Do we really need previouslies? The whole game restarted on Thursday when the coaches jumped in, meaning we all wasted our July. More than usual, I mean.
We rejoin the de facto first Head of Household competition, with twelve players where once there were eight players and eight coaches. They're all undergoing a long endurance competition, hanging on uncomfortable little platforms on the side of a fake ship, through wind and tilts. As for the coaches getting dropped into the game, that development has thrown the players for a loop -- and Mike as well, as we see them telling us in the Diary Room. But it's saved the network a hundred grand, which is why it was a fait accompli. During the competition, Janelle quietly asks Britney if she pressed the reset button, and Britney lies that she didn't, even though Mike was the only former coach who abstained. Britney DRs that she didn't think she had much of a chance of making it to the end with one player, we see that Dan told the DR he'd leap at a chance to get back in the game, and Janelle says, "Duh, I want to win Big Brother!" But Mike was happy with his chances at winning a hundred thousand, but now he might actually have to try.
We see that on Thursday night, while the players were being rushed to the backyard for the HoH competition, Dan whispered to Mike that the plan was to vote Frank out. Which throws Mike, but Dan tells us that told Mike in order to build trust with him. What could go wrong? Also, Dan claimed to Britney and Janelle that he didn't remember if he pressed the button or not (not that either of them believed him) and Janelle also claimed not to have pressed the button so as to maintain her image as a reluctant player. Which I'm sure will fool everyone.
Twenty-five minutes into the competition, everyone's still in, and Mike wails, "I hate you, Dan!" He's the only one who hasn't denied pressing it, after all. Britney whispers to Mike that the other players are going to come after the coaches and it'll be eight against four. And a moment later, there are fake seagulls flying overhead, spattering them all with fake poop.
Mike, who is already crabby about going from coasting to a hundred grand to hanging on the side of a pirate ship covered with crap, is the first to jump off after an hour and ten minutes, claiming it's to show he's not as much of a threat as they think. It looks like Jenn's going to be going down , and indeed she ditches at an hour twelve. Joe goes down a minute later.
The punishment continues for the other nine, with the tipping and the raining and the cold. Ashley takes a tumble after an hour and 51 minutes. Dan jumps off four minutes after that, claiming as always in the DR that he's still sticking to his strategy of looking weak, but of course Wil isn't fooled at all. "Nobody saw that one coming," he DRs sarcastically.
Frank doesn't last much longer, at his size, and drops after 2:13. Mike has a private talk with Frank after that to warn him that there are people he shouldn't be trusting that he thought he could. After hearing this, Frank DRs that the only person he can trust is Mike. Which I would think is worse than trusting nobody.
Of the six remaining players, Wil looks over at Shane with his pained moaning and hollering, and then at Danielle, who looks good for another hour or two. Wil and Shane agree to go at the same time, so they're both out of it at two hours and 43 minutes.
That leaves just Danielle, Britney, Janelle, and Ian. Janelle decides she can't outlast Britney, who she thinks she's friends with again anyway, and jumps off at 2:49. And we leave the other three hanging through the ads.
We come back from the break with two hours and 52 minutes on the clock. Shane promises to give Danielle another kiss if she wins. How sad would it be if she won now?
Ian, who's starting to wear out, offers Danielle and Britney a deal. Hearing this, Dan gets his coach on and walks over to buck Danielle up big time. Which seems to work.
While most of the eliminated players are watching the final three, Jenn notices that Frank and Mike are suddenly absent. That's because the two of them are in the house so Mike can tell Frank that the votes were lined up to get rid of him and they can't trust anyone. They cement their alliance while Ian gets Danielle to promise he's safe, and jumps off at three hours and fifteen minutes. Britney confirms the same with Danielle, says, "Love you," and steps down.
Danielle's HoH, and Dan jumps back into the water and lifts her off the boat, probably because she's unable to move at this point. Shane kisses her while she's still lying in the water. "Maybe I should start winning more often," Danielle DRs. Sure, why not?
Britney comes into the house, telling Frank and Mike that Danielle won it. Mike DRs that he'd almost be insulted if he weren't nominated, "But I'm certainly not sucking up to this girl that I just learned her name three days ago." Okay, good luck with that, then.
