Welcome back to Big Brother, where the impossible becomes the inevitable. Namely, we're flashing back to Thursday night, when America voted Brendon a chance to get back in the house, because America hates me. Diary Room cuts of Rachel talking about how perfect this is, and Kalia talking about how it's her worst nightmare. As I pointed out last week, this could have been a battle between Brendon and Rachel instead of Brendon and Lawon, and Kalia says they could have gotten rid of at least one of them. Daniele is also worried: "Worst-case scenario: Jeff, Jordan, Brendon. Rachel, together...again." Of course, the only reason this was necessary was because they needed to make up for the week of "action" that Evel Dick's early departure created. As always, Evel Dick ruins everything.
So then Brendon won the massacre against Lawon (which means that the four people who are now permanently evicted from the house are the four Regulators, which makes them the worst alliance in history) and got back into the house because God also hates me. Obviously Rachel's joy is almost as loud and obnoxious as her misery, and Kalia's feeling remorseful about getting rid of Lawon. Not to mention pretty stupid. And Jordan's happy because "I don't have to babysit Rachel any more!" Daniele's obviously unhappy about all her efforts from this past week going for naught. Inside the house, Brendon's photo on the memory wall goes back to color while Lawon's goes to black and white, which, as far as superpowers go, is pretty lame. Jeff's pretty happy about his reconstituted alliance's chances for winning HoH . Then everyone but Kalia, Porsche, and Daniele goes into the purple room to have a little celebration. Yes, even Adam, even though no one invited him.
As for Kalia, Daniele, and Porsche, they gather in the bedroom to share regrets and recriminations. Like me, Kalia also wonders why Brendon of all people was voted in, and DRs emotionally about everything she did being for nothing. Well, welcome to Big Brother, where "Expect the unexpected" means "Fuck you, sucker."
Jordan hands Rachel off to Brendon with great ceremony so they can have some "alone" time in the purple room. After about ten seconds of kissing, Rachel tattles on her enemy houseguests to Brendon, who is getting all indignant on her behalf, looking like he's about to go out there and crack some skulls. She also notifies him of Shelly's "secret" deal with Jeff and Jordan, which Rachel knows about because Shelly was whispering about it to Jordan while she thought Rachel was asleep. About time Shelly's big mouth got herself in trouble instead of someone else.
Adam is talking to Shelly about being in a final-five alliance with her, Jeff, Jordan, and Rachel, which, who talks final five when there are still nine people left in the house? He thinks "we" have to win HoH, as though there's any "we" that includes Adam anywhere in the universe. "They made bad game decisions," he says of Kalia and Daniele. Okay, I can't argue with that.
Kalia and Daniele talk about how vital it is that they -- or, more accurately Daniele, since Kalia's out of the running as outgoing HoH -- has to win HoH or she's going home. Can't argue with that either.
Finally, it's time for the HoH competition. In the backyard are giant maps of each of the remaining houseguests' home states, to large collections of individual items. They get ten minutes to look at everything before the game starts, and even these people can figure out that this is going to be a counting challenge. Everyone save outgoing HoH Kalia (who will be hosting) gets positioned into their game show cubicles, amid lots of cuts of them all talking in the DR about why they need to win this week. I wish more people would go into the DR and say, "HoH? What's that?"
The first question is the number of beaded necklaces are hanging from the tree to the Louisiana sign. My guess is...a lot. But Daniele guesses 1,234, Jeff 498, Brendon 454, Adam 350, Rachel 1,500, Porsche 480, Shelly 500, and Jordan 825. The correct answer is 673, so Rachel's guess of 1,500 knocks her out first, although even in her allegedly humble DR about it she says she usually does better at these. I'm just glad there's no "without going over" bullshit that this show always does just because it's on the same network as The Price is Right.
