Joe Versus the Volcano

S14E14

We flash back to Janelle's 8-1 eviction vote, and Joe (the aforementioned one) hollers in the Diary Room, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS HOUSE?" The usual, Joe -- nobody tells the old square white guy what's going on. Of course, he and Mike are the same chronological age, so there's that. Wil DRs that he didn't want to make himself a target, nor did he trust Janelle any more. We see Mike and Frank celebrating, and Mike gloating in the Diary Room like the tool he is. Britney, on the other hand, says she feels horrible about voting out Janelle, but didn't want to go against her alliance. Ashley apologizes to Joe, who waves her off.

Then there's a flashback of Frank's HoH victory, for the second time this summer. Danielle thinks this means she'll be safe, given that the Janelle-eviction she got talked into kept Frank safe, while Joe figures he's screwed as the only person to have voted Frank out. And Dan is interested to see whether Mike and Frank will turn on him and his alliance at their first opportunity. Joe is taking Janelle's loss hard. He's camped out in a bedroom, trying to keep himself calm, when Frank walks in asking for cooking advice. "Do whatever y'all want," Joe says. Frank takes this with the equanimity of a new HoH.

Danielle and Britney sit in the Have-Not room. Danielle tries to buck up Britney, who is certain that Frank's going to win the whole thing, now that they've passed up the chance to get rid of him. "We have to go out there and be happy or we're gonna look like we're sulking," Britney sulks.

Mike quietly talks to Frank about their move. Mike suggests nominating Wil and Joe. Frank suggests putting Dan up against Wil. Mike actually laughs at this, but it causes even his evil ass concern that it might "rock the trust of the group." On the other hand, anyone stupid enough to trust Mike in the first place deserves what they get.

Still in his spiritard, Frank shows off his HoH room, which includes pictures of himself that Wil finds ogle-worthy and a NASA hat that Ian ogles even harder. He reads a letter from his Nana. You know the drill.

Wil and Ashley are in the backyard, experiencing a little buyer's remorse over getting rid of one of the few people who were on their side. Joe comes out to join them, and I can't imagine he's going to be terribly sympathetic. Especially because nobody told him what was going to happen. Wil DRs that there were two reasons he kept it to himself: Joe has the biggest mouth in the house, and also leaving him out to dry makes him a bigger target than Wil. Neither of which he can say to Joe's face, of course. Ashley just vaguely says something about Janelle playing a dirty game, but then nobody expects Ashley to make any sense anyway. And Joe says that in any case, the two nominees are going to be some combination of the three of them. And probably not Ashley.

Meanwhile, Shane, Frank, and Ian hang out inside and have a fratty conversation about sex dreams and how much they miss looking at Jojo and Kara. But not Willie so much.

Danielle talks to Shane about his reluctance to get any kind of showmance going on with her, especially in private. Danielle claims in the DR that she's a catch, and Shane's going to lose her if he doesn't shape up. Danielle, there's a book you should read.

In the HoH room, Mike and Frank talk with Dan. Everyone agrees that Joe is the obvious target this week, but they speculate on the idea of nominating a member of the Silent Six in order to keep the alliance secret. Now if only someone will volunteer to be a pawn, and if only it's Shane. Mike and Frank mention Dan himself, supposedly joking, but kidding on the square. In the DR, Dan is dead serious as he says he doesn't want to be the pawn. "You don't trust your alliance, huh?" Mike goads Dan. Not when you're in it, Toolshed.

Big Brother calls Danielle to the DR early in the morning while she's still asleep. Mike and Britney chat about her outside, and when Britney talks about how Danielle must have to get up early for her job as a "kindergarten teacher," Mike says he suspects Danielle is a medical student or a nurse, based on her mentions of medical stuff. [Note: Britney points out that Danielle calls Advil "naproxen," which is hilariously obvious. -- Rachel.] Britney thinks Mike's theory makes sense, except for how there's no reason anyone would lie about that. Which is of course exactly what Danielle did on Day 1. Britney is giving Danielle too much credit. I bet people do that a lot.

Ashley is suffering from a back spasm that makes her almost completely immobile. Mike and Dan have to physically carry her to the bathroom. Which she loves. I think if I were in that situation, I'd be like, "Oh, this side is suddenly better. Mike, I think Dan and I can take it from here."

