Secrets and Allies

S14E08

During the replay of JoJo's eviction from Thursday, Danielle says she's been testing fate since day one; Frank considers his HoH reign a success, what with getting rid of two other people last week; and Shane says it's him against the house now. Well, him and Britney, who says she's gone from three players to one in only a week. And Wil sasses JoJo a farewell from the Diary Room, apropos of nothing.

Then there's the replay of Shane winning the HoH on Thursday. Frank calls that development "bittersweet," given that he's been talking deals with Shane. Joe, however, calls it a "TOTAL BUZZKILL...I'M IN FOR SOME TROUBLE THIS WEEK!!!" So are the foundations of the house if you don't dial it back, Shouty.

With JoJo gone, Shane now feels free to concentrate all his flirting on Danielle, who's only too happy about it, especially now that he's HoH. Wil DRs, "I'm screwed. Get me some camouflage, folks." Like that's his thing. Mike, on the other hand, is perfectly happy, what the secret deal he and Frank made with Shane. His only problem is that now he has to pretend to be upset for the benefit of the other people in the house.

Meanwhile, Britney's going off to Ashley about how there are going to be some scores settled. "It's kind of scary," Ashley DRs, which, given that Ashley thinks everything is wonderful all the time, means it's actually kind of terrifying.

Shane invites everyone to his HoH room, and Danielle twits that she might be spending a lot of time up there this week. Oh, have some self-respect, girl. Shane is happy to go from two weeks of being a Have-Not to the HoH room. After the initial (simulated) excitement of seeing the room, everyone settles in for a nice, long, awkward silence, broken only by Shane's offering everyone snacks from his stash. In the DR, Britney mocks the entire house for nobody wanting to be up there, but also not wanting to be the first to leave. We never do find out who it is.

Downstairs, Joe figures that he and Wil will be Shane's nominees this week, in revenge for Janelle's abandonment of Britney. As for Janelle, she figures she needs to patch things up with her former ally. Good luck with that.

Up in the HoH room, Britney jokes that her kid (Shane) and Dan's kid (Danielle) are dating. With the four of them up there, this conversation about the birds and the bees soon segues to Britney's suggestion to nominate one person from each of the other two teams. Britney suggests Frank and Wil, but Shane still isn't ready to nominate Frank, and he tells the room as much. Shane DRs that nobody knows about his secret alliance with Frank. At this rate, they might just figure it out soon. Or at least normal people would.

Joe has decided to make up a "ROYAL BREAKFAST" for Shane to keep himself off the block, and is busy in the kitchen whipping something up one morning. Mike DRs about these "new depths of patheticness." And then Joe goes up and wakes Shane up with the breakfast tray. Just what Shane wanted.

In the kitchen, Mike asks Ashley, "Are you kind of a hippie chick?" There are those keen observational skills that have served Mike so well. Ashley gamely talks about her "dream board" and how it makes things she wants come true, if she puts them on the board and believes in them. "If my three players could play against her in the final four, that would be my dream board," Mike DRs.

Just to really narrow his options as much as possible, I guess, Shane has Frank up to the HoH room to promise he won't nominate him. All he wants in return is Frank's vote to evict Wil, which Frank is only too happy to help organize with his team. What could go wrong?

Time now for the annual "coming out" story, which this year comes from Jenn, talking about coming out to her supportive parents and all. And Danielle happily steps into the role of the ignorant red-stater whose eyes are opened to the fact that just because there's a lesbian in the house doesn't mean she'll be hitting on you all the time. Of course, Jenn does say that she only dates smart girls, so Danielle would have been safe from her no matter what.

Cut to Danielle trying to talk Shane into flipping the house... by nominating Frank. Shane's still resisting the idea. "Am I missing something? Could putting Frank up be the right thing to do?" Shane DRs. He and Danielle make a final-two deal, which I'm sure will happen except for the "final" part.

Time for the coaches' competition. Wearing shorts and a crop-top, Shane calls the players out to the backyard, which is made up as the Big Brother Gym, with odd-looking exercise machines lined up in groups. The coaches come out in ridiculous workout-wear of their own. Reading from the card, Shane explains the game: in each round, the coaches will compete on the machines, doing as many reps as possible in a specific amount of time. For a moment I wonder how they're going to keep score without producer assistance, but then I see digital counters up on the wall behind each machine. Shane says the coach with the least reps in each round will get eliminated, but will be allowed to open one of three lockers that are standing off to one side.

As the coaches get set up, various players talk about how high the stakes are, but it's all forgotten as soon as the horn sounds and they begin frantically doing pelvic thrusts on some kind of no-hands rowing machine. I can't believe they're showing something like this during the family hour. While this is going on, Dan DRs that he's not throwing this competition for once, since one of the other coaches might decide to trade Danielle "for one of their losers." Like there's any risk of that whatsoever, but I suppose I'm glad Dan's happy with the loser he already has. Janelle is in the lead at first, but Mike pulls ahead and wins the first round. Unsurprisingly, Britney is in last place. "Come clean out your locker," Shane invites her. She's hoping for a cash prize, but all that's in there is a dirty gym sock reading "slop" and instructions to pick two Have-Nots for the week. It's Ian, who is volunteering once again, and Britney muses, "and then someone who hasn't been it... Joe." That's Ian's third week as a Have-Not, as he explains in the DR that part of his strategy is to take punishments for other people so they won't have to, and will keep him around. The scapegoat gambit, I guess.

