Don't Come Back, Shane!

S14E28

Whoa, check out the Loretta Lynn hair on Julie! Whoever gets evicted tonight is going to be terrified.

But that won't be Danielle, who won HoH last night. It's down to just her, Shane, Dan and Ian, so Ian probably figures he's already won just by getting his alliance to the final four eighty percent intact. Back in the studio, Julie fails to snicker as she tells us it's Day 69, and Danielle is about to make her nominations, which will be followed by the PoV competition and another eviction. But first, Julie says that Danielle will have to choose between "her best friend and her boyfriend." Wow, when Julie puts it that way, it really sucks to be Danielle. Not because of that choice, but for because of who passes as her best friend and her boyfriend.

We replay Jenn's eviction from last night. Danielle DRs that she was sad to see her go but glad to stay. Shane still thinks the Quack Pack is a going concern. They share a celebratory quack (which Dan sits out, significantly), and Ian DRs that he sees the new dynamic as him and Dan versus Shane and Danielle. You should be so lucky, Ian. It's Dan versus the rest of you, and y'all are hopelessly outnumbered.

We flash back to Danielle's HoH win last night, which puts her in the final three and "besides" herself. Ian's a little worried, and Shane figures Ian's definitely going home. Dan DRs that he actually wanted to win this one, but on the other hand, he has a secret final-two deal with each of the other remaining players, so it's no big. Nice to be Dan.

"The student has beaten the teacher," Dan intones to Danielle later, and advises her to nominate himself and Ian. Big of him to step up during the week when nominations count the least. And of course, as Dan tells us in the DR, he wants Shane to feel safe so he can control both of them through Danielle. Dan even writes her nomination speech for her and everything.

The nominations apparently happen that very night. Danielle calls the guys in from a bedroom rather than from the backyard (which is presumably being dismantled post-HoH competition) and convenes the nomination ceremony. Only one key in the box now, and to a nation's total lack of surprise, it belongs to Shane. Danielle apologizes to Ian and Dan, saying she didn't have a lot of options while reminding them that they both backdoored her. Ian DRs that he expected it, but they all know the PoV is what counts. Which Dan isn't even worried about winning. "I've pulled a lot of rabbits out of my hat this summer and I'm not done yet." That at least explains why he always has that bandanna on his head.

The PoV, which looks like it was taped earlier today, is a memory puzzle in which players will have to put the faces of former houseguests to clues describing them on a big diagram of a molecule. Unfair advantage for Ian, with his chemistry background? Nah, they have this competition every year, even if it doesn't involve molecules. First one to finish wins, as usual. They all go to their separately walled-off areas with their individual game boards, wish each other luck and exchange quacks, and start when the horn blows.

They rush to uncover their clues while we see them DRing about why and how much they want to win, as usual. It is the most important Veto of the season, as you may have heard. Most of the faces have more than one clue connected to them, but there's only one correct solution, which makes it a bit trickier than it sounds.

Ian is the first to get all his faces hung up, but when he goes to hit the buzzer (which is actually one of those dollar-store touch lights as usual), seven out of his seventeen are in the wrong spots. Not that he sees the highlighted right and wrong ones like we can. Dan, hearing Ian freak out on the other side of the wall, knows he has more time. Shane hits his button, but gets the same number wrong, though not the same ones as Ian. Who takes another crack, but gets it wrong again. He's down to only three incorrect, but he still has no way of knowing that. Danielle, meanwhile, seems to be in vapor-lock at the thought of Ian winning, but on Ian's third try, he's further off than he was last time. And when Danielle hits her button, she's only got two wrong, so it's almost like she's in the lead. Dan's first attempt is a hot mess, and at this point Ian seems reduced to trial and error while Dan is just moving faces from wrong spots to different wrong spots.

