The Dark Age

We start right in with the fast-paced music of Something Wicked This Way Comes. A middle-aged goateed man with a silver suitcase walks urgently toward the camera. He's on the Sunnydale High campus. A member of the custodial staff appears and asks the man if he needs help. In a British accent, the man says he needs to see Rupert Giles. The custodian directs him to the library, and the Brit takes off. The custodian snits: "You're welcome." Remember that, kids: Observing social niceties may save you from a horrifying death in the Jossverse. I suppose I'd better say, "Please remember that. Thank you for your consideration." Brit Dude heads for the back entrance to the library when he hears a noise. They do that standard horror thing where he looks back, then forward, then back, then forward, then zzzzz. When I wake up, a shadowed female figure is standing near him. She steps forward to reveal that she looks like one of the undead creatures from the video for "Thriller." Also, her eyes glow briefly. Brit Dude asks, "Dierdre?" She rasps in response, "Philip." Too late for the niceties. Let's get with the killing! Zombie Dierdre advances. Philip falls trying to get away, then staggers to the back door and starts banging on it. I'd point out that I don't see any evidence that Zombie Dierdre can actually run, but I've already mentioned why Philip is doomed, so there's no sense belaboring the point.

Inside the library, Buffy is aerobicizing to some wordless dance music. Giles holds his head in pain, and asks if they could turn off the noise. Buffy corrects him that it's music. Giles yells, "Music has notes. This is noise." Buffy refuses to listen. Giles: "Wonderful. You work on your muscle tone while my brain dribbles out of my ears." Outside, as the first crocuses herald the advent of spring, Dierdre finally reaches Philip, and starts choking him. Sensing that an ill-mannered brute has been taught his lesson, Buffy turns the music off. Giles happily breathes, "And the rest is silence," which is a meta-shout-out to the Buffy movie. Philip achieves a silence of his own as Dierdre snaps his neck, and he falls. She collapses to him, then dissolves into a puddle of bluish goo. Credits.

We see a blur of images centering on some dude who looks like a younger Kiefer Sutherland in hippie attire. It looks like he's involved in a ritual of some sort. Well, there are a lot of candles, at least. Someone tattoos a mark onto a forearm. Aggressive music plays as the dude says, "Eyghon," and that it's time to go to sleep. Soon, he screams. Giles wakes up and looks shaken. There's a big empty space in the bed to him. What a shame.

School. Buffy and Willow are playing a game of "Anywhere But Here." Buffy describes getting a foot massage from Gavin Rossdale. Boy, they really were young back then. Willow describes being seated with John Cusack in a Florentine restaurant. Well, she gets points for aesthetics, at least. Buffy compliments her imagination as Xander joins them. Upon learning what they're playing, he contributes, "Amy Yip at the waterslide park." Ew ew ew. And also, ew. I think I could market a Xander/Amy Yip diet -- I know if I looked at a picture of them every day, I wouldn't be able to hold down solid food for the rest of my life. Yuck. Willow notes that he never changes his fantasy, but he says he's just not fickle like they are. I can't comment on that, as I haven't put enough distance between that vomitrocious mental image and myself. All right -- I'm going to try to soldier on through the chills and sweats. Seeing Giles approach, I start to relax, and Willow asks if they think Giles ever played the game. Xander opines that Giles lived for school. "He's actually still bitter that there were only twelve grades." Buffy: "He probably sat in math class thinking, 'There should be more math. This could be mathier.'" Hee. Willow wonders if he didn't ever get restless, but Buffy, with finality, says that "his diapers were tweed." She calls him over, and asks if he's wearing tweed, which of course he is. That was cheap. Heh. He starts to tell her that "tonight is very important" as they head inside.

