for my poor, poor ears.