A Bug's Life

S01E04

The usual love and skittles to Ace, Sep, and the Couch Baron. I haven't written a recap in a looooong time, people, so buckle up. It's going to get ugly, and I ain't talking about Willow's tights.

Zoom backwards out of an extra's mouth as she screams her damn fool head off. We're at the Bronze, and a vamp who looks kind of like Brian Dunkleman is menacing Buffy "Suddenly Last" Summers. Buffy, kitted out in a vintage-first-season ruby-colored dress with lots of cleavage, backs away from the vamp; in the background, extras mill and flail and shriek. Buffy bumps into a pole, bites her lip, and punches the vamp twice -- oh no, thank you, Foley guy! Unfazed, the vamp slings her onto the pool table and has just hunched over her to feed when Xander "'Atkins' Who In The What Now?" Harris snarks, "May I cut in?" and wrenches the vamp away. A few quick punches to the gut from Xander and the vamp is down for the count. Over in the maternity ward at Mother Cabrini, a newborn gurgles, "Ohhhh -- it's dream sequence. Got it." Xander manlies at Buffy, "You all right?" "Thanks to you," she coos. He helps her off of the table, and she notes that he's hurt his hand: "Will you still be able to --" "Finish my solo and kiss you like you've never been kissed before?" Xander finishes for her, then winks. Snerf. Buffy's all, "He's dreeeeeamy." Xander heads off, presumably for the stage, but behind Buffy, the vamp has gotten up. The extras shriek some more. Xander sees the vamp, snaps a leg off of a chair, and flings it. Stake-cam, aaaaaand -- dusted. Buffy clasps her hands and beams. Xander jumps up onstage to join the band -- which is, inexplicably, just waiting for him among the mayhem, instruments at the ready -- and strums a power chord as Buffy continues to moisten. Xander does the Eddie Van Halen thing. Buffy approaches the stage, gives him a sultry look from over her cleavage, and tells him sweetly, "You're drooling."

Cut to Xander drowsing during a slideshow in biology class. Buffy again whispers helpfully that he's got nap crust on his face, and he snaps out of it and wipes his mouth; the teacher, standing under a slide of an ant, drones on about how ants will rule the earth after humans blow themselves up and blah, then flips the lights on. If the students read the homework, the teacher goes on, they should know the two ways that ants communicate. He calls on Buffy. She stammers, entertaining the jock to her, then looks over the teacher's shoulder to Willow "Not Gay Yet" Rosenberg, who's gesturing the answers in Buffy's direction. Buffy guesses one, but biffs the other, and there's a bit of "humor" at Xander's expense from the jock before the teacher busts on Buffy for getting the answers from Willow. The bell rings, and the teacher assigns homework, then asks to see Buffy for a moment.

By Sars

After class, the teacher remarks that he's heard Buffy had a few problems at her last school. Buffy tries to downplay it with, "What teenager doesn't?" but the teacher's like, "You burned down the gym, hon," and confesses that Principal Flutie showed him Buffy's permanent record. Buffy pleads "major extenuating circumstances" and starts to explain, but the teacher walks over to his coat, exchanges the pair of glasses he's wearing for a different pair, and interrupts her to say that he can't wait to see what Buffy's "gonna do here." "'Destructive girl,' that's me," Buffy murmurs sadly, half to herself. "But I suspect it's gonna be great," the teacher continues. She thinks he means "'great' in a bad way," but he doesn't; he tells Buffy she has a "first-rate mind" and can think on her feet, but she needs to do the homework. He knows she can "excel in this class," so he expects her to do just that. Buffy apologizes. "Don't be sorry, be smart," he snaps. More pep-talking about how Buffy shouldn't listen to Principal Flutie's or anyone else's negative opinions about her and "let's make them eat that permanent record" -- long story short, he believes in her, and she's touched. Finally, after one more nag from the teacher about doing the reading, Buffy leaves. The teacher turns the lights in the classroom out again and sits down to examine slides. The shot leaves an ominous space behind him and to the left, so we know something's lurking. Also, we've watched television before. Then the shot changes to over the teacher's shoulder and pulls in tighter. Strings And Flugelhorn Of Impending Doom. A large jointed tentacle that looks like part of a cactus grabs the teacher by the neck and yanks him backwards, and he lands on the floor to his broken glasses, thereby dooming Buffy to many more years of academic insecurity.