He goes on that a medical transport is delivering a monthly supply of blood to the hospital, that they should meet outside at 8:30, and that she shouldn't be late. Buffy: "Have I ever let you down?" Giles: "Do you want me to answer that, or shall I just glare?" Maybe you should save the glaring for Irony, since he's about to bite you in the ass. Miss Calendar arrives with a "Morning, England." England's brain typically turns to treacle upon seeing her, and Willow says, "Feel the passion," which means that Foreshadowing is in a very cruel mood indeed. Miss Calendar warningly says Willow's name, then asks if they're on for tomorrow. Willow acknowledges that. Xander asks what's going on the day, and Miss Calendar explains that Willow's helping her conduct a review session on computer basics for a couple of lagging students. Xander: "Those poor schlubs have to attend school on a Saturday." Miss Calendar: "Nine AM okay with you, Xander?" That was cheap too. Hee. Buffy: "You got a bit of schlub on your shoe there." Of course he does -- the shoe's attached to the rest of him, isn't it? Miss Calendar adds that Cordelia will be there, and Xander proclaims that if you throw in "rectal surgery," it's his dream day. Insert "butt monkey" joke here. Giles and Miss Calendar walk off together. Willow: "Can't you just imagine them getting together?" The kids smile, but their faces quickly reset to "ew." Hee. Pretty realistic reaction for sixteen-year-olds, although I wish Buffy had shut up about it by the time she got to college.

Miss Calendar thanks Giles for "loaning" her a Forrester book, which gets my usage hackles up. And don't email me telling me the usage is correct; I know the verb "to loan" is acceptable in this situation nowadays, but I just don't like it. At least it only replaces "to lend" in actual physical transactions. I mean, can you imagine "Friends, Romans, countrymen! Loan me your ears!" Blech. And I'm sorry if you're bored with my grammatical ruminations, but the fact is that picturing Amy Yip and Xander in the waterslide park caused my brain to dribble out of my ears, so me finishing this recap in any kind of coherent manner will be tantamount to that monkeys/typewriters/works of Shakespeare thing.

Typing Monkeys: We are so sick of people talking about us like that.
Couch Baron: Whoa! I didn't think you guys actually existed.
Typing Monkeys: Well, we do, and we're sick of being disrespected all the time. I mean, how would you like it if people said, "Given enough time, the Couch Baron will actually write a funny recap"?
Couch Baron I guess I wouldn't really like that at all. I'm sorry.
Typing Monkeys: Well, maybe we'll forgive you. What are you writing now?
Couch Baron: It's an idea for a novel. It starts out, "It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times."
Typing Monkeys: You really aren't funny. You know that, right?

You see what has happened to my brain? Anyway, the typing monkeys are going to keep an eye on me for the rest of the recap. Giles tells Miss Calendar that the edition he lent her belonged to his father. Miss Calendar says she usually dog-ears pages she wants to reread, but she did that so many times that she just started underlining passages in Giles's book. Giles reacts to this with mounting horror, and when he hears that Miss Calendar spilled coffee all over it, manages to utter that it's a first edition. Miss Calendar catches up to even the typing monkeys and me when she tells him that she's joking. She gives back the book, and declares that she just loves to see him squirm. She goes on that he's a fuddy-duddy, but a sexy one at that. I was just saying the samewhoops. More flirting ensues, and ordinarily I'd be annoyed, but as long as it's not Xander and Amy Yip, I'm five by five. Even when Giles and Miss Calendar basically make a date to dance the horizontal mambo, I'm cool. They lean in. The bell rings, but they go through with a quick kiss before the hallway starts filling with students. They keep saying that their date is for "Saturday." The monkeys type, "Don't they mean 'tomorrow'?"

Giles enters the library to find some police officers awaiting him. The leader, a no-nonsense officer who, as Omar would say, just happens to be black and female, greets him by name, and tells him he'll have to come down to the station. Giles asks why. No-Nonsense Officer informs him of the homicide on campus, and says that while Philip had no identification, he was carrying a slip of paper with Giles's name and address on it. Giles is flustered. Cordy enters the library, blathering about the computer review session and a book she needs for it. Giles points out the police officer, but Cordy takes the opportunity to ask her for help with a ticket. "It was a one-way street. I was going one way!" Heh. Giles barks her name, and she defensively asks why everyone does that, as she can take a hint. Getting no help, she asks what the hint is. Giles seethes, "To come back later." You don't think Cordy can get the last word in this exchange, do you? Oh, ye of little faith! Cordy: "Yeah, when you've visited decaf land." Hee! She leaves. Giles asks No-Nonsense Officer where he needs to go.

