Eat Your Heart Out, Tonya Harding

S02E09

We're greeted by a large banner proclaiming, "Career Fair starts tomorrow." If this were The Simpsons, there would be some clever small print under it such as "'Coping With Unemployment' seminar today." Only, you know, clever. In the foreground, an enthusiastic-looking Willow signs up for something, then goes to join Buffy and Xander, who are filling out questionnaires at a table. Xander mulls over a question. "What if I'm a people person who keeps his own company by default?" I'd suggest checking the box marked "loser," but Buffy more tactfully counsels "none of the above," which does seem like a meta comment on Xander's role on the show. He bitches that this little test won't be able to gauge what they're going to do for the rest of their lives. It's not a binding contract or anything, dude. Quit whining before I start calling you "Dawn." In fact, since I don't get to harsh on Dawn often enough, I'm going to use her name as a verb in this recap. Willow's characteristically psyched to find out her career track, but Xander complains (Dawns) that it takes the fun out of being young and stupid. "I'd rather live in the dark." One Basement of Debasement, coming up! Willow points out that he won't always be young, but Xander "jokes" that he'll always be stupid, then waits for someone to contradict him. Sorry, Xander -- in the hurly-burly of life today, I have to hold on to what few certainties I have, okay? Cordy's voice cuts in as she verbalizes one of the test questions. As usual, she's got a new set of minions who, I'd expect their Career Week test results to indicate, are best cut out for mime. Xander typically says something to Cordy and gets bitch-slapped for his trouble. See, Xander? You're so stupid that classical conditioning doesn't even work on you. Buffy wonders aloud whether she like shrubs, but Xander tells her that's between her and her God. Heh. Buffy Dawns that the test is moot for her anyway because of the whole Slayer thing. Willow inquires why she's taking it, and I find it hard to believe that this little exercise isn't mandatory, but Buffy says that Principal Snyder is forcing her. Willow nicely asks if she's not a little curious what kind of career she's most fit for, but Buffy snits at her not to go there. Buffy, I sympathize with your whole Chosen One thing, but messing with Old Willow is a quick way to find your ass hermetically sealed by my foot. Also, just being the Slayer isn't exactly gainful employment, as Season Six was so "kind" as to show us. Don't you think you might need a real job someday? So, in conclusion, shut up. Xander suggests that her attitude would be appropriate for a career at the DMV, which gives me an opportunity to get back to The Simpsons, since it's been half a page already. The thought of Buffy chain-smoking and bitching beside Patty and Selma makes me laugh. Buffy apologizes, but reite-Dawns that her future is a non-issue.

By Couch Baron

In a nice cut, we see a hand turning over tarot cards. The hand belongs to Drusilla, who's seated at a long table. Across from her, Dalton (the bespectacled vamp) is attempting to read the book that Spike had stolen from Giles in "Lie To Me." He utters some words in Latin, which Spike, with the help of a dictionary, translates as "Debase the beef canoe." I guess the writers like Mad Libs. I just wish they hadn't started using them for the recent shooting scripts. Spike, apparently less of a fan, punches Dalton. "Why does that strike me as not right?" Hee. Dru asks Spike to dance, but he snaps at her, causing me to bat my eyes lovingly at the screen. She does that annoying mewling thing, and Spike apologizes, saying that he's frustrated at their inability to translate the manuscript, since it holds the key to her cure. If the book reads as gibberish, how did Spike know that it would be "very useful," as he said in "Lie To Me"? Dru puts her hand to her head and loons that she needs to change Miss Edith, but keels over in pain, apparently not immune to the effects of her own accent. Spike says he can't bear to see her like this, and that they're running out of time. So can a vamp just keel over and die? I mean, it seems like Darla and Dru endured about as vicious an attack possible in "Redefinition," and they both recovered without the aid of a ritual, as far as we know. Their sires certainly weren't available for one. Anyway. Spike Dawns that the Slayer keeps tripping them up, which seems a bit overwrought, since he's only been in two episodes before this one. Dru assures him that he'll prevail, and they kiss as music-box music plays, which I'm amused to note is Dru's theme music. Spike then goes over and menaces Dalton for a bit until Dru, back at the tarot cards, says they need the key, which makes me shiver involuntarily. And then condition my hair. Spike asks if the book is in code, and Dru confirms that. Spike sees that one of the upturned cards has a mausoleum on it. If you'd like one of these decks for yourself, you can order one from www.plotcontrivances.com. Upon learning that the key is in the mausoleum (and if only that were true about the other key) he says he'll dispatch some henchvamps to retrieve it. Dru playfully repeats her request for him to dance with her. He picks her up, swings her around, and says they'll dance on the Slayer's grave. Won't that be romantic. And by the way, long-assed teaser. Credits.