Finally Danielle wins it, as is telegraphed by the PoV music ending right before she hits her button. HoH and PoV wins? It's been a good 24 hours for Danielle, no? Don't worry, that'll be ending soon. "Dan, Shane, and I are going to the final three," she celebrates in the DR. Shane seems to agree with that, happily, as does Ian, unhappily. And Dan isn't ruling out the possibility of convincing Danielle to use the Veto on him. I'd tell him not to push his luck, but his luck never seems to push back so why the hell shouldn't he? And indeed, back in the studio, Julie agrees, "With Dan in the house, anything is possible."

After the ads, Julie welcomes us back by asking who's really in control. We're back in the house, watching Ian fidget in front of the memory wall and DRing that it looks like either he or Dan is going home. "And neither of those situations is good for me." One's probably a little better than the other, though, Ian.

M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.

By M. Giant

It's our first visit to the jury house of the season! I was wondering if we'd get around to that ever. Julie reminds us that Ashley was sent there three weeks ago. She spent a week alone with her thoughts, which must have made her feel very alone indeed. Actually, she's been meditating and blowing bubbles, imagining they're her fellow houseguests while watching them die spectacularly in midair. Very Zen. She's still using her dream board, and using it to pull for Frank to win HoH. She's hoping Dan will be the to join her, but of course it's Britney. She tells Ashley about Frank's HoH win, but says Dan's going to win the game. Britney's probably right, as usual.

A week later, they're both expecting Frank, and are not disappointed. When he arrives, rocking both Mike's t-shirt of his kid and Mike's entrance line ("Daddy's home!") Ashley is both disappointed that he lost and looking forward to more making out with him. Frank updates them on Ian's HoH win, followed by Dan's win of the Veto and the promises that he had a unanimous vote to save him and ended up going out 3-1 instead, filled with bitterness and lies. Frank's regretting the three times he passed on the chance to boot Dan. "Including last week!" Britney reminds him, pointing significantly at herself. Britney and Ashley tweak him a little for believing Dan in the first place, and Frank's still bitter about it. So it may not be the best time for Britney to point out that Frank lied to her as well, and then Frank accuses her of the same thing, and it quickly escalates into a shouting match. Britney eventually finds common ground: they both got played by Dan. "It's like a club. It's called the jury house." "We're gonna have so much fun here!" Ashley bleats.

Later that night, they're drinking sangria in the kitchen when Joe walks in like the triumphant loser he is. He tells them about Dan's HoH win and initial nominations of Ian and Joe, and how Ian was replaced by Danielle when Ian won PoV. If nothing else, Joe's enjoying the most attention he's had all summer. Back in the living room, Britney remarks about the general lack of loyalty in the house, which this time Frank loudly takes exception to, claiming to have been unfailingly loyal to everyone he was being loyal to at any given time. Britney calls Frank on his hypocrisy and mocks Frank's utopian version of the game as "Suzy High-Horse." When does Britney start hosting that show? Frank still maintains that honesty and morality should count for something in the Big Brother house, and then somehow leaps from that to accusing her of thinking that if she cheated on her husband and didn't get caught it wouldn't be cheating. Even he seems to realize that was going a little far, since that comment basically cleared the room like an atomic fart.

Dan pays a visit to Danielle in the HoH room. "My dad's gonna be so proud," Danielle tells him. Dan asks her what she's going to do. "What do you want me to do?" Dan: "Make your own decision." Danielle: "Shut up." I love how they're not even pretending any more. Danielle figures Dan is safe even if he stays nominated, but Dan assures her that any time he's nominated after the Veto he's going home. Which may or may not be true, but Danielle's job is to listen to him unquestioningly. Suddenly and belatedly, she realizes she's "in a baaad spot." Dan supplies her a cover story to justify her Vetoing him, but she'll agree only if he promises to save Shane. Which Dan does, even though he has no intention of doing anything of the kind. Danielle threatens to castrate him with a butter knife if she does this and doesn't get to the final two with him as a result. Get in line, sweetie.