Credits. Yuck, Darla.

The Bronze. Superfine plays one of my least favorite songs from the soundtrack as Xander dances his way through the crowd towards the stage; he gives the lead singer a "what's up dude" nod, but gets dissed. Negged on the "what's up dude" nod by a guy in a silver shirt? That's got to hurt. He walks back to the tables, where the jock from bio class is bragging about how many girls he's slept with -- seven, if we believe him. Which we don't, because we've watched television before. The jock's friend buys it, though, and listens politely as Jockstrap blithers on about how a girl really has to "have something" to get with him. "Something like...a lobotomy?" Xander supplies from a nearby table. Jockstrap sneeringly asks how many times Xander has "scored." God, I loathe that expression. It's so...meatheaded. Anyway, Xander tries to fake him out by saying, "Are we talking today or the whole week?" Jockstrap laughs in his face. Just then, Xander spots Buffy and Willow coming down the stairs, and with a smug "ooh, duty calls," he bails to go talk to them. Jockstrap and Friend look at each other all "oh, I am so sure."

By Sars

Xander barges up to the girls, crooning, "Baaaabes!" Buffy's like, "The hell?" "Work with me here," he grumbles. "Blayne had the nerve to question my manliness. I'm just gonna give him a visual." Willow sees an opening, snorting, "We'll show him," and she clutches at Xander, who then turns to Blayne and Friend and gives them a thumbs-up. Good one, Xander! Oh, except not really. Buffy's with me, muttering, "I don't believe this," and Xander says, "I know! And after all my conquests," but Buffy just walks off. Cut over to Angel "Broody Mc" Glumigan by the stairs, where he's chowing Pop Rocks and giggling like a schoolgirl. No, of course not. He's brooding. Xander wants to know what's up with that broody guy, and Willow says she thinks that's Angel, and Xander grouses that "he's buff" and Buffy never said anything about Angel's buffness, and Willow skeptically asks, "You think he's buff?" and Xander snaps, "He's a very attractive man," like, thank you, very convincing, Mr. Boreanaz's people will mail you a check, now let's move it along. Anyway, more crabbing from Xander about Buffy never mentioning that Angel is hot.

Buffy. Angel. Banter. Buffy: "I like you, so I'll say some mean crap." Angel: "[Scowl.]" Buffy: "Blah blah cryptic blah blah disappear into the night blah blah blah fishcakes." Angel says she's cold. "You can take it," Buffy snips. No, no, he means she looks cold. He takes off his jacket and drapes it around her. Cut back to Xander, who quite rightly cracks on that move: "It's a balmy night! No one needs to be trading clothing out there! And what's with the wifebeater?" I said that last part, actually. Buffy remarks that the jacket's a bit big on her before noticing a wound on Angel's arm. Concerned, she asks what happened; he enigmas that he didn't pay attention. "To somebody with a big fork?" Heh. Angel ignores that jibe to tell her, "He's coming." Buffy, amused: "The fork guy." "Don't let him corner you...don't give him...a moment's mercy. He'll rip your throat out." Chill, homes. She's the Slayer. She knows what to do. Also, stop stealing your lines from Trek fan fic; it's unseemly. Buffy doesn't take the warning seriously, saying it's "a strong visual" and not as mysterious as his usual cautions, but Angel, shocking a nation, doesn't see the humor, says he has to go, and bolts. "Sweet dreams to you too," Buffy pouts. Behind her, the bouncer has a blue skull-and-crossbones long-sleeved t-shirt on that I want badly to own for myself.

