Endgame

S14E30

Julie welcomes us to the live season finale, and we get the extended previouslies sequence in which Dan's blindsides of Britney, Frank, and Shane (and by extension Shane's showmance Danielle) take pride of place with some of the season's goofier, more romantic, sadder, and angrier moments, all of which are pretty much equally goofy.

Back in the studio, Julie reminds us that it's down to the final three of Danielle, Dan, and Ian, who are currently seen waiting in the living room in their Sunday best. Julie tells us how the evening is going to go, but since we're about to see it happen, I think we can pass on those details. Instead, let's flash back to what we saw on Sunday: the beginning of the first part of the three-part final Head of Household competition, in which the final three were dunked, rained on, and banged against a padded wall while sitting on giant fishhooks.

Danielle Diary Rooms that she no longer trusts Dan after being lied to by him yet again, and is determined to win for herself. And Dan DRs that he made a deal with Ian before evicting Shane: in exchange for getting to stay for the final three, Ian had to agree to drop out of the first round of the final HoH. Ian readily agreed. And then, after Shane was evicted and Danielle was still pissed, Dan went to Danielle and told her about this deal with Ian to prove how he had it all planned to get them to the end. And he thinks that's going to convince Danielle to trust him enough to drop out as well and let Dan win. I think he might be out of chips there.

Seventeen minutes in, Ian drops off his fishhook as fakely as possible, but it's still enough to convince Danielle, as Dan keeps shooting her "Told you so" looks. But is Danielle convinced? Dan asks Ian to head inside for four minutes so he can talk to Danielle. Whereupon he tells her that the only way for it to be him against her in the third round is for her to drop out now. Dan seems convinced that he can win the third round, but not the second one. "Do you trust me or not?" Dan asks her. Wrong thing to ask. But he reminds her that Ian dropped out, just like Dan said he would. So sure, in that case, Dan is totally trustworthy. But Danielle only hangs on a little while longer and then climbs off her hook while it's in the pool. However, she DRs that it's not because she trusts him, but because she wants Dan to think she trusts him. These two are a mess. "You really fought hard," he tells her afterward. See? He's still lying!

So now it's going to be Ian against Danielle for part two of the HoH competition. Dan reveals in the DR that he does in fact plan to take Danielle to the final two, but he has to come up with a backup plan in the event Ian beats her in the second round. Which consists of telling Danielle his plan to congratulate Ian, and then Danielle will tell Dan that Ian's planning to take her, fooling Ian into thinking he can't risk sending Danielle to the jury and turn them against Ian. Which will set the stage for Dan to talk Ian into throwing the third part of the HoH competition to Dan. Which would never work for anyone else, but this is Dan we're talking about.

Part two looks pretty simple. The backyard is set up like a city street corner. Danielle is the first to come outside, alone. She reads aloud from the card describing the competition, in which each player will have to clean off dirty "windows" to reveal the faces of former houseguests, and then climb the fake skyscraper to hang them up in their order of departure. The one with the fastest time wins part two and goes up against Dan for part three.

Cut to Danielle in a climbing harness, making her way up the fake building while holding a rag. She starts wiping, but an added degree of difficulty manifests in the fact that some of the pictures are duds. No, not Joe, but images of other random crap that's been seen in the house over the summer. Eventually she starts finding what she's looking for and begins to swing side to side to hang them in place, then scrambles back down to the touch-light to lock in her time and hope for the best.

Then it's Ian's turn, and he's adopted the savvy strategy of just cleaning off the names at the bottoms of the windows first, which tells him whether he needs to waste his time on it. He also seems to have a systematic pattern, and finishes up and locks in his time. Cut to later, when Dan joins them both outside to reveal their times. Danielle finished in seven minutes and thirty-one seconds, but Ian did it in 6:04, so Danielle is out of the HoH competition for good and it's going to be Dan versus Ian in the final round.

But first Dan and Danielle have to stage their fight for Ian's...well, not "benefit," exactly. And given that Danielle's pretty pissed off anyway, she might just pull this off. As planned, Dan congratulates Ian (who's irritated at Dan for being so indiscreet in front of Danielle), and Danielle "demands" to know why they're celebrating. She angrily yells at Ian, threatening to tell the jury all manner of horrible things about him. "I don't respond to threats," Ian says maturely in the DR. He and Dan duck into a room, and Ian's upset about the whole fake situation, as planned. But before Dan can even offer his solution of throwing the third part of the HoH so Ian won't have to evict Danielle, Ian shoots it down. "You need to behave yourself, though, because I can't be dealing with that kind of shit." Ian walks out, leaving Dan to whisper to himself, "Ian, you're going to throw it to me." Should he have added, "young Skywalker?"

By M. Giant

Time for the first five members of the jury to "gather" on the patio of the jury house to speculate on who's coming . It's Shane, of course, announcing that he was on the receiving end of the "worst blindside of the season." He sits down with them and tells them all about how he got evicted even though Danielle had both HoH and the PoV. Everyone figures that Dan and Danielle were planning this all along, and even Shane suspects it.

