Rule of Three

S15E01

It begins.

Julie Chen can hardly believe she's coming to you from inside the Big Brother house! I can hardly believe how normal she looks, in a kicky hot-pink party dress. She promises a summer "packed with surprises, both inside the house and out." As well as, she leaves unsaid, those both planned by the producers and not. With that, she steps out of the house and into the studio, which has been completely overhauled into the brightly-lit stage of the game show it's always been. "Welcome to the biggest Big Brother ever!" she calls to the audience that is now at a safe distance. Julie also promises that I'll have the chance to play along this season and have a major impact on the game. Will I really? Okay, I assume she means you, too.

So let's begin the annual ritual of houseguests unconvincingly "discovering" their keys while going about their ordinary, everyday lives in front of CBS camera crews. The first group includes Aaryn in San Marcos, Texas, who "finds" her key inside a cowboy hat like a small, cheap, cardboard sword of Gryffindor. This year's cute young blonde drives around on an ATV and says that her Psychology major at Texas State will give her an edge and allow her to tell when people are lying. Pro tip: in this house, it's generally when people's lips move.

Nick from New York compares himself to an unthreatening Peter Parker who can kick ass when needed, like Spider-Man. He promises to be the hardest working player ever, which is kind of a high bar after Dan. Helen pretends to check her kid's homework in what the subtitles say are Falls Church, Virginia (which is where she finds her key, causing her to jump up and down and forget all about the stupid homework), and even less convincingly pretends to be doing political work in Chicago. Which I'm sure is her actual job, I just don't believe that she's actually doing it at the time the cameras are rolling. She says that Big Brother is no different from any other political campaign. Which I'm sure is true, especially the part where people often vote in ways that make no sense.

Spencer is a ginger bear of a man from Conway, Arkansas, who works as a conductor in a trainyard and despite his "country bumpkin" affect denies even owning a pair of overalls, and promises to do whatever it takes to win. Someone always does.

David is a lifeguard from San Diego, California, and it's hard to tell what's goofier: his face, his blond One Direction hairdon't, or his monologue about how obsessed he is with his body. He apparently spends all his time on the beach, which is of course where he finds his key. Then there's Elissa, who is apparently practicing yoga near the lake in Concord, North Carolina when her sister abruptly screams at her that she's going to Big Brother. Yes, I say that like you should know who her sister is, and that's because you should: it's effing Rachel from BB12 and the winner of BB13. Elissa looks like a slightly more attractive version of her sister, but is going to have a high bar to be as annoying. She seems to be up for it, though. Elissa tells us she's going to keep her relationship with Rachel a secret, for which I don't blame her. "I don't want to be a target," she explains. Oh, right, that too.

Andy is a dorky young public-speaking professor (who got his key at the head of the community college classroom where he teaches) and this season's token gay, who assures us that he has the skills to lie convincingly to anyone. Even Aaryn? And then we're in my own hometown of Minneapolis, where bartender Kaitlin has just fished her key out of the shallows of Lake Calhoun. She confesses to being a little too "Minnesota nice" for her own good, but hopes that might help her in the house. Something I've always wondered myself, on those long, dark summer nights when I sit bolt upright in bed after another nightmare about being one of the houseguests. Occupational hazard.

From Minneapolis, we head even further north to the suburbs of Anoka County, where I grew up. McCrae, whom I also don't know, is a skinny hippie-slash-pizza guy who claims to have no aspirations other than being the best pizza delivery boy ever. He should do well in the house, then. Cut to Staten Island, where we meet pageant coordinator GinaMarie. She vows that she stops at nothing to win, and the shrine in her home to past pageant victories would seem to bear that out. Of course, she's going to annoy everyone else. And then Howard is working the basketball court in Hattiesburg, Missouri, vowing to win at all costs. Jessie is seen playing beach volleyball in San Antonio while wearing a microphone pack, as is commonplace. She's one of those people who goes on about how great she is and then adds that girls are always jealous of her, which is right near the top of the list of well-known code phrases for "I am an asshole."

