What's My Line? Part One

We're greeted by a large banner proclaiming, "Career Fair starts tomorrow." If this were The Simpsons, there would be some clever small print under it such as "'Coping With Unemployment' seminar today." Only, you know, clever. In the foreground, an enthusiastic-looking Willow signs up for something, then goes to join Buffy and Xander, who are filling out questionnaires at a table. Xander mulls over a question. "What if I'm a people person who keeps his own company by default?" I'd suggest checking the box marked "loser," but Buffy more tactfully counsels "none of the above," which does seem like a meta comment on Xander's role on the show. He bitches that this little test won't be able to gauge what they're going to do for the rest of their lives. It's not a binding contract or anything, dude. Quit whining before I start calling you "Dawn." In fact, since I don't get to harsh on Dawn often enough, I'm going to use her name as a verb in this recap. Willow's characteristically psyched to find out her career track, but Xander complains (Dawns) that it takes the fun out of being young and stupid. "I'd rather live in the dark." One Basement of Debasement, coming up! Willow points out that he won't always be young, but Xander "jokes" that he'll always be stupid, then waits for someone to contradict him. Sorry, Xander -- in the hurly-burly of life today, I have to hold on to what few certainties I have, okay? Cordy's voice cuts in as she verbalizes one of the test questions. As usual, she's got a new set of minions who, I'd expect their Career Week test results to indicate, are best cut out for mime. Xander typically says something to Cordy and gets bitch-slapped for his trouble. See, Xander? You're so stupid that classical conditioning doesn't even work on you. Buffy wonders aloud whether she like shrubs, but Xander tells her that's between her and her God. Heh. Buffy Dawns that the test is moot for her anyway because of the whole Slayer thing. Willow inquires why she's taking it, and I find it hard to believe that this little exercise isn't mandatory, but Buffy says that Principal Snyder is forcing her. Willow nicely asks if she's not a little curious what kind of career she's most fit for, but Buffy snits at her not to go there. Buffy, I sympathize with your whole Chosen One thing, but messing with Old Willow is a quick way to find your ass hermetically sealed by my foot. Also, just being the Slayer isn't exactly gainful employment, as Season Six was so "kind" as to show us. Don't you think you might need a real job someday? So, in conclusion, shut up. Xander suggests that her attitude would be appropriate for a career at the DMV, which gives me an opportunity to get back to The Simpsons, since it's been half a page already. The thought of Buffy chain-smoking and bitching beside Patty and Selma makes me laugh. Buffy apologizes, but reite-Dawns that her future is a non-issue.

In a nice cut, we see a hand turning over tarot cards. The hand belongs to Drusilla, who's seated at a long table. Across from her, Dalton (the bespectacled vamp) is attempting to read the book that Spike had stolen from Giles in "Lie To Me." He utters some words in Latin, which Spike, with the help of a dictionary, translates as "Debase the beef canoe." I guess the writers like Mad Libs. I just wish they hadn't started using them for the recent shooting scripts. Spike, apparently less of a fan, punches Dalton. "Why does that strike me as not right?" Hee. Dru asks Spike to dance, but he snaps at her, causing me to bat my eyes lovingly at the screen. She does that annoying mewling thing, and Spike apologizes, saying that he's frustrated at their inability to translate the manuscript, since it holds the key to her cure. If the book reads as gibberish, how did Spike know that it would be "very useful," as he said in "Lie To Me"? Dru puts her hand to her head and loons that she needs to change Miss Edith, but keels over in pain, apparently not immune to the effects of her own accent. Spike says he can't bear to see her like this, and that they're running out of time. So can a vamp just keel over and die? I mean, it seems like Darla and Dru endured about as vicious an attack possible in "Redefinition," and they both recovered without the aid of a ritual, as far as we know. Their sires certainly weren't available for one. Anyway. Spike Dawns that the Slayer keeps tripping them up, which seems a bit overwrought, since he's only been in two episodes before this one. Dru assures him that he'll prevail, and they kiss as music-box music plays, which I'm amused to note is Dru's theme music. Spike then goes over and menaces Dalton for a bit until Dru, back at the tarot cards, says they need the key, which makes me shiver involuntarily. And then condition my hair. Spike asks if the book is in code, and Dru confirms that. Spike sees that one of the upturned cards has a mausoleum on it. If you'd like one of these decks for yourself, you can order one from www.plotcontrivances.com. Upon learning that the key is in the mausoleum (and if only that were true about the other key) he says he'll dispatch some henchvamps to retrieve it. Dru playfully repeats her request for him to dance with her. He picks her up, swings her around, and says they'll dance on the Slayer's grave. Won't that be romantic. And by the way, long-assed teaser. Credits.

Buffy patrols a graveyard. She hears a metallic clinking, and sees that there's a light coming from a mausoleum. She quietly opens the door, and sees Dalton chiseling away at something. She closes the door and waits for him to come out, which he presently does. She snits at him a bit, but another vamp comes up behind her. They fight. She dusts him, but when she turns back to where Dalton was, he's gone.

Angel's waiting in Buffy's bedroom when she climbs up to the window and sees him. Pleased, she tosses her bag into the room. He turns around, and we see that he's clutching Mr. Gordo, Buffy's stuffed pig. He says she scared him, and with the pig and all, this is about as cute a moment as you're likely to get from Angel, so enjoy it while you can. Buffy: "Now you know what it feels like, Stealth Guy." Shout-out? She casually asks him if he's there for some quality time with Mr. Gordo. Hee. He softly says that nothing's up, but she thinks he's lying, and tells him that Joyce is away on a business trip, so they don't have to whisper. Angel asks the obvious question, namely why she came in through the window. Buffy's face falls through a long pause. "Habit." Heh. He tells her that he had a bad feeling and wanted to check on her. Buffy snits that it's bad news as usual with him. Hurt, he turns away. That was cute again! What is wrong with me? Buffy apologizes and says she's been cranky all day, like, thanks for the news flash. He asks what's wrong, and she says it's a thing at school. Angel: "Career Week?" Buffy asks how he knew that. Angel: "I lurk." Hee. Buffy Dawns that it's a week of "What's My Line?" only she doesn't get to play, and that she wants -- say it with me if you know the words -- a normal life. Angel thinks he's part of the problem, but she assures him that he's the only thing in her life that makes sense. If I were Willow or Xander, I'd be offended that she thinks dating a vampire makes more sense than being friends with them, but who really needs friends, right, Little Miss I-Am-The-Law? She goes on that she wishes they were normal kids. Angel Dawns that he'll never be a kid. Buffy: "Okay then, a regular kid and her cradle-robbing creature-of-the-night boyfriend." Angel laughs, and he really does look good when he smiles. Aack! Where's my snark? I'm going to have to try some classical conditioning myself and smack my face every time I say something schmoopy about these two.

Anyway, Angel picks up a photo of a little girl on an ice rink, and asks if that was part of her normal life. Buffy explains that she had a Dorothy Hamill obsession, which seems like it would have been about ten years out of date. However, I hate to point out niggling little errors like this when, in Season Seven, the writers don't even seem to remember what the words "vampire" or "Slayer" mean, not to mention slightly more sophisticated concepts like "continuity," "pathos," and "character development." Buffy goes on that she had all sorts of Dorothy merchandise, and that she even got the Dorothy haircut, "thereby securing a place for [her]self in the geek hall of fame." Angel asks when she last skated, and she says it's been quite some time. He tells her there's a rink in the area that's closed on Tuesdays. Buffy starts to smile, and says the day is Tuesday. Angel smiles in return. "I know." Aw. SMACK!