Dan, Janelle, and Mike move on to the "machine," in which they have to stand between two rails and hit buttons on each side with their hips. Frank compares it to an eighties music video, and there's some slo-mo that I really didn't need to see. Mike, who Ian refers to in the DR as "an older gentleman," comes in last and still somehow gets a cash prize. It's ten grand, but the wrinkle is that it's divided into shares of $6,000, $3,000, and $1,000, and it's up to Mike who gets which share. Of course he takes the six thousand for himself, and when Frank points to his teammates, Mike gives Ian the three thousand and Jenn the one thousand. Looks like the scapegoat gambit is paying off already, and Ian's actually moved to tears. He is a starving college student, after all. But he has to hug Mike Boogie afterwards, so it's not like he's getting that money for free.

The last round is a device where Dan and Janelle will have to compete to do the most reps on a machine that exercises their tongues. And if you thought the hip machine was gross? We get to see Dan's short little tongue matched against Janelle's "motorboat" technique, and of course Janelle wins it. So that will probably make the plans discussed earlier in the episode totally irrelevant.

Dan gets his consolation prize, which is a private sushi/cocktail party for himself and five other houseguests. Enjoying his moment just a little too much considering he didn't actually win the competition, Dan starts by inviting the other coaches (explaining in the DR that he doesn't want any of them off making deals), and adds HoH Shane for sucking-up purposes (like Danielle's in any danger), and finally his own one remaining player, Danielle. After Dan's whole celebratory speech, it's easy to forget that Janelle is the one who actually won the competition. Shane asks her who she wants to trade or save. Once again she's not trading anyone, and the person she's decided to save for the week is Wil, who was Shane's main target. "Now it changes everything," understates Shane, who is going to have a much harder time coming up with excuses not to nominate Frank.

After the ads, the players return to the house to find cereal and salmon on the table, which is a callback to Mike's argument with Willie in which there was random mention of salmon and Froot Loops. "Way to go, America. Glad to know you're paying attention," Mike DRs. That makes one of him.

Janelle and Joe come to see Shane and Britney in the HoH room, basically so Joe can throw himself on their mercy. Janelle admits that it's "awkward" dealing with Britney after last week, so she expends a lot of air sucking up to Shane instead, while Britney watches all resentful that nobody seems to even acknowledge her presence.

By M. Giant

But Mike isn't done, so he and Frank go up to propose nominating Ashley and Joe from Janelle's team. Like Shane would be that obvious. Britney says they still want to put up one person from each of the two remaining undiminished teams, to prevent a renewal of the Mike/Janelle alliance after this week. Mike and Frank claim that won't happen, which Britney says in the DR she doesn't believe. While they're still debating, Shane is called to the DR for some reason. Better be good. Mike and Frank are dismissed, and Britney and Shane have a rushed, private conference in which Shane agrees with the idea of nominating two of Janelle's players, but Britney is still pushing Frank and Joe. The voice calling Shane to the DR is somehow getting more urgent even thought it's prerecorded, and Shane leaves a stressed-out Britney wondering what he's going to do. You know America's Vote on whether the coaches should give up coaching? I think maybe one of them already has.

By M. Giant

So now it's Nomination Day. Frank DRs that he trusts Shane, but doesn't know if it's Shane or Britney making the decision, so he's still worried about being nominated. Wil DRs a fake phone call home, saying, "I'm here another week! You'd better feed the cat!" Joe bellows in the DR, "IF SHANE HAS ANY BRAIN AT ALL IN THAT JOCK HEAD OF HIS, HE WILL GO AFTER FRANK!" Shane himself says his big decision is whether to listen to his coach or stick to his word. Mike admits in the DR that he's a little concerned for his team, given Wil's immunity.

Finally, Shane calls the players in. In addition to Wil, the players who are safe this week are Jenn, Ian, Danielle, and Frank, leaving Joe and Ashley as the nominees. Shane makes the (rather lame) excuse that there's only one coach left who didn't know what it was like having any players on the block, and wanted to show Ashley and Joe how it feels to be up against a teammate, like he was last week. Yes, THANKS TO FRANK.

Ashley weepily says she doesn't trust anyone in the house. "I didn't think it would be this hard," she sobs. Did she just get de-hippied? Shane DRs that he's putting his faith in Frank and Mike (which is half of the stupidest thing I ever heard), and Janelle vows that she's going to fight to keep all her players. Frank DRs that he now knows he can trust Shane, and they'll have each other's backs for the rest of the game. Joe actually uses a normal voice to swear he'll get Shane out of the house if it's the last thing he does before leaving. I guess for Joe, that's what passes for quiet fury.

M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.