On to Katy, Texas, where Jeremy lives on a 25-foot sailboat with his tattoos and dreams of sailing around the world. He claims to really embrace his Cherokee side because otherwise this cast would be way too white, as always. Amanda in Boynton Beach, Florida is a "luxury realtor" who claims to always get what she wants. I'm starting to think at least one of these houseguests with such high expectations is going to be disappointed. Candice lives in either New Orleans or Houston (seriously, what is with the establishing shots and the subtitles tonight?) and found out she was adopted at age 26. "And now I have a white family and a black family." I'm assuming there's eventually going to be more to that story that doesn't make her sound like an idiot. Judd is a power-bro from Etowah, Tennessee who claims people call him "J-U-double-D Party Darty." I already hate him and his contentious relationship with vowels.

By M. Giant

Montage of rushed packing, in which Elissa brings a "vision board" (a homemade collage of past winners with herself at the bottom, so clearly she's got her eyes on the prize when it comes to catching Rachel); McCrae brings way too many hats because what better to do with limited luggage space?; David packs his v-necks to show off his pecs; and Howard brings his Bible. They talk strategy and speculate about their possible competition as though they've already met each other, and McCrae drives off in his pizza-mobile, predicting a five-hundred-thousand-dollar tip in his immediate future.

Finally, we're back in the studio, where all sixteen houseguests are lined up in front of Julie and all pumped up to enter the house. She gives them a little pep talk and sends in the first group: Candice, GinaMarie, Judd and Andy. They head into the redecorated house, and superfan Andy gets the first Diary Room of the season, telling us he's excited. Riveting! He ends up rooming with GinaMarie and Candice, the latter of whom Judd is instantly smitten with. They check out the one bathroom together and GinaMarie tests the opacity of the shower door.

group: Elissa, Jeremy, Kaitlin and McCrae. Jeremy starts running around and immediately gets lost because he's used to living on a 25-foot boat. McCrae realizes belatedly that one of these people is not like the others, and it's very much him.

Howard, Helen, Jessie and Nick go in . The place is already starting to look crowded and there are only twelve people in there. Of course, I'm starting to realize that any room with GinaMarie in it is automatically crowded, even if she's alone. She jumps from her bed onto Howard's shoulder in a flying fireman's carry. Elissa DRs that she plans to be the first Big Brother player ever to create an all-girl alliance, which she thinks has never been done (it has). Kaitlin isn't entirely on board, predicting cattiness and drama. "I still think I'm the prettiest girl," Jessie DRs, both unnecessarily and inaccurately.

They settle down in the living room, pop the champagne and go into the introductions. GinaMarie is making an early and not entirely favorable impression with her loud voice and Staten Island accent. Judd makes a short, witless speech about being from a town with two red lights, but David's introduction -- "David. Beach lifeguard. Yeah" -- makes Judd look like Einstein. Amanda bonds with GinaMarie by saying she's originally from Long Island (please don't encourage GinaMarie, Amanda, and that goes for the rest of you as well), Jessie thinks Jeremy looks like Taylor Lautner, and Nick impresses Amanda with his confidence. Helen keeps her career in politics to herself, saying she's a mom of two but doesn't cook or clean so don't expect her to. Way to put that out there right away.

Kaitlin immediately decides that Andy is her "gaymance" for the summer, whatever that is. Jessie announces that she's unemployed (way to claim the leader role) and Kaitlin shares that she's a bartender, which gets her drafted for drink-making duty for the week. Jeremy totally digs her. Howard gives a speech about how his Christian beliefs are everything to him, and even McCrae is impressed with him: "I'm not gay, but if I was, I would tear him apart." GinaMarie annoys conductor Spencer with her train noises and her personality in general. McCrae announces he's a pizza guy from St. Francis, but in the DR, nobody seems to believe it for a second. The pizza part, at least; I don't think anyone doubts that he's what my high school used to call a "Frannylander." Candice tells everyone she's a speech therapist, somehow stopping herself from looking at David as she does so. Speaking of David, he is immediately in love with Aaryn. "I feel, like, a full-on connection right off the back. [sic]" Elissa's introduction of herself as a wife and mom passes without incident, except that Judd DRs that she looks oddly familiar and he's going to figure out why. Judd is on the case, everyone. Finally, the toast, and maybe the season can start. But not before Julie sends us to ads with a tip to use the Twitter hashtag #BB15. On the bleeding edge as always.

