Julie looks relatively normal at first glance tonight, until you get a load of the multi-tiered necklace she's wearing, which is either some kind of idol to the gods of scaffolding or a mobile uplink to Skynet. Here on Day 41, she reminds us in as many words as possible that Frank is Head of Household, he nominated Joe and Wil (both formerly from Janelle's team), and resisted the temptation to change the nominations to ding Dan when he won the Power of Veto later in the week. She also promises us that "fan favorite Jeff" will be in later to share his opinion on the season thus far. But how will they edit out his ignorant homophobia when he's speaking live?
Back on Day 38, Frank wraps up the PoV ceremony. Dan Diary Rooms that he's relieved not to be nominated, but is aware that he might be seen as a threat ongoing. Frank tells us that nominating Dan would have rocked the boat too much, but Wil yells at us about how Frank "chickened out." Wil's opinion on the matter is of course completely dispassionate and unbiased. He tells us that he's going to play it cool for the few days. First time for everything. As for Joe, after the Veto ceremony he immediately goes to the fridge to pull out treats he made for everyone. Well played. Of course, it's the only play he has.
Afterwards, Britney joins Danielle in the bathroom to fret about how close they came to seeing Dan get nominated, and about the state of their alliance with Frank and Mike in general. When Dan comes in, Britney lets him know he was in danger, and advises him to win HoH. "It's not in the foreseeable future," Dan says, possibly quoting Ian, and then claiming that he's always trying to win. The whole game, maybe, but certainly not individual competitions.
Ashley comes out to visit and commiserate with Joe, but won't even commit to voting to keep him. "MAYBE MEANS NO," Joe loudly informs us in the DR, although it's possible that when Joe says maybe, he actually means maybe but thinks you're really far away.
In the HoH room, Frank sneaks up on Dan, who's napping on his bed for some reason. Hijinks over, Dan tells Frank he appreciates not being nominated. Frank admits that it occurred to him, a tidbit he shares to "build trust." Of course that tells Dan he can't trust Frank, and is going to take him out when he can. As for this week, Frank says he's still leaning toward getting rid of Wil, because he figures that'll isolate Ashley and Joe. Well, Ashley, at least, since Joe's already isolated. And we're about to see how isolated Ashley can get.
Ashley asks Frank for an ice cream date later, right in front of Ian and everything. She DRs that this is her allegedly sneaky way to pick Frank's brain. "And I kinda want to go on a date with Frank, too," she DRs. Dan respects Ashley's move, and points out that she and Ian haven't been "out" since the slop date. "I was gonna make her dinner," Ian says lamely.
Up in the HoH room, there's no ice cream, so Ashley and Frank drink wine instead. And Frank's like, you know we can always make out on the couch. Ashley laughs and brings up Wil, and agrees with Frank's opinion that he tends to be volatile. Meanwhile, downstairs, Britney gets her Chen on with Ian: "Well, you're dumped. What do you feel right now?" Okay, that's it. Fire Julie and replace her with Britney. She's a more direct interviewer and can probably dress almost as crazy.
Upstairs, Frank has just invited Ashley to make out with him on the couch, because (according to his claim in the DR) it actually works for him most of the time, and that's exactly what they do. "I can't believe you just did that," Ashley giggles after a little romantic interlude, as she climbs off from on top of him. In the yard, Britney asks Ian if he thinks Ashley will make out with Frank. Ian admits that he'd be jealous; "I thought we were exclusive." The same thought appears to have occurred to Frank, who says he feels bad about Ian. Ashley seems to think Ian's only faking it, but Frank knows better. Indeed, Ian's fretting about it while playing badminton in the yard with the guys. And Ashley and Frank get back to the kissing. "I wanted to get closer, and we got closer, so it worked," Ashley DRs. Aw, poor Ian. And poor Ashley's mom. She loved Ian.
The morning, Wil asks Shane and Britney and Danielle if they're still making up their mind. And then he floats the idea that there's one big group picking off himself, Joe, and Ashley. None of the others deny it, partly because they're all lolling about in a way that makes a tree sloth look hyperkinetic and partly because it's pretty much true. The problem, as Britney DRs, is that the "Quack Pack" alliance (Shane, Britney, Danielle, Dan, and Ian) does pretty much control this week's vote, but there hasn't been a chance for them all to get together privately and decide what to do. Joe talks to Ian, Shane, and Britney, offering his loyalty and reminding them that he does a lot of cooking.