By Couch Baron

Buffy patrols a graveyard. She hears a metallic clinking, and sees that there's a light coming from a mausoleum. She quietly opens the door, and sees Dalton chiseling away at something. She closes the door and waits for him to come out, which he presently does. She snits at him a bit, but another vamp comes up behind her. They fight. She dusts him, but when she turns back to where Dalton was, he's gone.

Angel's waiting in Buffy's bedroom when she climbs up to the window and sees him. Pleased, she tosses her bag into the room. He turns around, and we see that he's clutching Mr. Gordo, Buffy's stuffed pig. He says she scared him, and with the pig and all, this is about as cute a moment as you're likely to get from Angel, so enjoy it while you can. Buffy: "Now you know what it feels like, Stealth Guy." Shout-out? She casually asks him if he's there for some quality time with Mr. Gordo. Hee. He softly says that nothing's up, but she thinks he's lying, and tells him that Joyce is away on a business trip, so they don't have to whisper. Angel asks the obvious question, namely why she came in through the window. Buffy's face falls through a long pause. "Habit." Heh. He tells her that he had a bad feeling and wanted to check on her. Buffy snits that it's bad news as usual with him. Hurt, he turns away. That was cute again! What is wrong with me? Buffy apologizes and says she's been cranky all day, like, thanks for the news flash. He asks what's wrong, and she says it's a thing at school. Angel: "Career Week?" Buffy asks how he knew that. Angel: "I lurk." Hee. Buffy Dawns that it's a week of "What's My Line?" only she doesn't get to play, and that she wants -- say it with me if you know the words -- a normal life. Angel thinks he's part of the problem, but she assures him that he's the only thing in her life that makes sense. If I were Willow or Xander, I'd be offended that she thinks dating a vampire makes more sense than being friends with them, but who really needs friends, right, Little Miss I-Am-The-Law? She goes on that she wishes they were normal kids. Angel Dawns that he'll never be a kid. Buffy: "Okay then, a regular kid and her cradle-robbing creature-of-the-night boyfriend." Angel laughs, and he really does look good when he smiles. Aack! Where's my snark? I'm going to have to try some classical conditioning myself and smack my face every time I say something schmoopy about these two.

Anyway, Angel picks up a photo of a little girl on an ice rink, and asks if that was part of her normal life. Buffy explains that she had a Dorothy Hamill obsession, which seems like it would have been about ten years out of date. However, I hate to point out niggling little errors like this when, in Season Seven, the writers don't even seem to remember what the words "vampire" or "Slayer" mean, not to mention slightly more sophisticated concepts like "continuity," "pathos," and "character development." Buffy goes on that she had all sorts of Dorothy merchandise, and that she even got the Dorothy haircut, "thereby securing a place for [her]self in the geek hall of fame." Angel asks when she last skated, and she says it's been quite some time. He tells her there's a rink in the area that's closed on Tuesdays. Buffy starts to smile, and says the day is Tuesday. Angel smiles in return. "I know." Aw. SMACK!

Outside at school, Cordy and Xander look at the results of the Career Week tests. Like those would be posted publicly. Cordy says she's cut out to be a motivational speaker or a personal shopper. Xander, still not realizing that snarking on Cordy is akin to playing tag with a cobra, snarks on Cordy. Cordy looks at his results, and walks away laughing. Buffy and Willow appear outside. Willow's marveling that Buffy and Angel are going skating alone. Xander joins them, and asks, "When you look at me, do you think 'prison guard'?" Prison bitch, maybe. Too bad Oz is in its last season. The things Schillinger would do to you, Xander. Buffy snickers at him, but Xander informs her that she can look forward to a career in law enforcement. I would have liked to see Snyder's reaction to that. Buffy's chagrined, but says she'll worry about that later, as she has to deal with Giles, who's on a "Tony Robbins hyper-efficiency kick." We see the man in question (Giles, not Tony Robbins) across the courtyard, carrying a very large stack of books. Buffy continues that Giles expects her to check in every day after homeroom, then walks off, Dawning, "Police?" Hee. Willow asks what seminar she's scheduled for, but Xander says her name wasn't on the list, which causes Willow to look concerned.

