Julie's dressed normally tonight, because she doesn't want to distract from the media raves that came in after last night's episode: the New York Post called Dan the greatest player ever, and Entertainment Weekly compared him to Paul Newman in The Sting or George Clooney in Ocean's 11. Even Julie's happier than usual. And as for the audience, they're so excited they're about to lose their collective shit.
So thanks to Dan's genius move this week (for once I'm not using that word sarcastically in a Big Brother weecap), Danielle and Britney are the two nominees. Britney's more coiffed and made up than she's been in weeks, meaning she soon expects to meet Julie. Who in turn asks, "Will another Big Brother great be going home? Or will Danielle's game end?" I appreciate the barely-unspoken assessment that Danielle is not a "great." Bur first!
We come back to Day 52, after the bombshell Veto meeting, as some houseguests exchange shocked hugs. "I have no idea what just happened," Shane murmurs, like that's news. Ian asks the same question in the Diary Room, but coming from him it's rhetorical, because he suspects Frank's onto him. Still in the nominee chair, Britney turns to Danielle and asks if she knew that was coming. "I had no idea," Danielle lies unconvincingly. This is why Dan couldn't warn her what he was about to do. This is why maybe he still shouldn't have told her.
Even Dan can't believe what he just pulled off. In the arcade room, he whispers to the camera, "Getting that Veto necklace from Jenn was my finest hour in this house. I don't know how I can ever top it." Nor does the show.
Ian "blasts" into the HoH room on Frank and Jenn, loaded for bear, as long as it's small, nerdy bear. Frank calls Ian out on working against him all along, and as Shane wanders up to the door, Ian gets kicked out of the HoH room for raising his voice.
Back downstairs, Britney takes a moment to try to calm Ian down before going to see Dan, who tells her it isn't personal and tries to claim he hasn't talked to Frank. Britney asks him to be honest, but he's just mum. Hurt, she gets up to leave, but not before warning him that even though he thinks it's just a game, his treatment of people is going to be important in the jury house. Which it will, once she gets there. Dan makes some lame noises in his defense, but Britney's made her point.
Ian vows to Danielle and Shane that he's going to take his revenge on Frank. Shane asks the most pertinent question on everyone's mind: "Where did Jenn come from?" Which is the most astute thing Shane has ever said on this show, and possibly in his entire life. Shane sympathizes with Danielle for having to deal with Dan for another week, not knowing she's back in with him, and he unhappily DRs that he's now going to have to either vote out his former coach or his best friend in the house.
By M. Giant
Britney's visit is to Frank and Jenn, and she shakily tells them she understands. Jenn claims that she wanted to keep a bigger target in the house, meaning Dan, which Britney should (and probably does) know is an uncharacteristically bold move coming from someone who so far has made zero of them. Frank is a little more direct, accusing Britney of having a hand in Ashley's eviction. Britney sarcastically says she's the Big Bad Wolf, and even as she cries in front of them, she says she's not going to give up, and offers to help them out if they keep her in the house. Okay, that's just sad to see.
Frank wanders through the living room and Shane makes a sympathetic remark to him about the "tough decision" he had to make. Ian points out Frank had several days to make his, as opposed to Ian's own "3.6 seconds" last week. Soon both their voices are rising again, while Dan, still holed up in the arcade room, excitedly listens through the walls to the discord he's sown. Frank's getting the better of this argument, not only calling Ian sneaky but bringing up the fact that Frank told Mike to give his teammates the other two shares of Mike's big cash prize way back in week three. Unable to rebut any of this, Ian finally sputters lamely that Frank will win unanimously against anyone at the final vote. "I've got a carrot costume on and I'm sitting here having a fricking toe-to-toe," Frank finally laughs. One thing about Frank, he doesn't usually let other players get to him (aside from his meltdown during last week's show, that is). Ian should have been smarter than to get into it publicly with Frank. Look how that worked out for Willie.
Julie says there's another Twitter poll connected to tonight's HoH competition, which is going to be another long-term endurance challenge. The vote is whether the first person to lose that competition will receive a punishment or a reward. I know which way I'd vote.