Sunnydale High. Buffy and Rupert "That's 'Mr. Sars' To You" Giles pedeconference up the front walk, discussing Angel's latest bulletin. Then there's banter about the sameness of the weather in southern California that's meant to point up Giles's exasperating Britishness. Ha ha. Not. Enter Xander with a low-flow-shower-head hairstyle and a backpack full of exposition, to wit: Dr. Gregory, the bio teacher, is out today. Buffy asks if he's sick, but Xander says the grapevine didn't say anything about sick: "Something about...missing." Buffy, Spidey sense tingling: "He's missing?" Xander got distracted by the cheerleaders' new short skirts, but he's pretty sure they said missing. Willow and Buffy exchange a look. Xander duhs, "Which is bad?" "If something's wrong, yeah," Buffy says with an eye-roll. "He's one of the only teachers that doesn't think Buffy's a felon," Willow supplies helpfully. Xander makes with the sympathy, and he starts to say he's sure Dr. Gregory will turn up when The Bongo Drums Of Someone's Going To Pitch A Woodrow Right About Now kick in on the soundtrack. Cut over to a shapely female coming up the front walk. Cut back to Xander doing his best Steve Sanders impression. Buffy and Willow follow his gaze over to Shapely Female as she proceeds towards them in slo-mo; she has a nice figure, but her face is entirely too reminiscent of Jocelyn Wildenstein. (On the trivia front, it pleases me entirely too much to report that the actress, Musetta Vander, once acted in a film called Dickwad. Not a joke, folks.) She stops in front of Xander and asks where she can find "Science 109." Xander, as you might expect, is completely flummoxed due to the sudden downward rush of blood; he stutters around for a bit as Buffy and Willow look on in amusement. Then Blayne steps in, smoothly cockblocks Xander with a bit of varsity-football-related smarm, and escorts Shapely Wildenstein away. "It's funny how the earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to," Xander bleats. Tell me about it, dude. Buffy and Willow smirk.

Bio. Miss Wildenstein is writing on the board. As Buffy and Willow walk in, Buffy spots Dr. Gregory's glasses on the floor. She examines them and wonders aloud why he wouldn't have picked them up. Willow shrugs, and Buffy carefully places the glasses on a table. Class begins. Miss Wildenstein introduces herself as Natalie French, and does her substitute teacher shtick. Buffy asks when Dr. Gregory is coming back, but Miss French doesn't know. Unfunny pun from Blayne intended to reinforce his sleaziness, and then we open our books to page 81 of The Anvils For Learning Science Series: Vol. III and read about the life, laughs, and loves of the praying mantis. "Noble, solitary, and prolific," praying mantises live alone because "they're cannibals," and the female is almost always larger and more aggressive than the male. That bit of wisdom, delivered in rhapsodic tones by Miss French, prompts another unfunny from Blayne before Miss F says that the California mantis lays eggs, then finds a mate to fertilize them. During that last bit, she's giving Xander the eye; Xander is hypnotized by her gigantic cheekbones. Okay, show of hands -- does everyone see where this is going? Yeah, I thought so, and it's why I've never liked "Teacher's Pet." Everything is telegraphed so far in advance that you know the whole plot twelve minutes in, and with some Buffy episodes, the journey is the destination, but Xander Thinks With His Dick And Screws Upville isn't a trip I want to go on, to tell you the truth.

Anyway, blah blah blah, Miss F asks for help making "model egg sacs" (ew) for the science fair after school, and every male in the class raises his hand. Buffy looks perturbed.

Lunch line. Tired joking about Hot-Dog Surprise; weak posturing by Xander regarding what Miss French sees in him and the older woman/younger man thing. Buffy busts on him for his desperation, then implies that Miss French has Had Some Work Done. Xander defends himself, if you can call it that. Cue Blayne cutting into the lunch line to hassle Xander about how Blayne gets a private tutoring session with Miss French before Xander does, like, we GET IT, okay? So, Blayne "natural selection" blah, Xander "rehearsal" blah, Buffy whatever, and then Buffy almost collides with Cordelia "Giving" Chase, who's barging through to retrieve her "medically prescribed lunch." Oh, all right. Hee. Cordy breezes past the lunch lady, snarking the whole time, and whips open a freezer door to find Dr. Gregory's headless body stashed inside. She screams and babbles "where's his head, where's his head" repeatedly, and the other three dash over to take a look. Cut to a freezer-cam shot lasting approximately a year and a half in which Buffy, Xander, Willow, and Cordy mug and look sickened at the sight, followed by a shot of Dr. Gregory's name stitched on his lab coat.

