The show now begins (after way too many unnecessary previouslies) with the same old porny theme music, but now with a red background and the cast shown on the screen in their pairs. We get to see a replay of Julie explaining the Golden Key not once, but twice, to the houseguests. I'm only going to explain it once: Of the duo who will be are nominated by Head of Household Rachel this week, one will be evicted and the other will get a Golden Key, which is a free pass to the top ten. Everyone acts like that's a big deal, and Rachel explains it to us once again in the Diary Room, not missing another chance to misuse the term "float." Adam is determined to get the Golden Key, apparently forgetting that he'll have to get nominated to earn it. Lawon makes a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory reference in the DR, and everyone sits in the living room looking serious. Brendon also DRs about hating floaters, because he and Rachel agree on that. And also on not knowing what they are.
Dick whispers to Jeff and Jordan about getting rid of the strong and keeping the weak, and then wiping them out when they switch to individuals, as Dick knows they will. "We're gonna lose one along the way at least," he warns Jeff and Jordan. Or maybe just Jordan.
Then he goes and whispers to Danielle as well. Danielle DRs that she's playing the game and has no choice but to work with her dad. Because just walking out isn't an option. Dick DRs that this is like a replay of BB8, complete with him and Danielle allegedly not talking to each other outside the house, but they're up for it. He adds that they'd have a fine relationship of they could play Big Brother all the time. Which is like an oxymoron on steroids.
Porsche has a conference with Keith, warning him about Rachel and Brendon: she won lots of HoHs, and when she couldn't compete in them, Brendon won the Power of Veto. So her plan is to ally with the veterans, since she doesn't think they can beat them. Well, not with that attitude. Keith pretends to agree, but in the DR he thinks it's way too early to be flipping on the original eight.
In the storage room, Rachel confirms with Jeff that they're on the same side. "This makes so much sense," she bellows to the DR camera. Jeff goes along, but in the DR he talks about how weird it is to be back on BB in the first place, let alone in alliance with Brendon, Rachel, Dick, and Danielle. Jeff goes back to report to Jordan, and her main contribution to the discussion is a loud fart. The winner of BB11, everyone.
Dominic, Keith, and Lawon form a "library room" alliance early on, and Dominic proposes bringing Cassi in as well. Which will make more sense later. I know, I can't believe it either.
"WHO WANTS TO SEE MY HOH ROOOOOOM!!" Rachel screams as loud as ever. Everyone pretends to care as they follow her up the stairs, but they dig the new round bed, fish tank, and HoH bathrobe. Shelly and the other newbies suck up, which Rachel notices, but still DRs that they're going home. And it'll only take two months.
Dick, Danielle, Brendon, and Rachel talk about how they'll take over the house despite being outnumbered by the virgins, and realize they'll probably be able to pit partners against each other when they start getting on each other's nerves. Dick DRs the surprisingly astute observation that Brendon and Rachel alienated everyone in the house during their season. You know, unlike Dick in his. They also agree that nobody rides for free; if anyone stays, it's because they made a deal. Which is big talk considering that people will only be leaving one at a time, once a week. Mostly. If they want to leave faster that's fine with me.
Brendon wants a massage from Rachel, and is frustrated that Rachel's beauty regimen is cutting into that time. Rachel speculates on whether Cassi has had Botox or a nose job. Brendon figures out what this is really about, and doesn't want Rachel to get any of that stuff done. But he also says he doesn't want to fight her about it, and then proceeds to fight her about it. Rachel DRs that "he never complains about these", while subtly pointing to her boobs. Rachel argues to Brendon that she likes "the look of Botox." Of course she does.
Down in the kitchen, Dominic and Cassi agree that the newbies will be big targets, so he proposes to her a sub-alliance made of half of each of the newbie couples: himself, Keith, Lawon, and Cassi. But obviously they can't tell their partners. Makes sense, until Dominic says that nobody would know. We'll see about that.
So in the library room, Dominic, Keith, Lawon, and Cassi agree to get together and vote to get rid of whichever of their respective partners will be going up this week. And an alliance is born: The Regulators. I hate these dorky alliance names these people come up with, but I admit it makes for easier weecapping.
Dick decides to approach Porsche to bring her on board the veteran alliance. Porsche assumes Dick is bringing her in because she's awesome, and she's only too happy to sign on with his Faustian bargain. Then she goes back to Keith to say she's been invited aboard. Keith lets her think that he's also on board with the plan to stick with the veterans, then goes right to his fellow Regulators Dominic and Cassi to tattle on Porsche. They agree that she's gone, but that she can't know yet. Whatever, it's still early and a lot can change. Like a lot.
"Holy Cow!" Rachel bellows as she leaps out of the DR exit in a milkman's cap and some kind of multicolored cow outfit. Apparently it's time for the first Have/Have Not competition. HoH Rachel and her partner Brendon are automatically Haves, but everyone else has to team up in groups of four: Keith, Porsche, Adam (who worries about losing his bacon) and Dominic on the green team; Kalia, Lawon, Shelly, and Cassi on the orange team ("basically I'm on a team full of girls," Kalia zings), and the blue team of Dick, Danielle, Jeff and Jordan. They're doing a great job of keeping the veteran alliance secret, aren't they?
