The usual love and skittles to Ace, Sep, and the Couch Baron. I haven't written a recap in a looooong time, people, so buckle up. It's going to get ugly, and I ain't talking about Willow's tights.
Zoom backwards out of an extra's mouth as she screams her damn fool head off. We're at the Bronze, and a vamp who looks kind of like Brian Dunkleman is menacing Buffy "Suddenly Last" Summers. Buffy, kitted out in a vintage-first-season ruby-colored dress with lots of cleavage, backs away from the vamp; in the background, extras mill and flail and shriek. Buffy bumps into a pole, bites her lip, and punches the vamp twice -- oh no, thank you, Foley guy! Unfazed, the vamp slings her onto the pool table and has just hunched over her to feed when Xander "'Atkins' Who In The What Now?" Harris snarks, "May I cut in?" and wrenches the vamp away. A few quick punches to the gut from Xander and the vamp is down for the count. Over in the maternity ward at Mother Cabrini, a newborn gurgles, "Ohhhh -- it's dream sequence. Got it." Xander manlies at Buffy, "You all right?" "Thanks to you," she coos. He helps her off of the table, and she notes that he's hurt his hand: "Will you still be able to --" "Finish my solo and kiss you like you've never been kissed before?" Xander finishes for her, then winks. Snerf. Buffy's all, "He's dreeeeeamy." Xander heads off, presumably for the stage, but behind Buffy, the vamp has gotten up. The extras shriek some more. Xander sees the vamp, snaps a leg off of a chair, and flings it. Stake-cam, aaaaaand -- dusted. Buffy clasps her hands and beams. Xander jumps up onstage to join the band -- which is, inexplicably, just waiting for him among the mayhem, instruments at the ready -- and strums a power chord as Buffy continues to moisten. Xander does the Eddie Van Halen thing. Buffy approaches the stage, gives him a sultry look from over her cleavage, and tells him sweetly, "You're drooling."
Cut to Xander drowsing during a slideshow in biology class. Buffy again whispers helpfully that he's got nap crust on his face, and he snaps out of it and wipes his mouth; the teacher, standing under a slide of an ant, drones on about how ants will rule the earth after humans blow themselves up and blah, then flips the lights on. If the students read the homework, the teacher goes on, they should know the two ways that ants communicate. He calls on Buffy. She stammers, entertaining the jock to her, then looks over the teacher's shoulder to Willow "Not Gay Yet" Rosenberg, who's gesturing the answers in Buffy's direction. Buffy guesses one, but biffs the other, and there's a bit of "humor" at Xander's expense from the jock before the teacher busts on Buffy for getting the answers from Willow. The bell rings, and the teacher assigns homework, then asks to see Buffy for a moment.
“ Xander dances his way through the crowd towards the stage; he gives the lead singer a 'what's up dude' nod, but gets dissed. Negged on the 'what's up dude' nod by a guy in a silver shirt? That's got to hurt. ”
After class, the teacher remarks that he's heard Buffy had a few problems at her last school. Buffy tries to downplay it with, "What teenager doesn't?" but the teacher's like, "You burned down the gym, hon," and confesses that Principal Flutie showed him Buffy's permanent record. Buffy pleads "major extenuating circumstances" and starts to explain, but the teacher walks over to his coat, exchanges the pair of glasses he's wearing for a different pair, and interrupts her to say that he can't wait to see what Buffy's "gonna do here." "'Destructive girl,' that's me," Buffy murmurs sadly, half to herself. "But I suspect it's gonna be great," the teacher continues. She thinks he means "'great' in a bad way," but he doesn't; he tells Buffy she has a "first-rate mind" and can think on her feet, but she needs to do the homework. He knows she can "excel in this class," so he expects her to do just that. Buffy apologizes. "Don't be sorry, be smart," he snaps. More pep-talking about how Buffy shouldn't listen to Principal Flutie's or anyone else's negative opinions about her and "let's make them eat that permanent record" -- long story short, he believes in her, and she's touched. Finally, after one more nag from the teacher about doing the reading, Buffy leaves. The teacher turns the lights in the classroom out again and sits down to examine slides. The shot leaves an ominous space behind him and to the left, so we know something's lurking. Also, we've watched television before. Then the shot changes to over the teacher's shoulder and pulls in tighter. Strings And Flugelhorn Of Impending Doom. A large jointed tentacle that looks like part of a cactus grabs the teacher by the neck and yanks him backwards, and he lands on the floor to his broken glasses, thereby dooming Buffy to many more years of academic insecurity.
Credits. Yuck, Darla.