In the library, Giles pours a glass of water for a shell-shocked Buffy and tells her to "drink this." "No thank you," she monotones, and starts drinking it. Heh. Xander babbles a bit about how he's never seen anything like that. Willow asks who would want to hurt Dr. Gregory, and Giles says that Dr. G didn't have any enemies on the staff: "I liked him." Aw. "So did I," Buffy says, glycerin streaking one side of her face. Willow says they'll find who did it and stop them, and Buffy says grimly, "Count on it." Giles asks for a rundown, and Buffy says Dr. G got killed on campus, most likely the last day they saw him; when Giles asks how she knows that, she points out that Dr. G had the same clothes on. Xander pipes up to say that he knows nobody wants to hear it, but -- what happened to Dr. Gregory's head? "Good point. I didn't want to hear that," Willow murmurs. Buffy has a brain wave, remembering that Angel told her something was coming; Giles wishes he knew what Angel meant, and adds that he's done more research on the Master. Apparently, a henchvamp displeased the Master once back in the day, and the Master cut his hand off. "And replaced it with a fork?" Buffy asks incredulously. Giles doesn't know. Xander asks why Fork Guy would want to hurt a teacher, but Giles isn't sure Fork Guy had anything to do with it. Giles then gets out the newspaper and says that, two nights ago, a homeless person "was practically shredded" in Weatherly Park. But it's nothing like Dr. Gregory's death, and, as Buffy comments, "Fork Guy doesn't do heads." Also, Dr. G's blood wasn't drained. Xander figures out what that means -- namely, that there's something else out there "besides Silverwareman" -- and complains that they live on Monster Island, but Buffy merely shrugs that they live on the Hellmouth and that's how it goes. Giles says that, while "unpleasant things do gravitate here," Fork Guy is still their prime suspect. Buffy asks innocently where the homeless guy got killed, and Giles warns her that she shouldn't go hunting until they know more. He makes her promise not to "do anything rash." "Cross my heart," she chirps.

Predictable cut to Weatherly Park, where Buffy regards the fence for a moment, then scales it and starts to look around. She wanders for a bit before a drunk street person startles her and tells her it's "dangerous" there at night. She spots another street person on the ground and runs over, thinking he's dead, but he's just sleeping. Acoustic Guitar Of Foreboding. She comes upon a sheaf of oddly stacked foliage and begins moving it aside, prompting Fork Guy -- who looks like a refugee from Marilyn Manson Fantasy Camp -- to jump out of his lair and attack her. They fight, and the Foley guys go bazoo with the Freddy Krueger effects before police officers appear over the rise and scare Fork Guy away. Buffy runs off after him.

On the sidewalk that runs alongside the park, Miss French is walking home in a Spiegel trench coat, carrying a bag of groceries. Fork Guy approaches her, looking to feed, and Buffy runs up on the other side of the fence and spots them both. Miss French turns around and gives Fork Guy a flirtatious look; instead of the stereotypical celery or baguette sticking out of her bag, there's what looks like a copy of The Mask on video. Huh? Anyway, as Buffy watches, Fork Guy pulls back with a Hannibal Lecterian hiss, then sprints away, pulls up a manhole, jumps down inside, and pulls the manhole flush with the street after him. Miss French makes a "so there" face and continues on her way. Buffy's all, "What in the hell?"

After the break, we fade up on Giles bitching at Buffy for going out hunting when she swore she wouldn't. Buffy blows off his concern quippily, and Giles asks with not a little asperity if she happened to see "someone with a fork." "More like a jumbo claw," Buffy responds. Giles looks ashamed, and says quietly that at least she's not hurt, but Buffy's more interested in telling him about Miss French. After Giles rambles a bit about the "lovely" and "well-proportioned" substitute teacher, Buffy tells him that Claw Guy saw Miss French and took off screaming. Giles is skeptical about that, but Buffy insists that Miss French scared the crap out of Fork Guy and convinces Giles that they should "keep an eye on" her. Then she dashes off to class...

...only to get stopped in the hall by Principal Flutie, who wants Buffy to go to crisis counseling because she saw Dr. Gregory's dead body. But she can't use the word "dead." Or "decomposing." Or any other word that starts with "d." Buffy says she has to get to biology, but Flutie must insist: "We all need help with our feelings, otherwise we bottle them up and before you know it powerful laxatives are involved!" Snerk. I liked Flutie a lot; it made me sad when he got eaten by Jen's New York Boyfriend From Her New York Past. And have you ever noticed that Ken Lerner always, always plays a doctor or a lawyer? The role of principal is a real departure for him. Anyway, he continues to ramble at Buffy, telling her he's there for her if she ever needs a hug, "but not a real hug, because -- there's no touching in this school. We're sensitive to wrong touching," and all I can say to that is that it's too bad Flutie couldn't have come back to haunt Riley's dorm room. Buffy continues protesting, but Flutie won't have it -- she needs to heal. "Heal!" he bellows at her, and sits her down in a chair to wait for the counselor. Buffy pouts for a moment, then eavesdrops on Cordelia's counseling session; Cordy's upset, but notes that she can't eat as a result and may have lost seven and a half ounces. "Oh, I'm not saying we should kill a teacher every day just so I can lose weight! I'm just saying, when tragedy strikes, we have to look on the bright side -- you know? Like how even used Mercedes still have leather seats!" Buffy cocks an eyebrow. I giggle. Then I wish I had a Mercedes. Then I wish the show still had a Cordy.