Back in the house, earlier in the week, Britney loudly tells Frank she's not even mad at him, but at the guy in the house who's out for himself, "who elbowed me in the face during the claw machine." Yes, that would be Dan. She mocks the whole Dan's funeral display, and especially herself for crying at it. "Please no one here forget that this guy's already won half a million dollars, but that he's willing to slit people's throats to win it again." Roll your eyes harder, Danielle, I don't think Britney's figured out your collusion with him yet. While Britney goes on at length, Dan himself is inside at the kitchen, so Britney goes inside to direct some of her vitriol to his face. Or at least demand an apology. Dan doesn't have much to say. I admire not only his game play, but his restraint in not reminding Britney that if she'd actually won the PoV competition like she was supposed to, nobody would be in this situation right now. Yes, I know Shane was the other proposed winner, but we all know that was never going to happen.
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Meanwhile, the long-absent Joe and Shane hole up in a bedroom together to share their mutual confusion and trust (well, Joe's trust of Shane). We're reminded that Joe swore allegiance to Shane last week during the latter's HoH reign, and is following through by agreeing to vote this week however Shane wants him to. Shane breaks down the five votes this week: Ian will vote to keep Britney, Jenn and Dan will vote to keep Danielle, so Shane and Joe represent a swing pair of votes. And Joe says it's Shane's call.
So now it's time for the group Chenterview. Julie asks Ian about the mood in the house now, which Ian says has improved, but is more tense than a few weeks ago. Frank just grins out from his carrot costume. Julie asks Jenn about her decision to use the Veto on Dan, which Jenn says was the most "brutal" decision she's made thus far. More brutal than all the other none? Julie then tells Dan that this is the first time she's ever seen someone survive their own funeral. Dan humbly talks about his debt to Jenn for saving him, and even mentions that it's his birthday on Saturday. Julie then calls out Shane for all the crying he did during Dan's funeral, and he makes some lame excuses about getting caught up in the moment. Well, that group Chenterview came closer to actually revealing stuff than I've seen it do in a long time, if ever. Julie signs off with them and reveals that the Twitter poll is currently 48-52 in favor of punishment. I'm disappointed. That punishment percentage should be three times higher.
Julie introduces a clip package with a reminder of Britney's past blindsides. This starts by showing her and Shane talking about how nobody will see her as a threat, Shane reminds her she came in fourth two years ago and might have won if not for the Brigade, but Britney thinks she might have done worse without them. So now we get to catch up with the reunited Brigade: Enzo, Matt, Lane, and that season's eventual winner, Hayden. They've lived to regret screwing her over during Big Brother 12, and are rooting for her this year. For all the good it's doing anyone. Matt reveals that he talks to Britney a couple of times a week and even dressed up as her for Halloween. They mock the Quack Pack (like Enzo's self-bestowed name of "Meow-Meow" was any better) and a few of this season's crop while sitting at a bar. Enzo also disses the Quack Pack's lack of loyalty, like he didn't cut Matt loose the moment he became a liability. But as of now, they're still firmly "Team Brit."
It's the return of the private HoH Chenterview, in which Julie asks Frank about his turnaround on Dan after spending five weeks trying to get rid of him. Frank doesn't tell her anything we don't already know. As for his final-two deal with Dan, Frank says he's trying to build trust, but it might be sincere depending on how things go the couple of weeks. Finally, Julie asks Frank about his current relationship with Ian, and he says he plans to get Ian out week, assuming Ian doesn't win HoH tonight. Or tomorrow morning, as the case may be. "In that costume?" Julie asks archly.
It's almost eviction time, but first Danielle and Britney get to make their speeches. Danielle, dressed like she's not going out of her bedroom let alone the house, stands up and claims that she wants to stay and that Britney will always be one of her best friends. Britney starts with a shout-out to her homies and tells her fellow players that she doesn't have the time or ego to host her own funeral, but they have to go in and vote for their own game. "And to quote a very, very wise old man," she concludes, turning to Dan, "you'll always be Judas to me." And look how that line worked out for Jerry. "It was supposed to be funny," she explains after she sits down. Dan seemed to think so, at least.