Morgue. An employee opens a freezer and asks Giles if he ate breakfast. The answer is no, and the guy says that was a good idea. Leave the morgue humor to Six Feet Under, dude. He uncovers Philip's corpse, which is covered in nasty-looking contusions. Giles identifies Philip as a friend from London, but says they hadn't spoken to each other in twenty years. No-Nonsense Officer asks if Giles can think of any reason why Phillip would want to contact him. Staring at Philip's arm, which bears the same tattoo that Giles saw in his dream, he says no. No-Nonsense Officer picks up on that, and asks if he knows the significance of the tattoo. Giles answers in the negative. No-Nonsense Officer doesn't look convinced, but we don't see her again, so who cares?

Hospital parking lot. Buffy complains to herself that Giles is late. A van pulls up, and two doctors come out to greet the driver. Buffy: "All's well that ends with cute ER doctors, I always say." I think Sars would agree, since I've seen the pictures she has on her refrigerator. However, Buffy immediately realizes that her motto is flawed, as she muses to herself that doctors don't usually take deliveries. Wouldn't the van driver have noticed the change in procedure? The van pulls away, and the driver of a heretofore hidden convertible turns on its lights and pulls into the center of the lot. The driver's in vamp face, as now are the two "doctors." One of the "doctors" bites open a bag, but the driver admonishes him not to sample the "product." So they'reselling it? Whatever. Buffy rushes them. She's doing well, but is nonetheless relieved when Angel comes out of nowhere to join her. Buffy stakes the two "doctors," while Angel kicks the driver back into the car. The driver takes the opportunity to peel out of the lot. Buffy checks on the cooler filled with blood packets, and asks Angel how he knew about it. Angel tells her that everyone, by which I assume he means every vamp, knows about it. She asks if he can make sure the hospital gets it. She at least raises her eyebrows to acknowledge that he might have some difficulty just handing over so much blood. And why was he there, anyway? To protect it, but maybe steal a packet or two for himself? Didn't he have a few of those packets in his refrigerator in "Angel"? Anyway, he agrees, and she says she's worried about Giles, as he was supposed to be there. Angel: "Maybe he's late." "Maybe"? Sometimes Angel really isn't the brightest star in the heavens. "Sometimes"? Okay, you got me. Buffy points out that Giles counts tardiness as "the eighth deadly sin," and Angel agrees that she should check up on him. Well, now you've caught up too, Dead Boy. The Typing Monkeys mutter, "Who's that idiot?"

Buffy knocks on Giles's door. He answers, looking like hell, and says that it's late, but asks if she's all right. She snits that she could ask the same of him, but he tells her he can't talk, and starts to close the door. She reminds him about the blood delivery, but he makes excuses and closes the door. Buffy looks worried. Inside, Giles is on the phone to someone in England, apologizing for calling at five AM Greenwich time. So Giles considers nine o'clock on a Friday night "late"? Giles tells the callee that he's trying to reach Dierdre Page, but quickly learns that she died recently. He murmurs his condolences, and hangs up, looking panicked. He takes a shot of a stiff drink (and he's got the bottle on the desk, so we know he's not kidding around), then crosses Dierdre's name off a list. The other crossed-off names are Philip and a "Thomas Sutcliffe," who I assume must have summoned Eyghon soon before the start of the episode. The remaining names belong to Ethan Rayne (yay!) and Giles himself. Giles takes off his tie and goes into the bathroom. He rolls up his sleeves, revealing a tattoo just like Philip's on his left bicep. He splashes his face and regards his image in the mirror, menacing at it, "So. You're back." It's very creepy, and I half-expect him to drive his head into the mirror and start looning, "How's Annie?" over and over. Now that's the way to end a show, folks.