After we come back, the strategizing has already begun. Jeremy, Howard and Spencer drift into a room decorated with mustaches (I know). They decide to form a three-way secret alliance right on the spot and take it to the end. That was quick. Later, in that same room, Jessie's in there with David and Jeremy (again) to try to align herself with them. "If nothing else, this is the best-looking alliance in Big Brother history," she says. The guys in the room play into her delusions of target-hood, and Jeremy repeats that this alliance needs to be secret, just like he told his first alliance. McCrae picks this moment to wander in, and he's clearly already been assigned his own music cue: the Clarinet of Awkward. There's not another sound in that room right now, to be sure.

Julie summons everyone from snack time in the kitchen to the living room via the viewscreen. They settle in on the couches arranged in a U so Julie can remind them of two things they already know: there's a Head of Household competition coming up, and the motto of the game is "expect the unexpected," which of course means "bend over." Julie breaks the news for this summer's "twist" -- or at least the first one -- which is that there will not be two nominees every week. Someone guesses there'll be one, like that would work, but after a long pause, Julie says there will be three. Everyone moans in protracted shock and horror. Julie adds that two nominees will still be chosen by the HoH each week, so how is the third nominee picked? Well, Julie will tell them later. But she gives them a hint in the form of a Rachel Reilly quote: "Floaters, you better grab a life vest." Surprisingly, Judd doesn't immediately look at Elissa and say, "That's who you remind me of!"

Even more surprisingly, Jessie shares some actually astute analysis from the DR, which is that the third nominee raises the stakes for the HoH every week by making it possible for him or her to create two enemies with their nominations and still have both of them in the house the following week. Kaitlin observes to the group that this is why the nomination chairs have been replaced by a couch, and Nick DRs that it's "Game on." As someone must before as many commercial breaks as possible.

When we come back, the houseguests are assembled out in the backyard, which is decorated to look like a factory that makes giant popsicles. Hence the powerfully evocative name of the first HoH competition, "Popsicle Factory." It's a simple endurance challenge: everyone will climb onto a "popsicle" -- actually a tall, round, column-shaped pillow covered in brightly colored fabric -- and try to hold on the longest. Last one hanging wins. Elissa DRs that she's motivated to win because she might be the first one evicted if people find out she's Rachel's sister. You want people off that scent, Elissa? Be less Rachel-like. Scrape off the top few layers of makeup, invest in some sweats and scrunchies, and stop talking like a bad magician's assistant.

The popsicles lift up off the padding and start circling the yard like a giant dry-cleaning rack, with Spencer's ass-crack blurred right from the get-go. Judd is the first to drop off after five minutes and twenty-six seconds, claiming in the DR that he didn't want to win anyway. You still could have come in anywhere from fifteenth to second, dude. Howard goes down at 7:17 because the big strong guys, while strong, are also big and thus not as well-suited for these hanging-on challenges as one might assume. He claims to have thrown it as well, so as not to look like a threat. Yes, perhaps now nobody will notice that he is the biggest guy in the house. Candice slides down her popsicle at 7:46, and then the degree of difficulty is raised when a giant mouth starts aggressively drooling on them as they're dangled past it. Jessie is gripping her popsicle hard with her thighs, marking what may be the first time the word "kegels" has ever been uttered on this show. "Never in my life have I wanted to be a popsicle so bad," Jeremy DRs. From the loser-table below, Candice has noticed Elissa's resemblance to Rachel, and remarks on it to Judd and Howard. Judd figures he's made some big discovery but says in the DR that he plans to "keep this information to myself for right now and then I'm going to use it to my advantage," as though he's the one who figured it out.