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After the HoH competition, Dan is not happy to learn from Mike that he already spilled to Frank without giving Dan a chance to explain the whole story. Why wouldn't he, Dan? Shane, meanwhile, complains to Danielle in private that his HoH was pointless. Danielle's happy to be the first woman in the house to win HoH this season, and she's already gunning for Janelle.
Britney walks into a bedroom, where Mike and Frank tell her that apparently there was a plan to boot Frank this week. Britney plays dumb, but she wants to know who shot their mouth off. She goes and tells Shane that they need to get their stories straight with Danielle and Dan -- the latter of whom squealed on them in the first place. Britney goes back to Frank and Mike and says Shane knew nothing about it. Then she checks in with Dan and Danielle, and Dan admits that he screwed up telling Mike. Danielle and Britney have no idea what to say to him, because when someone in the Big Brother house admits to a mistake, it's a curveball on the order of the house's gravity no longer working.
Danielle invites everyone up to her HoH room, and of course Mike's a giant sourpuss the whole time, just as he promised to be. As Danielle opens the letter from home, we learn that she never told her parents she was doing this at all, figuring she didn't need their nagging. Lovely. Oddly, reading the supportive letter she got from her mom doesn't seem to make her feel shitty at all.
Later, it's Danielle, Dan, Britney, and Shane up in the HoH room, because the old alliances apparently haven't dissolved yet. They talk about threats in the game, and Shane thinks it's Frank and Mike. Danielle's thinking Frank and Janelle, because she's got it in for Janelle, while Britney agrees that Janelle is dangerous, as are Wil and Janelle again and Mike. But Dan DRs that if another ex-coach gets evicted, he himself becomes a bigger target. Dan pitches a plan to nominate Wil against Frank to get rid of the latter, and the little council seems to go for it, unaware of Dan's secret coach-protecting motives.
Britney and Danielle talk to Wil in the storage room and ask who he wants to get rid of. Wil's like, "I don't know, who do you want to evict?" Wil reminds Danielle that she promised to keep him safe during the HoH competition. Which she had totally forgotten, and which puts her brain into total vapor-lock as to her move.
At night in the backyard, Ian parks his ass to Ashley and tries to get his schwerve on, which is already doomed even before Shane comes out and starts lifting weights with no shirt on. Don't blame Shane for Ashley's lack of interest, Ian. That's just gravy.
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The morning, Frank and Mike are out there looking hungover despite not having done any drinking. Mike, in fact, doesn't seem interested in playing the game in any way at all, preferring to wallow in his crabby mood. Indeed, he and Frank discuss making the strategic move of going to Danielle and telling her how much she sucks. By all means, Mike, go do that.
Up in the HoH room, Dan is still coaching Danielle, advising her to nominate Wil and Frank to get rid of the latter. Danielle points out that this could go seriously pear-shaped if Mike wins the Power of Veto, saving both himself and Frank. But Mike still has his secret coach-protecting strategy in place, and makes a case for keeping them all out of it rather than giving Danielle permission to panic over worst-case scenarios. Danielle is torn, and asks Dan what his gut is telling him. At least she isn't asking Shane's tongue.
It's finally Nomination Day, after what seems like forever. Wil is irritated that he had to remind Danielle of her deal, Dan is still hoping the coaches will be safe, Mike DRs that he's so awesome he'd be offended if he weren't nominated, and Frank figures Danielle will want to get rid of him after failing to do so last week. Danielle quotes Peter Parker's Uncle Ben about power and responsibility and says she needs to guarantee that her target goes home. She convenes the nomination ceremony, and hauls the giant key box out to the dining room.
There are a lot more keys in it this week, one can't help noticing. Keys start coming out, and the people who are safe are Britney, Ian, Dan, Janelle, Jenn, Shane, Ashley, Joe, and... Mike, whose key reads "Boogie." HATE. So that's Wil and Frank on the block. Danielle says it's nothing personal, and that she hates doing this. That's all she has to say to the group.
In the DR, Wil bitterly says that Danielle's word doesn't mean jack shit. Danielle assures us that Wil is only a pawn and Frank has to go. Mike: "Do these people know who I am? I am thoroughly insulted that you would give me my key." And Dan DRs that his plan to keep all the former coaches safe is in effect, and Danielle still trusts him. As for Frank, he says he's been dodging bullets and promises to be back week, "Guns a-blazin." And over the credits, we see Wil giving a crying Danielle a comforting hug in the HoH room, so I guess that's all patched up.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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