Julie, whose red-and-white abstract/floral patterned dress looks like she's sustained multiple gunshot wounds, tells us that it's only day 21, but three houseguests are already gone, and one coach is hanging by a thread. Well, my mood is improved already.
After previouslies, and a recap from Julie, and a replay of the Veto meeting in which Danielle joined JoJo on the block, Danielle throws herself a pity party in the Diary Room. Frank DRs that it's too early to start turning on his own people, by which he means Mike's and Janelle's. And JoJo says she plans to make sure everyone knows the reason she should stay in the house. Her permanent duck-face?
In one of the bedrooms, Dan tells Danielle that he was only pretending to ditch her to motivate her, but since that didn't work, it's on to plan B. Which should have been plan A.
Meanwhile, Shane assures JoJo in the Have-Not room that he's there for her. Ian comes in and they turn out the light, and in the infrared camera, JoJo and Shane commence flirting shamelessly. Ian puts the kibosh on this by saying he's been told he's too heavy on the tongue, which seems like a socially maladjusted thing to say, because it is, but sometimes -- like when you want to get to sleep already, on your curved, slanted, metal platform -- a conversation-killer is exactly what you need.
The morning, Ian tells Danielle about the flirting. This is news to Danielle, who assumed Shane was into her. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned," she DRs. So this towering rage is expressed in the form of her joining Janelle and Ashley in bed so they can make wisecracks about how skinny Shane is. Ashley even uses words like "emancipated" and "introverted" to describe him, because it wasn't get fully established that she's not just spacey but an actual moron. The three of them giggle about that for a while, and then Danielle tells the other girls about Ian's report on Shane flirting with JoJo. Janelle, who after all has some pretty bitter experience with showmances, she decides that JoJo might need to go. Which I would say is exactly how Danielle planned it, if I could give her that much credit for thinking ahead.
Elsewhere, Britney advises JoJo to lay low and not say a word about the game until the eviction, and is especially worried by how friendly the *elles are with each other all of a sudden. Britney does a pretty hilarious impression of JoJo in the DR, nailing JoJo's dismissive attitude. After telling JoJo to shut up, which she knows damn well is not going to work, Britney feels the need to go to Mike to not only pitch the idea of keeping JoJo, but having the two of them join each other, with their teams in an alliance of five, if and when the coaches are brought into the game as players. At which point Mike will have been in an alliance with every other coach in the house. If and when it happens, which, don't hold your breath, Brit.
For the third episode in a row, we see Willie and Joe's "fight" that resulted in Willie's ejection. That signals a segue into Julie's viewscreen Chenterview with the houseguests, who have been waiting in the living room. Julie asks Joe what was going through his mind during the altercation. Joe says he was wanting to protect himself, but wanted to tell Willie, "IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE HEAT, STAY OUT OF THE KITCHEN." Like it's something incredibly witty, he says this. Julie then turns to Ian, and asks what he was thinking when he was trying to break it up. Ian admits that he was worried, but wanted to keep everyone safe. Julie moves on to Shane, and plays them all a clip of the PoV competition, which everyone laughs and claps at like it's the funniest thing they've ever seen. It's tragic how starved for entertainment these people are.
We're then reintroduced to Dr. Will Kirby, as though anybody watching this doesn't know damn well that he was on Big Brother 2 and Big Brother All-Stars, and now supposedly does laser tattoo removal while wearing a suit and tie. Will says that Mike's doing well for his first time in the house without him, but is worried about Mike's ego getting in his way. I feel the same way, except for the "worried" part. Will's convinced that the other coaches are going to get steamrolled if they don't step it up, and proceeds to run down his opinions of them. "If Kermit the Frog and Ryan Seacrest had a baby, the baby would be Dan," which would be funny if either comparison were valid or made any sense. Will does agree with me that Dan's choice of team members had less to do with strategy than "the gravitational force of boobies." Will blames Britney for Willie's tailspin and eviction, and says that although Janelle is a strong competitor, he doubts her grasp of strategy, and says she's in danger of becoming a three-time loser. Will predicts that Ian will win, because he has a lot in common with Mike, who he says is a 40-year-old Ian. Then there's some cheap editing to make it look like Will and Mike are on the phone together, in service of a cheap joke about Mike's Season 2 clothes.
