On the Reservation

S14E15

After the bloodbath that kicked off the season, here we are, officially in the middle of August, and there are still eleven idiots in this house. There had better be a double elimination soon. Or a plague. I don't care which.

You may recall that Head of Household Frank nominated Wil and Joe this week. Wil Diary Rooms that he's been trying not to take it personally all summer. He's ben sucking at it, then. Frank DRs that Wil's attitude is to blame for making him the target, so Wil probably should go ahead and take it personally. And Joe assures us in the DR that he's not going home without a fight. "PACK A LUNCH, AMERICA!" And earplugs.

Post-noms, Danielle tells Dan to look on the bright side: at least Mike and Frank weren't lying about the initial nominations. But they still don't trust them, and hope to play in the Veto competition to avoid being backdoored. By their allies.

Mike and Frank have a whispered conversation about how Wil has to go, for having the temerity to not kiss their asses hard or wet enough the other day. They also discuss approaching Joe for a super-secret alliance, in order to secure his gratitude and loyalty if he stays this week. One of those plans makes sense.

Frank has a quiet talk with Joe in the storage room to assure him that he's not the target, and tells him to be cool. "Joe's like a drunk girl at prom," Frank DRs. "He's gonna make a mess; you just gotta make sure he doesn't throw up on your shoes." Thanks for that sexist homespun wisdom, Frank.

And then Mike assures Wil the same thing, but in this case it's just to fuck with him out of pure meanness. Literally, Mike DRs that it's one of his favorite pastimes. He even suggests Wil pick Mike as Houseguest's Choice for the PoV. In the DR, Wil assures us that he's not buying it. I don't think anyone in the house is that stupid. Even this house.

In the Have-Not room, Britney talks to Shane about his increasingly lopsided flirtation with Danielle, and his concern about getting backdoored, which leads to their motivation to win PoV. The Silent Six are seriously like the shakiest alliance ever.

It's finally time for Frank to ditch his spiritard, with all the ceremony and pomp of people with absolutely nothing else going on in their lives. [Note: Live feed watchers say that Frank often didn't wear it, thus making this ceremony even more underwhelming and lame. -- Rachel.]

Ashley's feeling guilty about her back spasm precluding her from playing in the PoV and saving Wil from the block. Wil tells her not to worry about it. Like she'd win anyway.

By M. Giant

Wil approaches Danielle for a little chat to get her on his side. Which he does by boring her with his life story. The tactic appears to be "I became a teeny-bopper musician due to all the grade-school gay-bashing I endured. Now please don't vote me out." Which actually works on Danielle, somehow, judging by her reaction in the DR. I was wrong to call her a puppet. She's a weather vane. [Note: At least she didn't express concern about Wil hitting on her, like she did with Jenn.]

The PoV players are getting picked. Frank reads from a card that there will be seven players in it this week, thanks to Shane's win of the "Veto Ticket" last week. So he, Frank, and nominees Wil and Joe head to the front of the room for the drawing. Frank pulls Jenn's name from the bag. Joe gets Houseguest's Choice, and since he has no friends, he picks Ashley on account of how she's all gimpy and thus easier for him to beat. Wil DRs about Joe's selfishness in picking Ashley, and then draws Mike's name. Which is exactly what he didn't want. Frank names Ian as the host of the competition. Dan DRs that he's worried about getting backdoored if Frank or Mike win the PoV. Mike did tell Frank it was too early for that. But on the other hand, that was a day or two ago.

Everyone's hanging out in the living room, doing nothing, saying nothing, literally just staring at the walls, when suddenly the telltale hum of fake servomotors emanates from the door to the Diary Room. Mike jumps up like it's a fire alarm, but the slightly more piercing voice of the Zingbot 3000 trills, "I'm baaaack!" It starts right in on them, telling Ashley her smile lights up the room. "Too bad it's the only thing about you that's bright! Zzzing! Z-z-z-z-zing!" Ashley pretends to get it. The Zingbot moves on to making fun of Shane's hot-pink tank top, Britney's loss to the Brigade two years ago ("I'm over it. I'm not bitter," she DRs unconvincingly), before asking Joe what it's like to be the old man of the house. "Oh, sorry, Boogie, I didn't see you there," it zings. Then it zings Ian, the chemical engineering student, for his lack of chemistry with "the ladies," Jenn for being covered in as much bad ink as a gossip rag, and Frank for his "Little Orphan Annie" haircut (the reference is lost on Frank). Danielle gets it the worst, as it zings that Shane's going to give her something at the end of the season: a restraining order. "I hate the fricking Zingbot," Danielle spits through gritted teeth. It's funny because it's true.

With the zinging over, Zingbot leads everyone out to the backyard, which is set up with seven fake lab stations. Zingbot hands a card to Ian, who reminds everyone that the houseguests built Bride of Zingbot last year, and must now extract Baby Zingbot from the "Zingcubator" (a big wall behind him) using "Zingtonium." Where the competition comes in is that each player will have to use the pipes supplied to them in order to thread a line through the six different-sized pylons at each of their stations, from one end to the other. Then they'll have to use a magnet to draw a ball through the pipe to the end of the little Habitrail they've constructed. Whoever finishes first wins PoV, of course.

