The Witch

"This is madness," lectures Giles as he paces back and forth in the library. "I make allowances for your youth, but I expect a certain amount of responsibility and instead you enslave yourself to th-th-this cult?" The shot switches to show Buffy in the saddest cheerleader "outfit" I've seen outside of a Toys R Us aisle. She's standing with raised pom-poms in a completely unnatural pose. She bounces up to him and tells him that she's trying out for the squad. Giles reminds her that she was "chosen to destroy vampires, not to wave pom-poms at people, and as a Watcher I forbid it." Buffy asks how he plans to stop her, thereby throwing her first cog in the wheel known as The Council. Buffy assures Giles that she won't neglect her duties, but she wants to do "something normal. Something safe." Hey, this is before Joss learned to be subtle with the foreshadowing, isn't it?

The camera pans around a room bearing a cauldron with boiling green tempera paint and other witchy accessories. An unidentified hand drops a necklace into the goo and then grabs a Barbie-sized doll dressed as a cheerleader.

In the gym, girls are warming up in preparation for cheerleader try-outs, although it looks more like tryouts from the gymnastics team from the amount of cartwheels and such. Buffy and the gang enter the gym as Buffy is telling them about Giles's reaction to her after-school activity. Xander ogles the candidates, and Buffy rolls her eyes and walks off. Willow teases Xander about "pretending that seeing scantily clad girls in revealing postures was a religious experience." Xander replies that he wasn't pretending, and then remembers that he has a gift for Buffy. It's an ID bracelet with "Yours always" engraved on it. Xander assures her that they all came that way. Willow, still in her full-on Xander crush mode, is disturbed. Cordelia stalks up to the gang and snits, "Just look at that Amber. Who does she think she is, a Laker girl?" Inside joke time. Charisma Carpenter is a former Laker girl. Another girl calls all the girls to attention and tells Amber to go first. Willow spots Amy and introduces her to Buffy. Willow comments on the weight that Amy has lost, and Amy replies that she "had to." Some generic hip-hop song begins and Amber starts her routine. It's pretty athletic, which causes Buffy and Amy look worried. Amy tells Buffy that Amber trains with one of the best cheerleading coaches available. Buffy is surprised to learn that there are cheerleading coaches, but Amy is more surprised that Buffy isn't aware of this. Me too. I mean, wouldn't Buffy have seen that rash of TV movies about the Texas cheerleader mom who took out a hit on her daughter's closest rival? Amy says that her mother coaches her six hours a day, and Buffy quips that if she spent that much "quality" time with her mom it would lead to some "quality matricide." Cordelia, having seen enough of Amber's performance, pointedly turns her back on her. Amber starts smoking, causing Willow to exclaim, "That girl's on fire!" "Enough with the hyperbole," dictates Cordelia as Amber throws down her pom-poms and spouts fire from her palms. I used to do that same trick with rubber cement when I was a teenager. A quick-thinking Buffy grabs a banner hanging above the bleachers and tackles Amber to smother the blaze, since her cheerleading routine has pushed out any memory of those "Stop! Drop! And roll!" public service announcements. Buffy reassures Amber that everything is going to be okay.

Back in the library, the gang is discussing the recent events, and Giles mentions that spontaneous combustion is very rare and unexplainable. Xander is disturbed that Giles doesn't know the cause, but Giles tells Xander that it's part of the "thrill of living on the Hellmouth; it's a veritable cornucopia of fiends and devils and ghouls to engage." At least we know why Giles didn't try to get a job as a travel agent this past season. Buffy asks if there are any "common denominators" in human combustion cases, and Giles replies that usually the victim is very upset. Buffy takes off to go gather information about Amber, but before she can leave, Willow and Xander offer to help. Buffy says that she doesn't like putting them in danger and Xander scoffs that he "laugh[s] in the face of danger. And then [he] hide[s] until it goes away." Willow says they are like a team, in that Buffy is The Slayer and they're "the Slayerettes." Buffy agrees to accept their help but reminds them to be cautious.

At home in the kitchen, Joyce is struggling with a crowbar to open a crate of artifacts for the gallery, which probably should have been delivered to the gallery, but let's not quibble. Buffy is wearing white-on-white, which is not really an attractive look for anyone. Buffy tells Joyce about the tryouts. Joyce, preoccupied with her crate, tells Buffy all the things that a mom is supposed to, but Buffy stops her to ask if Joyce knows what Buffy was trying out for in the first place; Joyce doesn't know because she's distracted by all the work that needs to be done to prepare for the gallery's first show. Joyce gives up on the crate and picks up a clipboard to check on some numbers. Meanwhile, Buffy flips open the crate's lid with one hand. Buffy tells Joyce that she's trying out for cheerleading, and Joyce is pleased to hear it because Buffy "stopped cheerleading just before the trouble so it's good [she's] going back." Buffy is surveying the contents of the fridge as Joyce opens a crate and says, "Oh dear." She replaces the lid and tells Buffy that's it's only a fertility statue and it's nothing that Buffy needs to see. Buffy tells Joyce about Amy and her mom, finishing with, "Sounds like her mom's pretty into it." "It sounds like her mom doesn't have a lot to do," says Joyce, accurately assessing the situation before leaving the room. Buffy, a little put out that Joyce didn't pick up on her plea for more attention, lifts the lid of the crate a few inches to check out the fertility statue before exclaiming, "Jeepers," and quickly replacing the lid.

