I just realized, we got through this summer without the houseguests having to pretend to be excited about getting to see some movie so shitty it has an August release date. On the other hand, the summer isn't over yet.
We rejoin the HoH competition already/still in progress. The six remaining non-Frank houseguests are hanging on ropes and standing on tiny little platforms that are circling a big fake sun that's spraying yellow paint on them. Outgoing HoH Frank Diary Rooms that given the tension between himself and Ian this past week, he's hoping for a win from one of his new allies (Jenn, Dan, or Danielle). Jenn DRs that when you make big moves like she did last week (helping get rid of Britney), you become a big target. I think that might only be the case when the moves are plural, though.
Ian DRs that he has to win after Britney's exit. We flash back to Britney's eviction, and Shane tells us that he figured Britney would choose Ian to take to the final two rather than himself, which is why he voted her out. As opposed to Danielle, who isn't going to get near the final two, but Shane figures she can keep him safe or a couple of weeks. Ian DRs about his guilt over Britney paying the price for his moves last week. As for Dan, he DRs that he was much more loyal to one person the first time he played (referring to Memphis, who he beat in a 7-0 jury vote), but this time he has to play much more ruthlessly. Which ended up being bad news for Britney. Then there's Frank, who's still in his carrot costume as he congratulates himself on getting rid of Ian's closest ally, even if he couldn't get rid of Ian himself.
Back at the competition, Joe falls off his rope after a pathetic two minutes. Of course we already know from Thursdays' show that he never made it past the first commercial break. Joe hollers at his kids in the DR for laughing at him, but I don't think it's just his kids. We see Frank in game-show-host mode inviting Joe to open the box containing the punishment Big Brother has chosen for him: "24 hours of hula hoop boot camp." Sounds awesome. Basically all it means is that Joe will have to hula-hoop every time Big Brother plays reveille. Then we get to the part of the competition where the big phallic asteroid comes out for the players to crash into. After colliding, Jenn drops off after five minutes, which was also shown on Thursday's show. It's not any more impressive now.
Dan DRs that he got an offer from Ian to reunite the Quack Pack before Thursday's live show, and a flashback to "5 HRS BEFORE LIVE SHOW" bears that out. Ian DRs that he still feels he can trust Dan, because he's an idiot. Dan goes along with it, but he has to smooth things over with Shane after ambushing Danielle at Dan's "Big Brother Funeral." Which seems to work well enough, and to be sure, Dan seems to be working both sides.
So now the only people still in the HoH competition are Dan, Danielle, Shane, and Ian -- in other words, the non-Britney members of the Quack Pack. Danielle is sent into a spin, and drops out at 34 minutes. That leaves Dan, Shane, and Ian, with Jenn and Frank silently hoping for Dan to win. Alas for them, Dan's done after 42 minutes, leaving it down to Ian and Shane. And Ian's pretty motivated to win, as he demonstrates by spouting physics facts as they circle around the fake sun.
At 45 minutes in, they're both hanging on. And an hour in, Ian is still hosting a symposium on fascinating facts about the solar system. Shane's starting to cramp up, and eventually he asks everyone else to go inside so he can have a private conversation with Ian. Which, as Frank realizes, is all about Shane making a deal. Ian promises to keep Shane and Danielle safe this week, and Shane, satisfied, drops off with one hour and 56 minutes on the clock. Possibly one of the shortest HoH "endurance" competitions ever. Ian's HoH again, and he waggles the key in the DR while talking about how he plans to avenge Britney. Frank DRs that this is his worst-case scenario, and Dan, who made a final-two deal with Frank just a few days ago, DRs, "Sorry, Frank, I'm rejoining my former team because I like them better." And not because one of them just became HoH or anything.
After the competition, Danielle sits in the bathroom trying to get Shane's attention while he's in the shower because he wants to know who Ian's going after. Shane guesses Frank and Joe, for what that's worth, but he doesn't know about Dan. Shane also tells her that he made a deal to keep the two of them safe, and she seems more thrilled about his chivalrous acts towards her than the idea of being okay for a week.
Joe goes to Frank and says Ian may go after Dan for turning on Britney. Frank is encouraged, but DRs that he's not going to betray his alliance with Dan. If only Frank hear what Dan was saying. And if only Joe knew what was actually happening instead of just shooting his mouth off out of ignorance.
Danielle and Jenn, the two remaining women in the house, chat about whether anything's going to happen with Shane. Danielle has finally figures out there's nothing going on between her and Shane, but Jenn says Shane referred to Danielle as his girlfriend a few days ago. Which I totally don't believe, but which Danielle does, primarily because she wants to.
Ian gets to show off his HoH room for the first time, because the last time he was HoH was only for a matter of minutes. Frank DRs about how he wishes he could be happier for him, and Ian confuses everyone by showing off the results of some bismuth experiment he did a few months ago. Ian's a big fan of bismuth, it turns out.