Later, Danielle runs this scenario past Shane, telling him she's thinking of Vetoing Dan so he can get rid of Ian. Dan has apparently also convinced her that he's sick of Ian and wants him gone, and she passes this along to Shane, assuring him that she wouldn't do anything that might jeopardize his game. And then he agrees to let her do just that, and they make out, thinking they're going to be in the final three together.

"Are we in for another blindside?" Julie asks from the studio, like this isn't a house full of Stevie Wonders. "Don't. Go. Anywhere," Julie orders. Well, except to text your America's Vote for your favorite houseguest, right?

Coming back, Julie says we're ready for the live Veto meeting and eviction. Ian and Dan are still nominated, and for their pleas for mercy, Ian gets to go first, which is hardly fair to him. But then neither is following Dan. In fact, the only way to even out this matchup would be to castrate Dan with a butter knife. Ian talks to Danielle about the Quack Pack, which is no match for Dan's latest coaching-inspired speech. He says he's never had to compete against one of his former players, but was proud of Danielle for winning PoV and says he's planning to write his fourth book about what a coach can learn from his students. Shameless, this guy. Of course Danielle eats it up.

On Julie's instructions, Danielle takes her spot at the front of the room and announces that she's using the Veto to save Dan. As the only possible replacement nominee, Shane takes his place in the nominee chair by default, to Ian's obvious surprise. Now Shane gets to make his nominee speech. He lies that he didn't expect this, but gives a standard Oscar-style thank-you and congratulates the Quack Pack. He goes on at length to all of them individually so long that I expect Julie to cut him off a lot sooner than she does. Ian's second speech is much shorter but similar in content.

By M. Giant

Julie notices belatedly that Dan's already in position to make his one eviction vote, and Dan makes a long speech of his own, telling them he's been getting blood on his hands all summer, and now he's thinking of the jury house, where there are people who told him he had one shot to break up the biggest thing in the house. And with that, he evicts Shane. Danielle's mouth opens so wide you can see her entire brain as she gives Shane a shocked apology.

Shane gets up and leaves a completely stunned house behind. Dan asks the horrified Danielle for a private word while Ian paces around the living room panting, "Wha? Wha? Wha?" Once Dan and Danielle are locked in the arcade room, Danielle demands, "Why do you continuously lie to me?" Dan claims that he's her coach and says it's his job to get her through, and that this is the only way she could win, and he just locked in Shane's jury vote for her. He's talking fast to get himself out of trouble, which I hope his wife at home is finding very enlightening. We stay in the arcade room watching this confrontation for an unusually long time rather than getting to the exit Chenterview any time soon. Which, to be honest, I'm fine with. This is more interesting anyway.

By M. Giant

When we finally cut to the studio, Julie remarks to Shane about his record-time exit. Shane is shocked, shocked at how Dan went back on his word, and doesn't even know what Dan whispered to him on his way out because he was doing his best to ignore him. Julie asks him why he agreed to be nominated in Dan's place. Shane claims he didn't really have a choice, and trusted Danielle. Who was trusting Dan, again, even though she should have known better. Shane explains to Julie that he just expects other people to be as honest as he claims to be, and concludes, "Dan's just a dirty player." After the highly fraught moments we just saw, Julie has to bring up the main thing on everyone's mind: his showmance with Danielle. Shane says he isn't ruling anything out, promising to "forgive her" for what just happened. Think Dan will officiate at their wedding?

No HoH contest tonight, so Julie plugs Sunday's show and Wednesday's finale (yay!), and then we eavesdrop on the final three. Which mainly consists of Ian still pacing the house like Shane died in his arms, while Dan continues trying to justify himself to Danielle in the arcade room, claiming it was all for her. For once, she doesn't seem to be buying his crap, and is even beginning to poke holes in his story. If she has any self-respect at all, she won't let him off the hook so quickly this time. I'm hoping for at least a half hour.