With the coaches thing over, the Have/Have Not competitions are of course back. Given Ashley's condition, she's offered the choice of competing on her own behalf or letting Frank (who as HoH is exempt) get her whatever he can, and she opts for the latter. The teams will divide themselves into green and yellow teams. Ian's aggressive for once, diving on the stack of bandannas and thus ensuring himself a spot in the green team with all the guys.

Outside, the backyard has been upgraded with a big pool of yellow liquid (I think we're supposed to think of lemonade rather than urine), two ramps, and players dressed up as giant lemons or limes. Each team also has one member dressed as a farmer (Jenn on the lemon team, Frank on the lime team) whose job will be to squeeze the players' costumes out on the ramps, into hoses that feed large jugs. Each jug is labeled with the names of the opposing team members, and the team that fills the other team's jugs first gets to be Haves for the week, while those whose jugs are filled will be Have-Nots. [Note: Sound familiar? It is.]

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The competition begins, and there's a lot of jumping and squeezing and flailing (and, in the case of the green team, filling up their mouths and spitting, because this isn't disgusting enough already). Soon the weight of the juice in the giant sponges starts to tell on tiny little Britney and big doughy Joe. "We're fricking lemons in yellow jumpsuits," Danielle DRs. "Life is not that that bad." Danielle moons in the DR about this being the most action she's gotten from Shane yet, as we see them squeezing each other on the ramp. "Get a room," Britney DRs. The yellow team is catching up, mainly because the green team has a kink in their hose that they don't know about. Frank quickly fixes it, and they pass the lemons up again, and finish first. And thus Shane, Danielle, Britney, and Joe are the Have-Nots for the week. When they return to the house, their extra Have-Not items for the week are candy canes and cod. Looks like Joe will have a chance to prove his ability to make even slop taste good, even if it's only for a few days.

But first, Joe visits Frank in the HoH room trying to convince him "THERE'S BIGGER FISH TO FRY IN THIS HOUSE." Codfish, to be exact. Joe points out to Frank that he's alone in the game, and hopes Frank will acknowledge Joe's loyalty, compared to that of his teammates. And then he throws Wil under the bus. Way to prove your loyalty there, Iron Chef.

Shane, Dan, and Mike play pool basketball, until Mike belly-flops onto the floating net it and breaks it because he's so awesome.

Wil visits Frank and Mike in the HoH room, basically to give them permission to nominate him if they want to. Frank asks Wil who he wants gone after Joe. Wil speculates that there's "a large group of people working together," and thus doesn't want to answer the question. So that's a pretty direct accusation right there. [Note: It also doesn't hurt that apparently a DR got leaked and every single person in the house heard about the Silent Six's plan to evict Janelle.] "Well, it's good to be in the know," Wil finally says, and leaves the room having given them no reason not to nominate him and a really good reason to do so. Mike is annoyed by Wil's cocky, brash behavior, because Mike would never act cocky or brash. Frank still wants Dan out for coming after him last week, but Mike is still worried about blowing all their trust in the house, and thinks it's too early. "When you make a run at somebody like that, it has to be definite," he warns. Frank DRs that he has to do what's best for him, but Mike agrees that neither of them would be able to beat Dan in the final two.

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Frank stands before the memory wall in his spiritard on Nomination Day. Joe yells in the DR that he knows it's his time. Dan is nervous about having to trust Mike and Frank, and is worried that he or Danielle might get nominated. Wil basically DRs, "Whatever." Mike talks about the "developments" that have led to a new potential target, meaning Wil, but is worried about Frank's talk about nominating Dan. Frank VOs that one of his nominees isn't going home week, so he has to make sure it doesn't come back to bite him.

He calls the nomination ceremony, and the people who are safe this week are Britney, Danielle, Shane, Ashley, Jenn, Ian, Dan, and finally Mike. He had me going at the end there. But the nominees are Joe and Wil, as planned. Frank tells the room that Joe was the only one to vote to evict him, and Wil told him a "big ol' fib." Wil complains about hypocrisy in the DR (news flash, Wil: that was a cover story), and Frank DRs that Wil can take his community theater bit back to Kentucky.

Dan DRs that he's actually surprised to not be nominated, though not as offended as Mike was last week. As Dan points out, "You cannot trust a man who calls himself Boogie, bottom line." Joe hollers in the DR, "THIS CHEF IS NOT DONE COOKING YET! REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED COLD." So are you cooking or are you serving it cold, then? For the sake of his professional life, I hope he mixes ingredients better than he mixes metaphors.

M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.

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By M. Giant