Frank abruptly starts moderating the discussion of who deserves to win, starting with Ian. Joe and Britney argue for Ian's tough decisions and alliance-building, but Frank wishes Ian would have stuck with him. Jenn agrees with Frank that Ian is a rat and plans to vote accordingly. Moving on to Danielle, who most people seem to agree just had to coast and do what Dan told her to get this far. Jenn does point out that Danielle won some competitions, but Shane is still blaming her for his exit.

As for Dan, everyone knows that he's is dangerous and running the house. "Despite what he did to us personally, this game doesn't have any rules," Britney points out. Joe argues that other people have won without playing as unethically. Frank says that swearing on the Bible is over the line. "If Dan and Judas were in the final two, Dan might have my vote," Joe admits. Then they all make some noncommittal noises about how they still don't know what their choice will be, or which one they'll make.

What was the most irritating part for Frank -- being lied to or being on the block every week? Ian also gets that one right and Dan wrong. They also disagree on whether Jenn thought the most awkward moment in the house was Willie's fight with Frank outside or the first double eviction night. Ian gets that one right as well, and with an insurmountable three-point lead, it's all over: Ian's the final HoH, and he gets to decide all by his lonesome whether to evict Dan or Danielle. Can't wait to see what Dan's contingency plan is for this.

After the ads, Dan and Danielle are sitting in the nominee chairs for the first time. Julie gets on the living room viewscreen and reminds Ian, as if he doesn't know, that he's a certainty for at least the fifty-thousand-dollar second prize. Ian stands up and says he hates to evict a fellow Quack Packer (a superfan should know that alliances end at the finale), but tells Danielle that he has to honor his commitment to Dan and evict her. She looks pretty bitter as she hugs Ian and Dan goodbye and walks out, but manages to paste a Joker-smile on her face as she enters the studio and greets Julie. Inside, Dan and Ian do the Renegades handshake and talk about the third round, in which Ian admits that he was guessing most of the time. See, how can you even throw a competition when it's all random anyway?

Out in the studio, Julie asks Danielle why she committed so fully to Dan. She explains that she wouldn't have been able to make a deal with Ian without exposing herself. As for why Danielle thinks Ian evicted her, Danielle flatly says, "He told me to my face he couldn't win against me. And he said he could win against Dan." Which she may or may not believe, but considers cowardly either way. And she's still not even sure whether Dan just threw that last competition to Ian, thinking he could count on her jury vote no matter what. She's also not especially moved by Ian's eviction speech, or by Julie's consolation prize that she's about to be reunited with the rest of the jury. And who could blame her?

But first, the jury has to return to the studio. In come Ashley, Britney, Frank, Joe, Jenn, and Shane, taking their uncomfortable high chairs at stage left. Julie greets them into a momentarily dead mic, and then invites them to guess who their seventh member is going to be. Britney's hoping for Danielle, saying Ian and Dan are the most deserving and horrifying Frank, who's hoping against hope that it's Dan. Britney's right, as usual, and when Danielle comes out, Shane gets up and gives her a long hug before they return to their seats on either side of Jenn. Julie updates them that Ian won HoH and booted Danielle, then tells them they'll get a chance to ask the final two some questions before casting their votes. That should be enlightening.

By M. Giant

So Ian and Dan are hailed on the living room viewscreen so they can submit to their grilling. Ashley starts it out, asking Ian whether he made his own decisions or followed the group. Ian boldly claims he took his destiny into his own hands. "I would totally disagree with that, but you didn't ask me the question," Dan cuts in. As always, Julie forces the ritual back onto the rails before this can get too interesting.

Frank asks Dan whether he can justify swearing on the Bible and his wedding ring. Dan admits that there are a lot of things he's ashamed of, but being up to his elbows in blood, he had to play ruthlessly to get to this point. "I gotta go to confession anyways, man." Jenn's question to Ian is more of an accusation: "Why should I award you five hundred thousand dollars when you were playing Boogie, Frank, and me while in the Quack Pack?" Ian admits he had to go against his original alliance (leaving out the part about how they totally cut him loose after the reset), but repeats his "fate in my own hands" buzzphrase and tries to sweeten it up.

Danielle gets the last question, and she directs it to Ian: "Did you know that Dan also had a final-two deal with me, and he was going to take me instead of you?" This is clearly news to Ian, and Dan cackles like the busted little boy he is as Ian says he hopes that not true, because Dan gave him his dead grandfather's gold chain as collateral and swore on the Bible and the cross. And how nice that we get to see Danielle's expression of open-mouthed shock one final time. Dan confirms to Danielle, "You're my player. I would have never turned my back on you." Danielle, meanwhile, looks like she'll never trust anyone ever again. Julie tries to sign off for the commercial break while Ian keeps repeating to Dan, "Really? Really? Really?" Really, Ian. Really.