In the second round, they have to guess the total number of pepperonis on a couple of barn door-sized pizzas. Brendon guesses 927, Jeff 959, Shelly 1,100, Daniele 800, Adam 539, and Porsche 850, and Jordan 1,450. Since the right answer is 761, Jordan's out. Daniele's not even bothering to hide her wide grin. Round 3 requires them to guess the number of olives in a giant martini glass, in honor of Porsche's homes state of Florida, not that she gets the connection at all. She would rather have a large number of alligators, and I could actually get behind that. Set a few dozen loose in the yard and see how quickly these people stop talking about deals and buses. Anyway. Adam guesses 953, Porsche 1,100, Daniele 341 (which seems way low to me), Shelly 692, Brendon 319, and Jeff 1,172. And since it's 1,358, Brendon's out, by undercutting Daniele's guess by a dozen. This is going great for her and Kalia. For the round, they have to guess the number of playing cards on a table. "What losers we are," Jordan correctly DRs. "Jeff, you have to do this." Daniele guesses 400, Shelly 364, Jeff 523, Porsche 390, and Adam 395. The correct number is 369, so there goes Jeff, in a shut-out for the veterans' alliance. Now they're reliant on those newbies who are loyal to them...at the moment.
For the round, they're guessing the number of baseballs in two giant baseball gloves. Adam guesses 188, Porsche 160, Shelly 120, and Daniele 216. Shelley's the farthest from the correct answer of 242, so she's done, just because she counted the number of balls right, but miscounted the number of ball gloves. Which, again, was two. So now it's down to Adam, Porsche, and Daniele, and the veterans are noticing Adam's existence for the first time ever.
Coming back from the ads, Adam DRs that he's feeling the pressure to save his alliance of six, as though his ranking in that alliance isn't seventh. They have to count the number of rivets on a slowly revolving airplane propeller. Daniele guesses 131, Porsche 170, and Adam 111. The right number is 224, so that's it for Adam and his five "allies." "Have fun on the sidelines," Daniele DRs. Why should he start now? Now it's just Daniele and Porsche, the worst-case scenario for the veterans. They have to guess the number of gold coins in an open chest. Porsche's guess is 1,200, and Daniele's is 1,351. Since the correct number is 2,832, so that's a new HoH for Daniele. Kalia happily hands over the HoH key.
Back in the house, Brendon, Rachel, and Jordan head right to the Have-Not room. "Well, it was cool being in the house for a week," Brendon says, and sadly DRs that they lost a 6-2 matchup. Looks good on him. After Jordan leaves them in the HN room, Rachel assures Brendon that Daniele and Kalia made a deal with her this week, so they should be okay this week, too. I do not follow that logic at all.
Daniele, Kalia, and Porsche quietly celebrate their win in a bedroom until Rachel wanders in, putting a damper on everything. They act all fake-friendly until Rachel leaves the room, having accomplished her goal of making everyone uncomfortable. Later, Daniele and Kalia are talking about how they can do this. They're also confident they have Porsche on their side, for all the good she'll do them, and agree that they need to write off Shelly. Daniele vows to make everyone "shit their pants." Godspeed, Morticia.
Even with Brendon's return and the HoH competition, we still have some time for some Sunday-night filler, in the form of Shelly giving Jordan a practice job interview so Jordan can stop being a receptionist someday. Let's just say that it's a good thing Jordan won half a million bucks in BB11. Jeff DRs that he'd hire Jordan because she's cute. I suspect he wouldn't be the first.
Adam decides he needs to do some "damage control" with Daniele, like anyone gives a tenth of a shit about him at this point. He lamely offers not to put Daniele up if he wins HoH week, which is like his promising to do his very best to catch a meteor if it's about to hit her. Daniele is duly unimpressed.
Her visitor is Shelly, who walks right in on Kalia and Daniele like they're all still best buds. Daniele claims not to know what she's going to do and Shelly senses that she's in trouble. Daniele calls Shelly out on being happy when Brendon came back. Shelly makes lame excuses, and flails about how she feels uncool in comparison with Daniele and Kalia, and then makes it worse by asking Kalia to leave so she can talk to Daniele in private. She says she wants to be on Daniele's side. "I'm not buying any of this," Daniele DRs. But it's such a bargain!