In the library, Giles sets down the stack of books, which start to tip away from him until a hand reaches into the frame and grabs them. The hand belongs to Buffy. Giles thanks her, then tells her he's been indexing the Watcher diaries, and says that it's amazing how "numbingly pompous and long-winded" some of them are. And Wesley doesn't even have an entry yet. Buffy fills Giles in on the night's patrol. He's less than pleased that she made no effort to discover what was taken from the mausoleum, and I can't say I blame him after the book-stealing in "Lie To Me." Also, Buffy's lackadaisical attitude doesn't jive with her behavior in that episode. Buffy gets snitty, and at this rate, no one's going to be speaking to her by the end of the episode. She Dawns that she never gets to go shopping, which is rich, considering that she has more outfits than Imelda Marcos had shoes. Giles tries to get the conversation back on track, saying that they need to discover what the vamps took.

Cut to a shot of a large ornate gold cross. Dru crazies that she can hear it humming. I hope the tune isn't "Early One Morning." Spike tells her that when she's well, they'll have a coronation. To crown her Queen Of The Bad Accents? Because Kendra hasn't shown up yet, so let's not be hasty. Dalton asks about the Slayer, saying she almost foiled their plans, prompting Spike to strap his bitch on and say that he needs to do something about Buffy. Then he has a thought, and says he needs to bring in an organization known as The Order Of Taraka. Dalton wusses that that's overkill, but Spike thinks it's "just enough kill." Dru turns over three more cards in the "See Whatever Image You Need To Advance The Plot" tarot deck, and nutjobs that they're coming to her party. The images on the cards, incidentally, are of a one-eyed devil, a worm, and a tiger. By the way, what do you suppose the bounty actually was? Because I don't really see Spike having much of value. Maybe he traded one of those collector's edition tarot decks.

School. Xander bumps into Willow and asks what she's doing at the Career Fair, since she didn't get assigned to a category. Willow says she's looking for Buffy. Xander tells her that she went somewhere with Giles. Willow starts to freak, because Snyder is looking for her, but the weasel himself appears on the scene. After Xander excruciatingly puts his foot in his mouth, Snyder asks where Buffy is. Willow gives her best lie, by which I mean she stammers that Buffy's around somewhere. Xander: "For what it's worth..." Snyder: "It's worth nothing, Harris. Whatever comes out of your mouth is a meaningless waste of breath. An airborne toxic event." Well, my snark may be on the fritz, but Snyder's certainly isn't. Xander, unintimidated, thanks Snyder for his honesty, and expresses the hope that someday he'll be able to be as honest with him. Snyder stalks off, and Xander leaves as well. A suit appears at Willow's side, calling her by name, and asks her to come with him and his silent partner. They usher her into the lounge, which has been sectioned off with a black curtain. Classical music plays softly, and a white-jacketed waiter appears. The suit suggests Willow try the canapé. Heh. Willow asks what's going on. The suit tells her she's been selected to meet with the head recruiter for "the world's leading software concern," which only serves to tell me that Microsoft didn't own the WB in 1997. Apparently the company jet was delayed by fog, but the suit invites Willow to relax and wait. Willow points out that she didn't even get her test results, but he tells her that the test was irrelevant, as they've been tracking her for some time. She asks if that's a good thing. Sweetie, being stalked is never a good thing. Unless you're Giles, in which case being stalked could lead to a long, happy relationship. Call me! Corporate Stalker says that their criteria are very specific, and only one other Sunnydale student met them. The suits leave. Willow turns around, to see Oz sitting on the couch examining a tray of food. Finally, a couple I can get schmoopy over without slapping myself! Willow sits down. Oz: "Canapé?" Hee.