Coming back, the key box is out in the studio, waiting for the jurors' votes. But first the final two get to make their speeches. Ian goes first, saying he's never not winged a speech and isn't going to change now. He tells Dan he's disgusted with him and was going to keep this nice, but not so much now. He reminds everyone that he won HoH four times and PoV twice, compared to Dan's one of each. He adds that Dan started with three lives and burned off two of them in the first few weeks, compared to Ian's one. He also mentions Dan's backstabbing, including his attempt to stab Ian himself. So far so good, but then Ian says he's played the game with "probability, statistics, and a little bit of heart." Which I'm sure everyone will love. He concludes that he controlled his own destiny and made smart decisions for himself, and yields the floor, to a big ovation from the audience and the jury, as well as a pat on the back from Dan himself.

Dan starts his speech with a story of the night the game was reset, when he realized he could never beat most of the people to him on the pirate ship -- the ones he names just happening to be out there in the jury chairs. Dan says he had to play a ruthless game not because he wanted to, but because he had to. He appeals to them to vote for the player who had to strategize 24/7 and not count on winning by pulling a gold ball out of a machine or having a photographic memory. "I hope you guys aren't mad at me, and I hope you're not too disgusted with me," he wraps up. I don't know about all of them, but if he could see Danielle his brain would be on fire.

Time for the voting to begin, starting with Ashley. "I definitely put you on my dream board," she says to one of them, and simpers her way back to her seat. Britney tells them they're both very deserving as she casts her vote. "I'm voting for who I think made the best decisions in the game," Frank says as he votes. "Preesh. Hopefully," Dan replies. Joe just salutes them as he votes, then forgets his key pouch on the box so Julie has to remind him to clean up after himself. Jenn comes up to vote, and Dan informs the audience, "She sold a million records, if you didn't know that, by the way." He doesn't wait until after she's voted to say that, by the way. "Kissin' butt up to the end," Ian says. Shane comes up and says there are things he wishes he could say, but settles for saying that Ian played with respect and Dan played the way he could. Finally Danielle comes up and says, "The only reason I'm voting this way is because I've tried to keep my word and I'm going to try to continue." You can tell she wants Dan's balls for earrings, though. So much for the voting. But six of the first seven evictees will be back after the ads. Can't wait?

By M. Giant

Sure enough, Kara, Jodi, Wil, Janelle, Jojo, and Mike are in the loser-chairs off stage right when we come back. No Willie, of course. Julie tells them that Ian and Dan will be able to hear them, and starts off with Janelle, figuring she knows the game better than anyone as a three-time player. Mike somehow doesn't jump out of his skin at this slight, but he makes sure the effort of not doing so shows. The biggest surprise for Janelle was Dan's lies and gameplay. "If he doesn't win Big Brother 14, it's an absolute travesty." Julie asks if she's saying Dan's the greatest player ever ("No," Dan cuts in from the living room), and Janelle says he's certainly one of the greatest. Julie asks for Frank's take, and Frank says that although Dan used to be one of his favorites, he played a dirty game this season that he, Frank, can't respect. Julie asks for Mike's opinion, and Mike more or less agrees, but is more interested in "the journey Ian went on this summer." He's got no hard feelings about his eviction at Ian's hands. Mike Boogie going the classy route? What's he up to?

Julie then turns to Shane to let him ask a question he has for Danielle: was she in on Dan's plan to evict him last week? Danielle swears she had no idea, and Dan backs her up. Shane asks Dan why he did it that way, and Dan says that he leaves his heart and his morals on the doorstep when he comes into the house, and sucks up to Shane even further by saying he knew he couldn't beat him. The votes are already in, Dan. Julie asks Wil for his reaction, and he tells people not to hold a grudge against the person who lied to you, and take some responsibility for falling for it. Nice of someone to remember to let Wil talk. Julie changes the subject to the America's Favorite Houseguest vote, whose results will be announced soon. "Jodi!" someone hisses. Hey, it could happen.

By M. Giant

After the ads, Julie starts revealing the votes. Danielle voted for Dan, Shane voted for Ian, Jenn voted for Ian, and Joe voted for Ian. Ian's one vote from winning, and Frank's makes it official: Ian just won Big Brother. Kind of a big day for him, wouldn't you say? He and Dan hug and come out of the house, Dan hanging back a bit to let Ian enjoy his moment. Or maybe just to avoid the fallout from the confetti cannon. The studio is a chaos of hugs and tears, most of them directed at Ian, and Julie fights her way back to her mark to tells us to come back to find out America's Favorite Houseguest, adding her own "Quack Pack" signal at the end. Still not too late for a repeat, you know.

After the last break, Julie reveals the last two votes: Britney and Ashley both voted for Ian, so Dan's only vote was from Danielle. Ouch. Dan takes this with good grace. Julie asks Ian, who's been watching this show since he was ten, how he's feeling right now. "This is easily the best moment of my entire life," Ian says. Finally, Julie opens the envelope and reveals that America's favorite houseguest is...Frank. Or at least the most unemployed outside the house. Julie ends the season with these chilling words: "See you summer."

M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.