By Sars

Library. Buffy reads triumphantly from a book about praying mantises; they can turn their heads 180 degrees. "Ha!" No response. "Well, come on, guys -- 'ha'!" Willow points out that Miss French is "sort of big...for a bug," and Giles adds that she's "by and large woman-shaped." So am I, Giles...if you know what I mean. Wait -- what do I mean? Sorry, never mind. So, Buffy reminds the others that only mantises can rotate their heads like that, that a particularly nasty vamp is terrified of Miss French, and that "her fashion sense screams predator." After thinking that last one over for a second, Willow says firmly, "It's the shoulder pads!" Hee. Giles muses aloud about his old "chum" Carlyle, an expert in entomology and mythology who apparently went bonkers and told Giles a story...that's interrupted by Willow before we can hear it, because according to Will's computer-whizzing, Blayne's mom phoned the school earlier to report that Blayne didn't come home last night. Willow starts to panic, saying that Xander's supposed to be working with Miss French right now: "He's got a crush on a giant insect!" I've had crushes on several giant insects over the years. I even dated one for a few months. Terrible tipper, that guy, and excuse me, but if you want to eat leaves in bed, use a plate! Never again, and I mean that. Right, recap -- sorry. Buffy reassures Willow that she'll check on Xander, but first she wants Willow to hack into the coroner's office and get the autopsy report on Dr. Gregory. She remembers tooth-like marks on the corpse, and if her hunch is correct, they match up with mantis fangs, which she points to a picture of. Ew. It's called floss, She-Mantis. Buffy prompts Giles to continue his story about Carlyle, but he says he'll tell her after he makes "one transatlantic phone call." On his way to his office, he stops to ask, "This...computer invasion that Willow's performing on the coroner's office, one -- one assumes that it is entirely legal?" Buffy and Willow, in unison: "Entirely/of course!" Giles catches his snap and sighs, "Wasn't here, didn't see it, couldn't have stopped you." Aw. Come back, Giles! The Scoobs need you around to...um...to ignore misdemeanors! Yeah!

Outside, Buffy catches up with Xander and asks about the tutoring session. He goes on about "her favorite guy in the universe" blah blah blah. Buffy tries to tell him what's going on with Miss French, but when she informs him that Miss French is "a big bug," Xander responds patronizingly that he's "met someone, and [Buffy's] jealous." "What?" Buffy sputters. Xander explains that there's a chemical attraction between him and Miss French, and Buffy says she's knows; it's called a pheromone, which insects emit. Now Xander gets defensive, saying that maybe it's hard for Buffy to believe, but "an actual woman finds [him] attractive." Nope, not touchin' that one. He goes on to snark that he knows "it's no mystery guy handing out leather jackets," and wonders "what kind of girly name is 'Angel,' anyway?" Buffy, confused, asks what that has to do with anything. "Nothing! It just kinda bugs me." Geddit? Xander stalks off. Buffy rolls her eyes. Shut up, Xander.

By Sars

In the bio classroom, Miss French is fixing herself a snack when Xander comes in for his session. There's egg-sac (ew) banter before Miss French simpers that she's done something "really stupid" and she hopes Xander can forgive her. No problem! Forgiveness is his middle name! Well, "actually it's 'LaVelle,' and I'd appreciate it if you'd guard that secret with your life." Wow. "LaVelle" is tough. Anyway, it seems that Miss French has a "teachers' conference" in half an hour, and she "left" her supplies at home -- would Xander mind terribly coming over to her house later to work on the project? At night? In her home? Where they can have sex? DO YOU GET IT? Xander burbles, "Come to...uh...your place." Quick cut to Xander's guitar solo from the beginning. Hee! Okay, that's funny. Miss French gives him her address and says she'll see him tonight. He staggers out of the room and does a triumphant "ooh YES!" fist-pump outside. Miss French goes back to making a cricket Dagwood. She has really cool lime-green nail polish on.