The Bronze. Superfine plays one of my least favorite songs from the soundtrack as Xander dances his way through the crowd towards the stage; he gives the lead singer a "what's up dude" nod, but gets dissed. Negged on the "what's up dude" nod by a guy in a silver shirt? That's got to hurt. He walks back to the tables, where the jock from bio class is bragging about how many girls he's slept with -- seven, if we believe him. Which we don't, because we've watched television before. The jock's friend buys it, though, and listens politely as Jockstrap blithers on about how a girl really has to "have something" to get with him. "Something likea lobotomy?" Xander supplies from a nearby table. Jockstrap sneeringly asks how many times Xander has "scored." God, I loathe that expression. It's someatheaded. Anyway, Xander tries to fake him out by saying, "Are we talking today or the whole week?" Jockstrap laughs in his face. Just then, Xander spots Buffy and Willow coming down the stairs, and with a smug "ooh, duty calls," he bails to go talk to them. Jockstrap and Friend look at each other all "oh, I am so sure."
“ Good one, Xander! Oh, except not really. ”
Xander barges up to the girls, crooning, "Baaaabes!" Buffy's like, "The hell?" "Work with me here," he grumbles. "Blayne had the nerve to question my manliness. I'm just gonna give him a visual." Willow sees an opening, snorting, "We'll show him," and she clutches at Xander, who then turns to Blayne and Friend and gives them a thumbs-up. Good one, Xander! Oh, except not really. Buffy's with me, muttering, "I don't believe this," and Xander says, "I know! And after all my conquests," but Buffy just walks off. Cut over to Angel "Broody Mc" Glumigan by the stairs, where he's chowing Pop Rocks and giggling like a schoolgirl. No, of course not. He's brooding. Xander wants to know what's up with that broody guy, and Willow says she thinks that's Angel, and Xander grouses that "he's buff" and Buffy never said anything about Angel's buffness, and Willow skeptically asks, "You think he's buff?" and Xander snaps, "He's a very attractive man," like, thank you, very convincing, Mr. Boreanaz's people will mail you a check, now let's move it along. Anyway, more crabbing from Xander about Buffy never mentioning that Angel is hot.
Buffy. Angel. Banter. Buffy: "I like you, so I'll say some mean crap." Angel: "[Scowl.]" Buffy: "Blah blah cryptic blah blah disappear into the night blah blah blah fishcakes." Angel says she's cold. "You can take it," Buffy snips. No, no, he means she looks cold. He takes off his jacket and drapes it around her. Cut back to Xander, who quite rightly cracks on that move: "It's a balmy night! No one needs to be trading clothing out there! And what's with the wifebeater?" I said that last part, actually. Buffy remarks that the jacket's a bit big on her before noticing a wound on Angel's arm. Concerned, she asks what happened; he enigmas that he didn't pay attention. "To somebody with a big fork?" Heh. Angel ignores that jibe to tell her, "He's coming." Buffy, amused: "The fork guy." "Don't let him corner youdon't give hima moment's mercy. He'll rip your throat out." Chill, homes. She's the Slayer. She knows what to do. Also, stop stealing your lines from Trek fan fic; it's unseemly. Buffy doesn't take the warning seriously, saying it's "a strong visual" and not as mysterious as his usual cautions, but Angel, shocking a nation, doesn't see the humor, says he has to go, and bolts. "Sweet dreams to you too," Buffy pouts. Behind her, the bouncer has a blue skull-and-crossbones long-sleeved t-shirt on that I want badly to own for myself.
Anyway, blah blah blah, Miss F asks for help making "model egg sacs" (ew) for the science fair after school, and every male in the class raises his hand. Buffy looks perturbed.
Lunch line. Tired joking about Hot-Dog Surprise; weak posturing by Xander regarding what Miss French sees in him and the older woman/younger man thing. Buffy busts on him for his desperation, then implies that Miss French has Had Some Work Done. Xander defends himself, if you can call it that. Cue Blayne cutting into the lunch line to hassle Xander about how Blayne gets a private tutoring session with Miss French before Xander does, like, we GET IT, okay? So, Blayne "natural selection" blah, Xander "rehearsal" blah, Buffy whatever, and then Buffy almost collides with Cordelia "Giving" Chase, who's barging through to retrieve her "medically prescribed lunch." Oh, all right. Hee. Cordy breezes past the lunch lady, snarking the whole time, and whips open a freezer door to find Dr. Gregory's headless body stashed inside. She screams and babbles "where's his head, where's his head" repeatedly, and the other three dash over to take a look. Cut to a freezer-cam shot lasting approximately a year and a half in which Buffy, Xander, Willow, and Cordy mug and look sickened at the sight, followed by a shot of Dr. Gregory's name stitched on his lab coat.