Graveyard. Buffy strides through the cemetery as Giles huffs and puffs after her, begging her to slow down. She snits that they have work to do. He wheezes that she's behaving immaturely, but she points out that she's a teen, and has yet to mature. There's no winning an argument with a sixteen-year-old girl. Unless you're Sars's mom, from what I hear. ["Seriously. I'm still only batting around .150 lifetime." -- Sars] Giles tries to sell that he was only offering constructive criticism, but Buffy isn't buying, saying that he was harsh, and it's not like she picked this "gig." Blah blah blah sacred-duty-cakes. He tells her that she might be able to get a real job eventually, just as he did, but she points out that the jobs of Watcher and librarian are basically kissing cousins. He concedes the point, but then brightly asks if she's ever considered law enforcement. Buffy looks at him like he just outlawed leather. She then gestures that they're at the desired mausoleum, which they enter. Giles examines the violated area, saying that it's a reliquary, meaning it's used to house items of religious significance, "most commonly a finger or some other body part from a saint." Buffy: "Note to self: religion freaky." Sing it, sister. Giles sees the name "du Lac" engraved on a wall, and gets wigged. He explains that Josephus du Lac was a member of a religious sect that was excommunicated by the Vatican at the turn of the century, and that he wrote the book that the vamp stole in "Lie To Me." The book apparently contained rituals and spells of "unspeakable evil," but was written in archaic Latin, so only the sect members could understand it. Buffy's all, case closed, but Giles isn't convinced, saying that something's coming, "and whatever it is, it's not good." Meta commentary on Marti Noxon joining the writing staff?

Bus depot. A bus arrives from Los Angeles. The doors open, and we see feet walking down the steps. A particularly large set of feet hits the ground, accompanied by ominous music, and the camera pans up to show a large biker-type dude with long hair and one eye gouged out. Cut to Buffy's street. A geeky insurance-salesman type complete with glasses, trenchcoat, and briefcase pauses at Buffy's house, then goes on to the one and knocks on the door. A middle-aged, world-weary-looking woman answers. The man introduces himself as "Norman Pfister," and says that he's pleased to offer her the chance to try a few free cosmetics samples. She invites him in, and closes the door. A few seconds later, we hear a scream. I guess this cosmetics company didn't engage in animal testing.

By Couch Baron

Buffy skates some more, then comes in for a landing. For some reason, she chooses to slide in on her butt. She laughs, but loses her good humor when One-Eye's arm grabs her, lifts her over the wall, and starts choking her. Angel, in game face, rushes him. Buffy disappears as Angel and One-Eye slug it out. One-Eye grabs Angel by the throat, and I wonder what his deal is, because he looks human. Fugly, but human. However, Buffy interrupts my musings by skating up, grabbing some netting, and burying a skate in One-Eye's throat. He collapses, surprisingly refraining from croaking, "Why? Why?" We cut to his tarot card, which Dru turns over, saying that he's "passing." And bleeding. Spike's unconcerned, saying that they're close to decoding the manuscript, and that they just need a bit more time. Dru loons that time is on their side, as it brings the Slayer closer to "them," looking at the two remaining cards. I hope they have the sense not to attack her while she's wearing deadly weapons on her feet. Back at the rink, Angel finds a ring engraved with some symbol on the dead guy's finger, and asks Buffy if she knows what it means. Buffy: "I just killed a Super Bowl champ?" I thought I recognized him from the '86 Bears "Super Bowl Shuffle" video. Angel says he's serious, and that she should go home until he hears from her. Still in game face, he lispingly inquires if she's okay, but she's more concerned about the gash on his forehead. He says not to worry about it, and that they should get her someplace safe, but Buffy wants to attend to his eye. He flinches, and she thinks he's being a baby, but he clarifies that he just doesn't want her to touch him when he's in game face. Buffy takes off her glove and caresses his face. "I didn't even notice." Aww. SMACK! They mack. I hope she's not using tongue -- those fangs look sharp. Across the rink, Bianca appears, and observes the slobbery with distaste. Well, no need to slap her, at least.