The backyard is some kind of moonscape with colored ramps and a big milk fountain. Rachel explains the game: essentially, they'll have to soak up milk in their spongy cow costumes, then run over and squeeze it out into half a dozen large jugs. The last team to finish will be the Have-Nots for the week. That's pretty much it, only the explanation that Rachel has to read contains a lot more bad cow and space puns. Jordan is not entirely on board with this: "If I was a cow, I would definitely not want to be on the moon. That would be weird. I would rather be on a farm with all the other cows." Can't get anything past her.
The milk-jumping begins. Three members of each team run to the fountain, then run to the ramp and lie down while the designated "milkman" on each team bounces on top of them to squeeze the milk into a grate, through a hose, and into the jugs. Green takes an early lead, with Blue close behind and Orange last. Lawon tries to get more milk out of Kalia by twisting her head. Milkman Jeff describes the noises from Dick as "a shot bear in the woods." Keith seems to enjoy bouncing up and down on his teammates, regardless of gender. "Keith, I love you like a friend," Adam DRs. Since there's really no strategy involved in this, the rankings hold up throughout the competition, and the Blue team of veterans wins, taking a celebratory dip in the milk fountain. It's down to Green and Orange, with the latter down by an entire jug. So Green gets second, meaning that the Orange team of Lawon, Kalia, Shelly, and Cassi are the have-nots for the week. Lawon takes it well, but Dick says it's all part of his strategy to demoralize the newbies. Which I'm sure is the only reason he wanted to be a Have this week.
On to the Have-Not room, which looks like an improvement over the one; instead of a bug-filled shithole, this time it's a padded cell, with four thin pads pressed together to sleep on. The worst thing about it is the bright lights shining down on the sleeping pads, which apparently can never be turned off. Okay, that would suck. But maybe they can fashion sleep masks out of the slop they'll be easting this week.
Up in the HoH room, Rachel, Dick, and Jeff talk about how the newbies still don't know the game, but agree that they need to keep winning HoHs just in case. Dick's move is to approach Adam with the same offer he made Porsche. Jeff and Rachel are cool with that.
In the backyard, while most people are idly sunning themselves, Dick makes his move to a skeptical Adam. He gets to join Dick, Rachel, and Brendon in the HoH room, and Dick says they'll give him the Golden Key in exchange for his vote -- and also in exchange for his protecting them if he wins a future HoH, and throwing future PoVs. Adam pretends to be appreciative of this generous offer, but in the DR he says he's coming after Dick. What, in a guitar battle?
Shelly talks to Jeff and Jordan about her family and her husband, who sounds cool. In the DR, she compares Jeff and Jordan to her marriage. Which she means as a compliment to both of them, I feel I should clarify.
Rachel invites Jordan into the HoH room to pick her brain, but obviously there isn't much to pick. Rachel says that Adam's a good potential ally, being a fan of theirs and all. Rachel also feels like Keith is dangerous, but has doubts about giving Porsche the Golden Key. Jordan's a good person to bounce ideas off of, because they come back to you unsullied by any thought at all. Right then is when Dick comes in, promising and guaranteeing that Porsche's totally on board for whatever they want. How anyone can still hear the words "promise" and "guarantee" on this show and not immediately run for the exit is something I will never understand. Rachel's still torn. I don't know why she doesn't go to her standard strategy of asking Brendon for advice and then ignoring it.
Nomination day. As Rachel contemplates the memory wall, Porsche DRs that she feels safe, with the veterans on her side. Keith feels the same way, but about the Regulators, because their three votes will outweigh the veterans' six? I don't know. Adam's not believing anything he's been told, which makes him the best newbie player thus far. "He's Evel Dick for a reason," Adam DRs. "He's not Nice Dick." Dominic is also worried, but says it'll be "game on" if he's nominated. Rachel VOs that these nominations will set the tone. "I cannot make the same mistakes I made last year and be an emotional nominator. This year it has to be gameplay." That would be interesting to see. Will her new catchphrase be "nobody gets between me and my long-term strategy!"
Rachel calls the nomination ceremony. Everyone sits around the table to their partner. Brendon, automatically safe as the HoH's partner, gets his key first. Rachel pulls the first duo's keys in unison: Danielle and Dick. They pull Jordan and Jeff's. Not even trying to keep the veteran alliance quiet, I see. I suppose that would be a waste of energy, anyway. Lawon and Kalia are also safe, as are Shelly and Cassi. That leaves Adam/Dominic and Keith/Porsche, and the nominated duo is... Keith and Porsche. Rachel tells them it's purely strategic. "Welcome to Big Brother, guys." Good on her for getting through her first nomination ceremony without making half a dozen mortal enemies.
Porsche says she's "shocked," thinking that the "All-Stars" (kind of a strong word there, sweetie) would vote with her. "Maybe I'm the target, you never know." I think she may have forgotten that there's a Golden Key in it for her if this goes her way. Keith DRs that he's not giving up, does a shout-out to the Regulators, and mimes brushing Porsche from his shoulder. Hey, you picked her, dude. Rachel explains that she wants Keith out and Porsche on their side with the Golden Key, while Dominic feels good about this and what it means for the Regulators.
But there's still the PoV to be played on Wednesday, which may allow one player to take the nominated duo off the block. So I guess Rachel would have to replace them with another duo then? But perhaps I'm speaking too soon, because the announcer says one player will unexpectedly leave, which "threatens to change everything." Is "threatens" the right word? Because that makes it sound like a bad thing.
And yes, I already know who it is, and chances are you do too, but let's pretend, shall we?
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.