In the library, Giles pours a glass of water for a shell-shocked Buffy and tells her to "drink this." "No thank you," she monotones, and starts drinking it. Heh. Xander babbles a bit about how he's never seen anything like that. Willow asks who would want to hurt Dr. Gregory, and Giles says that Dr. G didn't have any enemies on the staff: "I liked him." Aw. "So did I," Buffy says, glycerin streaking one side of her face. Willow says they'll find who did it and stop them, and Buffy says grimly, "Count on it." Giles asks for a rundown, and Buffy says Dr. G got killed on campus, most likely the last day they saw him; when Giles asks how she knows that, she points out that Dr. G had the same clothes on. Xander pipes up to say that he knows nobody wants to hear it, but -- what happened to Dr. Gregory's head? "Good point. I didn't want to hear that," Willow murmurs. Buffy has a brain wave, remembering that Angel told her something was coming; Giles wishes he knew what Angel meant, and adds that he's done more research on the Master. Apparently, a henchvamp displeased the Master once back in the day, and the Master cut his hand off. "And replaced it with a fork?" Buffy asks incredulously. Giles doesn't know. Xander asks why Fork Guy would want to hurt a teacher, but Giles isn't sure Fork Guy had anything to do with it. Giles then gets out the newspaper and says that, two nights ago, a homeless person "was practically shredded" in Weatherly Park. But it's nothing like Dr. Gregory's death, and, as Buffy comments, "Fork Guy doesn't do heads." Also, Dr. G's blood wasn't drained. Xander figures out what that means -- namely, that there's something else out there "besides Silverwareman" -- and complains that they live on Monster Island, but Buffy merely shrugs that they live on the Hellmouth and that's how it goes. Giles says that, while "unpleasant things do gravitate here," Fork Guy is still their prime suspect. Buffy asks innocently where the homeless guy got killed, and Giles warns her that she shouldn't go hunting until they know more. He makes her promise not to "do anything rash." "Cross my heart," she chirps.
“ Flutie continues to ramble at Buffy, telling her he's there for her if she ever needs a hug, 'but not a real hug, because -- there's no touching in this school. We're sensitive to wrong touching,' and all I can say to that is that it's too bad Flutie couldn't have come back to haunt Riley's dorm room. ”
Predictable cut to Weatherly Park, where Buffy regards the fence for a moment, then scales it and starts to look around. She wanders for a bit before a drunk street person startles her and tells her it's "dangerous" there at night. She spots another street person on the ground and runs over, thinking he's dead, but he's just sleeping. Acoustic Guitar Of Foreboding. She comes upon a sheaf of oddly stacked foliage and begins moving it aside, prompting Fork Guy -- who looks like a refugee from Marilyn Manson Fantasy Camp -- to jump out of his lair and attack her. They fight, and the Foley guys go bazoo with the Freddy Krueger effects before police officers appear over the rise and scare Fork Guy away. Buffy runs off after him.
On the sidewalk that runs alongside the park, Miss French is walking home in a Spiegel trench coat, carrying a bag of groceries. Fork Guy approaches her, looking to feed, and Buffy runs up on the other side of the fence and spots them both. Miss French turns around and gives Fork Guy a flirtatious look; instead of the stereotypical celery or baguette sticking out of her bag, there's what looks like a copy of The Mask on video. Huh? Anyway, as Buffy watches, Fork Guy pulls back with a Hannibal Lecterian hiss, then sprints away, pulls up a manhole, jumps down inside, and pulls the manhole flush with the street after him. Miss French makes a "so there" face and continues on her way. Buffy's all, "What in the hell?"
After the break, we fade up on Giles bitching at Buffy for going out hunting when she swore she wouldn't. Buffy blows off his concern quippily, and Giles asks with not a little asperity if she happened to see "someone with a fork." "More like a jumbo claw," Buffy responds. Giles looks ashamed, and says quietly that at least she's not hurt, but Buffy's more interested in telling him about Miss French. After Giles rambles a bit about the "lovely" and "well-proportioned" substitute teacher, Buffy tells him that Claw Guy saw Miss French and took off screaming. Giles is skeptical about that, but Buffy insists that Miss French scared the crap out of Fork Guy and convinces Giles that they should "keep an eye on" her. Then she dashes off to class
only to get stopped in the hall by Principal Flutie, who wants Buffy to go to crisis counseling because she saw Dr. Gregory's dead body. But she can't use the word "dead." Or "decomposing." Or any other word that starts with "d." Buffy says she has to get to biology, but Flutie must insist: "We all need help with our feelings, otherwise we bottle them up and before you know it powerful laxatives are involved!" Snerk. I liked Flutie a lot; it made me sad when he got eaten by Jen's New York Boyfriend From Her New York Past. And have you ever noticed that Ken Lerner always, always plays a doctor or a lawyer? The role of principal is a real departure for him. Anyway, he continues to ramble at Buffy, telling her he's there for her if she ever needs a hug, "but not a real hug, because -- there's no touching in this school. We're sensitive to wrong touching," and all I can say to that is that it's too bad Flutie couldn't have come back to haunt Riley's dorm room. Buffy continues protesting, but Flutie won't have it -- she needs to heal. "Heal!" he bellows at her, and sits her down in a chair to wait for the counselor. Buffy pouts for a moment, then eavesdrops on Cordelia's counseling session; Cordy's upset, but notes that she can't eat as a result and may have lost seven and a half ounces. "Oh, I'm not saying we should kill a teacher every day just so I can lose weight! I'm just saying, when tragedy strikes, we have to look on the bright side -- you know? Like how even used Mercedes still have leather seats!" Buffy cocks an eyebrow. I giggle. Then I wish I had a Mercedes. Then I wish the show still had a Cordy.