Slip Slidin' to HoH

S14E17

We rejoin Thursday's HoH competition already in progress, because of how it is likely to be interminable. Danielle reminds us that it's not just a race, but a decision, namely whether each player wants to be the first to fill their large HoH jug, or a smaller jug to win "Safety" for the week, or a third one to win ten thousand dollars. Well, okay, it's a decision for everyone but Frank, who as HoH doesn't get to play; and Mike, who's automatically going for the money no matter what. "Do you know how much, like, diapers and baby food cost?" Mike asks in the DR, decked out in enough bling to put his kid through private school. Frank doesn't appreciate Mike's strategy from the sidelines. So now the players are struggling up and down their slippery plastic lanes, carrying about a half a cup of water at a time. Joe is racing for Safety so he can relax for the week (it would be interesting to see what that's like), as is Dan so he doesn't have to pick a side sooner than he has to, and Ashley is doing the same after Wil's exit left her isolated in the house.

We flash back to Wil's eviction on Day 41, which leaves things a bit tense between Frank and Dan given Frank's temptation to backdoor Dan last week. Others react in the DR to this, which segues, somewhat appropriately, to Danielle and Ian repeatedly taking hard spills during the HoH competition. Ashley's "strategy" is to alternate between crawling and wiggling. As the race continues, Danielle, Shane, and Ian are the only three people trying to fill their HoH jugs. Ian DRs his estimate of the jug's volume, "I'm not a big fan of English units, [but] we're looking at about 500 trips back and forth." He remarks to the others that people with "small, girlish hands" have an advantage in this competition, I guess because they'll be able to reach in further to grab their cork. Which doesn't necessarily rule out Ian, mind you.

Britney and Dan are in a two-way tie for Safety, but Britney's negotiating the slippery lanes relatively easily, putting the pressure on Dan and leaving Joe, Jenn, and Ashley in the dust. After one trip, Britney's about to go back for more, but decides to try snaking her little fingers in there, and manages to come out with the cork. So Britney's safe for the week. Which means Dan, Jenn, Ashley, and Joe are screwed at this competition. It's surely far too late for any of them to switch to trying to fill their HoH jugs and hope to catch Shane, Danielle, or Ian. Or at least that's what Joe figures: "I AIN'T WON NOTHIN'!" he bellows at the Diary Room camera while we watch him lie down in his lane for a while.

Mike mentions that he was a regional speed skating champion in 1986. "Holla! None of you were born yet." Which is exactly why Mike shouldn't be saying "Holla" to them. Joe was, of course, but he's way ahead of Mike on that. Shane and Mike each take a hard fall, and then so does Dan, a breath after making an inspirational coach's speech. Mike fishes his cork out of his $10,000 jug, bringing his total for the year to $16,000 and leaving Frank less than thrilled about the increased likelihood that he'll be nominated again this week. Dan is for once putting his all into winning HoH, passing Ian and closing in on Danielle and Shane, who is slowing down. It's rather amazing to see; usually Dan's trying to lose on purpose. Or at least that's what he tells us in the DR.

After the ads, the rankings for the HoH race are Shane, Danielle, and Dan. Joe seems to be taking the lead in falling, though. Dan's doing cartoon-runs back up to the top of his lane every time, refusing to admit defeat. But Shane's lead is too great, and he wins HoH for the week. Almost everyone seems happy about this: Shane for obvious reasons, Frank because he figures the Silent Six will keep him safe for another week, Ian because the Quack Pack will do the same for him, and Britney because it may be time to ditch the Silent Six. Jenn says something in the DR about it being a bad day for her, but nobody cares.

Later, Shane invites everyone to come up and see his HoH room, assuring everyone that he won't be disappointed if anyone gives it a miss. Frank and Jenn are asleep, so I hope for their sake he means that. Shane's biggest perks are a picture of his dog and a letter from home, which is not far from Mike's spawning-place in New England. "It's like Shane and I are family. At least while he's HoH," Mike smirks in the DR. Jenn with her sore ass makes a belated ascent to the HoH room, but is kindly excused by Shane. Jenn DRs about the problems she's dealing with right now, chief among them being that she has no idea what's going on. Yes, Jenn, we've noticed that about you.