Time passes, and Amanda falls after a total of 41 minutes and 32 seconds. Then Spencer, 22 seconds later. Then the players start getting sprayed with colored liquid. This seems to give David serious pause, as he does some major soul-searching in the DR about whether it's going to be worth it if all these challenges are going to be messing up his hair. McCrae DRs that this was one of the most intense competitions he's ever seen on Big Brother, which I think is going a little far. I'll admit that it's the most intense one he's participated in. Helen drops, leaving ten players still hanging on. Until Jessie, Elissa and GinaMarie fall as well. Then Andy drops, leaving six. It's been two hours and 14 minutes when Kaitlin falls, leaving Aaryn as the only woman still in the competition. However, she sees that it's hopeless after the ads, and drops out just past the three-hour mark.

That leaves Nick, Jeremy, McCrae and David hanging on. Nick DRs about how he's up against two huge guys and "who knew, the pizza delivery boy!" Julie comes in over the intercom to make an offer to the four remaining guys if anyone wants to bail: there are two lunch pails on a nearby table, one of which contains a "Never Not" pass. While we pause a moment to enjoy the fact that Julie Chen had to say "Never Not" on national television, she explains that whoever holds that doesn't have to be a Have-Not all summer. The catch is that there's no way to know which pail contains the pass. But the guy to drop gets his choice. The guys start encouraging each other to go for it, and as Jeremy chants David's name, the latter finally drops just short of the four-hour mark. Jeremy congratulates himself on his "Cherokee mind game" in the DR (wrong on all three counts, Jeremy), and watches as David opens one of the pails, which turns out to contain a sandwich on white bread and a blank Big Brother card. So bupkes for David, who is now a potential evictee along with everyone else to boot. He invites Jeremy to "pop down, bro," which Jeremy does, now that the Never Not Pass is in reach. Much to the disappointment of his new ally Howard, who expected Jeremy to hang on to the bitter end for the sake of a dude he just met and who didn't bother hanging in there for eight full minutes his own damn self.

So now it's just Nick and McCrae, and the bargaining has begun. Nick asks McCrae for assurances that he's safe this week, and McCrae gladly gives them. That's good enough for Nick, who doesn't want to have to piss people off this week anyway. So he drops, and to the surprise of everyone, including me, McCrae is the first HoH. "Pizza boy's deliverin', baby," he DRs. He claims the key, and seems to have won the respect of some of the other houseguests as well. For the moment, at least.

By M. Giant

We come back to Julie in the studio. Post-HoH competition, she calls everyone back to the living room. So have all those audience members been sitting in the studio for the whole four hours, or did they call in another shift? Anyway, Julie starts slowly revealing where each week's third nominee will be coming from. "Someone in this room," she hints. Okay, good to know. For further clarification, she explains that America will vote every week for a Big Brother Most Valuable Player, who will make the third nomination. The "BBMVP" (and there's the hashtag #BBMVP) will be named in secret, and will also get to name their nominee in secret. In fact, nobody in the house ever has to know who it was. Nick immediately decides in the DR that he wants a piece of that: all the reward, no risk, and no blood on your hands. Julie goes on to explain that America is already voting, based on statements from each player about their planned strategy for the summer. The third nominee will be revealed right before each week's Power of Veto competition. The houseguests seem to take Julie at their word that people are voting based on strategy and not who they think has the hottest-looking headshot.

Aaryn DRs that this was the last thing she expected, "so floaters, get out of the pool." I'm not sure how this affects floaters, specifically. Maybe America loves floaters? She doesn't know. McCrae realizes that he might be more screwed than any HoH in history, and Howard DRs, "It's gonna be a crazy summer" like he's planning to get into a promo. And after the traditional flogging of the upcoming week, the live feeds, and Big Brother After Dark, we can listen to the houseguests speculating on what this all means. It's a regular think tank in there right now, man.

M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.