At the library, Giles is huffing that he doesn't care what time it is, but the lady on the other end had better get Carlyle out of his straitjacket and bring him to the phone -- "this is a matter of life and death." Outside, Willow hacks into the coroner's report ("with, yuck, color pictures"), and Buffy recognizes the bite marks; they match the mantis. Willow doesn't like that one bit. For the benefit of our radio listeners, Buffy exposits yet more about how mantises mate and feed -- by biting off the males' heads, in case you went to fix yourself a sandwich back in 1857 when this freakin' episode started, thus missing that bit of info that I feel fairly certain we ALL GET BY NOW JESUS JUST GO KILL HER ALREADY. Willow, ignoring my desire to finish the recap before Social Security checks begin arriving at my apartment, yammers on about how she likes Xander's head: "It's where you find his eyes and his hair and his adorable smile." Buffy reassures her that Xander isn't "in any immediate danger." She saw him leave school, and "he's probably safe at home right now."

Cut to the basemantis (sorry -- it's shorter, you know?), where Xander is staring in horror at the She-Mantis. He backs into the corner of the cage, and when Blayne grabs him by the shoulder, he jumps. Xander asks if he's okay, but Blayne is basically freaking the fuck out and can't form complete sentences. Xander tries to determine what exactly the She-Mantis does, and Blayne moans "oh god oh no" for a few hours before finally explaining that she takes the virgin male out of the cage and ties him up, and then she "starts moving and throbbing," and then eggs "come shootin' out of her," and then...and then...what, Xander demands. "She mates with you." But that's not the worst part, oh no. Would you like to know the worst part? Guess. Come on. Come on! Thaaaaat's right. She bites off his head. Didn't see that coming, did you? Blayne panics some more, and Xander tries to comfort him.

Giles is getting off the phone with Carlyle, telling him, "You were right all along, about everything...well, no, you weren't right about your mother coming back as a Pekingese, but...yes, try to rest, old man." Heh. Giles hangs up and comes out to report to Buffy and Will, launching into a monologue on virgin-thieves in ancient cultures and Carlyle hunting the She-Mantis in the Cotswolds, and while I love Giles, God bless Buffy for breaking in with, "Giles, while we're young." Giles takes it in stride and sums up the She-Mantis's M.O. for us once again -- assumes form of beautiful woman, lures virgins back to nest, et cetera. Buffy interrupts to scoff that surely Xander's not a virgin. Um, Buffy? Hello? Try watching the show. So Buffy starts to stammer that Xander's "probably," and Willow finishes in a quavering voice, "Gonna die," and rushes off to phone him. Then Buffy announces that they have to find the She-Mantis and "snuff it," and asks Giles how. Seems Carlyle recommends "cleaving all body parts with a sharp blade." I like this Carlyle a lot, suddenly. Giles goes on to say that whatever Buffy does, she should do it fast, because the She-Mantis is extremely dangerous; when she shrugs that Carlyle faced it and won, Giles responds that, as a result, Carlyle is now -- if you'll pardon the expression -- bugfuck. "Okay, Admiral, way to inspire the troops," Buffy teases him. Just then, Willow reports that Xander's not home; he told his mother he'd gone to his teacher's house to work on a science project. Buffy tells Willow to pull Miss French's address off the substitute rolls, then orders Giles to record bat sonar, which will melt the mantis's nervous system. Giles hesitates, but Buffy tells him to hit the vid library: "There're no books, but it's dark and musty, you'll feel right at home -- go!" Then she goes to "handle the armory."