Library. Giles examines the ring. Buffy tells him that the assassin was hardcore, and Angel was "power-freaked" by the ring. One ring to rule them all. One ring to find them. Whoa, sorry. ["You know, in order to crack on Xander for dorking out..." -- Sars] Giles says that Angel's reaction was appropriate, as the ring is only worn by members of The Order Of Taraka, an ancient society of assassins. Xander: the usual level of annoying statement. Giles snaps at him that it's not the time for jokes, especially lame ones. I may have added that bit at the end. Buffy wonders why they'd be after her, but Willow points out that she's the "scourge of the underworld," which lends credence to my earlier question about why no vamp or demon had thought of hiring the Order to take out a Slayer before. Giles says that he thinks the best plan is for Buffy to hide in a secure location until they come up with a plan. Buffy's chagrined that Giles thinks she can't fight the assassins, but he tells her that no matter how many of them she kills, they will keep coming until she's dead. Buffy looks like she's going to cry, and I'm again in awe of how much growing up she's had to do in the space of a few short episodes. Giles goes on that each assassin acts individually, and some are human, but some are not. He continues in voice-over as we see Norman Pfister watching the Summers home from the world-weary woman's house. A lot of larvae are on the floor. Giles continues that she won't know who they are until they strike. A bunch of larvae coalesce on Norman's stump of an arm and form into a hand, with the aid of the fakest-looking effects imaginable. Dr. Who had better production values. Norman uses the reformed hand to pick up a cup of tea, or coffee, or whatever it is giant larvae people drink.

At school, Buffy nervously walks down the hall. A bunch of creepy close-ups heighten everyone's anxiety. Eventually, Oz approaches her quickly from behind, and, whirling, she grabs him by the throat and shoves him against the wall, urging him to "try it." Being paranoid? Because I can't picture that. Oz hilariously looks around, and asks, "Try what?" Realizing her error, Buffy releases him and apologizes, but Oz says he's still not clear on the activity in which Buffy is recommending he partake. Buffy apologizes again, and leaves. Oz: "This is a tense person." Compared to you, babe, so is the entire planet.

After dark, Buffy reaches her house, but after a pause, walks onward.

Library. Willow wishes they could do more for Buffy, but Giles reiterates that all they can do is discover what was in the book. Willow glumly says that she's never seen Buffy like she was that afternoon, and exposits that she just took off. Well, it certainly won't be the last time she does that. Xander enters and announces that she didn't go home, because he called and she didn't answer, and "it's a statistical impossibility for a sixteen-year-old-girl to unplug her phone." Giles looks at Willow, and she cutely nods confirmation. Heh. Giles wonders if his words might have been "a little too alarming." Xander: "You think?" Seriously. First you tell her that she's prophesized to die; now you tell her that any person she meets might off her out of nowhere. At this point, Buffy would think that hanging out with Joan Baez is less of a downer than hanging out with you, Giles. Willow demurs, saying it's good that Buffy took his warning seriously, but that she only wishes she knew where Buffy is.

Buffy descends the steps to Angel's apartment. When her knock brings no answer, she breaks the lock and enters. Does Angel really need a file cabinet? It's not like it goes with the décor. Does he keep track of a lot of things? "Week of August 24th. Brooded for 92 hours. It's a personal record, but I know I can do better." Anyway, Buffy looks around a bit, then gets into the bed, looking lonely and vulnerable.

Willy's Bar -- for the first time, I believe. Yay! Willy's sweeping up when he sees a silhouette in the door. He says the bar is closed, but the figure steps inside, and we see that it's Angel. Willy warily greets him by name, and asks what he can do for him. Angel tells Willy he needs information, but Willy nervously says that he's staying away from that scene and "living right." Shockingly, Angel doesn't believe him, and asks who sent The Order Of Taraka after the Slayer. Willy tries to play dumb, but Angel, apparently unwilling to tolerate any competition in that category, grabs Willy and shoves his head down onto the bar. He menaces that he's rusty when it comes to killing humans, and "it could take a while." Somehow, I don't guess such rustiness brings the same result when applied to his sexual experiences. Willy gives up that it was indeed Spike who ordered the hit. Angel asks where he can find Spike, and Willy's just about to tell him when Angel gets clocked with something that looks like a broom or a shovel. He looks up from the floor to see Bianca standing over him. She snaps the wooden handle in half, and goes to stake him. Wow, do you think she'll succeed?