Before the competition starts, Joe, Wil, and Frank and soon Shane DR about how much they need to win. When the competition starts, Jenn DRs about her strategy of taking all the pieces out to see what she has to work with. You never know when Jenn might say something interesting. I can say that, because I'm still waiting. Ashley, meanwhile, is distracted by a broken fingernail. Her injuries are just piling up, aren't they?

Britney is coaching Shane from the sidelines, while Ian coaches Mike from the host's platform. Britney DRs about how Mike should be able to see the pieces for himself, with his Botoxed eyebrows and all. "Zing!" Danielle and Dan also let loose some weak zingers in the DR.

It's hard to see who's in the lead, with everyone working on different sections of their own puzzles, but Frank gets his pipeline constructed first. He still has to guide the ball through it, using a magnet outside the pipe, which could be trick--okay, he finishes so long before everyone else it's anticlimactic. At least until dry-ice smoke spouts all over everywhere, the door to the Zingcubator drops open, and out stumbles Zingbot's mini-me, the Zingbot 4000, with the PoV medal dangling from one metal claw. I seriously think they put someone's little kid in there. Frank shows off his HoH key and PoV medal in the DR, and Mike gloats as only Mike can. Shane and Dan, on the other hand, both DR that they're worried about getting backdoored. Man, with allies like these...

Dan and Britney hole up in the arcade room to talk "schematics." Neither of them trusts Mike and Frank, Silent Six alliance or no. Dan points out that they'd have to round up the votes if they decided to do come after him, but Britney points out that they already have them, if that's what they want to do. The only question mark is Ian.

Outside, Wil, Ashley, and Jenn sit around the hot tub talking about how Frank has a chance to make a big move, and if he doesn't, something's up. This meeting of the house's major minds then decides it needs to make a plan: approaching Frank and assuring him that they've got his back, whatever he decides to do. Wil and Ashley do just that, and Frank expresses his only concern to them, which is that he might swing and miss at "someone." But Wil runs the numbers and says he has their votes, and even if Ian defects and makes it a 4-4 vote, Frank will break the tie. All this cloak-and-dagger stuff kind of falls flat, however, when stupid Ashley is indiscreet enough to actually mention Dan's name. "I think I said too much," she says, after an awkward pause. Or did she?

Later that evening, Britney dispatches Ian to the HoH room to find out what just happened. Ian reminds us that he's also in the "Quack Pack" with Britney, Danielle, Shane, and Dan (yes, the other four are also in the Silent Six, unbeknownst to Ian. The Venn diagram of this season's alliances would look like a chainlink fence). Ian asks Frank if the plan is still in effect, and Frank cagily says that things could change, especially given certain people who have tried to get rid of him. Namely Dan. Ian does a double-facepalm and says it'll open a can of worms, but assures Frank that he'll vote the way Frank wants him to. Look who's finally learning how to play. Ian argues for keeping things calm this week. Don't overdo it, Ian, or the Quack Pack is going to spill its eggs.

Ian returns to the backyard to report back to Britney and Danielle that Frank may be gunning for Dan, despite Ian's best efforts to talk him out of it. Britney analyzes it in the DR thusly: "You cannot trust Frank. On one hand, he works with Mike Boogie, that's a big red flag. On the other hand, he wears his hair like that in public, therefore has no shame, therefore you can't believe anything that comes out of his mouth." I kind of hope that plague spares Britney. Back in the yard, Britney tells Danielle not to tell Dan about this, because he'll freak out and Ian's cover will be blown, as will be that of the whole Quack Pack. And we can't expose the Quack Pack. It's like the MI6 of the Big Brother house.

morning, Frank and Mike are the first ones up and out in the backyard. Frank tells Mike he still wants to go after Dan, but Mike maintains that it's still too early, plus there will be more opportunities in the future with fewer variables. He adds that they have lots of friends and no enemies, while Frank is still paranoid about Dan coming after him -- and, in turn, the more Mike argues in defense of Dan, what Mike's actual motivations may be. Mike insists that eight people will be after them if it goes wrong, with eight people coming after them. But on the other hand, it'll only be eight Big Brother players, not actual people.

By M. Giant

Before the PoV meeting, Frank reminds us that he has all the power. Dan DRs that he wouldn't blame Frank if he tried to backdoor Dan, because that's what he would do. That's another reason Dan never bugged me; he never takes people's moves against him personally, or even as a surprise. Wil reminds us how he and Ashley pledged their support to Frank, while Mike tells us that Frank needs to listen to him and not rock the boat. Mike prefers to do all the boat-rocking, after all.

Frank convenes the Veto meeting. With lots of high-school debate hand gestures and pauses rather than nominee speeches, Frank announces that he has decided not to use the Veto. Most of the people not in the nominee chairs look pretty relieved. Except Mike, who just looks smug. Frank DRs that he has to pick his battles, Dan happily DRs about dodging a bullet, Wil bitterly DRs that Frank is only good for tacky slogans, and then says, "Watch your back," which is not a tacky slogan at all. Joe screams at the DR that even though he's still nominated he's not going home, and Ian expresses relief that the Quack Pack is good for another week. Well, maybe "good" isn't the right word.

M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.