By Sars

Casa De Mantis Que Cazan. Miss French is in another Spiegel-catalog creation, this one a little black dress that really gives new meaning to the term "shelf bra"; she's pouring bug-tinis when the doorbell rings. When she lets Xander in, he goggles at her ledge of breasts, and she leers something about should she change, is the dress too...? Oh, no; it's the most beautiful chest -- er, "dress" Xander's ever seen. She offers him a bug-tini, which he grabs, and she says she needs to unwind; she's "a little nervous around" Xander. But he's probably cool as a cucumber, she says. Xander babbles about liking cucumbers and tzatziki and downs his whole martini and makes those "ha...ho" noises and God, get ON with it, please. Miss French hitches closer to him on the couch and wants to know if she can ask him a personal question: "Have you ever been with a woman before?" Xander's blithering response to this drags on for several weeks while Miss French strokes his face and pretends she's on Red Shoe Diaries and finally, a day or two before my fortieth birthday, Xander admits that he's a virgin. Miss French knows; she "can tell." She can? "Oh, I like it. You might say I...need it." Yes, you might say that...but please don't, because this episode is dragging on longer than the Ming dynasty already. Xander babbles some more, then asks if she hears a noise that sounds like someone crying. Miss French says flatly that she doesn't hear a thing and takes Xander's hand, moaning, "Ooh, your hands are so hot!" Xander flashes back to Buffy cooing, "Ooh, you hurt your hand!" He slumps back onto the couch: "Buffy. I love Buffy. So that's a martini, huh?" Aw. I've felt that pain. Well, not the loving-Buffy pain. Xander bolts upright again and asks about the crying; Miss French interrupts to ask if he'd like to touch her "with those hands." Cut to a shot of Miss French's hands morphing into mantis pincers as Xander says that they're "really...serrated." Heh. He mumbles something about the martini and swoons onto the floor. As we head to the break, the She-Mantis hauls him away by the feet.

Basement of the mantis -- or should I call it the "basemantis"? No, that's too stupid. But on another subject entirely, have you ever noticed that, on TV and in the movies, the refrigerators in basements always date from the fifties? What's up with that? We pan past a retro fridge and over to a cage, where Xander comes to on a bed of thinly scattered straw. He pulls himself up the bars and looks across the room; in the corner, the She-Mantis...I don't know. It sounds like she's eating Funyuns, and possibly leafing through a magazine. Hard to tell. Let's just say that the She-Mantis makes threateningly crunchy noises. "Miss...French?" "Call me Natalie," the She-Mantis says in an electronicky voice, and Xander jumps back from the bars.

By Sars

FINALLY, Buffy offs the She-Mantis. Everyone gathers at the foot of the stairs for the post-mortem, Giles commenting that he'd say "it's deceased." "And dissected," Willow grumbles. Xander asks if Buffy's okay and says, "Just for the record, you were right, I'm an idiot, and God bless you." Just make a macro of that sentence, Harris. You'll need it. Xander then thanks the rest of the gang. Willow crushes that she's glad Xander's safe, and "it's so unfair how she only went after virgins." Aaaaand here's that jackass from the first act, folks, goin' off in the third -- there's much chuckling as Xander and Blayne both try to deny their virginity, but Giles shuts them down, explaining that "that's the She-Mantis's modus operandi -- she only preys on the pure." Xander gloats; Blayne threatens to sue them if they tell anyone that he's a virgin, because his dad's a lawyer. "Blayne? Shut up!" Xander snorts. Seriously. "I don't think it's bad," Willow burbles. "I think it's really" -- Xander picks up Buffy's cutlass -- "sweet, but certainly nothing I'll ever bring up again," and she shrinks away from Xander. Okay, small "hee" there. Xander walks over to the egg sacs and starts whaling on them as a metal riff kicks up on the soundtrack.

The Bronze. Buffy broods over coffee until Angel, not about to let anyone else wear the brooding tiara, makes another appearance. He leers at her before saying he heard a rumor that "there's one less vampire walking around making a nuisance of himself." Way to leave me open, Angel. Buffy confirms it, and thanks him for the tip. It's his pleasure. Buffy flirts that it would make things easier if she knew how to reach him. "I'll be around," he smarms. "Or who you were," she adds pointedly. He just smirks and starts to leave, but in an effort to get him to stay, she says he can have his jacket back. "It looks better on you," he smolders, and heads out of the club, but not without shooting her the furry eyeball over his shoulder on the way. Buffy snaps her mouth shut, then says to herself, "Oh boy." Yeah, no kidding.

Bio classroom. END, dammit! The new teacher drones on about term papers as Buffy looks wistful. The bell rings, and she gathers her stuff, but on the way out of the room, she spots Dr. Gregory's broken glasses, tucks them into his coat that still hangs on the closet door, and closes the closet. Focus pull to half a dozen disturbingly testicular-looking egg sacs hanging beneath a shelf. One of them cracks cinematically open, and we go to closing credits.