Angel rolls out of the stake's way, and gets to his feet. Bianca tries to stake him again. He blocks the swing, but she kicks him through a door into a storeroom. He vamps out, and they fight. He manages to disarm her, but he never quite recovers from the surprise of her attack. She quickly manages to kick him into a wall, and he falls to the floor. She waits expectantly. He asks who she is, and says he won't hurt her if she coughs up some information. She smirks. He doesn't get the joke (surprise, surprise) and asks what's so funny, but as she backs up a bit, we see that he's in a mesh steel storage area, the door to which she closes. She finally speaks: "I tink it is funny now." I can't even describe her accent. It sounds like it's supposed to be a hybrid of a Caribbean accent and something else, but I can't for the life of me tell you what. Bianca starts to ask about the "giahal" with whom she saw Angel earlier. Angel flexes his muscles a bit, but Bianca ominously looks toward the window, which she says has "eestairn exposure," and basically tells him she's going to kill his girlfriend and leave him to a Kirsten Dunst-like fate. I'm talking about Interview With The Vampire, although now that I think about it, picturing David Boreanaz as a cheerleader in Bring It On is more than a little entertaining. Anyway, Bianca snaps an extra padlock on the door and saunters out as Angel yells impotently.

Library. In his office, Giles telephones Xander and asks him to go to Buffy's house and check on her. I thought we clearly established that she wasn't there. In response to something Xander asks, Giles suggests that he get Cordy to drive him. He goes out to the main room, and we see Willow fast asleep on her keyboard. That'll be me recapping "Go Fish." It's now daytime, by the way. Giles gently prods her awake, and she exclaims, "Don't warn the tadpoles!" Apparently Giles never heard that one even in his rocker days, so Willow explains, "I have frog fear." Aw. Giles tells Willow that he found a description of the du Lac book, and although he's unsure of the details, he believes it contains a ritual to restore a weak or sick vampire back to full health. Again, I've never seen any indication that vamps don't heal on their own, but whatever. Willow realizes that Dru fits that description.

Spike reads the translation of the du Lac text, and tells Dru that the key to her cure was -- "right in front of us the whole time," she finishes. We focus in on the Plot Advancement tarot card with an angel on it.

Chez Summers. Cordy bitches at Xander for dragging her out of bed for a ride. "What am I, mass transportation?" Xander: "That's what a lot of the guys say, but it's just locker-room talk." Heh. As the snittery continues, Xander knocks on the door, and when nothing happens, he enters through a window and lets Cordy in. He goes to check upstairs. Soon after, there's a knock on the door. Cordy answers it, and it's Norman, offering his free samples again. Cordy likes the word "free," which doesn't seem in character, and lets him in. So Norman took up a vigil in the house door, only to come over when Buffy isn't there? Between Giles sending Xander and Cordy to the house and the assassin coming at the wrong time, this subplot is so contrived that it should be on one of those tarot cards.

At Willy's, sunlight is pouring into the cage just a few feet from Angel. He tries to get the door open, without any luck. Someone hasn't been getting enough iron. Thank you!

Buffy's sleeping lightly when we hear a faint noise. She opens her eyes, and gets a hilarious "oh, shit" expression on her face. She rolls over as Bianca swings an axe into the pillow. Buffy turns a cartwheel over Bianca's back, and snits, "You must be number two." Bianca swings the axe at Buffy again, but Buffy grabs the handle, and they wrestle for control of it. Bianca flips Buffy onto the floor. They continue grappling for the axe until Buffy tells Bianca not to make her do the chick fight thing. Bianca: "Cheek fight?" By way of answering, Buffy digs her nails into Bianca's wrist, which must really, really hurt. Buffy gets to her feet and kicks the axe away. Bianca flips Buffy to the floor again, but Buffy does a cool move where she shoulder-stands to kick Bianca in the face, then gets up and boots her again. Bianca gets back to her feet, and asks Buffy who she is. Buffy bites out that as the attackee, she should learn Bianca's identity first. Bianca: "I am Kendra. The Vampire Slayer." Buffy's face, along with mine back in 1997: "Guh?"

By Couch Baron

At Willy's, sunlight is pouring into the cage just a few feet from Angel. He tries to get the door open, without any luck. Someone hasn't been getting enough iron. Thank you!