Hard to believe, but Julie's about to conduct what I think is the first private Chenterview of the season with the outgoing HoH. Frank's up in the HoH room, wearing his homemade "Julie Chen is my Homegirl" t-shirt, which they banter about before Julie gets on to business, namely how close he and Mike have gotten. Okay, that's not actually business, and Frank's answer isn't actually interesting. Julie then asks Frank if he's really willing to work with Shane or just playing him, and Frank says it's a bit of both. The final question is about Frank's alliance with Janelle's players, which Frank says is for real for now. Well, that was boring.
1 2 3 4
Back to the living room, where JoJo gets to be the first to beg for votes. She says she thought she'd come in and play dirty, but that isn't who she is. Unfortunately she starts rambling from there, telling the houseguests she thinks they're making a mistake. Way to give it away there. Danielle stands up, nearly falls down again, and gives a cutesy, dull, totally nonthreatening speech. The voting begins, starting with Wil, who heads into the DR in his blazer and shorts and votes to evict "little miss hypocrite, JoJo." Joe stumbles over sadly evicting "JoJo Dancer," and Ashley votes the same way, complete with the sadness. We go to break with the votes at 3-0, which is not terribly suspenseful. Even if I cared about either of them.
When we come back, it's Shane's turn to vote, and he votes to boot Danielle. So that showmance is over. But Ian votes to evict JoJo, which means that so is her game. Jenn gets to cast her completely unnecessary vote to evict JoJo. Coming back to the living room, Julie gives the usual pre-eviction speech, adding that if Danielle is evicted (which we already know she isn't), Dan has to bail out of there too. But then Julie breaks the news that it was a 5-1 vote evicting JoJo. She looks mildly surprised, and gets up for her goodbye hugs. "Make big moves," she advises them all on her way out the door.
Out in the studio, Julie asks JoJo what she whispered to Shane, the last person she hugged on the way out the door. Unfortunately, he just said he loves her, and she said to stay strong and she believes in him. Right now I believe he'll be sitting where JoJo is a week or two hence, but I've been wrong before. Julie asks why JoJo believes she deserves to be in the house more than Danielle does. JoJo says she did well in competitions (all two of them, if memory serves), and explains her loyalty to Willie as a mistake that she admitted to everyone in the house and hopes to learn from. Julie then asks what JoJo thinks of Britney as a coach, her expression all but inviting JoJo to say something catty. JoJo, however, doesn't rise to the bait, saying she'll be rooting for the underdog. Now on to the farewell messages. "Maybe the house could only handle one New Yorker," Jenn says. Shane creepily talks about their flirting, Danielle lies that she's sorry, and Britney says JoJo's loud, in-your-face attitude hurt her in the game. JoJo says she's gotta be her, and shows off her "Love me or hate me" t-shirt. Looks like the house decided.
1 2 3 4
It's twelve minutes before the hour on Thursday, so it's time for the HoH competition. The backyard is decorated like a winter wonderland, an illusion somewhat spoiled by the lack of shivering by the houseguests in their summer clothes, with a fake hockey rink set up in the middle. It's pretty simple: each player takes a turn hitting a ball with a hockey stick, trying to get it into one of a row of numbered slots on the far end of the rink.
There's been a random draw, so Ashley's going first, which makes sense because she's the most random person in the house. She swats clumsily at the ball and knocks it into the 4 slot, putting her in what I'm sure will be a short-lived lead. Joe takes his time setting up a left-handed shot, prompting Julie to tell him, "we don't have all day," and still scores only a three. It's Jenn's turn, and she doesn't score anything but one of the longest audio blackouts I've seen on this show. Ian's up , and he scores a nine, stealing the lead from Ashley. Wil scores a 2, but Shane makes a bank shot and gets a whopping 20, the highest score on the board. Danielle's up last, and since she only gets a 12, Shane's the new HoH. And he needed it, too, after that vote. Hugs all around, some realer than others.
Back in the studio, Julie tells us that America's Vote is coming up, in which we'll get to decide whether the coaches get put into the game or not. I'm pretty sure that's already been decided, actually.
After the last break, Julie conducts the group Chenterview via viewscreen with the houseguests back in the living room. Shane says it's a great feeling to have pulled off some big moves. Julie asks Britney how she feels about having her one remaining player in power, and Britney's over the moon about it. Because it worked out so well for her last time.
Finally, Julie explains America's Vote, in which viewers get to decide whether the coaches get to compete for the half-million. Text one if yea, text no if nay. I'm sure I know how the vote will come out, but I'm curious to see how and when an unexpected result will be overridden by the producers. If, that is, they bother to simply not stuff the ballots.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
1 2 3 4