Ian takes Britney aside to talk to her about a conversation he had with Mike just before the live show. We flash back to Thursday, "2 HRS BEFORE LIVE SHOW," in which Mike and Ian were changing clothes and Mike asked Ian who he was going to put up if he won, suggesting Britney or Shane. Ian played it close to his lame homemade superhero costume at the time, but now, after the competition, he quietly brings Britney into the loop. They decide that Shane will need to nominate Frank and Mike this week. Then they head up to the HoH room, where Danielle and Dan are hanging with Shane, which gives them a Quack Quorum. Britney tells Shane that he's going to have to both Frank and Mike and get rid of one of them, even as Shane whines about the risk of the one who stays winning HoH week and coming after him. Britney argues that they need to have the first strike, and Ian backs her up. Dan and Danielle agree that this is the time for Shane to make a move, so the four of them will have Shane's back. The Quack Pack is decided.

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Montage of Joe telling the house tall tales. Because I guess if you're going to talk that loud, you might as well make it good. Interesting facts about Joe include that his family sold the land the White House is on for a mule and a fifth of whiskey, he named I Can't Believe It's Not Butter and HE'S STILL REALLY LOUD.

Joe asks Ashley if she's going to have another date with Frank. She says she hasn't been asked, so Joe prompts Ian to ask her, which he does. Way to have initiative there, dude. We flash back to Frank and Ashley's makeout session the other night, and Ian Rachels, "Ain't nobody gonna get between me and my flirt-mance." It's like he wants people to root against him.

Britney and Danielle help Ian manscape for his date while Ashley watches. "In real life, beautiful women don't hold me down and rub things on my body very often," Ian DRs, quite convincingly. Britney ends up gagging while pulling the equivalent of a dead animal out from under each of Ian's armpits. Is any date worth this, let alone one with Ashley?

Ian ends up making Ashley a pizza in the kitchen, which they sit down to enjoy along with a side of long, awkward silence. And even more awkward conversation. Okay, that was painful. But Ashley at least figures out that she and Ian are going nowhere, while he's still hopeful that he might be a shoulder to cry on for Ashley if Frank leaves this week. And he's supposed to be the smart one?

Shane has a talk with Joe in the HoH room, because Shane is laying the groundwork for making a move against Frank and Mike this week, and he wants to make sure Joe is on his side as well. And of course we all know Shane can count on Joe's discretion. Joe even promises to leave the house before Shane does, because he deserves to win. I think that was a little more than Shane asked for, let alone totally believes.

Oat at the pool table one evening, Mike, Dan, and Ian speculate about the possibility of a second Big Brother All-Stars happening at some time in the future. Ian thinks there will be one, but they'll call it Good vs. Evil. Where are they going to find enough alumni for a Good team, though? Ian sees himself as being part of the evil team, which neither he nor Dan buys, let alone Mike. "If things go my way, Mike's not gonna know what hit him," Ian DRs. Yeah, still not evil.

The morning, while people are heading inside from the backyard, Frank notices a trail of plastic balls on the floor (which Joe totally missed) leading to the arcade room. Inside the claw machine, amid the other plastic balls, is an empty, clear plastic box with a question mark on it. And that's it. Joe reports this to the people still lounging in the backyard, who come running in like the place is on fire. This is of course the most excitement they get most days. Everyone stands around contemplating this half-baked mystery, while Ian immediately concludes that it's a signal for the return of Pandora's Box. Britney decides she'd better haul Shane upstairs and make sure he's still going to stick to the plan, like a plastic box is going to turn the house upside down. Which, okay, it is, because they're letting it. Especially Shane, who's acting pretty paranoid and thinking he might be better off playing it safe. Or, you know, maybe the producers are just fucking with them. Or us. Either way.

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By M. Giant

So now it's Nomination Day. Shane gives the usual VO about "one of my duties as Head of Household," like the HoH has any others. Jenn VOs that she's worried about getting picked off. She'd have to be something other than a nonentity for that to happen. Ian is confident that he'll be safe, being in the Quack Pack with Shane and all. But so is Mike, being in the Silent Six with Shane and all. Britney's hoping Shane will make a move, and Shane VOs about his indecision. When the nomination ceremony begins, Britney gets her key first, having won Safety in the HoH competition. Also safe are Danielle, Dan, Jenn, Ashley, Joe (which is when Mike finally realizes what's up), and Ian.

So it's Frank and Mike on the block. Shane gives a nonsensical speech, while Mike smirks and then goes to the DR to mock the speech. I hate having to agree with Mike. Britney DRs that they ended the alliance, and Frank is heartbroken at this. Shane says he had to move while the numbers were in place, and Ian talks about how excited he is that Mike and Frank never saw this coming. "And I sure hope they never will." I don't know, they might hear about it some time in September. I know it seems like the season will never end, but somehow they always do.

M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.