From the studio, Julie asks us to Tweet our vote on whether we want to bribe the houseguests to quit tonight's HoH endurance competition with either $10,000 or a pass to not be a Have Not for the rest of the season. Yes, I'll get right on that.
After the ads, we go to Schererville, IN to meet Joe's family. His wife introduces herself, and then repeats, "I'M SARAH. I'M JOE'S WIFE." Heh. We see a clip of Joe explaining to Dan by the pool how he met his wife on Yahoo.com, when it was actually her mom communicating with Joe on Sarah's behalf. Which is not creepy at all. The viewing party at Joe's house watches such game-changing clips as Joe getting to (loudly) host a PoV competition, and Mike talking about Joe when he isn't even there. "Mike Boogie is an asshole," Sarah says. I like Sarah. They also bag on Frank's obeisance to Mike, and Joe's son says Joe needs to play it cooler. And "shave that white thing off his face." I like Joe's kids, too. Sarah would advise him to trust his gut (shot of shirtless Joe, which the editors augment with a gratuitous timpani note, like Dan and his Dan-boobs aren't sitting right to him), and "stop yelling in the Diary Room." Which might happen tonight, depending how the votes go.
There's a hero montage of Jeff in his seasons, and Julie reminds us that he won the fan favorite vote one of those years. Now that he's back in the studio, Julie asks Jeff if he'd like to go back in there. Jeff seems ready to do so, even though he says it's nice to be sitting across from Julie while less fired up. Julie teases him a bit like she might actually send him in there, and asks how it's going with Jordan. Jeff says they just moved to Santa Monica, and although he hasn't put a ring on it yet, he has until his birthday, June 5, to make it happen. As for the actual game, Julie asks Jeff about what he considers the biggest surprise, and he calls it Mike flipping the house on Janelle to save Frank. He also says anybody could still win it, but he's rooting for Ian. Julie shares that Jeff's current job is interviewing evicted houseguests on CBS.com, and lets Jeff try out his skills on her. This might actually lead to something revealing. Indeed, Jeff asks her what kind of player she'd be, and she says she'd be a combination of Janelle and Mike. "So no floater for you?" Jeff asks, actually prompting a reaction from her as she scoffs that there would be no point otherwise. "That's why you're here and I'm dotcom," he says. Okay, then. Julie shows us that in the Tweet-vote, the cash prize is in the lead. Boring.
Julie gets on the viewscreen to the living room and tells them that they've passed the halfway point of the summer. All eleven of them clap, but none of them as loudly as I.
Julie decides to give them a current events pop quiz about the stuff they're missing, just for fun and meanness. The questions are who got engaged, Jennifer Aniston or Jennifer Lopez; which country won the most medals in the Olympics, where Dwight Howard was traded to, and a trick question about which of three events (a female NFL referee, the Mars Curiosity landing, the R. Patz/K. Stew split) were true, when of course it was all three. The camera lingers on Ian because the producers are clearly proud to have found a current event he cares about.
Time for the nominee speeches. Wil stands up and starts a fake rant, but says it's win-win whether he leaves tonight or not, because either way he'll be with people he loves, and tells them to make the decision for themselves. Joe and his increasingly towering fauxhawk stand up and say that he's heard a rumor that Wil's been making the case that Joe's loud. "Well..." Julie says. Joe makes a lame joke about learning "human whispering, "and then there's some weirdness about him calling Wil Sharon Osbourne. Julie says he's not only loud but long-winded (she leaves out embarrassing), so Joe finally wraps it up: "Keep it real and I'll keep feeding people." He should have started with that. And ended.
Finally the voting can start. Ashley goes first, and votes to evict Joe. Mike votes to evict Wil, and remembers to add, "Hi, Brady!" Julie leaves the "Quack Pack" vote until after the break, because otherwise there'll be no suspense whatsoever.