By Sars

Basemantis. The She-Mantis plays eeny-meeny-miney-moe to choose which boy to mate with first, and lands on Xander.

Back from the break, she beckons Xander out of the cage. He hitches slowly forward to give his Hush Puppies a product placement, then slugs the She-Mantis and tries to run, but he doesn't get far up the stairs before a pincer hauls him back down. He lands at the bottom of the stairs in a heap.

Outside Mrs. Howard's, Willow asks what they should do now. "Abject prayer and supplication would spring to mind," Giles grunts, but Buffy's sure the She-Mantis lives in the same neighborhood; it's where Buffy saw her before. Willow's going to start knocking on doors, claiming they have to do something, but Buffy stops her: "We will." Cut to Buffy going down the same manhole Fork Guy used earlier and assuring the other two, "I won't be long." I've just noticed that Willow is wearing a stripey blue and white sweater and a brown paisley-patterned skirt with black tights. I know she's not all that fashionable, but you can dress kind of down-market and still, you know, match. I've never really gotten that about Willow's wardrobe. Nothing about it is bad on its own; it's that she wears that weird stuff together. Nowadays, she's all matching, but it's all fugly. Anyway, she peers into the manhole as Giles calls after Buffy.

Basemantis. Xander is chained up, and the She-Mantis sniffs him and gurgles as Blayne makes jokes about eggs sunny-side up. Cram it, Blayne. "Eggs! She's gonna lay some!" Xander bellows, like, thanks, WE KNOW, and THEN he flashes back to Miss French talking about the California mantis in class, like, OH! KAY! GOD! How long did this ep run in the original cut, eight minutes? Move it ALONG!

"Come on, Buffy!" Willow whines down the manhole. Yeah, that'll help.

Buffy emerges from Fork Guy's foliage lair, kicking him along ahead of her; she's bound his wrists up. "You!" he sneers. "Me," she sneers back.

Cut to the sidewalk, with Buffy shoving Fork Guy along and asking him which house the She-Mantis lives in; Giles and Willow trail along behind. Buffy taunts him for fearing the She-Mantis and repeats "come on" and "this is it, isn't it" over and over again, and SMG's acting here is really flat, probably because the segment is far longer than necessary. The scene is supposed to feel urgent and rushed, but it goes on twice as long as it should. Then again, everything in this episode does that. They get to the right house, but Fork Guy works free of his bindings and attacks Buffy. When she tumbles to the ground, she snaps off a piece of picket fence and stakes him.

By Sars

In the basemantis, the She-Mantis is asking Xander to kiss her. Does she even have lips? As she leans in, Xander blurts, "Can I say one thing?" and then howls, "Heeeeeeeelp! HEEEEEEELP!" Hee. Help arrives seconds later as Buffy crashes through the basemantis window and squawks, "Let him go!" Another weird, unnecessary line delivered really flatly. The She-Mantis, not happy, backs off, which gives Buffy time to grab two giant cans of bug spray as Willow dashes down the steps behind her. While Buffy's Raiding the She-Mantis, Giles creeps in, and Buffy tells him to "get them out of here," which -- see above. While Blayne squawks for help, Buffy busts out a giant cutlass, followed by yet another oddly paced speech about Dr. Gregory and how he taught Buffy that if you do your homework, "you learn stuff," like the effects of bat sonar on a mantis's nervous system. But of course, the tape isn't cued up correctly; the She-Mantis knocks it out of Buffy's hand, and Giles has to retrieve it. Buffy and the She-Mantis go head-to-head, and when Xander jumps in to help with a can of bug spray, Buffy shoves him to safety, only to get knocked down by the She-Mantis. The choreography is choppy and bad, as you might expect when one stunt double is fighting in a Mothra suit, but Buffy lands a few kicks, buying herself time until Giles finally hits "play" on the bat sonar tape. My captioning reads, "Tape: (Zweeee)." Heh. Best laugh of the ep. The She-Mantis writhes in pain. Buffy repeats the bat sonar factoid AGAIN, sniding that it makes the She-Mantis's nervous system go to hell and adding, "You can go there with it." Clunk. At long last, she starts hacking at the big bug, and we see most of that sequence shadowed against the basemantis wall; SMG's double's wig is huge and very stiff. Xander looks on in horror, whether because he's scared or because the episode is now entering its seventh day, I don't know.

By Sars