Kalia tells Porsche about the scene upstairs, which quickly devolves into whispering about what a liar Shelly is. Which Shelly, who is back downstairs in the room, can hear through the wall. Later, in the kitchen, she confronts Porsche in front of everyone else. "The moral high road is impossible in this game," Shelly DRs. No matter how hard she tries. Outside, she martyrs to Porsche and Kalia about how all she's done is look out for them, because all Shelly has ever done is look out for the person she's talking to at this moment. Porsche's not taking it, bringing up Shelly's multiple deals with multiple people, particularly Brendon and Rachel, which even the editors bust Shelly on, showing a clip from eleven days ago of Shelly proposing a deal with Brendon and Rachel in the backyard. But Shelly has forgotten all about that deal, probably because she has so many to keep track of, and storms off, pissed at Rachel now for telling lies about her. "I don't understand what just happened," Porsche says to Kalia, which is so not news it's practically a macro, but Kalia looks confused as well.
Rachel and Brendon ask Daniele for a private convo in the HoH room, and she basically dares them to convince her to keep them. Brendon claims that Daniele is the biggest target, which Daniele disagrees with (she's looking at them), and Rachel proposes a secret truce. Daniele's not convinced, and Brendon makes the mistake of asking if Daniele can trust them. Which, derr. Dumb-ass question. Brendon claims he's playing this game with "pure logic" (which explains why he sacrificed himself to give a few extra weeks to his fiancée whom everyone hates), saying the others will watch them take each other out, and it'll be Jordan vs. a floater for the final two. Rachel suggests nominating Shelly, due to all her final three deals, with Adam as a pawn. As much as I want to see Daniele take a second run at Brenchel, there's some entertainment potential in another week of Adam's delusions of existence. As for Daniele, she's torn. "This could be a huge game move, but it could also be the stupidest game move." They leave it as a truce for now.
It's nomination day. Shelly is pissed off, hoping that Daniele will get rid of the "snakes" Brendon and Rachel, who Shelly was totally allied with until ten minutes ago. Adam admits that his gameplay has been bad "this season," as though the superfan's ever going to get another shot at this. I'm sure he plays much better at home, though, like we all do. Rachel doesn't know if Daniele is going to "stick to the deal" that Daniele didn't actually agree to. Daniele herself is looking really stressed out, looking at the memory wall and wondering if she should make a deal with Brendon and Rachel or go after them again. Even in front of the key box she seems riddled with indecision. Finally she says that if she keeps Brendon and Rachel and leaves week, it'll be her own fault. Okay, then, so we're in agreement?
Daniele calls the nomination meeting. Shelly and Jordan are the first ones at the table, and Shelly is quietly bitching to Jordan about how much she hates Rachel and hopes she's up. "I'm sure she will be," Jordan says noncommittally, like, "Don't hurt me, crazy lady." Shelly makes similar comments to Jeff when he arrives at the table, but shuts up when everyone else shows up. Daniele arrives with the key box, and pulls the first key: Kalia, obviously. Also safe are Porsche, Jordan, Jeff...and finally, Rachel and Brendon. Because sparing Rachel worked out so well last week. So that leaves Shelly and Adam on the block. Daniele admits that everyone must be wondering what's up. Daniele reminds them that she tried to get Brendon out two weeks ago, and here he is anyway, so this time she needs to make sure what she wants to happen happens. In other words, "I suck at hard things, so I'm going to do something easy instead." Inspiring. Brendon whines in the DR that he's pretty sure he'll be a replacement nominee if the Veto gets used. Never happy, that dude. Shelly is angry about Rachel's lies about her (which in this case aren't actually lies, and fuck you, Shelly, for making me defend Rachel), and Adam says this is his third week out of six that he's been nominated. "I need to win this veto so bad," Adam says, because he remains convinced that anything other than a convenient go-to placeholder. Daniele figures she can either keep her deal with Brendon and Rachel or backdoor him, depending on how the Veto competition goes. So, you know, she's done all she can for now. And as we see Shelly and Daniele heading up to the HoH for what I'm sure will be a very tense conversation, I'm sure we're all looking forward to zzzzz.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.