When we come back, Danielle kicks off the Quack Pack voting, "sadly" voting to evict Wil. There's this chick named Jenn who gets to vote, and she votes out Joe. Dan takes his Eddie Haskell routine with Julie to the level, and votes to evict Wil. So do Britney and Shane, making it 5-2 against Wil. Ian's vote against Wil makes it 6-2, and he returns while Julie prepares to give the news that Wil's out.
When she does, Wil says something about looking good, then whips off his gray sweatshirt to reveal a red shirt and lets his hair down before hugging everyone goodbye, putting on his captain's hat, and marching out, leaving behind his sneakers and announcing, "I ain't nobody's..." something something. Clearly it's some inside joke because everyone claps, with the (possibly fortunate) side effect that I couldn't understand what he said. Wil comes out of the house and skips down the aisle to Julie while whatever goes on inside the house is almost completely bleeped.
Out in the studio, Julie asks Wil why he's there instead of Joe, and Wil says it's about bigger threats, then remembers that might sound a bit immodest. Julie asks him about his "aloof" meeting with Mike and Frank earlier in the week, and Wil says he didn't want to offend anyone's secret allies. That didn't work out so well.
We go right to the farewell messages. Joe yells at Wil about going against his whole team and adds, "SEE YA, JACK! YOU'RE OUTTA HERE!" Dan claims he wanted to work with Wil to go after Frank and Mike, but his emotions got the better of him. Ashley says she'll miss him, and says he should have kissed more ass. Or more HoH face, as the case may be. Mike actually says he wishes he could have coached Wil, who he thinks could have coasted to the final five just by being the funny guy had his emotions not gotten the better of him.
Julie informs Wil of the existence of the Silent Six ("The Silent Six, puh-leease," Wil scoffs) before dismissing him to be interviewed by Mister Dotcom waiting in the wings.
It's almost time for the HoH competition, but first Julie reminds us that there's still the matter of the Tweet-vote results. She gets on the PA to the backyard -- where the nine non-Frank players are each positioned at the end of a long, slippery-looking lane of his or her own-- and tells them about the competition.
Each player's lane has a barrel of liquid and a small measuring cup at one end, and a big gumball machine at the other that's empty except for one cork. The players will have to shuttle back and forth, filling the glass globe with liquid from the barrel, a half-cup at a time, until the cork floats high enough that they can fish it out through the tiny hole in the top. Which we have of course seen before. But the new wrinkle is that each player also has two smaller jugs, also with floatable corks inside, one marked "SAFETY" and one marked "$10K." The first player to fill his or her "Safety" jug cannot be nominated or evicted this week, and of course the $10K is the temptation that Twitter voted to offer them. Which I still think is boring, especially because Mike reacts like that cash is already his. Julie adds that anyone who wins either temptation is automatically not eligible to win HoH, and as soon as anyone wins HoH, the temptations are off the table. This could get complicated. Julie has to ask twice if everyone's ready before telling them to go.
The competition begins, and houseguests skate unsteadily down their lanes at varying speeds. Slipping on her way back, Danielle tries to use a lane marker to pull herself back uphill to the barrel until Julie says that's against the rules. Someone might have thought of that earlier.
There are clearly varying strategies at play here. Danielle and Ian are going for HoH, while Ashley starts filling her smaller "Safety" jug, which is probably wise given that she's moving at the speed of a jellyfish. Joe's also going for Safety. Probably because he expects to be nominated again this week. And it's not like anybody could have a private conversation in the HoH room with him anyway.
After an ad break, we rejoin the competition still in progress, with Frank sitting on the sidelines in extravagant boredom and the players getting bleeped some more. Julie plugs the upcoming week of shows, which will include a double eviction on Thursday. Finally. Too bad I won't be here to see it.
Julie gets back on the PA, remarking that Mike's the only one going for the cash, while the other eight are split down the middle between HoH and Safety. Jenn calls out that Julie looks great, and asks if she has a sister. Thank you for reminding us of your existence, Jenn. Given the large vessels that need to be filled using tiny cups, we're out long before any actual progress is made. But I'm sure we'll know how this turns out by halfway through Sunday's episode.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.