In the gym the day, the cheerleader tryouts continue. Whoever makes the team will have their names posted in the quad after lunch. Quick decision. I just find it so odd that they wouldn't have chosen the new cheerleaders at the end of the last school year so they wouldn't have to go for even one day without an elite trained squad of snobs and bitches to make life a living hell for the less fortunate. At least that's how they did it at my school. So anyway, they start with a group performance, and a nervous Amy flubs a cartwheel and crashes into Cordelia. This is the saddest collection of cheerleaders I have ever seen. ["Ever seen an all-girls'-school cheer squad? That's the saddest collection of anything you've ever seen, trust me." -- Sars] I don't believe for one moment that any of these girls would slam me to the ground and stand on my chest mocking me in front of the whole school the way Tricia Connelly did in ninth grade. Cordelia is very worried that Amy's mistake will affect her chance to join the squad.

Later, in the hallway, Amy is standing and staring morosely into the trophy case when Buffy walks up wearing a fugly black-and-white geometrically patterned Rampage top with her hair up in an chignon. Who does that to their hair in high school? Amy tells Buffy that the picture of the cheerleader is her mom, Catherine. We learn that Amy's mom and dad were homecoming king and queen and got married right after high school. Buffy pronounces this "romantic," while I suppress a shudder. Amy goes on to tell Buffy that her dad left her mom when Amy was twelve and it's just been the two of them ever since. Thereby proving that popularity in high school is the kiss of death. Amy is distraught about her performance at try-outs, and Buffy tries to comfort her but Amy isn't having it and goes to change. As she's leaving, Willow joins Buffy and fills her in on Amy's history -- namely that Amy's mother is a psycho control freak. Buffy asks if Willow has any news on Amber, but the only thing Willow has come up with is that Amber had detention once for smoking: "Regular smoking -- not, like, being smoky." Buffy says that they'll have to wait and see, but maybe nothing will come of it. You better hope something comes of it, Buffy, otherwise you'll be out of a job.

Drip. Drip. Drip go the showerheads in the girls locker room. They don't need to cue the spooky music; girls' locker rooms are scary enough in their own right for any girl who had to change for PE in junior high. Amy is changing in front of her locker, and jumps when she hears a noise. She turns around to leave but runs into Cordelia. Amy apologizes for knocking Cordelia down earlier, and Cordelia tells her that if she doesn't make the squad Amy is "going to be so very beyond sorry." Cordelia turns and stalks out, slamming a locker door on her way out as part of her best "girl in a prison movie who is about to make you her bitch" impression.

An obviously dazed Cordelia is walking down the hall. I mean, that outfit? Shiny floral patterned green shirt tied at the waist with pinstripe pants? Xander grouses to Willow about how he's invisible to everyone including Buffy. He decides that he actually has to bite the bullet and ask Buffy out. Luckily for him, she approaches while his resolve is still fresh. Buffy notices Cordelia leaning against a bank of lockers while Xander tries to stumble through his spiel. She tells him that she'll catch up with him later and follows Cordelia with a concerned look, leaving Xander holding her book. To Willow, Xander mimics the sound of a bomb falling and exploding.

Cordelia approaches the driver's ed car, and the instructor tells her that it's her turn to drive. Cordelia attempts to tell him that she doesn't feel well, but the instructor informs her that since she's flunked twice already she has to. What an idiot. I certainly wouldn't get in the car with a teen driver's ed recidivist who said she was ill. Inside, we get a shot from Cordelia's point of view, and everything is fuzzy. The instructor tells her to "move forward through the cones with a gentle even turn --" which is as far as he gets before Cordelia peels out in reverse and loses control of the car through the parking lot. She ends up driving through the fence and coming to a stop in the middle of the street, because I guess when you're going blind, you lose the ability to find the brake pedal. Buffy, who has kept an eye on the situation, is in close pursuit. Cordelia gets out of the car and stands to it, trying to regain her balance. Suddenly there's a UPS truck bearing down on her, and I guess he's going blind too because he's not even trying to brake. Buffy rushes over and climbs over the hood of the driver's ed car (nice pants, Buffy. Not) and pushes Cordelia out of the way. The UPS truck clips the mirror on the driver's ed car. On the ground, Cordelia is exclaiming that she can't see anything, and when the camera focuses on her face she's wearing those creepy costume contact lenses that make your pupils disappear.

Library. "First vampires and now witches. No wonder you can still afford a house in Sunnydale," Xander quips. Giles idly wonders why anyone would wish ill on Cordelia, "Maybe because they met her?" ventures Willow. "And what about Amy?" wonders Giles. Buffy puts two and two together and realizes that they're both cheerleaders. This leads to the speculation that Amy is the culprit. Giles wants some proof before they confront Amy, so Willow and Buffy go to see who has checked out the books on witchcraft. Hey! My school didn't have any books on witchcraft. I guess you miss out when you don't go to high school on the Hellmouth. Xander tries in vain to dissuade them, but despite his efforts the gang learns that he is responsible for all the missing witchcraft books, which he checked out so that he could ogle the semi-nude engravings. What a freak -- can't he just snag his dad's Playboy like a normal guy? Meanwhile, Giles has found a witch identification spell. He reads off the ingredients, most of which are available in the science lab. For some reason the directions really crack me up: "Heat ingredients and apply to witch." If Amy is the culprit, her skin will turn blue.