He's the first to vote, and forgets to suck up to Julie before voting to evict Britney. He sucks up to his wife instead, which was probably smart. Jenn votes the same way, but without sucking up to anyone. Ian votes, no surprise, to evict Danielle. That leaves Shane, who sadly votes to evict Britney. The whole audience goes "Awww" at this news that Britney's officially done. Joe casts his courtesy vote with Shane and returns to the living room.
Danielle and Britney are holding hands like Thelma and Louise as Julie tells her she's been evicted by a 4-1 vote. She's the opposite of surprised, and makes a quiet exit. At least it's quiet until she comes out into the studio, where it is not quiet at all. While Ian stands alone in front of the memory wall watching her picture go monochrome, Britney gets set up for her exit Chenterview.
Julie's first "question" is a remark about Britney's final speech. She says she can respect what Dan did to save himself, but obviously she's not happy about it. "Is he pure genius or pure evil?" Julie wonders, getting the obvious answer of "both." Britney remains amazed at what Dan pulled off, using a Bible no less. Britney blames part of her current situation on her allegiance to Ian, although she doesn't regret it. Julie remarks that Britney was just blindsided again, even though Britney claims to have tried to remain paranoid about who was talking to whom. "But, you know, Dan's good." Julie does point out that she helped mastermind the eviction of two of the other greatest players and wonders if that means Britney's proven she can play the game. Like Britney's going to say, "Yes, it does!" Julie's question is what happens to Ian and Shane without her, and Britney says Ian needs to chill out, and that Shane's just going to follow someone, whether it be Dan or Danielle. I don't think it'll be Danielle, between you and me. Julie brings up Britney's farewell message to Mike last week (earning Britney even more cheers) and cues up Britney's messages from the houseguests.
Danielle says a distraught goodbye, and Dan is already campaigning for Britney's jury vote, claiming he was in the Quack Pack until the end -- until he had to save his own ass. Shane says he wanted to give Danielle a chance, Ian tells her she's one of the best people he's ever met and vows, "I will get that hairy orange beast." Britney gives her final words of thanks, and she's off to the jury house. Bringing 90 percent of the humor in the house with her.
Time for the HoH competition to start, after Julie reveals that the results of the Twitter poll were 51-49 in favor of the first person to drop out getting a punishment rather than a reward. We cut to the backyard, which is draped with cheesy starscape murals, and where all of the houseguests (except Frank, who somehow always seems to be outgoing HoH even though I know that's impossible) are hanging from ropes around a big fake half-sun on the ground. Looks like it's going to be pretty simple: the last houseguest standing on the disk at the end of his or her rope gets to be HoH. Julie also warns that the first person to fall has to open a box that's sitting to Frank. Whatever she says is lost as a cursing houseguest causes the whole audio feed to drop, but she does tell them it contains either a punishment or a reward, without saying which it is.
Julie starts the competition, which for now just involves their ropes circling around the fake sun, which has begun misting yellow paint on them so Julie can make a lame joke about getting a tan. "Keep your mouth closed," Joe advises his fellow houseguests. Dan: "That's what she said." I'm actually kind of surprised that didn't get bleeped.
When we come back for the final sign-off, there are only five players still on their platforms -- yes, Joe has already fallen off. Julie promises another double eviction Thursday, so I'm glad I get to be here for that. She gets on the intercom with the houseguests in the backyard and remarks on Joe's early elimination (though he doesn't seem to have opened the box yet), and tells them that a guaranteed one-in-six chance at the half-million is worth hanging on for. Cue a big phallic stuffed asteroid being swung into place for them to bang into. "Not looking good for your girl, Frank," Jenn says, seconds before she crashes into it, whereupon she falls off her swing and back into irrelevance. You know, normally these "endurance" competitions endure longer than the closing credits.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.