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Ian hosts a meeting of the reconstituted Quack Pack with Dan, Danielle, and Shane, and announces that he's nominating Frank and Jenn this week. Dan explains in the DR that while he swore allegiance to Frank on his wife, bailing on him is what he needs to do to benefit the two of them. Sure, Dan, tell yourself that. I'm sure everyone in the house will agree.
Late at night, reveille sounds, so Joe has to get out of bed and try to get a lit-up hula hoop to whirl around his body somehow. In fact, there's a whole montage of this happening at different times of day, while the other houseguests watch with varying degrees of amusement. Lamest punishment ever. Actually, that's probably not true, because any lamer punishment are ones that I would have forgotten long ago.
Frank, still in his carrot costume, visits Ian in the HoH room. "I'd sweat a little bit," Ian advises Frank. Frank says he can only trust Jenn, and advises Ian to get another person to trust. Like, meaning himself, I suppose, possibly. Frank points out that he had two people he could trust, reminding Ian of how he got rid of both Mike and Ashley without mentioning either of their names. Frank DRs that Ian needs to get over Britney and team up with him. Frank tries to smooth things over with Ian, reminding him that both of their closest allies are now gone. They also talk about how Frank has to skip the HoH competition week due to a punishment he took during the Veto competition last week. Ian seems to be receptive to what Frank's saying. Or at least that's what the editors want us to think.
Frank's week of having to wear a carrot costume is over. He thinks people will take him more seriously now. Only if he gets a haircut.
Ian returns to the HoH room to discover that Pandora's Box is back. After he reads the introductory card aloud to the camera, the monitor shows him video of a Christmas tree with presents under it. Then the second card offers him a chance to have "the best Christmas ever... but remember, with every temptation comes a consequence." Ian pretends to deliberate over it, like anyone ever doesn't open the thing. Which of course Ian does, going inside and learning that all the wrapped gifts under the tree are his to keep. "Thanks, I will," he says.
Cut to the living room, where suddenly the front door opens and in comes goddamn Jessie from Big Brother Every Season Since I Picked Up This Goddamn Show, dressed as a beardless, pantsless Santa Claus, bringing gifts for everyone. It turns out to be a bunch of healthy food, and after handing it out, he heads to the kitchen to confiscate the junk food. Meanwhile, upstairs, Ian is opening a collection of gifts picked out for a junior high-school science nerd. Or, as the case may be, my own kid. The last gift Ian opens is a thousand dollars, information which he plans to keep to himself. Meanwhile, Jessie has moved on into the storage room to stuff more of the houseguests' unhealthy food into his sack, Grinch-style. And then he leaves with it all, going out the front door. "And stay out!" Frank yells after him. Like he ever will.
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Out in the backyard, Frank and Dan talk about their prospects for the week, and Frank says he's been nominated almost every week he hasn't been HoH. "I've seen my key pulled out of the box one time." I think that's even a little high. Of course, Frank thinks Dan is still his ally, which Dan is letting him do just in case Frank survives the week and he needs to flip again.
Dan visits his "best friend, Ian" in the HoH room to check in. Ian is considering taking out Jenn, since Frank can't play in HoH week anyway. Dan doesn't seem convinced, but given that Ian has ruled out nominating anyone from the Quack Pack, that leaves Jenn and Joe. Poor Joe. He does nothing, and yet he's always in the crossfire.
If it's late in Sunday's episode, it must be nomination day. Dan brags in the DR that we saw him host his own funeral and swear allegiance to Frank, but now he's hosting Frank's funeral and swearing allegiance to the Quack Pack. Frank is partly expecting to be nominated by Ian, but partly not. Jenn is still congratulating herself on her move last week, because it was the only one she's made all summer. Ian VOs about how he's always dreamed about loading up the key box, but it's turning out to be a difficult decision.
When he convenes the nomination ceremony, the people who are safe are as follows: Shane, Danielle, Joe, and Dan, leaving Jenn and Frank as the nominees, as planned. Tough decision, all right. Ian tells Frank how much he respects him as a competitor, but he's a huge threat. Ian then says Jenn's a threat after having played a "remarkable social game," which is the best lying Ian's done all season.
In the DR, Frank is philosophical about being nominated again, calling it another day at the office. Ian DRs that his nominations are 99% strategy and 1% vengeance. Interesting how they overlap 100%, then. Jenn says people underestimated her, but she proved them all wrong last week with her "huge move," and she can do it again. Can she spend the whole week talking about it again as well? As for Dan, he's happy in the DR about the Quack Pack being back in power. Probably because he's back in it, after deliberately blowing it up last week. "This fully completes my rise from the dead!" he says. Of course, he still doesn't know about the double eviction that's coming up this week. And apparently, neither does the narrator.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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